Rebound or not?

[Thinker19]

First of all, can I say that I'm so happy that I happened to find these forums. It has made me strong!

 

Here is my predicament:

 

A guy I was seeing ended things with me about a month ago, but we agreed to stay on good terms. I was sad because he moved onto someone else so quickly, within in a week in fact, after he said that he really liked me. He is not the type to have relationships often and he barely knew her at all. He lied to me and said that "he didn't want to be in a relationship", but then got into one with her literally straight away. Before we had acted like we were in a relationship without the label, and we had both hinted that that was what we would eventually want.

 

He had however always acted very insecure; I tend to get male attention and he hated that, whilst I'm told that the new girl is a lot plainer than me. He admitted he thought I would cheat on him, and asked whether I would sleep with anyone else, and told me that that is why we could never be together. When we left it, at first he acted very bitter, saying "go sleep with anyone you want, I don't care". I went to Uni with him acting warm and caring and came back the week later to find him acting very distant. Him and his girlfriend have a long distance relationship too so I cannot understand his psychology.

 

However, he had often mentioned that he wanted to move to the place she was at before he even met her - coincidence? I don't know. Convenient for him? Perhaps.

 

Now there may be many reasons for him ignoring me, but I can't understand why he wouldn't at least wish me the best like I have done to him? All I have been is friendly, and since he has been with her he has completely ignored me. I left it at 'wish you the best', he didn't bother replying. I am not talking to him now at all but I cannot understand why some people can be so cold.

 

I'm just confused about this, and his true reasons for ending it. I know hes a complete idiot, but I still have very strong feelings for him. I think he was my first love and it hurts a lot.

[KronicMan]

my ex also got with someone a week after we broke up. we dont really know if its a rebound or not, but we do know that they dont want to be with us. it hurts and it sucks to be ignored, but it also sucks to be told 'its over, move on' - just take the ignore as its over...feel better

[winniethepooh]

Yup, sounds like a rebound.

 

He ended it with you. That forces you into accepting a limited number of options. Basically, leave him alone and move on. Or respond to contact from him if there is a benefit to you in doing that.

 

A guy I was seeing ended things with me about a month ago, but we agreed to stay on good terms. I was sad because he moved onto someone else so quickly, within in a week in fact, after he said that he really liked me. He is not the type to have relationships often and he barely knew her at all. He lied to me and said that "he didn't want to be in a relationship", but then got into one with her literally straight away. Before we had acted like we were in a relationship without the label, and we had both hinted that that was what we would eventually want.

Agreeing to stay on good terms after a break-up sounds dignified and honorable at first blush, but emotionally, most people find it difficult right away.

 

He didn't necessarily lie to you. Maybe that's really how he felt when he said that but after the break-up, starting a relationship with someone else was less painful than facing the pain of the break-up with you. And if he left you, then he might have pain from the guilt of hurting you. Ironically, that guilt pain might increase now that he's involved with someone else, but be masked for him by the feelings of intimacy with another person.

 

He had however always acted very insecure; I tend to get male attention and he hated that, whilst I'm told that the new girl is a lot plainer than me. He admitted he thought I would cheat on him, and asked whether I would sleep with anyone else, and told me that that is why we could never be together.

Whilst that might sound irrational to you, it was a real fear for him. Does it reflect an innate sense of insecurity on his part, or the amount of male attention you get, or both?

 

When we left it, at first he acted very bitter, saying "go sleep with anyone you want, I don't care".

That's a splutter of pain as the result of breaking up. Ignore it.

 

I went to Uni with him acting warm and caring and came back the week later to find him acting very distant. Him and his girlfriend have a long distance relationship too so I cannot understand his psychology.

 

However, he had often mentioned that he wanted to move to the place she was at before he even met her - coincidence? I don't know. Convenient for him? Perhaps.

Yes, who knows? Any or all or none of the above might be factors. I think the most significant one is that you broke up, he's in pain, he's trying to avoid it.

 

Now there may be many reasons for him ignoring me,

Guilt is the first one that comes to mind in my opinion.

