Will this insecurity & jealousy be my demise? :(

[berry01]

Hello all ... To make a very long story short I have been dating a man for 3 years. Much of that time has been rocky due to distance and argument. Lately, we have been fighting like never before and I could not understand why. I was never one to disrespect my significant others need for privacy and so never logged into his email, facebook, phone accounts despite having the password to them. However, the past few months I logged into his online phone records and have been seeing a pattern of 1. him speaking to other women when things get rocky with us 2. him texting with his ex-girlfriend from time to time. I am very honest and have confronted him about this to which he has replied 1. he is entighteled to have female friends and 2. since the ex-gf and him did not end their relationship on bad terms he feels it's okay for them to speak sometimes.

 

Now some background ... the ex-girlfriend told him, our mutual friends, and my boyfriends parents that she will buy them a home if he got back together with her, that she will do anything for them to be together again. It is a know fact that she is in love with him and will go to any extent to speak to him. They have been broken up over 3 years and yet despite his knowing that it kills me that he speaks to her, he continues to do it.

 

 

He says my jealousy will lead us to break up. That my jealousy is ridiculous and that he loves me and only me and will never be with another woman. I don't think it's fair that he speaks to other women ESPECIALLY his ex-girlfriend when he knows it tears my hear apart to know he speaks to her. I don't feel like she is competition to me, but I do feel as though maybe he is keeping her and his "friend" women around as back ups.

 

Please help ... I want to teach him a lesson, show him this behavior is not oaky. I do not speak to my ex-boyfriends, and if I did he probably would be very very upset with me. When I tell him to put himself in my shoes and think about how it would make him feel if I was doing this, he doesn't reply to the question at hand and dismisses me. Please help me, I love this man, but this jealousy and insecurity is slowly killing me and my relationship.

[LDRohnos]

the ex-girlfriend told him, our mutual friends, and my boyfriends parents that she will buy them a home if he got back together with her, that she will do anything for them to be together again.

 

If he leaves because she's "buy him stuff" then good riddance, right? If "stuff" is what is keeping someone around then you're in a relationship for all the wrong reasons anyway.

 

He says my jealousy will lead us to break up. That my jealousy is ridiculous and that he loves me and only me and will never be with another woman. I don't think it's fair that he speaks to other women ESPECIALLY his ex-girlfriend when he knows it tears my hear apart to know he speaks to her. I don't feel like she is competition to me, but I do feel as though maybe he is keeping her and his "friend" women around as back ups.

 

While I feel that I do agree with you that jealously is a relationship monster that will tear it's heart out from the inside...has your boyfriend taken any accountability for these calls? He knows you don't approve of him talking to his ex-girlfriend, yet he does it anyway? I'm probably a rare bird in that when someone has a problem with something I'm DOING (not who I am) I take accountability for it and just don't throw the old "You don't like it? Too bad." line.

 

While I do think that you could be over reacting here (and there are ways to help yourself) the face he dismisses how you feel about it isn't right either. I think he's being selfish and not taking accountability for his own actions. He's dismissing them as if it's YOUR problem. That I do not agree with.

 

Next time you talk to him about these things I would make it *VERY CLEAR* that you need to be able to trust him. That means two things..

 

1) Find ways to improve yourself to "care" less. Not in so much a way that is malicious but in a way that your confidence and self-esteem is built up to the point where you know he isn't going to leave you and if he does? His loss. It does seem like you lack in self-esteem and you're allowing him to bring you down farther. Fight this by being active yourself and taking pride in yourself.

 

2) Stand up for yourself. You feel his contact with his ex is wrong. If he so readily dismisses your feelings then how exactly will this ever change unless you SHOW him that you won't stand for it? Show some backbone and he'll respect you more for it. Sometimes it becomes easy to let someone you love walk all over you, don't allow it.

[berry01]

LD - that was so well said. His reaction is usually "you know nothing is going on with us and I've proved it to you time and time again so if you don't like it too bad. He says she never did anything wrong to him and their relationship didn't end on bad terms and even though she says how much she adores him and would do/buy (lol) anything for him it's in his control and he shares non of those feelings with her. In fact, I spoke to him regarding this today and this was his reply ... he says - "I am tired of proving myself over and over to you. I have been proving my honesty and faithfulness to you for over a year and I'm tired of having to do it every single time. I was not speaking to her about you or about anything romantic in anyway, something happened with a mutual friend of ours and I wanted to get her side of the story. I have nothing romantic going on with any women except for you, I've never cheated on you, would never cheat on you and have proved this to you time and time again. Every single time I prove myself to you, you see that I am genuine and I am in love with you and would never hurt you, yet you continue to accuse me of cheating and lying"

 

The reason I continue to accuse him is because he promises me he won't speak to these women and then he begins the behavior again. It's like a never-ending cycle which I have no idea how to stop!

