At 38, running out of optons and hope

[Aries73]

I find myself in pretty low spirits after finding out a co-worker was already taken--not that it hadn't crossed my mind but why am I the only one who cannot take this kind of shot and score? She was quite good about the whole situation and I have no grievance toward her. It was all attraction on my end and I have never been under any illusions about that.

 

So I again find myself looking for a reason to keep living. All I have to come home to is my computer and PS3. I haven't a Facebook account and likely no reason to have one (I have no pictures of myself and never really had any reason to have any). I've been in Minneapolis for nearly 10 years and really know no one here. I am really no good at socializing and feel that it gets less and less purposeful the older I get.

 

Maybe I'm just stubborn, but I guess I need to realize that the good ones are almost always taken at my age range. Going back to square 1 is getting more and more unnerving.

[camus154]

Well, first tell us all the things you've done in these 10 years to establish a good social network and to better your own life for yourself. Then we can chat about not being able to find any good women.

[Aries73]

I've really never done anything of the sort. Much of my time had been taken either working or looking for work or despairing at my lack of money to really concern myself with having a social network. Beyond gaming, I really have no normal social interests. Such is the price of being an only child.

[abitbroken]

It is no one's fault that you don't know anyone. Stop playing your PS3 and go out and take a walk at the park, go to link removed for groups that interest you and also volunteer. When you are not just generally socializing but meeting over one of your interests, it is very easy to talk with other people. It comes naturally. You might not meet a group of eligible women to date, but it will make it easy to feel at ease and everyone has friends, sisters, of course. Also, after you get confidence I recommend speed dating not even to meet someone but just to show yourself that there are women out there who are single and to practice having conversations with them.

 

The good ones are NOT almost all taken, you just need to know where to look and also not just go after the supermodel type. Sure, some of us in this age group are divorced or widowed (military, etc), but there are a lot of great gals out there who are in the age range. In fact, I have two cousins that didn't marry until they were 40 for the first time because they had devoted themselves to careers or one just met a lot of Mr Wrongs. Also, don't limit yourself to age, there could be women as young as 30 or early 30s through women in their early 40s that would have a lot in common with you.

[abitbroken]

I've really never done anything of the sort. Much of my time had been taken either working or looking for work or despairing at my lack of money to really concern myself with having a social network. Beyond gaming, I really have no normal social interests. Such is the price of being an only child.

 

it is not due to being an only child. I know only children who travel extensively, who like to go bowling, etc, some are very close to their cousins. Some are not. If you have a lack of money, there are cheap things to do like volunteering for fun, listening to open mic nights, and of course there are extreme couponing groups lol

[camus154]

Such is the price of being an only child.

 

This is an excuse. No one's responsible for your own happiness but you.

[Edmund Exley]

Joined Facebook at 38 because I moved to another town and wanted to connect with old friends. At 39 I reconnected with a woman Id known since my teens. At 40 I married her, and at 41 I am about to become a father.

 

Its never too late but you wont find a girl on your PS3, and you wont find many interested in 38 year old gamers. Get out and get connected. Stop making excuses.

[happyfrank]

Not true. You can meet good ones at any age. Some females feel the same as you too. I have female friend and my wife's cousin Feel down about being single yet they don't like going out. Cheer up Aries. Try link removed groups. They have gamer groups and also singles groups where you can possible meet somebody cool.

[Aries73]

Joined Facebook at 38 because I moved to another town and wanted to connect with old friends. At 39 I reconnected with a woman Id known since my teens. At 40 I married her, and at 41 I am about to become a father.

 

Its never too late but you wont find a girl on your PS3, and you wont find many interested in 38 year old gamers. Get out and get connected. Stop making excuses.

 

Congratulations twice over. I wish you well.

 

Unfortunately, I've rarely been capable of making social connections in school. It's been 20 years since I graduated and very few even signed my gusetbook at Classmates--no surprise, really, as I never really fit in high school socially.

 

Even if I joined Facebook, who would even know who I was? I have no pictures past or present nor the desire to present any (I am far from GQ material).

 

Gaming has been and is really the only thing I am good at (have been at it since I was 7). To throw that aside would leave me with nothing.

[abitbroken]

Congratulations twice over. I wish you well.

 

Unfortunately, I've rarely been capable of making social connections in school. It's been 20 years since I graduated and very few even signed my gusetbook at Classmates--no surprise, really, as I never really fit in high school socially.

 

Even if I joined Facebook, who would even know who I was? I have no pictures past or present nor the desire to present any (I am far from GQ material).

 

Gaming has been and is really the only thing I am good at (have been at it since I was 7). To throw that aside would leave me with nothing.

 

Some people have pics of their dog or something else as their avatar. Also, I am sure there are tons of gamers online. That is your opinion that you are nothing except gaming. It is up to you to prove the world wrong. What about volunteering for big brothers/big sisters and finding a little brother that has the same interests? My library has a gaming meetup. granted its for teens, but maybe you could start something for adults to talk about it together. What about getting a part time job at a comic store that sells gaming stuff or a store that sells comptuers and video games? You could talk to people about what you love. And why not just try something NEW??

[camus154]

You're still making excuses. Everything you're saying is negative and a reason why you can't or shouldn't do something. That's your problem right there. Is this making sense to you?

[Lavender25]

Congratulations twice over. I wish you well.