 

but I can't understand why he wouldn't at least wish me the best like I have done to him? All I have been is friendly, and since he has been with her he has completely ignored me. I left it at 'wish you the best', he didn't bother replying.

Maybe he doesn't know what to say without feeling like he'd be dishonest, or hurting you, or he's afraid of your potential reaction. All maybes, and pointless to dwell on at this stage.

 

I am not talking to him now at all

Sounds like the best idea under the circumstances. I'm sorry, I know it hurts though

 

but I cannot understand why some people can be so cold.

Because they lack emotion. Because they hurt. Because they're afraid of their emotions. Because they're cruel. Because they don't want to hurt you. Because they just don't think about things in the same way as you. Because ... there are many reasons.

 

I'm just confused about this, and his true reasons for ending it.

If he didn't tell you then, he sure won't be telling you now. Maybe one day in the future you'll get an opportunity to find out but assume that's months away, if ever. If you can rationally (difficult at present) figure out what you did or didn't do to contribute to the relationship breakup, then you could focus on changing those things in you IF they are things you want to change.

 

I know hes a complete idiot,

Really? Sometimes people aren't idiots but do idiotic things. I don't think I'm an idiot but I know I've done things that would prompt people to say I am.

 

but I still have very strong feelings for him. I think he was my first love and it hurts a lot.

Yes you do, and yes it does There are many many people on this forum who understand that and know exactly how you feel, me included at present.

 

For now, leave him alone. Avoid anything to do with him, avoid getting any information about him. It will hurt, and you will struggle with this but believe everyone here who says anything else will hurt more. That knowledge comes from painful experiences.

 

You have been friendly and dignified with your post breakup communication. At least you have not left him with bad memories of you. That reflects well on you as a person and you can hold your head up and know that you have behaved with dignity. I know you couldn't care less about that right now but in time you will.

 

You do have one other option. That is to pursue him and interfere with his current relationship/rebound. But I don't think anyone here would recommend that as a good option for you, irrespective of the outcome.

[winniethepooh]

Ok, I'm having a second thought here. Given that you posted in the GBT forum, that you're hurting, and based on the information you supplied, here is one theory and a possible action.

 

He's insecure because he's worried about you sleeping with someone else, so he broke up with you out of fear that might happen. Now he's with someone else POSSIBLY because he fears you will quickly move on to someone else, so he wants to get there first so to speak.

 

Maybe you could send him a letter something like this (and I'm only suggesting it because his rebound is fresh, and an LDR to boot):

 

Dear xxxx,

 

I'm very sorry that things ended with us. I understand your insecurities and fears, and I'm sorry if there was something in my behavior that provoked that. If you would like to talk about that and help me to find ways so that you don't need to feel insecure, then I would like to do that with you and try and work on our relationship together.

 

If you don't, then I understand and I will respect and accept your wish to break up by leaving you alone from here on.

 

Take care,

Thinker19

 

BUT! Keep in mind the following.

 

1. I might not be thinking rationally given that I am still suffering from my own breakup.

2. You don't have complete information - you don't know how he's feeling, you can't read his mind, you don't really know what his reason for breaking up with you were.

3. This is probably more likely to backfire and drive him away, as opposed to prompting a reconnection. But given that you are hurting anyway, that might not make it so much worse for you. And then you really know you have tried.

4. I don't know how old you are, or how long you were together. Maybe that makes a difference, maybe not.

5. I have no idea about his maturity level, desires, fears, blah blah blah. He might well be an idiot and a breakup might well be a bullet dodged for you. Seriously, try and think about that.

 

Whatever you do, don't send it until you at least get some opinions from other posters here (and rewrite it in your own words). Especially DN. He is usually clear, concise, and gets right to the heart of things.

[Thinker19]

Thank you very much for your replies.

I forgot to mention other significant stuff that he said to me... the day after we met up and we basically agreed that we liked each other but couldn't be together, he started texting me things like "I never liked you" and "I never found you attractive". I felt like our entire relationship had been a lie.