 

You are totally correct when you say sometimes it becomes easy to let someone you love walk all over you. I really feel that's happened to me, unfortunately ... I've noticed it tends to happen towards the end of my relationships and has happened in the past. I guess I let them get away with everything easily when I start to love. The question I have for you is what exactly do you mean when you say SHOW him that I won't stand for it. Of course I have a backbone and he knows it, but I feel like my only option is saying either HER or ME ... and I don't do this because I know it won't work with him. I'm afraid this cycle will keep going and it'll never end. How would you SHOW him? Ugh ... so confused

[LDRohnos]

I am tired of proving myself over and over to you. I have been proving my honesty and faithfulness to you for over a year and I'm tired of having to do it every single time. I was not speaking to her about you or about anything romantic in anyway, something happened with a mutual friend of ours and I wanted to get her side of the story. I have nothing romantic going on with any women except for you, I've never cheated on you, would never cheat on you and have proved this to you time and time again. Every single time I prove myself to you, you see that I am genuine and I am in love with you and would never hurt you, yet you continue to accuse me of cheating and lying"

 

Well as you can see here...these are all words. Air passing out of the body.

 

The reason I continue to accuse him is because he promises me he won't speak to these women and then he begins the behavior again.

 

This is action. Indisputable and absolutely clear. If he's said in the past he'll stop calling her or talking to her then after awhile he does it anyway, his true words came through loud and clear. He has no intention of ceasing contact for your sake or the sake of your relationship with him.

 

I don't know the context of "speak to these women" because if you're having a problem with him talking to ANY women then that changes the light on things entirely. His ex I would understand though, especially due to what she said.

 

Has he explicitly told you he would stop talking to her? Then turned around and did it anyway?

[berry01]

It's mostly the ex that bothers me, I have no problem with him speaking to women who I know are his friends. That is completely fine, but when he speaks to a woman who is his ex gf, who clearly says she wants to be with him, buy him a home, and love him I am NOT okay with this. He says he will stop, he stops for a few weeks, 1 month, 2 months and then she tends to pop up by sending a text message to him which he answers because he doesn't feel theres any harm in doing so.

 

On my end, I feel like she knows that things are sort of rocky between us so she continues to probe him, text him, shower him with message of love in hopes that we will break up and he can fall right into her arms. He doesn't see it this way but any woman would probably see it my way. I told him to block her phone number and email and he says it would be bad karma to block her when she didn't do anything to deserve it. All of this just kills me! I want this woman out of my life, out of my relationship, and the only way for it to happen is for him to take a stance and choose his current relationship or his phone rendezvous with the ex. I can't control him and I can't give him an ultimatum so I have no clue where this leaves me. Yes, he has explicility said that he would stop and he does stop for a while, then things may get rough with us or something comes up that ruffles his feathers and he will answer her text messages again! It's ridiculous! I can't seem to get myself out of this downward spiral.

[LDRohnos]

All of this just kills me! I want this woman out of my life, out of my relationship, and the only way for it to happen is for him to take a stance and choose his current relationship or his phone rendezvous with the ex.

 

You pretty much said it all right there. You've apparently made your stance on this very clear to him and he's not listening to you. He's being disrespectful of you.

 

You can't keep tapping him on the shoulder and telling him, "Excuse me could you please stop disrespecting my feelings and wishes?". You need to slam him on the side of the head. Yes, he's using her as a back up plan. He loves that she contacts him, his ego feeds off of it. He may not be doing it consciously but people love knowing that they have options. Unfortunately this also means that he's not fully committed to your relationship.

 

You should never give someone an ultimatum. On the other hand you've made your feelings very clear to him and he's made it very clear to you that he's going to ignore them. You need to make a stand up decision right now on how you get out of this cycle. You cannot make him do anything, the only person you have control over is yourself.

 

I would contemplate if this downward spiral has only one way out or not. I think it does.

[berry01]

By one way out you mean walking out on my part? I guess if I don't do anything about it, he will just continue the behavior. He even said to me yesterday, "she will never stop trying to infiltrate my life, probably even when I am married" 3 years later and this woman is still disgustingly desperate, it's really ridiculous and I feel like I don't want to give up on all the blood sweat and tears I've put into this relationship. I do love him and know that feeling is reciprocated but I'm really not sure how long I can deal with this for ...

