The road is long.....

[jonesyjakk]

The road is long.......

 

 

I haven't posted on here for some time, almost a year now. After a while of posting day after day, and searching for answers, I decided to get away from my computer and try and live a little. I will always remember that cold feeling, I sat on the floor of our living room, I took a look at all the pictures we still had hanging on the wall, and I wrote my farewell letter to my ex.

 

She had made the decision to leave, to call time, without a chance to talk about the things that had gone wrong, and without a chance to repair the damage and problems we were having, she called time and tore my heart out of my chest. "I can't be with you anymore" she said to me the night she ended it. "I can't even be with you for our son".

 

That hurt alot, we had mostly financial issues that put immense strain on us and having an 18 month old son just pushed it over the edge. I begged, with all my heart, to just stay, to work things out, but in her head it was done, and after stripping and reading a heartfelt letter to her, that was that and my world beneath my feet had crumpled and vanished.

 

The level of hurt and pain, the mixed up emotions that followed in the coming months were probably the most horrific feelings I have ever had. I would cry, deep from my guts, powerful sobs with funny noises, my knees wobbled like a boxer that had been hit with a dozen hayemakers, everytime I had to give back our son to her, I lost another piece of my heart. Her unpredictable messages and false flag hopes she kept sending me caused me to even think about ending my own life, simply because the deepening pain was so intense, I saw no other way out.

 

Slowly, for my own sanity, I started to cut all contact with her, got my parents to pick up and drop off my son, which caused her to send me even more aggressive messages, which inturn caused me to cut even more contact with her until eventually the only contact with her was if there was an emergency. I was a broken man and saw no way to fix anything.

 

After almost 9 years of living together, an engagement and a child, I was now living in a different city, with my parents and searching for a new job. My life had changed massively and was out of my control, hers.....remained the same but for a change of address and after weeks of being split up.......a new boyfriend.

 

We split, christmas last year, which was a delivery package from hell in itself. This entire year has been a monsterous ball of fire in my chest, an incredible lesson in the cruelty of of love. For it has a strange sense of humour I will never truly inderstand. Next year my son starts school, and I will be moving back there, to her city, and once again have to find a new job, while she will remain in the same life but for minor changes.

 

It will be a year, in a couple of weeks, and the pressure in my chest has remained the same as when we split, for I still love her and miss her an awful lot. In this year she asked to speak to me, after about 5 months od being split, telling me she had things to say, and after 2 hours changed her mind.

 

About 6 weeks ago she asked if we could talk when a mutual friend told her i had met someone. When I phoned her and asked about why she wanted to talk, she replied I want to sort things out for next september, I want to know what we are doing......and after a small argument it came out that she had found out I was seeing someone....but all that was was a few dates, and very quickly ended....I got off the phone after that conversation and couldnt think of any logical reason why she wanted to talk at all......it most certainly wasnt about next september.....i don't know what I'm doing for xmas let alone next year!

 

anyway.......since then she has text me a few times about my son, nothing of any real importance. You know, I've struggled, man I have struggled.......I am picking up my life very very very slowly.....its a long long long drawn out process, I have so many confliciting emotions in my head, don't even know if she is still with her guy or not and I don't really care, my focus is my son.....I am there for him, and I always will be. To some I may sound like an idiot....but truly......my heart and my head have been crushed in one instant blow as I wondered slowly through life, and that blow came from behind.

 

I wish I didn't miss her, I wish I didn't love her still.....after seeing some photos of her tonight by mistake......she looked happy.....we are not friends on facebook, I deleted her straight away and hadn't looked since, but tonight I caught a glimpse of her page on a mutual friends profile and curiosity took over.......I looked to see if there was any photos of her and her fella.....there were none......I noticed she still had many of us still on there......One step at a time, one day at a time......I truly hope this incredible journey can come to an end, that I can be free of my hurt, I can just be again.....live in the moment, not in the passed and not in the future........to all at ENA........good luck in your healing.

 

 

Jonesy

[lozzy1980]

you sound like a mature, open and really genuine man, i think your ex may regret losing you and doesn't sound like she ever fully committed to walking away. but it is not fair for you to be messed around and given false hopes to get them dashed again. you did the right thing in going as far as NC as possible, only in emergencies for the interest of your son.

 

my heart goes out to you, and for all of us still trying to pick up the pieces after a break up. you sound totally focused on your son, and that is fantastic. you see the bigger picture. it has been one year now, that isn't really all that long, just think in another year how much more you will have progressed etc. there might always be a part of you that will always love your ex, but slowly the pain is getting less and less right? and as for facebook and the internet these days, i think it does really set you back in recovery, i know it doesn't help me!

 

i hope the next year for you is a better one i am sure it will be

[ChellyV]

do not worry, you will get to complete healing. just continue what you are doing and make your son your inspiration. this too shall pass. everything will get better - for hope is all we have.