What do you think?

[Sweetjess1951]

So last night I had a HUGE fight with my boyfriend and was looking for advice. I'm to the point where I'm tired of the disrespect and the double standards and I feel that I deserve better.

 

Last night, I was working at the restaurant/night club I work at. My boyfriend was working during the day and had plans to get off and go out for some drinks with some friends of ours that were in town. He told me that they would come see me but every time he says that, there is ALWAYS an excuse as to why he can't come. Usually it is that his friends do not want to come to my work however, there have been NUMEROUS times I have gone to my boyfriend's work to get drinks and brought my friends with me. It was not their first choice of places to go to, but they came any ways because they knew I wanted to see him. I'm not sure if it is his friends that do not want to go or him, but it does bother me that I makes the constant effort to go to his work to see him but I never get the same in return.

 

Well 11:30 rolls around and I decided to ask my boss if I could go so that I could have some drinks with my boyfriend and our friends. By doing this, I was giving up any money I could be making (which is anywhere from $250-$500). I figured my boyfriend would appreciate that. Well....obviously I was wrong. When I showed up to the bar they were at, my boyfriend was already drunk from the 15 minutes he had been drinking. I knew he had to work early in the morning so I asked him how he was planning on getting back to work (if he was cabbing it the long ways home) and he looks at me and says "I feel like you came here to check up on me". No "thank you for coming", "I appreciate you getting out of work to spend time with me"....NOTHING. Immediately, I got upset. I looked at him and said "that was really rude and really hurt my feelings. I can't believe you just said that". His response was that it was stupid I was mad and that it was a "joke", but he really did feel like I came to check up on him. Again, no appreciation for the fact that I was there.

 

The group decided they were going to go to other bars so my boyfriend went inside to close his tab. The friends we were with made it seem like Weston was riding in the cab with them so I, still very much upset, walked back to my car. My boyfriend eventually called me and we started yelling at each other, me saying that I could not believe that he said what he did to me, that it really hurt my feelings and him telling me it was stupid I was upset, he did nothing wrong, where was I, I was supposed to be giving him a ride. So I went to pick him up and he got in the car and started yelling again (he tends to yell quite loud when he is drunk). I told him again it hurt my feelings that he said what he did and that I came out because they wouldn't come to my work to see me and he yells at me that it is not what I want, it is what his friends want and if they do not want to come to my work, he is not going to make him.

 

So as I proceed to drive us to the next bars my boyfriend says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU. YOU AREN'T COMING OUT. I'M GOING HOME. YOU ARE GOING HOME!!!" and gets out of my car in the middle of the road in downtown. I park the car and walk after him telling him to stop, etc.

 

Then, to sum up the rest of the story, he is in my face, yelling and screaming at me, pointing his fingers in my face, telling me how i'm manipulative, I'm ridiculous, I had no right to be upset by his comment, he was not going to apologize because there was no reason for me to be upset, no reason for what he said to have hurt my feelings. During this whole time we were walking further and further away from my car. He told me to get the "f" away, shut the "f" up, go home, etc. I said no, that I was trying to talk about the situation, but it was me talking and him yelling, screaming and cussing. I asked him if he did not care if I had to walk a long ways back in my car by myself with my purse (there are a lot of homeless people downtown) and he said no, he did not care at that moment. So I walked myself all the way back to my car with multiple homeless people trying to talk to me and ask me for money and not once did he call me or text me to make sure I was ok, or even in his drunken rage, offer to walk me back. The only contact I got from him was "I'm home. Good night. ttyl".

 

I was wondering what everyone else thought but first of all, my idea of a relationship is respecting the other person. If someone (mom, sister, grandparents, friends, boyfriends, etc) told me I said or did something to hurt their feelings, I do not question it. I tell them I am sorry for making them feel that way. My entire relationship with my boyfriend has consisted of him saying things to me that have hurt my feelings, me telling him that it did, and then him telling me it was stupid that I was upset and started an argument with me. I do not think that is fair and I do not think that is how a relationship works.

[sadchick83]

Truth serum. This guy has major issues. He sounds like he could have been coked out as well. Ask yourself Why you would want to date this guy?

[Sweetjess1951]

Truth serum. This guy has major issues. He sounds like he could have been coked out as well. Ask yourself Why you would want to date this guy?

 

I agree that he has major issues. I always feel like I would put the blame on myself like maybe he I'm making him act this way. But the fact that throughout our entire relationship nothing he ever did or said warranted sympathy from him really says a lot. No matter what he said that hurt my feelings, it was never ok for me to be upset.

 

I feel like any normal person would be upset and hurt if they took off work to see their SO and they told them they felt like they were checking up on them.

[lukeb]

He sounds like a jerk, why are you dating him exactly?

 

I do think though there are some things you need to reflect upon. Going out to see your bf with the idea you are giving up all this extra tip money is not the right frame of mind. If you didn't want to give up this tip money then just don't go. Let him have a good time and see him some other night. You went to see him with the idea that he is somehow indebted to you, so it didn't take much to get this fight started.

[Sweetjess1951]

He sounds like a jerk, why are you dating him exactly?

 

I do think though there are some things you need to reflect upon. Going out to see your bf with the idea you are giving up all this extra tip money is not the right frame of mind. If you didn't want to give up this tip money then just don't go. Let him have a good time and see him some other night. You went to see him with the idea that he is somehow indebted to you, so it didn't take much to get this fight started.

 

Honestly, I would have asked to leave work even if I was not going to see him. I did not expect him to kiss my feet and bow down to me with praise. A kiss would have been nice or an "I'm glad to see you". The only response was "I feel like you are checking up on me".

[toby17]

I'm limiting my comments to this one incident.

 

You had a lot of expectationsabout how you're bf should have behaved. These expectations are the main reason you're upset.

 

You say you left work to spend time with the mutual friends but in the end you seemed to be more interested in your bf and what he was and should not be doing.

 

I'm not sure I would have gone back for him. But i def wouldn't have gotten out of the car and followed him. First, why were you trying to have a sensible convo with someone drunk?

 

Secondly, stop worrying about whether he'll get home okay, wake up for work etc. You're not his mother and he won't thank you for it. When we stop people from Experiencing the consequences of their actions, we stop them from taking responsibility themselves.

 

If he's not nice to you, you need to think about why you're with him. And I agree that he's not blameless in this issue but I think you're inadvertently contributing to the issues.

[CookieMonster8]

I'm to the point where I'm tired of the disrespect and the double standards and I feel that I deserve better.

 

You already know you deserve better. I suggest you move on. Doesn't sound like this pattern has changed in your relationship and it doesn't sound like it will. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who talks to you like that. I wish you the best of luck with this situation but I think deep down you already know what to do.

[samantha20]

It sounds to me like he's paranoid because he has something to be paranoid about. Like he has something to hide so is paranoid you will 'check up on him' and find out. He doesn't sound like a nice guy. I always got treated exactly like that in all my past relationships and thought it was normal. Now I'm with someone who treats me like gold and apologises if they do the slightest thing to upset me, and it makes me think I can't believe I ever settled for any less from my exes. There is someone out there that would never treat you like that. People treat you how you let them. If you dumped his ass I bet he'd be crawling at your feet apologising and promising to treat you like gold from now on.