I know at this point he had already met this girl, but he had told me that it was nothing. Three weeks later I see they are together.

We were not together very long, can't have been more than 2 and a half months, but like I said he is not the type to constantly have relationships. To see him do that and so soon is very out of character. And for me the amount of time doesn't make much of a difference because of my intensity of feelings. He after all was the one that initiated the relationship, the one that pursued something more with me, just for a week later to throw it back in my face.

 

I know two of his exes cheated on him and I believe that this too is a factor.

 

I don't think I can face contacting him anymore, but thank you. I know he would just ignore me anyway, seeing as how great things are going with his girlfriend (even though they barely see each other, which is what I find bizarre too).

[winniethepooh]

I forgot to mention other significant stuff that he said to me... the day after we met up and we basically agreed that we liked each other but couldn't be together, he started texting me things like "I never liked you" and "I never found you attractive". I felt like our entire relationship had been a lie.

Ah. That might be post-breakup emotional splutters from him. Whatever, please ignore my suggestion of a letter now. If someone says things like that, that's disrespectful to you and the relationship (in which case you should leave him alone). And if that really is what he thinks, then even more reason to leave him alone.

 

I know at this point he had already met this girl, but he had told me that it was nothing. Three weeks later I see they are together.

Then it's not nothing. One way or another. I know that hurts for you

 

To see him do that and so soon is very out of character.

Maybe. Maybe not. People do things out of character all the time. People change. Your original question was whether or not this is a rebound. If your understanding of him is correct, then probably it is. In which case, leave him alone. It's also possible your understanding of him changes as you recover from the breakup. In which case, leave him alone.

 

Do you have moments when you have quite different opinions of him? And changing desires about whether or not you want to be with him?

 

And for me the amount of time doesn't make much of a difference because of my intensity of feelings.

It does and it doesn't. More important is that that doesn't matter now for you. Even if it had been much longer, I think most people would still say you should leave him alone and move on.

 

He after all was the one that initiated the relationship, the one that pursued something more with me, just for a week later to throw it back in my face.

Hmmm ... that makes it sound like he's a player. But I don't get why he would move on to an LDR then.

 

I know two of his exes cheated on him and I believe that this too is a factor.

But you didn't cheat on him. It probably is a factor but the way to resolve that is by communicating, not by walking away. He chose the latter which forces you to accept that he doesn't want to communicate.

 

I don't think I can face contacting him anymore,

Good. Because at this stage it is best for you to leave him alone.

 

seeing as how great things are going with his girlfriend

Not that it makes a difference to what you do now, but you don't know that. I say that because I think it's important not to make assumptions.

[winniethepooh]

Here's something for you to think about ...

 

I tend to get male attention

 

He after all was the one that initiated the relationship, the one that pursued something more with me,

 

I think he was my first love and it hurts a lot.

 

Take some time to figure out why you get male attention, and what sort of males that attention comes from. If they are males that you want the attention from, then that's great.

 

Some men like the chase more than a relationship. Some women like to be chased more than having a relationship. Sometimes those desires change. You should figure out what you like and make sure that matches what the men chasing you like - before you start developing feelings.

 

Look up some websites about Pick-up Artists (PUA) - there are forums that have lots of information. So that you have greater awareness of how some people play the game.

 

I'm not saying your ex is a PUA. It doesn't sound like it from your first post. It still sounds like more of a communication problem. But he chose to not communicate and there's nothing that you can do about that. Or if you discover there is, please tell me because I'm looking for the same answer

[Thinker19]

Thank you very much again.

 

"Hmmm ... that makes it sound like he's a player. But I don't get why he would move on to an LDR then." - That is why it hurts a lot more to be honest. If I knew he was a player, then it would be a lot easier. But he has got into another relationship, a serious one, right afterwards. Maybe he did just change as a person but in a week? I don't know. To me it seems like he went for the easier option.

 

"Take some time to figure out why you get male attention, and what sort of males that attention comes from. If they are males that you want the attention from, then that's great." - They are not males I would want it from if I was in a relationship. It is on a purely sexual level, like in nightclubs and stuff like that.