 

Unfortunately, I've rarely been capable of making social connections in school. It's been 20 years since I graduated and very few even signed my gusetbook at Classmates--no surprise, really, as I never really fit in high school socially.

 

Even if I joined Facebook, who would even know who I was? I have no pictures past or present nor the desire to present any (I am far from GQ material).

 

Gaming has been and is really the only thing I am good at (have been at it since I was 7). To throw that aside would leave me with nothing.

 

By posting on this site it makes me think that you want help and advice. However, when you keep putting "road blocks" like this response in everyone's way, it doesn't make us want to help you. In fact, it's very unattractive. Why not just have an open mind?

[Aries73]

By posting on this site it makes me think that you want help and advice. However, when you keep putting "road blocks" like this response in everyone's way, it doesn't make us want to help you. In fact, it's very unattractive. Why not just have an open mind?

 

I don't intend to make excuses. This is honestly what I am up against when it comes to social interaction. I simply have no meaningful interests that normal people have. I only watch sporting events (I've never been all that athletic myself), I only listen to music (tried to play an instrument but school got in the way), and my only interest is something most of you would dismiss as something not for my age group.

 

I thank everyone for pointing out these avenues and reminding me I'm not alone in this. I know only I can take advantage of this knowledge and I need get past the roadblocks in my mind. I only wish my fear of rejection didn't make this any harder than it needs to be.

[abitbroken]

Okay - a LOT of people like to watch sports. People meet at bars to watch sports. A good date for a sports lover is dinner and a game. MANY people enjoy listening to music. Many people enjoy going to piano bars, concerts, or having a dinner party and having nice music playing. Few people DON'T like listing to music of some sort. It is a really easy interest to find someone to talk about it with. And if you ever wanted to play a musical instrument, its never too late to take lessons. I know someone who is 60 who learned to play the piano. I am considering picking an instrument up again myself.

 

Gaming is not necessarily "not for your age group", but the isolation and feeling that's the only important thing is. i don't advise you to meet a female gamer who is that intense about it as you need someone to balance you out and be the more social of the two. Its good that she wouldn't hate it, but you need someone who is not going to sit and want to be alone absorbed in her game like you are all the time.

[camus154]

Dude, I didn't really care much for football until 2 seasons ago when I began going to a local sports bar on Sundays with a group of friends. Now it's a weekly ritual where we spend 4 hours together watching several games. Not only do I enjoy the interaction and the ritual, but I've gained an appreciation for an interest I never thought I'd have. I also made some new friends along the way.

[Aries73]

Right now I just wish I knew how to turn away these thoughts in my head calling on me to stop trying to attract someone and resign myself to being alone from here on out. I don't want to withdraw from society, but I'm unable to give myself believable reasons to keep going.

[Aries73]

Woke up almost an hour ago trying to shake off this feeling of despair. I just can't let myself believe that everything I've done up to this point was for nothing (losing 35 lbs. since being released from the hospital for heart failure this past June, bringing my blood glucose down to nearly normal, becoming more physically active). Nor can I let myself feel my life has so little value that I can't keep doing this for myself. I never want to go back to the point 14 years ago where I felt like throwing my life away after being rejected.

 

I don't know what I can do to restore any hope of getting out of being single, but I absolutely have to keep going in the positive directions I'm already on. I have to keep believing I'm worth at least that much.

[sunnyhappydays]

Forget about a woman and get emotionally healthy instead. You need to go to therapy because you sound depressed. Get that under control and get a life (friends, hobbies, joys) and then worry about the girlfriend. You are not a woman, you have no biological clock. What difference does it make if you marry at 40 or 45? But if you are unhappy and sad, then you won't find a healthy relationship. So make yourself the best you can be and then your life will come together.

[Aries73]

You're still making excuses. Everything you're saying is negative and a reason why you can't or shouldn't do something. That's your problem right there. Is this making sense to you?

 

Sadly, yes. I have found it necessary to find reasons to not try to do something because of my fear of others rejecting me. Joining social groups is like climbing Mount Everest for me because I fear that I will prove myself incapable of interacting with others. I am and have always been deathly afraid of talking about myself because I have so little to say. I hear others who talk about their various adventures, travels, and successes and I just feel like I cannot say anything. My life just won't qualify for a publishable biography.

 

I wish that I were more confident in myself, enough to join social groups without fear. I want to be good at something other than games without fearing my mistakes will incur rejection from others. I want to talk to others without fear that what I have to say is too tedious. I want to prove to others that I have something to offer others and be able to do so. I want my thoughts to be put into voice again without fear of being shut down or silienced. I want to live again instead of just merely existing and surviving.

 

I have these desires. I just need to know how to fulfill them with as few setbacks as possible.

[abitbroken]

If you join the group, you will not have to talk about yourself other than telling people when you first started getting into a hobby or whatever. I recommend you join your local Toastmasters. People get together and all make short speeches to learn self confidence and to meet people. It can be very transforming. Also, going out and volunteering makes one feel good also.

What about simply joining a hiking group, or just start hiking the trail yourself. There are also fitness classes that meet at some parks, etc. If you think you are not interesting, go out and get interesting - just do things.

 

Maybe you do have a story to tell about how you almost died that can encourage other people who are struggling with their health and weight and you are living proof that you can change you situation because you did - your health is more under control.

 

But I do suggest you get walking, etc so you aren't sitting in front of the computer or tv