Nervous and afraid.

[princessinblue]

Im 18 and my boyfriends 20. We are both still pretty young, but I found out 2 days ago that I was pregnant. We told his sister and his parents the first day and my parents the second. I was so afraid to tarnish there opinions of me. I'm probably not going to come out of my room when they are home. I feel trapped and like Im afraid to breathe because I know there opinion of me is forever ruined (not his parents, but mine. His parents are extremely supportive). My mom was like "Its your body and your choice, but I would like to see you have a real start at life." My boyfriends helped out in an abortion clinic.He still gets flashbacks from holding the little pieces of aborted fetus' in his hands. I don't think I could have an abortion, but I'm so afraid of what my family will think of me and I love my boyfriend very much. He is the kindest man I have ever met and I know if I got an abortion I may risk ruining my relationship with him. Even though he said he would still love me no matter what I chose he was crying while he said it. There is thing in my stomach I already have to start looking out for, but I don't even know what I want. All I know at the end of the day is I want a life with my boyfriend. I want to marry him and have his children (eventually). Would it be right for me to give it away because it would be harder on myself? I think me and my boyfriend could honestly handle raising it with no sleep, working and still taking college courses. Honestly I am almost sure we could do it all. I realize it will probably be the most difficult thing I will ever have to do. Im still at a minimum wage job I'm basically no where with no room for advancement. My boyfriend is being promoted and most likely promoted again soon after this to manager and if he isn't his father just bought a house with extra rooms in a different state and there's a job at his uncles company waiting there for him if he wants it. Not to mention his sisters boyfriend walked out on her when they found out they were pregnant so my boyfriend spent a couple years helping his sister raise a child so he already knows exactly what its like, but I guess I really don't and I'm scared. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm afraid to ask. I would really like opinions on my situation.

[OptomisticGirl]

At 18 you have to do what's best for you. It sucks your parents' opinion of you has changed but it's not the end of the world. This is usually always the case - teenage girl gets pregnant, parents opinions of her change and then guess what? They realize that's not just a baby, that's their grandchild. And 9 times out of 10 by the time the baby is born, they can't remember why they tought so badly of you. I know I thought badly of my sister for a while who got pregnant at 18 but my nephew is now 16 months old - I wouldn't trade him for the world.

 

It's not going to be easy, at all but others have done it - even single moms have raised kids and went back to college. You just have to figure out what you and your boyfriend want.

[FathomFear]

I wouldn't be too concerned about their opinions being "lowered". I think your mother's comment is quite reasonable and to be expected. Most parents want to see their children have time in their late teens, early 20s to focus on their education and career before they jump into the world of having kids. Most people I know who became pregnant at that age are still living in the same town, never pursued higher education, etc. It really puts a halt to things for most people.

 

If you are not comfortable with an abortion but also aren't quite comfortable with the idea of having children now (which is the vibe I get from your post) you might want to look at other alternatives, such as putting the child up for adoption. There are many couples out there who would love to have a child but are unable to biologically.

 

In any case, you should probably speak with a professional about this and talk through your feelings. This unfortunately is not a unique situation. Unplanned pregnancy is a common issue, especially in young people, and there are people you can speak with who have lots of experience in handling it.

[Angel Irulan]

I'd say listen to your heart. This is the first adult decision you have to make with long term consequences for you and your child. Your mom wants you to have some space between being a child in her home and an adult in your own home with huge responsibilities. It's a growth thing, and I agree with her attitude. Could you have the child and put it up for adoption? That would be a kind thing to do if you can't work out a way to raise the child yourself. College is good, but you can delay it some until your child is in school.

 

I wish you well with this!

 

Angel

[Saffron_]

How far along in the pregnancy are you? If you have moral objections to abortion, that's one thing. But if you're thinking about your boyfriends experience of holding aborted foetus pieces in his hands, bear in mind that your baby isn't even a foetus until around 8 weeks. Until then it's an embryo and when an abortion is done early enough, it's not normally an operation you have. Normally you take 2 pills. Not that I'm recommending abortion because that's a personal decision but it's good to know your options. It's true that an abortion may ruin your relationship with him but equally a baby is just as likely to ruin your relationship.

 

"I think me and my boyfriend could honestly handle raising it with no sleep, working and still taking college courses. Honestly I am almost sure we could do it all. I realize it will probably be the most difficult thing I will ever have to do. Im still at a minimum wage job I'm basically no where with no room for advancement. Not to mention his sisters boyfriend walked out on her when they found out they were pregnant so my boyfriend spent a couple years helping his sister raise a child so he already knows exactly what its like, but I guess I really don't and I'm scared. "

 

I'm sure if you have this baby you'll love and adore it but nobody appreciates how hard it is until they've actually gone through it (I'm not a mother myself btw). Part of the reality apart from the sleepless night and dirty nappies is the opportunities you cut yourself off from by having a child so young. The inability to be selfish, the struggle for money, the relationship problems. Whatever decision you make will come with some sadness and some sense of loss.

 

If you decide to keep it, my advice would be to write up some kind of 'plan of action' sooner rather than later. You'll need to start thinking practically and that includes thinking about how much money you'll need each month, wether you need/can afford childcare, what your own separate plans/joint plans for the future are. And lastly (but most importantly), working out how you'll cope if your relationship breaks down and you find yourself a single parent. Communicating these things in advance is better than having them blow up in your face later. Good luck with your decision!