I think my boyfriend has insecurities. How can I help him?

[tygerwolf]

Hey everyone! I think I may need some advice here....

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend. We have been dating for about 3 months now. The relationships been wonderful so far. We see each other every single day despite our busy schedules. We make time for each other! The longer im with him though, the more I feel like he has some insecurities. He often hints or asks me if im getting tired or bored with him yet. And of course I respond every time with a resounding NO! I make time to see him and enjoy every second. I make time in my busy schedule to see him as much as possible. He has also expressed and "hinted" at a fear that im going to leave him for a "cool" guy. Now, im not sure what this means, but I want to be with him! Not anyone else! And I have told him this! My actions match my words! When we are out and about, im not looking at other guys nor do I hang out with any others. In fact, ive only dated 3 guys my entire life! All of them serious. What im saying is, I haven't given him any reason to doubt me! Thats why it disturbs me when he says those sort of things. He even recently told me, when I was staying the night at his place, he had a dream that night that I broke up with him. He then asked me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy was I with his and my relationship? I said a 10. I wouldn't change anything. And I meant it. If anything though, I wish he wouldn't ponder these things! But im not sure how to bring it up! Even after sex, he often asks me if I "cummed". I almost always do. He is fantastic! But the few times I haven't, he beats himself up about it. I cant tell you how many times i've told him that I enjoy sex with him regardless. I dont have to orgasm every single time to enjoy it! Sex with him is the best sex i've ever had!

 

So anyways, my theory is that his insecurities are present because of his past relationships. Mainly his divorce 8 years ago. To make a long story short, they were together for 5 years. Married for a month or so. When he was off on military duty, she cheated on him, refused to see him and took all of his savings (thousands of dollars!) He was hurt badly. And when he describes other past relationships, it sounds like hes been walked on a lot.

 

I want him to realize that im not that girl. I was single for 4 1/2 years before we started dating. I feel like I was waiting for him! If it helps, I am 21 and he is 28, so hes a good bit older than me. His age doesn't matter to me. But I feel like hes just waiting for me to leave him for some young guy or something. How do I prove that im not going to hurt him? I follow my words with actions. I give him no reason to doubt. So how do I help my boyfriend when his insecurities are not about me? I want him to feel confident in our relationship.

 

Any and all help and advice is appreciated!

[DN]

How often do you give him unsolicited compliments and affirmations that you love him and like being with him?

[DylanNotorious]

Yeah I dunno about him. 3 months in, and he's asking you all this stuff. Your probably going to get sick of it after awhile and start looking at him like he's pathetic if he dosnt stop. He does have issues. And just be careful that it's not a slippery slope to him starting to act all controlling and jealous in the future. I think you'll hang in there but only for awhile, if he does not change.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it may be worth having a conversation with him. Let him know that you get the feeling sometimes that he feels a little unsure of your feelings and tell him the positive things you feel. Ask him why he might feel that way and promote dialogue.

 

You can gently ask him to trust you without seeking constant reassurance.

[tygerwolf]

I often randomly compliment the way he looks. Or say things like. "I love your laugh or smile." After sex, "That was amazing." And tell him what he did that made it amazing, ect. I play with his hair and tickle his back a lot without being asked. I hold his hand or put my head against his or stroke his arms or face... I initiate sex...

 

Whatever comes naturally at any given time. We haven't said "I love you yet though." Should I compliment or give affirmations more often than usual?

[holdonnow]

It's a very unattractive trait, to have a tendency to tear oneself down. Be blunt about that. It's not cute. Tell him you don't appreciate him knocking your taste in men.

[DN]

Whatever comes naturally at any given time. We haven't said "I love you yet though." Should I compliment or give affirmations more often than usual?

I would not advise that if you think it is already enough as it will seem unnatural. But at some point the 'I love you' issue will have to be faced. Do you love him or is it too soon to say?

