I'm needy/emotional, he's distant, finding middle ground? long, sorry...

[Snaffles]

Eric and I have known eachother for a few years but have been dating for about 7 months. Things were fine until a month or so ago. We are both mid 20's, currently living together. Probably too fast, but hindsight's 20/20.

 

From the get go, every now and then Eric would cancel our dates to do things with his friends. His best friend has on call scheduling so his days on/off are sometimes unpredictable. I understand that. But after a few missed dates, I asked Eric to just commit to one day a week so I wasn't so disappointed with the on/off thing.

 

Last night things got pretty ugly, it was date night and he texted me at work to tell me he couldn't wait to see me and watch a movie with me. I was happy leaving work and when I got home he had a friend there and they were watching a movie. I asked him what time he wanted to leave and he said 7 or so. A few minutes later his friend called and asked him to go to a party with him. I'm always invited, they always ask me, but I usually don't go. Eric said he wanted to go but that it was date night and he was going see a movie. His friend asked if he could go. Eric told him he would call him after the movie. About a half an hour later his friend called again and Eric said he would call him back. Eric told me he didn't want to go to the movie and he wanted to go to the party instead, he would reschedule. I was upset, Eric had been with his friends all week (one crashed on the couch from Sat night until Thursday, so it wasn't like we had any alone time then either). He asked if I was mad and I said I was hurt instead and told him to do whatever he felt he needed to do and I made arraingements to meet a friend. Eric's car has been in the shop for the last two months so he asked me after I was getting ready to leave if I would give him a ride to the party. I told him no. That I wasn't going to be his taxi after he hurt my feelings and ditched me, again.

 

It blew up into a huge argument about me having "too many feelings" and him not spending enough time with me. I was really upset, cried, and spent the night at a relatives house. We both said some hurtful things to eachother but I just don't know what to do about this recurring conflict.

 

He is currently laid off so he spends about 80% of his time with his friends. He will spend multiple nights in a row at their homes, all 'bachelors' and they will then spend time at ours. I'm not implying that he is unfaithful or anything of the sort. I know he's not. Its not a doubt in my mind. I just can't understand why sleeping in the same bed is enough time with me when I apparently need so much more? Why does he spend so much time with his friends and I'm the needy one? I'm working 46 hours a week, it's not like I'm there all the time. I was asking for 2 hours a week, not 23.5 hours a day. He said that he's sick of hearing about me and my emotions and how I want him to spend time with me. That hurt even more and I don't know if we can go back. When he is around, he is usually sweet and considerate, until he feels like I've cornered him over the friends issue and then he shuts down and I don't exist. Last night as we were arguing (quietly) he turned on his ps3 and played a video game. He told me he I was giving him a headache and he didn't want to speak to me any longer.

 

I left and spent the night at my grandmothers. I told him as I was going that I wasn't coming back that night and that I was staying with her. I told him I loved him and he said nothing. He texted me an i love you later and then this morning told me he was speniding the night at a friends.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. Am I being unreasonable? It doesn't make sense to be with someone who can't commit 2 hours a week to you. He has a lot of personal issues going on and seems to think that means he can stop living and just party the next 3 weeks away (he has a legal obligation he failed to meet so he will be going to jail for a month or two). I get that he's stressed I just feel unimportant and like a doormat. There I go, feeling again.

 

I just don't know how to get to a point of compromise if he just shuts down whenever I am upset over it. I don't yell, or name call or anything like that. Blah, any advice appreciated, please be somewhat kind, I'm pretty down and I could use some tactful, constructive ideas. Thanks for reading.

[DylanNotorious]

I think you need a break from the situation. Who's paying the rent for both of you to live together? Either way it dosn't matter he's spending all his free time with his mates anyhow. Maybe he should go live with one of them, then they can look after him instead of you. Maybe he's using you, maybe he's not. Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn't. But you need to get some space and work out if this relationship is worth it, because from the sounds of it, it's not!

[Snaffles]

Thanks. I was thinking the same thing. I don't want to spend months waiting around for him to want to be with me. I deserve a relationship where someone enjoys my company. I don't want to be a chore to him but it is tough. I do have feelings for him and it would be hard to think they aren't mutual. We did go grocery shopping one night this week, alone, and he brought that up mid argument and said that he thought that was fun and we had a good time, why couldn't I be happy to postpone date night? I asked him when I ever let him down and asked him how he would feel if he were in my shoes. He never responded to that.

 

He pays his own bills still. I believe he is borrowing it from his father or it is part of his reserve. Either way he doesn't rely on me to pick up his financial slack so to speak.

[DN]

I think he was totally out of line - and since this is repeat behaviour I am surprised you haven't already dumped him.

[ToF]

Right now, you are the only one putting any effort toward keeping your relationship afloat. I would tell him he needs to find another place to stay until he either decides to grow up and have an adult relationship ... Or you decide to break things off.

 

You are NOT being unreasonable. At all.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should move out. I'm not really sure how living together helps young couples, honestly. I suspect he may be feeling like he "sees you" so he doesn't need more time with you. I would not be surprised if things perked up if you lived apart.