uglywitch Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Yeah, I'm assuming you read the title. Can it turn healthy and is it worth staying with someone who is? I just realized I'm in a abusive relationship after reading a few articles on it. And I'm the abuser. Please hear (or rather read) me out first: I have never been so insecure and jealous in a relationship before. In fact, this is the first time for me. It's gotten to the point where I realized what an ugly person I'm turning into and I blamed my partner for it since I think (and still do) that it's his fault I'm so jealous and insecure in the relationship. Yes, everyone flirts and I understand it is okay as long as nothing happens, however, this is my first time dating a huge flirt and it set me on edge and I would become extremely uncomfortable and get into this negative attitude anytime he flirted with someone in front of me. Eventually, over time he stopped doing it in front of me after having several discussions. But my insecurity didn't stop there. Any woman he talked to that I perceived as a threat, I would instantly get jealous and suspicious and I would go through his phone and internet history. And I would find nothing. But I became obsessed with checking his messages and he is aware that I do check it. I have even called him and his female friends who I think are flirting with him (behind their backs) numerous awful names. I've even asked him to stop being friends with one of his female friends who has kissed him in the past. In fact, any female friend who had or has an interest in flirting/dating him, I've asked him to cut them out of his life. I haven't asked him for this but he does tell me where he is going and with whom so that I don't panic about where he is. I will admit, it is nice to know where he is at times since I'm extremely paranoid he will cheat on me, but I don't call him to make sure he's where he says he is. He's been with someone extremely jealous and possessive before me. I keep asking him if he wants to leave me too, and he keeps saying that he hopes I change and that he's still in love with me and he doesn't want to go anywhere. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking, he will want to leave eventually since I am too insecure, jealous and abusive. I also started panicking about the damage I've done to him because of this. I keep thinking, the best thing is to leave. Why stay with someone I can't trust? Why stay with someone I am abusing? I didn't realize it until then when I had a conversation with a mutual friend about it, that I only see my boyfriend as a possession rather than someone I love. I only see him as a possession since I am terrified of trusting him and there is a lot of anger and blame surrounding it. I keep thinking, if only he wasn't such a womanizer to begin with, I wouldn't be like this! And I can feel it eating me up. But I know ultimately it's my fault for the way I am and how I let it get to me. In fact, that friend even called me childish over it and told me insecurity isn't even a real reason to leave someone over. A part of me does want to stay and I do want to change. I'm just terrified of trusting him even though I know he's changed. He's stopped being such a huge flirt with other women and he's even stopped hugging his female friends altogether and stopped letting them trying to touch him! I know it's no excuse to be abusive. I want to trust so that I can love and care for him better. So that I can feel more sane and alive. So that I can stop worrying if he will cheat or go back to being a womanizer. I've asked him if he was open to counseling and he said he would look into it but never did. Why? Because any time things start going well, he assumes it will remain that way. And it only does because I keep silent about my insecurities and jealousies until I blow up about it. I want to see a therapist for the jealousy and abusive behavior but I can't afford it. I've just been reading a lot of articles online. Do you think it's time to move on? Or should I work harder at changing and making this a healthier relationship? I don't want to hurt him anymore but I'm also terrified of trusting him. And what's even more terrifying is not knowing who he's talking to and what their talking about and if their flirting, etc etc. Link to comment
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