[tygerwolf]

My heart says yes. In fact ive almost let it slip a few times. We've discussed what we think it means to "love" someone. He and I both don't take the term lightly. I don't want to say it on a whim and at the wrong time. Or do it because I feel like I have to. I guess im waiting for the time to say it naturally. What do you think?

[DN]

I think you should say it when you are ready and not before but I think you saying it, especially you saying it first, will be of great help.

[Jake]

My heart says yes. In fact ive almost let it slip a few times.

 

You're pretty close to being in love with him if it's almost slipped out. Wait a little longer and saying it will come naturally. My overall opinion rests bellow on the matter:

 

We've discussed what we think it means to "love" someone. He and I both don't take the term lightly. I don't want to say it on a whim and at the wrong time. Or do it because I feel like I have to. I guess im waiting for the time to say it naturally. What do you think?

 

It's good you've both discussed it and that you both take it seriously. I also strongly consider it wise that you're waiting for him to say it first. The reason I say this is because his past is making him very insecure in being able to trust you. If he says it first then that means he is healthy, willing to open up in trusting you and is moving forward.

 

I know that it may seem manipulative in testing him but realize this; if you say it first it will be easy for him to then say it because he has your security in knowing you love him. I warn you that you've already dated for 6 months so if he doesn't slip that word out in the next 4 months then he's still dealing with damage of his past and is not fit for a relationship.

 

Edit: I am saying all this because love is a commitment (not a feeling) and right now you don't know if he is truly emotionally committed to you with his constant need of assurance. You've stepped up to the plate and proven yourself. The question is, can he?

[tygerwolf]

We've been dating for just 3 months now.

 

But before the "I love you's", how can I help him feel secure in our relationship?

 

Btw, wonderful advice everyone! Thank you so very much!

[arrakis77]

But before the "I love you's", how can I help him feel secure in our relationship?

 

Tell him how much you enjoy spending time together. What specifically you like about him and how happy you are in general. We all have some insecurities and need different levels of reassurance. If you do this semi-regularly (but not excessively), his tune should change from asking if you're happy to giving you assurances in return.

[Jake]

We've been dating for just 3 months now.

 

Oops, sorry! I must have rounded up in my head.

 

 

But before the "I love you's", how can I help him feel secure in our relationship?

 

You're still not really getting it. You're pretty much doing everything tygerwolf. What I'm trying to warn about is that your boyfriend may be emotionally unavailable to give you the commitment and love that you want. I can't say that with certainty because I don't know him like you do but be warned if he is still broken over his past? You'll be the one hurting in the end because no amount of reassurance will calm him if he isn't ready for this.

 

Overall, what you've been doing is perfectly fine (compliments, reassurance, ect.). Really your actions should be speaking volume to him about how you feel for him. The real issue here is if he can let go of the past and realize that you're different. It really all comes down to him. You can only help him so much.

[hawks0523]

I can tell you this. I'm on the opposite end of your spectrum right now. My girlfriend dumped me about a year ago, but we are back together and I'm having a very tough time being secure and not needing assurance. I know that it is extremely difficult and is wearing on her because she is in the exact same position as you are. While we understand (I do anyways) that we shouldn't need the reassurance that fear of being left is so great that we cannot be rational. We are also in the same phase of letting down that guard and exposing our fears and feelings, but that fear of vulnerability that once was easy is now so difficult since we have experienced such pain. All I can say is that you are on the right track in providing that he is working on himself. I'm personally seeing a therapist regarding this. My fear is so strong that I almost sabotage things and put things in my head that will make it less painful if she does leave. I couldn't want anything more in life than to trust her and to be secure in my relationship and I'm sure he is the same way. All I can say is stay calm, have the patience of a saint and be there for him.

[ncoconut]

I think you are doing everything you can. I remember the first few months of my relationship sounding a little like this but after time and reinforcement, everything went away. As Hawks stated, patience is key! keep doing what you are doing and he should be fine!

 

If there is something else going on, like emotional damage people have brought up, you should see it come out in all of his relationships.