Dating Friends of Friends

[hopefulromantic79]

I think the whole dating dynamic changes when you date your friends' friends. Do you think, as daters, you would treat someone differently if you had friends in common? Would you try harder to make it work out or string them along for as long as possible in order to appease the friend(s) who set you up?

 

I am dating my best friend's boyfriend's best friend. So it's a bit touchy as you can imagine. I really like him a lot, but in the back of my mind I am thinking he is being overly nice to me since we have friends in common. We have seen each other 3 times and they have been great (in my opinion), but not sure what he's feeling. He did say that he wants to take it up a notch to "2nd gear" - meaning we'll have one night a week (or two) where we hang out and do things. Do you think that is a natural sign of interest or just a way to control the situation so that my friends will be happy?

 

Help! I cannot believe dating is so hard - definitely not as easy as it used to be. Think it has changed a lot.

 

Thanks, as always -

 

~ HR

[Eocsor]

I think when you are dating a friends friend you have to make sure to treat them honorably and play it straight. But beyond that I don't think you stay dating that person unless you are really interested.

[DylanNotorious]

No I don't think so. I think the opposite.

 

I think that if you date someone who tries to hide you from their friends, or other people - you should run away from those people. But this guy wants to step it up a notch with you in front of his friends, so he is really into you.

 

You gotta stay away from people who won't acknowledge you to their friends or anyone they know. That is a huge red flag.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think the dynamic definitely changes. You probably will be a little nicer to them because you don't want to disappoint your friend. The real difficulty is if you don't like the person. How long can you drag your feet, before you kindly bow out. It's an extra layer of pressure, especially if your friends are asking "how's it going," all the time. If this guy is asking to take it up a notch, he's definitely interested.

[Moontiger]

Hmmm, I think there are a lot of factors that can make something like this really awesome or a giant train wreck. I've been seeing a guy who I meet through a friend for a few weeks now. Luckily we are all very honest, mature, and blunt individuals.

 

The only real issue I see is with boundaries, so if you and this guy have a fight about something can/should you talk to your BFF about it, if you do can/should she talk to her BF about it...it just gets messy and you have to be careful.

[XxJustMexX]

Yes. In fact I met my current boyfriend through my friend's boyfriend. (He's my friend's boyfriend's friend.) In my case, we all live together, so there definitely ARE some issues that comes with the territory.

 

For instance, I always feel like I can't talk about "roomie issues" with him because I don't want to compromise his friendship since his best friend is also part of the roomie situation. The biggest issue is that my friend and her boyfriend aren't exactly great roommates. Always behind on rent, borrows money and puts me on the backburner when they get money and time to pay me back, never cleans up (my boyfriend and I clean up after them... he says he doesn't mind, but I do!!)... stuff like that. So when stuff like that bothers me I always feel hesitant to rant to him because I don't want to overstep my boundaries with their relationship. I do know that he and I are on the same level with responsibilities (let's just say he and I are responsible, and our friends aren't...) so I'm pretty sure he knows my thoughts on that anyway... I just sometimes feel like I can't blow steam with him sometimes because of his friendship with them so I try to keep my problems with them to a minimum. Normally I keep my mouth shut and find someone else to rant to. That kind of sucks because a lot of my problems in life are problems in my home (again, roommate issues) and for me to not be able to share with him everything, I kind of feel held back in the relationship.

 

One good thing is I feel like I've created a family within my house with the 4 of us. She and I have known each other for about 16 years, and we both met her boyfriend 2 years ago. I didn't meet my boyfriend until this year though since he hadn't seen his friend for a few months either... I guess I just wasn't around when he was around...) and that's the time that they all moved into my house. Since then we've all become good friends and aside from the typical roomie issues, we all have a cool time together. But....

 

I do have to mention though that since my boyfriend moved in, it seems he and his friend are actually drifting apart. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I don't make him pay rent (of course not, we share finances, why would I?) and they do. They've kind of had this grudge against him since he moved in because of that. They've never quite said it straight up, but they've made quite a few hints and comments along the lines of how my boyfriend doesn't pay rent. (Again, we share finances so his money is shared with mine anyway... not to mention that's not their business anyway who and how much I charge for rent in MY house...) I think this is due to jealousy... So ya, this is one issue that can come up in dating friends of friends... You get that jealousy when someone eventually starts feeling like they're getting less of your time, or getting more priviledges or whatever. It may just be my friend though because like I said, they're pretty immature.

 

Anyway, back to drifting apart. It does seem like the more he and I get serious, the more he and his friend butt heads. It seems like more and more these days we all don't hang out with each other often. (Which I don't mind, because he and I need to start having more US time...) We're drifting from "the four of us" all the time, to - them two - and us two... I honestly do think that it has something to do with the fact that he and I are dating. Actually we were just talking about how I think they have some sort of issue with he and I dating because they always seem to have something to say to put him down, or put us down. It's childish really and my bf and I don't pay attention to it.

 

All in all, I don't think it's a bad idea.... But you do have to watch out for jealousy issues and you also won't be able to share too many problems if it pertains to the friend. ESPECIALLY in our case (OP) since not only are we friends with ONE person, we're friends with our friend AND her boyfriend to begin with... So ya, we're not dealing with one person, we're dealing with two... messy messy.

[hopefulromantic79]

Thanks, all - appreciate your comments and viewpoints. We have been dating now for a few weeks and he has made more references to being in "2nd gear" - after 3 weeks, he wants to see each other one or two nights a week. I will say it's a bit tricky with friends involved, but so far so good. He has also brought up me calling him since he has been the one calling me. I guess I'm not comfortable on the phone exactly, so I tend to let a guy take the lead. I feel like everytime I used to call a man, he'd lose interest quickly which has lead me to believe that a man who cares, calls. Should I be scared of calling him? Does this mean I don't fully trust him? Will he think I'm clingy if I call him first? This dating stuff is really confusing and I can't get the hang of it

[Ms Darcy]

Call him every once in a while but not all the time. Keep the calls short. I am happy it seems to be progressing well.

[hopefulromantic79]

Thanks, Ms Darcy! I am actually pretty in "like" with him - we have agreed to be exclusive and he asked if he could call me his girlfriend. I am happy with how this is progressing, but part of me doesn't trust him quite yet. Hopefully no red flags pop up and it'll be smooth sailing. I don't want to jinx it, but I think he might be the one for me...very exciting but scary. For the meantime, keeping my expectations low and will enjoy the ride.