Any experienced step-parents

[kizzyfur]

Does anyone here have any experience being a Step-parent? Do you just treat the children like they're your own?? I'm going to be a step-mom soon. My BF is trying to get custody of his kids. We do intend to marry eventually. He wants the kids to become accustomed to the idea of having a new "mom" before we do though. The kids and I get along great, so that's not a problem.

 

I don't want to replace her as their mother. I don't think I'd even be comfortable with them calling me "mom". But if we're going to be living together they're going to have to abide by the rules and I will not allow them to run me over. My BF and I agree on just about everything as far as how kids should be raised. He will want me to give praise and discipline to the children. And if I do have any of my own with him, I would want to treat them all fairly. But she has told my BF she doesn't want me raising her kids.

 

I'm sorry, I'm kinda rambling. I've just been thinking a lot about this. I haven't yet told him about my concerns. I probably shouldn't even worry about it right now.

 

If there are any step-parents out there, I would love to hear your experiences and how you deal with the children.

[sisterlynch]

The most important thing to remember in dealing with a problem is that it could be worse. There are some really tough situations in the world and I could see how step-parenting could be one of them. It doesn't have to be too terrible as long as everyone is willing to try and do what needs to be done.

 

Calling you mom may happen occasionally. I was a teacher for a while and the students would sometimes call me mom by accident, of course.

 

There will be many comprimises, I would employ a professional counselor to deal with small issues as they come up between you, the children and their mother and father.

 

Let the children consider you like a friend or aunt, that is going to give them guidence and always make them feel welcome to talk to you about friends and feelings that they encounter as they grow up. Treat them with respect and they will also respect you.

[StarBrite]

Hopefully things work out well with you and the step children. It doesn't always happen that way. My mother used to babysit my now step sisters and when my mom and dad got married, my sisters had a big problem with it and didn't like my mom anymore. And she had done just about everything for them. A good thing to remember is to always give them the time with their dad that they need. It's very important. If they don't feel they're getting the same attention from him like before, they'll blame you. It sounds like things are pretty good though for the most part. I agree with the friend or aunt thing. It's best to let the children decide where you both stand. Many people think that marriage comes first when in fact it doesn't. The children came first before the new partner and should remain first unltil of age. Make sure they know any disagreements or diciplines are from both your bf and you and that you agree on those types of things. Good luck and i hope things work out.

[sisterlynch]

I saw this article about teaching kids to be a part of the community -- it takes a village kind of volunteerism. It kind of goes along with what you are thinking:

 

outreach.msu.edu/bpbriefs/issues/brief2.pdf

 

I hope that helps!

[Gunther]

Well, I will say this: Dont boss him around, and dont let him boss you around. Let his father make the rulings as far as punishment goes. And just try to get along with him other wise. That is my advice, of course im in line to have a step-dad if my mother finds someone =\

[melrich]

I agree with all the advice here. I myself am a step father and I think there are two important things to be aware of. First don't force yourself on the kids. Let them come to you and set the level of the relationship. Kids are very intuitive, they will see through any attempt to "manufacture" a relationship.

 

Second, as another poster remarked, let them have their time with the father. Initially they will see you as competition, you really need to ensure they understand that you accept their relationship with their dad.

 

One more thing, no matter what the natural mother is like or does, never, ever criticise her to the children. Even if they say bad things about her, never criticise. In fact you should go out of your way to speak positively about her whenever possible. Good luck it can be the most rewarding experience.

[sonjam]

yes, I agree with the advice given above. I have had 3 stepdads growing up, (yes my mother actually married 4 x times) but the last one she married when I already left the house.

 

Thinking back on my experience, I have to say it's easier getting a step dad than a mom because the mother is the nurturer in the family, and kids normally turn to her for comfort and advice, so you will have a lot to be responsible for. I have also been fortunate enough to be a step mom to my late Fiancee (he died 2 x years ago in a motorbike crash). The little boy was 10 at the time, and his mom had nothing good to say about his dad or me.

 

Living with her mostly and only seeing us over weekends didn't help either. Be carefull, the mommy can be very cruel sometimes. The little boy sometimes came to us for the weekend and were instructed to do stuff, and report back to her.

