I don't know what to do about this

[super scrub]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up a little bit over 2 months ago. we were going out for 2 years and in the middle of the first year we decided to move back to our respective parents house because we were sick of the college we were going to. Anyways I would have loved to stay living together but her parents would not have allowed it (we never told them we lived together for a year) so she had to move back home with them. I started up back in school full time and she ended up working in the real estate business with her father. She then started to hate that I was going to school and had no job or income while she was miserable working for her dad. She kept nagging me to find a job even though I was taking 20 units a semester. She stopped being her fun, caring self and only cared about finacial stability and getting her family approval. It's ridicuolous because she is 21 years old and I am 22 and she is trying so hard to be on her own and keep her family happy.

 

I could also tell that she found her sisters new boy friend a lot more interesting than me. He was a manager at best buy and made decent money. It felt like nobody else could see how much of a douche this guy was, he is arrogant and condescending but I was the jerk for thinking that about him.

 

all of a sudden the paintings I made or any of the art I did for her she stopped liking (I am an art major graduating this year). All she cared about was me getting a job. I did get a job and it has been unbelievable tough working 25 hours a week on top of going to school. After awhile of this we decided to break up. she broke up with me but played it off as being "mutual."

 

the thing is it's been 2 months and I have been doing much better. I have been working on writing and drawing a comic book about break ups and have started to try meeting new girls. I have not met any new girls I have liked yet though. I want a girl that is fiery and passionate like how my ex was but the girls I met are to calm and predicitable and it makes me uncomfortable. My ex was great because she challenged me to work harder in everything I did. I improved a lot as a person since I have been with her and so did she. In fact a lot of our relationship was amazing. probably the best time in my life excluding the last month where we fell apart.

 

we recently talked at a bar a week ago to catch up and she liked the comic book I am working on. she seems so stressed out still. Her uncle and aunt are getting divorced and she has other family problems. She tells me that her mom and dad are getting along better but I don't believe that. Every time I was around her house, her father is always yelling at her mom and it's obvious to me that they have not loved each other for a very long time.

 

She always says she needs to find herself but I don't think it is possible as long as she lives at her parents. they manipulate her and she has become more and more sad. Her dad constantly yells at her and has fired her from job a couple of times because he was drunk and pissed for some stupid reason. she thinks partying and going drinking is going to help find her? that's the stupidest thing she could do and I know she hates parties as much as I do. when we talked we were still best friends. we talked and laughed at times she looked teary eyed and I felt a little sad to. I just don't know what to do. If I could I would like to be with her again. I know she says she does not want to yet and it may be to soon to get back together but I don't know. I can tell she is not happy with her family and I'm worried about her. She became so worried about her future and finacial stability that she got rid of me, her only emotional stability. I can't tell her what I think or else I look like a psycho ex but I don't want to sit back and watch her suffer. I do feel betrayed that since she was not happy the first thing she decided to get rid of was me, but even so, she is still my best friend. If she does not want to be with me that is fine, I just want her to be happy.

 

I guess this is what I want to advice on:

 

Should I tell her what I think about her life choices? or

 

Should I let her be and have try to learn or find herself the hard way.

 

I probably won't be able to reply until later tonight because I got to work at my crappy job until midnight (the crappy job I got to make her happy). thanks in advance for any insight.

[DN]

Should I let her be and have try to learn or find herself the hard way.

Let her find out for herself.

[Awoken]

It's going to be hard BUT it would be the best to let her be for now. It sucks having to let go of someone you love. I'm in that situation right now my friend, so feel your pain.

[EgoJoe]

First off, let me say that I completely agree with DN.

 

The only thing I have to add is that her "playing it off as mutual" is a sign of deflection one of the more immature defense mechanisms so that she can spare herself pain. The most obvious would probably be guilt. That being said it's an immature approach but it might help you to consider the fact that she is in pain.

 

I lied I have another thing. A real man considers others opinions and cares about the facts. But, in the end eventually you will be alot better off when you require validation from noone other than yourself. Do not become an egotistical * * * * * but try to develop healthy self-esteem and confidence during this time of solitude. Also, don't make yourself readily available to her. When she contacts you. Come here first for awhile let non-attached perspectives voice a few ideas and then decide on the best approach at that time.

 

Until such a time. Keep your head up! Suppressed libido is supposedly the biggest motivating factor in the greatest pieces of expression that the world has ever seen!

