Ashamed of being perceived as sexual - anyone else have this?

[erzerum7]

I don't know if this makes me crazy or what, but I am just so embarrassed/ashamed to be perceived as a sexually-orientated or sexually-desirable object by women. I find the thought of flirting, of being attractive, of being desired, unbearable. I've never flirted in my life, being chased by a girl makes me feel sick (I definitely would prefer to be the chaser), I was embarrassed when girls found out I liked them (usually because they would laugh and shun me), I wear frumpy clothes so I can look as much like an old man as possible, slouch intentionally for the same reason, etc. Until recently I preferred to be chubby and not work out so I could definitely not be physically attractive.

 

Background's not important, other than to say I grew up in a highly asexual environment. No friends. My parents were married but I never saw any affection (not even a kiss) between them, and I pretty much know they've had no relations since I was a little kid. Dating was forbidden during middle and high school. My sister was forbidden to wear makeup and both of us were dressed very, very conservatively.

 

Now I find myself having to suddenly become a sexual creature before the whole world. I desire a woman, but putting myself out there, making myself attractive to her, approaching her...I just don't know how, it feels wrong and I feel totally out of place, like a clown.

 

How do I deal with this? If anyone has experience, please advise.

[meoww]

I think I can help. I grew up in a very restrictive environment, my parents are definitely socially awkward and not at all sexual. When I was a baby, my parents would take turns dressing me up as a boy one day and a girl the next! So needless to say gender roles weren't really something I was very familiar with growing up. I was slightly tomboyish growing up but have finally graduated to full on girly girl lol.

 

You have to realize this has really screwed you up. It may take years to undo the damage they have done to be honest. Not to mention that you'll have to figure this all out on your own--I suggest you start finding some role models asap. At least in my experience it was that way. You know what you want, you just have to get out there and go for it. Fight through the feelings of shame and embarrassment. Don't be afraid to identify as man, you know. It's important to have characteristics of both genders but I really think first and foremost you need to find your identity as a male. I don't know how manly you are in other areas of your life--but I'd cultivate that. Get physical, work out, dress in masculine way, etc. It's much easier than it looks.

 

It sounds like you have some sexual issues as well, so I would deal with those too. Remember, it just has to become a habit. It takes time to develop the ability to be sexually expressive and uninhibited. I really can't stress enough how much you need to not fall into self criticism and doubt. Other people have had a bit of a head start on that since they were allowed to develop into adults while understanding what their own gender roles were--that's why they don't seem to have as much baggage. You'll get there.

 

Basically, what I did was learned by imitating others I saw around me--whether it was a woman on the subway or a friend I admired. I think this could work for you too--then you can figure out what your own approach is. Right now, you should really be experimenting/trying new things until you get to that point.

[erzerum7]

Thanks meoww, please check PM.

[Generation]

I wouldn't say I find it unbearable but it does mess with my rhythm sometimes, like now you know that person's looking at you in a certain way. Otherwise I'm fine with girls telling me I'm cute or hot, and I'll still take it as a compliment. I just find it hard when they actually hit on me. On the other hand, if they perceive me as a sexually-oriented, that's fine, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Anyhow, can't really give you any advice cause I can't really relate with you too much. I honestly don't think it had much to do with your upbringing because I had roughly the same. I don't even know how to say the word "love" in my native language, and I'm pretty fluent in it. Never been hugged by either parents, never seen either parents show any affection to each other, not even a hug. I don't think it conflicts with how I am now. I know it doesn't. I can be pretty affectionate towards someone.

[Capricorn3]

I wear frumpy clothes so I can look as much like an old man as possible, slouch intentionally for the same reason, etc. Until recently I preferred to be chubby and not work out so I could definitely not be physically attractive.

