Met my ex for the first time in 5 months

[dasilva045]

This past week I met my ex for the first time in 5 months. I told her not to contact me at all and to leave me alone and after 4 months of no contact she starts texting me and saying she cant see a reason why we cant talk and there are things she misses about me. So this past week we meet up and everything goes real well. She states that she misses me but she doesnt regret leaving because she said we both needed it. She states she didn't love herself so she cant love someone else and she also states that we both had to work on things. She said change doesnt happen in a month and I told her its been 5 months now. She cried a couple times at dinner but overall dinner went well and we really bonded. I could still see the spark and the connection there.

 

She also told me that she always had plans of moving down south for school and she never did because I would never commit to going with her for school until the day she broke up with me. She states the only time I commited is when I was breaking up with you.

 

After dinner we went to her house and just watched some TV and as I'm leaving we start talking about us. She states she wants to play things by ear and just go with the flow. I then ask her if there is a chance for us and she states she doesnt know. She states that she just knows she wants me in her life. We both agreed that we cannot be friends, not after 5.5 years of dating and being practically engaged. What should I do?

[octour]

What do you want out of this? Do you want to get back together? And is it really her you want or do you just not want to be alone? Also, you mentioned she said 'we both had to work on things'. Have you worked on those things or not? I don't think you'd be here if you didn't want to get back together with her, but so far it sounds real good if that is what you want. However, if you guys split for certain reasons you need to make sure those changes have been made. And that goes for the both of you. If the reasons why you split up are still there, you will split up again and that will be it forever. Tread carefully and work on the changes that needed to be made if they already haven't been taken care of. There is definitely still a connection which most people on this forum would kill for. Oh yeah, let her see the changes for herself. Don't tell her about them. Good for you, man. Best of luck.

[The Mouse]

that looks quite positive,

i think id keep doing what your doing playing it cool and let her worry about the rest. Time scale looks good, doesnt appear to be any rebounds involved?

This might be a good opertunity for you both to demonstrate the things you both had to work on are no longer going to be an issue in a new relationship and see if you really want to get back with her if the chance comes. you may find when she hints at getting together and the opertunity arises you decide its not for you.

On the face of it though it looks like it could be the start of a reconciliation if thats what you both want

[dasilva045]

any more advice would be much appreciated

[Aqua066]

Ok, in my opinion... I think it was too soon to ask "if there is a chance for us". I think everything else was good. This shouts out neediness to me. Believe me I've made the same mistakes myself. I think I agree with Mouse, play it cool. Act aloof. Act completely unaffected by what she does or doesn't do. You've built a great life without her over the course of the last five months right? You don't have to fake that. Live your life. She is just merely another passer by in that life. She needs to do more work to get you back if you ask me... She needs to be the pursuer. She lost her privileges when she broke up with you... Let her come to you and don't get back into relationship talk right away.

 

Good luck man. I'm rooting for you...

[dasilva045]

Do i Try and initiate contact with her or keep the texts simple and let her try to initiate everything?

[magnoliatree]

I'd let her initiate for now and go on with your life as best you can. She sounds a little emotionally unsettled and your contact could push her away. I don't think that you need to say or do anything, just let it be.

 

But a question: why exactly did she break up with you?

[dasilva045]

The reason she broke me up was because she said she became very unhappy in the relationship. She wanted me to change and she would tell me that she was unhappy but I never did anything about it. She said she had lost all feelings for me and therefore didnt feel anything towards me. She said we needed the break up or else we would of gone done a bad path. I tried to get her back a month after the break up and it didnt work caused she claimed no feelings for me even though we hooked up and acted like a couple.

 

Now I dont know if she has feelings or not but the way she acts points to her having feelings but she may never admit that. She also said I was a bad boyfriend and that I didnt care about her. She stated she didnt love herself anymore, so she cant love someone else.

[magnoliatree]

Why was she unhappy, why did she want you to change (from what to what)? These are pretty important questions - you can try to get her back, but if you aren't aware of and fixing the problems, she's never going to see the right changes in you and want you back. Of course, I understand if you kept the specifics generic bc of privacy issues, I just want to be sure that you really know/understand what happened instead of trying to blindly get her back.

[why do we]

Well if there really was a problem and she expected you to do something about it and you let her down it's true it's possible to lose feelings. This moment in time it looks like she doesn't want to lose you but the feeling is just not there (for good or temporarily nobody knows).

Not much you can do now, be yourself, but do show her you care but of course don't pressure for anything. Give it time.

[dasilva045]

I know for a fact I made mistakes but I also know I have corrected a lot of these mistakes and fixed a lot of my issues. One of my main problems is I was very immature and now I have a full time job and take my work very seriously. I know what I want in life and i would lOve to get it another shot with her but it seems like she doesn't want to either because she's scared or just doesn't want to but why wouldn't she want to?

[jbug]

if you dont mind me asking how old are you both?

[dasilva045]

I'm 23 and she's 22

[EgoJoe]

Looks like double cake action to me. She's too young and once they flake out like that it takes them awhile to get back reality. The reality is she opted to lose you when she broke up with you. I don't think being friends or friendly often even if it's towards a reconciliation that she's "not sure about" is a good idea.

