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Help! I'm the abuser in the relationship and want to change!


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Yeah, I'm assuming you read the title. Can it turn healthy and is it worth staying with someone who is?

I just realized I'm in a abusive relationship after reading a few articles on it. And I'm the abuser.


Please hear (or rather read) me out first:


I have never been so insecure and jealous in a relationship before. In fact, this is the first time for me.

It's gotten to the point where I realized what an ugly person I'm turning into and I blamed my partner for it

since I think (and still do) that it's his fault I'm so jealous and insecure in the relationship.


Yes, everyone flirts and I understand it is okay as long as nothing happens, however, this is my first time

dating a huge flirt and it set me on edge and I would become extremely uncomfortable and get into this negative

attitude anytime he flirted with someone in front of me. Eventually, over time he stopped doing it in front of me

after having several discussions. But my insecurity didn't stop there.


Any woman he talked to that I perceived as a threat, I would instantly get jealous and suspicious and I would go

through his phone and internet history. And I would find nothing. But I became obsessed with checking his messages

and he is aware that I do check it. I have even called him and his female friends who I think are flirting with him (behind their backs)

numerous awful names. I've even asked him to stop being friends with one of his female friends who has kissed him in the past.

In fact, any female friend who had or has an interest in flirting/dating him, I've asked him to cut them out of his life.

I haven't asked him for this but he does tell me where he is going and with whom so that I don't panic about where he is.

I will admit, it is nice to know where he is at times since I'm extremely paranoid he will cheat on me, but I don't call him to

make sure he's where he says he is.


He's been with someone extremely jealous and possessive before me. I keep asking him if he wants to leave me too,

and he keeps saying that he hopes I change and that he's still in love with me and he doesn't want to go anywhere.

But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking, he will want to leave eventually since I am too insecure, jealous and abusive.


I also started panicking about the damage I've done to him because of this.

I keep thinking, the best thing is to leave. Why stay with someone I can't trust? Why stay with someone I am abusing?

I didn't realize it until then when I had a conversation with a mutual friend about it, that I only see my boyfriend as

a possession rather than someone I love. I only see him as a possession since I am terrified of trusting him and there is

a lot of anger and blame surrounding it. I keep thinking, if only he wasn't such a womanizer to begin with, I wouldn't be like this!

And I can feel it eating me up. But I know ultimately it's my fault for the way I am and how I let it get to me. In fact, that

friend even called me childish over it and told me insecurity isn't even a real reason to leave someone over.


A part of me does want to stay and I do want to change. I'm just terrified of trusting him even though I know he's changed.

He's stopped being such a huge flirt with other women and he's even stopped hugging his female friends altogether and stopped

letting them trying to touch him!


I know it's no excuse to be abusive. I want to trust so that I can love and care for him better. So that I can feel

more sane and alive. So that I can stop worrying if he will cheat or go back to being a womanizer.


I've asked him if he was open to counseling and he said he would look into it but never did. Why? Because any time things start going well,

he assumes it will remain that way. And it only does because I keep silent about my insecurities and jealousies until I blow up about it.

I want to see a therapist for the jealousy and abusive behavior but I can't afford it. I've just been reading a lot of articles online.


Do you think it's time to move on? Or should I work harder at changing and making this a healthier relationship? I don't want to hurt him anymore

but I'm also terrified of trusting him. And what's even more terrifying is not knowing who he's talking to and what their talking about and if their

flirting, etc etc.

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I know it's detrimental if I don't change...it's just scary!!


I don't know if he's cheated...but there were missing condoms when one of his female friends spent the night at his apartment before and the only time he's ever said

her name (or anyone else's name for that matter) in bed is during the time she spent the night there.

I also get upset if he says nice romantic things to other women that he's said to me before...like asking how is their beautiful day going and such.

I've told him that I don't think it's right he's saying that to other women and his reply is:

"Well it means nothing with them! But when I say it to you, I mean it in the romantic sense"


I feel like an ugly, jealous, abusive monster who can't stop going through her boyfriend's stuff!


I wish that other women would just stop wanting him altogether! So that I wouldn't have to feel so jealous and insecure anymore.

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I think you're being too hard on yourself. It is inexcusable for a someone to flirt with someelse while their significant other is right there. No wonder you're jelous and insecure. It is great though that you recongnize your behaivour as being destructive and that he was so ready to do what he needs to do to make you happy. I know what it's like being with a man who used to be a womanizer and if they're honest with you and admit it to you up front I wonder two things. 1. Wow that's great he's being so honest... and 2. Why is he being so honest about this? What is he trying to gain out of this? How many women would want to hear that their man has had a lot of partners. Admitting you're a womanizer opens you up to having a relationship with someone who will inevitably be jelous. It's something you need to work on together. He has partially created this situation by admitting he was a womanizer and flirting with other women infront of you, but if he's willing to make these changes to make you feel more secure then you need to start trusting him more. Trust is very fragile and he craked it the moment he flirted with someone else infront of you. It takes a long time to get it back even if it has never been completely broken.

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Honestly, your relationship is doomed. I know that's blunt, I'm sorry, but I've been in your exact situation before. I was you. My ex was the biggest flirt ever and always made me feel SO insecure. I was in a 5 year relationship before him and was NEVER jealous or insecure - he honestly just brought all of those bad qualities out of me. Now he and I have been broken up for some time, and I'm in a relationship with an amazing guy now and I'm not jealous or insecure AT ALL.


I promise you, those feelings will never go away until you're with someone new... someone that you can actually trust.

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Thank you for the replies!

Smile12, I really appreciate what you posted...it gives me hope for myself. I was telling him that his behavior is a part of the problem and his reply

is that if I don't get my jealousy under control then it will just carry on to the next relationship I'm in!!! I was starting to believe that until I read what you posted...

I think you are right, the jealousy and insecurities will end once I break up with him and get over him. Even if he did change his womanizing ways, I doubt I would

trust him since the damage is already done and I don't forgive easily.

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