OP, in another thread you ask about what clothes women find attractive on a man. Now we read above that you intentionally wear frumpy clothes so as to NOT be attractive. Did you want to know what clothes women thought attractive on a man, so that you could do the opposite?? (Hope that made sense?). I'm just trying to understand the connection, as it seems you don't want to appear attractive to women, yet you were asking about what clothes women find attractive on a man, which would imply that you were looking to improve your clothes.

[Ariel85]

Your attitude is not unlike someone who has been sexually abused. Many will do all they can to make themselves as unattractive to the opposite sex in order to avoid any kind of sexual intimacy. Unless your parents beat into you that sex was dirty, ugly and shameful, I'd have to question where your beliefs come from, and why so strong. Have you explored this before? Many people grow up with strict and non-demonstrative parents, but don't have quite the level of shame and disgust you have about sex and intimacy.

 

I strongly suggest you seek the services of a trained therapist. This kind of issue is so deeply rooted, that it can't be solved by an internet forum post.

 

FWIW, the fact that you are aware of the problem is really the most important step in getting yourself straightened out.

[erzerum7]

OP, in another thread you ask about what clothes women find attractive on a man. Now we read above that you intentionally wear frumpy clothes so as to NOT be attractive. Did you want to know what clothes women thought attractive on a man, so that you could do the opposite?? (Hope that made sense?). I'm just trying to understand the connection, as it seems you don't want to appear attractive to women, yet you were asking about what clothes women find attractive on a man, which would imply that you were looking to improve your clothes.

 

Yeah, there's definitely a connection. I just started exercising recently to first cut the fat and then I'll work on improving my physique. I'm definitely not schizophrenic on that count. Thanks for any advice on that thread or this one.

 

Your attitude is not unlike someone who has been sexually abused. Many will do all they can to make themselves as unattractive to the opposite sex in order to avoid any kind of sexual intimacy. Unless your parents beat into you that sex was dirty, ugly and shameful, I'd have to question where your beliefs come from, and why so strong. Have you explored this before? Many people grow up with strict and non-demonstrative parents, but don't have quite the level of shame and disgust you have about sex and intimacy.

 

I strongly suggest you seek the services of a trained therapist. This kind of issue is so deeply rooted, that it can't be solved by an internet forum post.

 

FWIW, the fact that you are aware of the problem is really the most important step in getting yourself straightened out.

 

Well, my father's an atheist and my mother's a devout Christian and the major influence on my childhood. I'm also Christian. So the restricting us from dating before we were ready to get married (i.e. adults) was not something entirely bad and I kind of agree with it. I think it would have been a lot more balanced if we were restricted in that way but at least our parents exemplified normal relations between the sexes in a marriage. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Sex was a taboo topic and if discussed (by my mother, my dad never mentioned it) almost always in a negative tone. I guess she thought the opposite situation (us going and having sex at age 15) was the worse scenario, which maybe it was.

 

Of course, as a Christian, I'm aware now that the Bible doesn't teach that all sex is dirty or wrong. And reading the Old Testament shows me that a lot of the patriarchs were really rather sexual - Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, etc. But it's hard to get over years and years of upbringing and try to normalize something that in my gut feels kind of wrong.

[Ariel85]

Yes, but this doesn't add up, and I think you're relying too much on your religious upbringing as a crutch for your curren belief system. My parents were virgins when they got married, and certainly didn't raise their kids to be sleeping around at 15 either. But, we also weren't raised to feel shame about sex, or uncomfortable with something that is quite normal and human. Do you know what I mean? Basically, I think most kids that live within a relatively functional household, aren't taught to be sleeping around as kids. But, your sense of shame and embarassment is a stretch, even for a strict Christian home.

 

Regardless of the real derivation of your pathology, which, technically is moot for this kind of forum, the important thing is to deal with the result. Whether you got here from your parents notions of sex, or you did suffer some type of trauma or abuse isn't the real heart of the matter (it will be relevant for your therapist, of course) for now. The focus is really on you acknowledging that these beliefs are not healthy for you as an adult, and doing what you can to reshape your life.