[super scrub]

Good advice. I reread my post. I got to work on my writing skills because it does sound pretty mean what I said when I did not want it to be like that. one problem I have been having though is that I have been trying to move on and meet other girls. I think this one girl likes me but I don't know how I feel about her. I don't want to get into to a relationship while still being in love with my ex but at the same time I'm tired of feeling alone. If she does come back I know it won't before awhile because she is a fiery, pasionate, stubborn person that has to prove everybody wrong instead of admitting she may have been wrong (that quality is probably the thing I love most about her ironically).

[winniethepooh]

Anyways I would have loved to stay living together but her parents would not have allowed it (we never told them we lived together for a year) so she had to move back home with them.

So during that time you can expect she (and you) was stressed about hiding that information from her family.

 

She stopped being her fun, caring self and only cared about finacial stability and getting her family approval. It's ridicuolous because she is 21 years old and I am 22 and she is trying so hard to be on her own and keep her family happy.

It's not ridiculous. It might be misguided but families are, or should be, important. And family bonds are usually very strong. Nevertheless, if all she lives for is to keep her family happy at the expense of her own happiness, then that IS a problem for her (and you if you're together).

 

It felt like nobody else could see how much of a douche this guy was, he is arrogant and condescending but I was the jerk for thinking that about him.

Maybe he is, but I have to say, the way you say that sounds a bit arrogant and condescending in itself.

 

After awhile of this we decided to break up. she broke up with me but played it off as being "mutual."

"we decided to break up" sounds mutual to me. So whether or not it was, you think it wasn't. Does she think it really think it was? Or is she just manipulating words to alleviate her guilt, or something else?

 

My ex was great because she challenged me to work harder in everything I did. I improved a lot as a person since I have been with her and so did she.

Does she know you think this? Does she agree?

 

She tells me that her mom and dad are getting along better but I don't believe that.

Why not?

 

Every time I was around her house, her father is always yelling at her mom and it's obvious to me that they have not loved each other for a very long time.

Maybe they do. People can yell at each other and still love each other. Personally, I don't like that sort of scene and wouldn't want a relationship like that myself. But different things work for different people. Anyway, you yourself said ...

 

I want a girl that is fiery and passionate like how my ex was

 

 

She always says she needs to find herself but I don't think it is possible as long as she lives at her parents.

Reasonable observation, probably true, but that's her choice.

 

Her dad constantly yells at her and has fired her from job a couple of times because he was drunk and pissed for some stupid reason.

Yeah, that doesn't sound good

 

she thinks partying and going drinking is going to help find her?

She wouldn't be the first person to think that.

 

that's the stupidest thing she could do

Maybe. Often that opinion comes from experience, so maybe she has to experience it for herself.

 

I know she says she does not want to yet

Well, you can't read her mind, so your only option is to take what she says at face value.

 

I can't tell her what I think

No, not at the moment from the sounds of it.

 

but I don't want to sit back and watch her suffer.

But you don't really have much choice except to do that (or to sit back and not watch her suffer)

 

I do feel betrayed that since she was not happy the first thing she decided to get rid of was me, but even so, she is still my best friend.

No, she's not at the moment.

 

If she does not want to be with me that is fine, I just want her to be happy.

Then you have to leave her alone since that's what she thinks she wants to be happy. Let her find out for herself. Maybe she's right, maybe she's not. You don't know.

 

Should I tell her what I think about her life choices? or

No. At least, not now, and maybe not ever, unless she asks you and even then, only if you're absolutely sure she really wants to hear what you think.

 

Should I let her be and have try to learn or find herself the hard way.

Yes, unless she makes it clear to you that she wants you involved in that. And that's not by "trying to be just friends" at the moment.

[winniethepooh]

I think this one girl likes me but I don't know how I feel about her. I don't want to get into to a relationship while still being in love with my ex but at the same time I'm tired of feeling alone.

Then don't. If you do, you'll mess both you and her around.

 

because she is a fiery, pasionate, stubborn person that has to prove everybody wrong instead of admitting she may have been wrong (that quality is probably the thing I love most about her ironically).

And what are you like ? Your first post has elements of wanting to prove she's wrong and you're right

[super scrub]

ok, I let me clear things up:

 

*it was not actually a mutual break up because she came over and we went somewhere and I could tell she wanted to break up. She was not talking to me, she was disinterested and looked frustrated. We went to talk about it later that day in the car and we decided to talk about breaking up. then we had the "mutual" break up. Right after that she reveals that she brought my stuff in the trunk of her car already and gave it to me. Meaning she already planned breaking up with me ahead of time.