[LDRohnos]

Then tell him he needs to cut all contact with her. No matter how many times she tries to text him or throw herself at him. It's not healthy that he allows her to stay in his life (for either of them) and it's also not healthy for your relationship. He needs to tell this woman to back off and apparently he isn't or doesn't even want to.

[berry01]

After I sat my boyfriend down to express my concerns to him and lay out the turns in a clear manner, he expressed to me that he feels I've become controlling and "psychotic" as he put it because of my trust issues with him. So the deal was he promised to speak to her and I wouldn't be controlling.

 

My controlling behavior obviously stems from him speaking to his ex and when she's out of the picture I let my controlling guard down and trust him. I'm sad to say this only lasted about 36 hours. He just called me saying he was stopping by a friends house, we spoke while he was driving then all of the sudden I head this odd background music (not radio) and he said to me abruptly that he had to go, so I replied asking "oh you got to your friends now your got to go?" and he said yep, just got hear, and hung up the phone. I knew it wasn't his friends house with background music so I called him back several times and sent several text's asking where he was and why he lied to me.

 

He calls me back in 10 minutes yelling his head off about how I broke my promise, how he feels I can't be normal for more than 24 hours and that he was at the pharmacy. Perhaps he WAS at the pharmacy trust is not the issue here, I do believe he went to his friends house but what I can't understand is why he couldn't just tell me hey i'm at the pharmacy i'll call you back in a few. It just makes absolutely no sense to me, is this a quality ingrained in all men? To just be difficult? He texted me saying "please don't call me, you can't keep your promise for more than 24 hours, your crazy, i'm done with this".

 

He's making me feel like I was the one who did something wrong. However, my reaction was just in response to his action so what am I supposed to do with this guy whose gone all crazy on me but I still love him??

 

I've realized that my reactions are usually totally proportional to his actions. Like I've said before, he tends to turn the blame on me no matter who is at fault and I find myself apologizing alot of the time when I truly don't find it necessary, I guess I do it to appease the situation.

 

I sort of feel like breaking up isn't an option for me but I'm not sure how to salvage the whole thing. Maybe just backing off and exuding the I don't care about anything you do and nothing bothers me attitude, as long as he is faithful, not speaking to the ex. I have no idea which tactic would work with him. Actually, sadly enough, I have no idea how these problems came afloat in the first place.

[Iggles]

Sorry to hear that OP

 

I don't have any advice for you. From my outside perspective, it seems like there isn't much to save. You may want to google the term "gaslighting". It sounds like what's going on here. Your suspicions sound absolutely valid and he's dismissing and discrediting you at every turn. You're not crazy. He sounds like a manipulative person who wants his cake, and to eat it too.

[berry01]

He definitely wants his cake and to eat it too. The reason I stay in the relationship is because I know how good it once was and how much potential it has. I don't know what sparked this behavior in him but I'm sort of determined to change it. I just looked up gaslighting, struck very close to home, unfortunately. I came accross the following, "is it possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you might be at fault, that you can't identify the dynamic?" That's exactly what has happened to me, I just don't know how in the world to end this viscous, torturous cycle without losing the relationship.

[LDRohnos]

I think the only way to end this vicious torturous cycle is to be very open to the relationship ending if it doesn't stop. Anything less and he's going to know you aren't genuine.

[Jeetsun]

The gaslighting that Iggles brought up seems to be pretty spot on in regards to dismissing your valid concerns entirely, pushing the blame completely on you. I had an ex who was very good at gaslighting, she was NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and had lots of practice at it. I wish gaslighting on no one, it's very insidious, mentally anguishing and causes you to question your reality and perceptions constantly. As LD has suggested, there is no salvaging this relationship when he chooses not to communicate and take any of your concerns into consideration. Should you choose to hang on, I fear you'll compromise your ideals, your self, and your sanity.

[berry01]

I keep asking him what I can do to make things better and he's just not giving me a good response besides saying that I am annoying him and to leave him alone, this is driving me into the ground!!

[Iggles]

I agree with Jeetsun and LDRohnos.

 

I know you'd like him to change his behavior, but he has to be willing to. It's toxic dynamic between you two, and the only thing you have control over in this equation is yourself and your actions. Let him know if this twisted cycle of minimizing/dismissing your concerns doesn't stop, then you're prepared to walk away -- and really be prepared to cut ties.

 

Ending a relationship with someone you care about hurts like hell, but ask yourself -- do you really want to stay with someone who makes you question yourself and is making no effort to hear you out?