 

I can digress and say more but only if you really want to know.

[dasilva045]

Ego joe please keep going. The more info the better

[magnoliatree]

I really think it's over. She's 22, was in a relationship that wasn't meeting her needs for 5.5 years. That's a really long amount of time especially at that age. She missed out on a lot of dating and experiences because of it and now she wants to move on and find something different and better. I don't really blame her, especially at such a young age. I think this is over and you'd do yourself a favor to move on. You are young and this isn't going to be your last relationship, hopefully you've learned something from it (like don't wait to work on problems until it's too late) and can apply them to future relationships. If you can do that, you're golden. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but it's my best guess.

[dasilva045]

Do you guys feel like its ever to late? The mistakes I made weren't the biggest everyone makes mistakes if you ask me. I feel like she knows I could make her the happiest person in the world but for some reason she is scared to give me another chance or just wants to keep me on the side.

[mhowe]

I think she wants to keep you on the side --- nothing she has said has been about getting back together in any meaningful way...."let's just see how it goes". You weren't making her happy, but she may not have found someone else who was either. Not having a job (before) probably played a big part.

 

You might look at this as a learning experience --- dating at your age very often is not the "one", but it is your first major connection with someone. You have moved forward in your life --- just keep doing the same. Don't make yourself the "fall back" guy who she comes to when she has nothing else to do. You deserve better.

[dasilva045]

My belief however is that I know I'm the best guy for her and I know I can make her the happiest girl in the world. All I need is one chance and I firmly believe that.

[magnoliatree]

My belief however is that I know I'm the best guy for her and I know I can make her the happiest girl in the world. All I need is one chance and I firmly believe that.

 

Your belief is not her belief. Most of the girls that I've known around that age who had long relationship just wanted to be free and grow and make their own decisions and live their own lives not settle down with a guy forever. It sounds like she wants that for herself too and that's perfectly healthy and ok. She's never been a single adult. It's not about how happy you can make her, it's that you can't give her that experience that she wants for herself right now. Maybe she'll come back once she's lived life a bit, but if she doesn't get a chance to do it, she will resent you and she probably knows this.

[Ms Darcy]

I then ask her if there is a chance for us and she states she doesnt know. She states that she just knows she wants me in her life. What should I do?

 

You basically tell her you want her back and she basically says "No, but I don't want to lose you so I'll say maybe."

 

She wanted me to change and she would tell me that she was unhappy but I never did anything about it. She said she had lost all feelings for me and therefore didnt feel anything towards me. She said we needed the break up or else we would of gone done a bad path. I tried to get her back a month after the break up and it didnt work caused she claimed no feelings for me even though we hooked up and acted like a couple.

 

Now I dont know if she has feelings or not but the way she acts points to her having feelings but she may never admit that. She also said I was a bad boyfriend and that I didnt care about her. She stated she didnt love herself anymore, so she cant love someone else.

 

I think you are confusing her missing you with her wanting to be with you. She may feel sad, but she is not in love with you. Those feelings are gone.

 

I really think it's over. She's 22, was in a relationship that wasn't meeting her needs for 5.5 years. That's a really long amount of time especially at that age. She missed out on a lot of dating and experiences because of it and now she wants to move on and find something different and better.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

My belief however is that I know I'm the best guy for her and I know I can make her the happiest girl in the world. All I need is one chance and I firmly believe that.

 

I think, eventually, you will let go of this. No, you are not the best person for her. Relationships are about two. If she's not happy with you, she needs to find someone she is happy with. And the same for you.

 

It's not about being a bad bf. It's about her feelings and you can't "fix" yourself to "fix" her feelings. My advice would be to move on.

[Vaglar]

Ms Darcy has a point here, she states the hard cold truth and I can relate to much of that. It's very hard for us dumpees left behind with strong feelings and hope but eventually we'll have to move on, and this is the hard part.

[dasilva045]

I think people make mistakes every day in relationships, mistakes I made were mistakes everyone makes, mistakes that I have been told by other people are definitely forgivable. I didnt do anything that a woman wouldnt forgive a guy for. I know I can make her the happiest and she knows that to, but I think she wasnt ready for the next step, which would of been marriage. Her actions speak louder than words. When she was with me she never went out, now she goes out to night clubs every night. The lifestyle she is living is completely different. I know she knows if she gave me a chance I could make her the happiest but for some reason she's not giving me that chance.

[Vaglar]

The sad truth is, if they don't want to be with you then all bets are off, whatever the reason is. It takes 2 for a relationship.

I wish it'd be different my friend, but life sometimes is cruel so we have to live with the pain of not being able to be with the person we love.

[Ms Darcy]

Her actions speak louder than words. When she was with me she never went out, now she goes out to night clubs every night. The lifestyle she is living is completely different. I know she knows if she gave me a chance I could make her the happiest but for some reason she's not giving me that chance.

 

Yes, her actions speak louder than words and she chooses not to be with you every day.