 

* My ex told me stories about her dad calling her before and that she was going to leave her mom. they never went through with that. Also I remember this one time I was helping them paint their house and her dad was trying to fix the lock on the door. He could not get it fixed, blamed her mom, made her try to fix and left her almost about to cry from yelling at her the whole time. They also when they are home together they are never by each other, they sit on opposites of the room or are in completely different rooms during the day.

 

* My ex's parents convinced her to buy a new car, which I think was a bad idea. Now instead of being able to go back to school and finish up 2 more years of school, she is now paying off her car for the next 3 years. She is now also stuck at her job with her dad because she would not be able to make enough money working full time anywhere else. She is one of the smartest people I know and I know she dreamed of being a business lady or a veterinarian but now I don't think she may even go back to school. Now she is at the mercy of her dad because he can fire her whenever he wants, even if it's over something personal or family related. She also can't afford to move out because her parents put some of her paycheck into a forced savings account instead letting her have it.

 

*my ex girlfriend's sister's boyfriend I don't like for a couple of reasons. 1. When I first met him my ex said something a joke about him nothing serious and he said to shut up or he would beat her up. of course he said it jokingly apparently but I only met the guy for about 20 mins and it made me really angry. me and my ex are both black belts in martial arts and easily could trounce this guy but I don't like people that would even joke about hurting my ex. Maybe if I knew him longer it would not have been so bad but I only knew him for 20 mins and it made a bad first impression for me. 2. He keeps talking about how he has all this money so he can go to places like comic con or taylor swift concerts. I read comics religiously and never went to comic con and he does not read comics like at all. Anyways he was talking down to me about how he had better knowledge in that subject than me because he could afford to go to comic con and see all the panels and what not. He just comes off as full of himself in my eyes. 3. My ex and I also helped him move, he is the kind of guy that owns beer pong tables, all the stupid call of duty poser games and posters of girls in bikinis in his room. 4. Lastly he would not let anybody pay for anything. We got dinner all together and coffee and ice cream afterwards and he kept buying everything. I may not make a lot of money but I can still pay for my date. But instead he kept saying, "nah, don't worry about it I make bank." That's like a slap in my face.

 

* my family does not believe in making a lot of money. They only care about creative and sedimental fufillment. My dad is a scientist at a start up. because of the ecconomy he has been not getting a paycheck for more than a year. but he still goes to work excited and happy. My mom has been a teacher for more than 20 years and she may not make that much money but she gets much more satisfaction doing that and I don't think there is any job more suited for her. I'm worried my ex may be taking trying to take the safe way out. Instead of following her dreams of becoming a business lady or a vet, she is settling at a job she hates just for the stability. I grew up by my parents philosophy and I also truly believe it, "why wake up every morning to a job you hate? you only get one life to live." by staying at this job she does not even like just for the money I know has been taking a toll on her. wanting to go drinking almost every night after a bad day of work can't be good in the long run. by settling with what she has or if she meets a guy that just keeps a stable income with no ambition, I feel like she will regret the decision because she is just limiting herself. I want her to follow her dreams.

 

* I like her because she has all the qualities I lack. I'm shy and I process thoughts in weird ways. when we go out people would sometimes be rude to me, like cut me in line or be impatient with me. She would be right there and she would not let anybody talk to me like that. She is so impulsive while I am laid back. That being said I am more calm and serious and weigh the pros and cons before acting on anything. One thing I did do for her which was the bravest thing I ever did was her ex boyfriend was stalking her and came to my house opened the door and was trying to talk to her. I remember it still, this guy was a martial artist that used practice with us but quit because he was arrogant and undisplined and lazy. that being said I was a black belt when I was a brown belt and had more than 5 years experience on me and was twice my size. My ex was trembling and holding onto my arm (this guy did not treat her well). I kindly but sternly told him that she did not want to talk to her and that he should leave. And he did. I like to think even though we were different in some ways like upbringing, we brought out the best qualities in each other. She was actually not talking to her parents at all before we started going out and now they are on better terms. for the first time in my life I actually really cared about something. I was just going through school half-assed but she made me want to be the best person I could possibly be.

 

you know maybe for as much as I like her. The timing in our lives just is not right

[winniethepooh]

ok, I let me clear things up

Ok, I think at the moment, most or all of what you said is details. It doesn't really change the choices you have left to you at present. So I think you're stuck with leaving her alone to find out for herself.

 

you know maybe for as much as I like her. The timing in our lives just is not right

Ah yes, sometimes that's exactly how it feels. I'm still trying to come to terms with the same thing