 

I also agree that he might have enjoyed the chase far more, but then when you add him getting into a LDR straight away into the equation, it does not make much sense yet again. I think the main factor was me going to University to be quite honest; I have seen so many relationships fall apart in the last month its unbelievable.

 

I'm not talking to him because even if it was a communication problem, I deserve better than someone who says they never found me attractive! Something I know is untrue anyway from what he had told a mutual friend. He had liked me a long time before we were even together, and wanted to be with me then.

 

I also have a feeling that he thought that I was the one that didn't want a relationship. But whatever he thought, I did explain to him that that is what I wanted, and he was an arse about it. So therefore I think I deserve better and I won't be wasting my time on someone that can be so cruel. I do not see him doing any grovelling back to me; he has made a clear decision to move on, for whatever reason, and I know I have to as well.

 

Thank you again. And if I do get any more answers I will be sure to tell you!

[winniethepooh]

Thank you very much again.

You're welcome

 

That is why it hurts a lot more to be honest. If I knew he was a player, then it would be a lot easier.

Yes, I can relate to that. There are times when I think I got played, and then although I feel annoyed to say the least, I find it much easier to focus on myself and moving on. Unfortunately those times don't seem to last very long. I still don't really believe it.

 

But he has got into another relationship, a serious one, right afterwards. Maybe he did just change as a person but in a week? I don't know. To me it seems like he went for the easier option.

Or pain avoidance.

 

They are not males I would want it from if I was in a relationship. It is on a purely sexual level, like in nightclubs and stuff like that.

Ah, but that's sometimes where we can get in to trouble. Love (or that feeling anyway) can sneak up on us quickly and quietly, and once it does, our perceptions are distorted until we fall out of love. Sexual attraction is one way that plays with our emotions - look at how often FWB relationships get complicated for one or both people.

 

I also agree that he might have enjoyed the chase far more, but then when you add him getting into a LDR straight away into the equation, it does not make much sense yet again. I think the main factor was me going to University to be quite honest;

At the moment, the best you can do is just try to accept that nothing much makes sense about your ex, which is why it's important for you to get to a rational happy state again as soon as possible. Much easier said than done ...

 

I'm not talking to him because even if it was a communication problem, I deserve better than someone who says they never found me attractive!

Quite right. He might be talking from pain, but even so, it's still disrespectful to you, and as you point out, untrue.

 

I also have a feeling that he thought that I was the one that didn't want a relationship.

Yuk, that's a really difficult mindset to deal with. I'm really struggling with that myself too. This is a conflict between your feelings and your thoughts - your heart is desperately trying to find a way to justify his actions, which might then give you an excuse to contact him. But ...

 

But whatever he thought, I did explain to him that that is what I wanted, and he was an arse about it.

This sounds like more clear-headed thinking, and you have to try to remember that when your heart is playing tricks on you.

 

So therefore I think I deserve better and I won't be wasting my time on someone that can be so cruel. I do not see him doing any grovelling back to me; he has made a clear decision to move on, for whatever reason, and I know I have to as well.

Cruel? He might not be inherently cruel but yes, it was cruel behavior. Anyway, as you say, he made a decision in a way that forced you to accept a limited number of options. None of which you wanted, but all you can do is make the best of the situation you're forced to accept.

 

Thank you again. And if I do get any more answers I will be sure to tell you!

Oh yes, please do

[Thinker19]

Okay so I have been feeling a lot better about this recently. A lot better. Thank you so much for all your replies, you are amazing! We will get through this haha.

 

Today I found out he and his girlfriend broke up... they weren't even together a month. Rebound? Not trying to sound arrogant on my part, but it looks a hell of a lot like it.

[winniethepooh]

Today I found out he and his girlfriend broke up... they weren't even together a month.

Don't be tempted to contact him. And be very careful how you respond if he contacts you.

[Thinker19]

I doubt he will to be honest. If he does though, I have no idea how to handle it. Will probably have to go look at the "reverse psychology" thread or something, what the posters on there were saying made a lot of sense.