Second chances with someone just out of a relationship

[hp654321]

So I have had a crush on a friend of a friend since I met him about 2 years ago. When I met him he had just gotten into a relationship, and he ended up dating that girl for 2 years. This August she broke up with him. They then tried to reconcile, but after about a week they both decided the relationship was dead. A month after their breakup I went to a bar with a group of friends and he came along. He was very flirtatious and we danced the whole night and were holding hands by the time we left. He stayed at my place that night and we made out. I sort of expected in the morning he'd apologize for making a mistake and we'd pretend nothing happened, but instead he asked me out to dinner.

 

We hung out a bunch that next week, and then in the following two weeks there was still lots of texting, but I started to feel like he didn't want to see me in person. It was driving me crazy so I asked him. He said right now he didn't want to continue anything more than being friends. He was enjoying his newfound single-hood and not having to worry about anyone but himself. He also said when things happened between us he had genuinely wanted to see where things would go with us, and felt bad if I felt led on because he didn't mean to hurt me... he just didn't know what he wanted at the time. But if a few months later he wanted me back and I had moved on, it would be his fault.

 

Fast forward to now (about 2 months later)... I'm still crazy about him. The past month I've been working out with him and his friend 4 days a week. (We have both always been very into weight lifting), so we've been seeing more of eachother than ever. Half the reason I go is because I enjoy it, and half because I want to spend time with him. When we're at the gym, we're basically just talking about lifting, and when he texts me a few times a week, but it's always about lifting... I'm starting to feel like he wants to be my trainer, not my friend. Even worse is we've been at a couple parties together recently. I get so nervous around him now that I basically avoid him. Even though we have lots in common I get scared to talk to him, and when we're out and people are dancing I'm scared to dance near him as I'm afraid I will make him uncomfortable and upset with me. I hate this as I have no problem dancing with any of my other guy friends.

 

So I guess there are a lot of things that I'm wondering. How do I be myself around him again? I'm usually talkative and bubbly, but around him I feel shy and boring. And am I a fool for entertaining the idea that in a few months he may want to give things a shot with me again? I worry that maybe he only hooked up with me because I was convenient and he knew I had a crush on him rather than he because we actually liked me. However, he added in the part about if he decided he wanted me back down the road... would he have really said that if he didn't see it as a true possibility? I'm probably being foolish for still hoping he'll come around, but I can't get him out of my head.

[OrangeMoon]

I know its hard, but what would it help to not just be yourself? In the end you would want him to choose you, just the way you are..otherwise your setting yourself up for a life filled with fakeness and stress out of fear he might walk out on you.

 

You take how he is feeling way too much into consideration. What do you want or need? and are you getting it? No..you are not.

 

I wish i could tell you what to do, or what he would do. But the fact remains that he simply doesnt want to be with you. You could choose the friendzone, but that only works if you can be detached from him. You don't need to be around him for him not to forget you. He knows who you are and will and can get a hold of you if a day would come he would be interested in more.

 

I just have a feeling that right now you are figthing a losing battle. Guys can say so much crap..don't mind the words..mind the actions. Don't focus on that too much.. because if they are not backed up with some action that says ' i want to make sure you are mine'..move on..

 

My advice would be that you avoid him for awhile until your feelings settle to the friendzone and go date others to establish some indifference towards him. Maybe you can be friends. But the anxiety and longing for him has to go..

[dobbin]

He's fresh out of a relationship so I understand that he wants to take time off for himself before jumping into another one. In your case I just don't think he is that into you. If he was he would have made all the moves to make sure he doesn't lose you to any other guy. You are putting too much work into him while he is only lukewarm towards you. Guys like to do the chase and it doesn't seem he is doing the chase to get you. Stop making yourself too available to him. There are other guys you can flirt with in the meantime that might speed him up and put pressure on him to act, but only if he really wants to be with you. His line of 'some months down the road you guys might date'..that is just a nice way of brushing you off without hurting your feelings. If he wants you he will do what it takes to find and get you. Let him go.

[John3572]

You are fighting a losing battle. You have two issues going against you.

 

1. He's newly single. You were a rebound for him. That's it and that's all. He liked the attention you gave him and used it to his advantage for that moment.

2. He's already friended you in his mind. If he wanted to date you, he would have. When he had the chance he pushed you away.

[hp654321]

Not trying to say you guys are wrong or just try and make myself believe what I want to believe, but I feel like what you guys are saying doesn't quite make sense. Am I fighting a losing battle? There's a very good chance... I'm crazy over a guy who isn't interested right now. Yes, I know he didn't like me enough to be with me. But only one month out of a 2 year relationship, I don't think he could have liked ANYONE enough to want to be with them at the time. I know when I got out of a longterm relationship, I had no interest in being with anyone for awhile.

 

In your case I just don't think he is that into you. If he was he would have made all the moves to make sure he doesn't lose you to any other guy.

 

How could he possibly say to me, I'm not ready to jump into anything right now, but then try to ensure I wouldn't date anyone else? What else could he really chose to do other than for us to remain friends? It would not have been fair of him to say I should wait for him until he is ready to date again and he knows that.

 

Also, I don't see how I'm doing all this work, or at least how he would interpret it as that. He is the one who initiated contact after things ended. I go and work out with him and his friend because he invited me at first, and now it has just become routine. While I do enjoy seeing him, I also go because I enjoy working out and I'm making improvements. I don't flirt with him or make any type of moves on him, so for all he knows I'm totally over the whole ordeal. He is the one who texts me everyday to tell me what time to meet him. Perhaps I'm "friendzoning" myself by working out with him, but at the same time he told me one of the things he really liked about me was that I was interested in the same things as him, including lifting. Plus I think some of the best relationships blossom out of previous friendships, so why is it such an awful thing for us to remain friends?

 

Ideally, I'd like to meet someone else and move on because I don't want to wait around for someone who may or may not want to be with me down the road. However, it's not like I have 5 guys knocking on my door wanting to date me. I'm extremely busy with grad school and rarely have time to interact with people not in my program. I've had an online dating profile for over a year now and nothing has worked out. Online dating is so exhausting, and you never really know who these people are or what they really want. It was so nice with this guy to already know him for who he was, to share many mutual friends, and to know for a fact that he's a genuinely good guy.

[OrangeMoon]

A losing battle right now...

 

For now its going nowhere..it might evolve..it might not. He is leaving the options open. Are you going to wait for him? Can you..knowing it 'might' lead to nothing. If you are strong enough, have faith and can keep the faith..then do what your heart tells you to.

 

We cant see the future. Moving on is not a negative thing. You can still have positive desires, put them into the universe and then let them go. Because its not up to you nor us to decide if that man will love you.

 

I have seen many guys who met women shortly after a relationship, and even if their hearts werent totally ready yet..practically all struck up some bond with the woman if they felt she was too good to let go. They did it slow, but still she felt 'ok we are doing this'..no friendzone..but committed ..just taking a slower pace. they are all married now.

 

So not saying he is not into you..just have a feeling that he is not that into you NOW..

 

Might change..might not..

 

I guess its up to you to set a timeframe to hold out for him..and after that..let it go. Because you dont seem ready to let go yet... Do what is good for you..