 

He also felt very jealous of his dad's attention, and did not want to share his dad with me. Looking back I can see why - he only got to see his dad every second weekend, and that time was precious. It took nothing out of my life to back off for just one weekend every 2 weeks!!

The last thing I would like to say is, you as a couple need to stand together and be one in the eyes of the child. Kids love to play parents off against each other. Make sure when you say no, that the Dad will enforce it, and not give and and say yes. It undermines your authority, and makes the kids think what you say don't count.

[kizzyfur]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I would never keep their dad away from them. I rather enjoy spending time with all of them together. Doing things as a family. In fact, with me, they'll have more time with their dad than they did when he was with his ex-wife. She always wanted him to stay cooped up in the bedroom with her while the kids ran the house. I on the other hand, would rather do things together with them or just let him have quality time with them by himself. To me, kids come first. I can have my time with him when they're in bed or at school. Or like I said, together doing something with the kids. And there's always the times they'll want to visit their Grammy.

 

I also know not to badmouth her to them, or even if they're within hearing distance. I will not play that game. It's not going to benefit anyone. I'm sure she will though. As she already does this when someone doesn't do something her way. So I anticipate that happening.

 

I have always wanted kids and enjoy spending time with them. I am not a strict person, but at the same time I don't believe in spoiling the child either. I think the idea of treating them as an aunt would is a good one. That's pretty much how I figured it would work out anyway. I don't foresee any problems with them bonding to me as that's already been established. They've actually bonded to me more than their own mother, which is really sad I know. I even know more about them than she does.

 

I really don't know why I suddenly started to worry about this. The kids and I get along great.

 

Thank you again for all of your replies.

[shereen]

i am a step mom and a mom...nothing like you kids no mattar what...i tryed to do my best with my step son..try to be in control from the first day...otherwise you gonna have hardtimes with them...and try to talk to their mother and let her tell them to listen to you or you really will have hardtimes with them....to be honest i was thinking about divorce coz of my step son..and i'm still thinking...coz it gets worse with me.....sorry to tell you that...but may be you'll be lucky....good luck

[kizzyfur]

Shareen, I'm sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble with your step-son that it's caused you to consider divorce. How old is your step-son? How long have you been with your husband?

 

I have asked about this to get other peoples perspectives on the subject. Now my BF isn't sure what he wants to do. Last time I talked to him about it he was even considering letting her keep the kids. That would be a big mistake on his part. But it's his business. I've given him my advice, that's all I can do.

 

Thank you all for your advice and experiences. I really do appreciate it.

[shereen]

hi kizzyfur..

my step-son is 12 years old and i've been married 4 years ago and i have a boy 11 month old..but my step-son dosn't live with me all the year he just comes in the summer and all the school day's off..and he will finish this marriage very soon..coz you will see that your husband will give them all his time which is you will not gonna stand that for along time.

we never made love while his son is with us...that was the main thing ,plus that age is very bad they don't listen to their parents even...it is hard ..`

[ComputerGuy]

OK, let me give some advice as a step-child. My step-mum is a good example of what you DON'T want to be like. Whatever you do, do not try and replace their mother, I can tell you right now that's a one way street to hell. I know you already said you don't want to, and that's good, but it would require a conscious effort because I know you can start doing it without realising it.

 

Secondly, don't let their real mum push you around, if they are living under you and your b/f's roof, they abide by the family rules, simple. You may get along fine with them, but when discipline is needed, be prepared, because it si going to be a lot harder for you and they WILL push your limits. Also, I hope you aren't easily hurt, because I can almost guarantee "You're not my mum" oor some variant is going to come up at some point.....so be prepared, and don't let it get to you.

 

Make sure you treat them fairly, especially iof you 2 have a kid of your own together. Resentment can happen very easily towards the younger sibling in instances like this, so it's a good idea that if you do something for one, do it for the other.

 

The basic rules are the same as if you were their real mother, with the difference being you're not, and it will get used against you in times of anger. The main thing that you do need to do differently however, is you have to be almost "over fair" if you get what I mean. Make sure at no point, no matter how small, one kid gets something the others dont for no apparent reason. The other thing is you have to make a much more conscious effort to remain calm and impartial when passing down discipline.

 

I don't mean to scare you any, so sorry if I did, but good luck