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First he avoids, then calls, then he disappears? (Dumper's opinion appreciated)

Samatha

By Samatha
in Getting Back Together

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Samatha Apprentice

Samatha

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Posted

Hi!

So I posted long time ago my story. But I can't find the thread, so opening this new one. I want to keep it as short as possible, if you wan't to know details just ask though, but I will just point out the most important things.

I post now mainly because after so much time, I was feeling so much better, and after recent updates I've started to feel a bit pensive again. So here I go:

 

-together for 8 years, in between he BU with me for 1 year, rebound. He after aks me to be with him again. In this time we still maintain lots of contact.

-he doesn't feel love from me anymore, we quarrel a lot about stupid things, I feel jealous about nothing, he feels my anxiety and stress (I was sick, gained lot of weight, had problems at work, studies.. my parents didn't feel good about him because he's almost 10 years older than me).

-He BU with me again, this time he's really furious, states he doesn't want to know never again anything from me, just the minimum to give us back our stuff, that he would never ever again start anything with me and so on...

-BU was almost 11 months ago.

-In the beginning I made usual mistakes: begging, pleading... nothing helped but to make him run faster away..

-We both went very fast NC, he because he didn't want to know really nothing from me ("I feel better without you"), me because it was the best to start healing, and respect his decision. It was easy for me since I started to fear his reactions each time I reached out for him.

-In between following happened: I saw him sometimes out with a girl, people told me he was often away doing things.

 

-I never initiated contact, but he did: 3 months later, to see us and give us back our things; then he wrote to wish good easter; then he called me to ask sorry because he remembered being harsh with me in the beginning, stating that he shouldn't have said things in this manner; in the middle he started a chat sessions just asking for info hw everything was (I just said everything fine and closed); then in the summer he called a few times on the cell (I ignored) and then on the chat he was friendly and joking, invited me to have sex with him (I declined); in the beginning of the autumn he called again on the cell and I ignored.

 

-Then it's me who started communication, two times:1. I sent him a 'happy B.' message on the cell few ago, he replied 'Thanks so much for your message, Sam'; 2. I sent mail asking what he rang me for on the cell.

He responded, that I don't have to answer if I don't want, but it has passed a lot since he last talked to me, he wanted to know how I was doing. I replied saying everything is fine, said I changed work, and all is fine (this first messages were rather cold). He then replied, putting smilies in between, saying he was happy for me, that he was doing fine too, that he lost weight and gained muscle, and he asked me for my job. I replied were I was working and that's it.. this was 1 week ago, he didn't replied anymore.

 

So turning point: I don't know if he's with another girl.. of course it would be great being back again together, but I think it won't happen, and since long I'm not forcing anything anymore, not hoping anymore for anything. I don't know if I should continuing ignoring him.. of course I feel curious why he asked me and then doesn't reply... it's not like him.

It's funny how he is 'cold' in the beginning of the messagging, but then turns 'happy' putting 'xD, in between...

 

Id' love to read opinions.

Oh and please, I'm getting over.. I'm just being logical that you can't put your heart aside in 10 months after a relationship lasted 8 years.

So yeah, 10 months have already passed.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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He has broken up with you countless times...and you want him back?? I would let this one go. He didn't put his heard aside on an 8 year relationship - because it really wasn't 8 years if you are considering breaks. I think the break ups made it easier for him to get used to the idea of not having you around. If he wants you back, I wouldn't take him back. He is having his cake and eating too constantly.

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happymeboy Rookie

happymeboy

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if you base it on interest level then most likely he is either not interested in pursuing anything with you or his interest is focused on someone else.thats the basic logic, otherwise he would have let you know by now.personally i think you should let go and start looking for your happiness somewhere else.

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Samatha Apprentice

Samatha

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ehm we broke up just ONCE (well twice now) but not 'many times'... we had just one break up of 8 months... and this. fullstop.

 

well I read somewhere, IF I was to maybe start again something with him, approaching was perfect in 10-month, etc difference, because waters are cooled and a new relation can start..

 

BTW I forgot to add something: in one last chat, he said 'Oh, and the girl you saw me once, she's only a friend, don't think anything strange'...

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happymeboy Rookie

happymeboy

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'Oh, and the girl you saw me once, she's only a friend, don't think anything strange'...

here is where all red flags should be raised.I mean.. come on!!! Im a guy and i know what i am talking about.True,not all guys are the same but this sentence is in our book I keep getting amazed how easily we can be manipulated by our loves/interests that even when we see it with our own eyes it creates conflict inside our brains blurring all logic and rationalization of reality, you cant or wont accept it and let your heart/emotions cover it with some...self illusion??

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Rotterdam Newbie

Rotterdam

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Wise, wise, wise

 

'oh, and the girl you saw me once, she's only a friend, don't think anything strange'...

here is where all red flags should be raised.i mean.. come on!!! Im a guy and i know what i am talking about.true,not all guys are the same but this sentence is in our book i keep getting amazed how easily we can be manipulated by our loves/interests that even when we see it with our own eyes it creates conflict inside our brains blurring all logic and rationalization of reality, you cant or wont accept it and let your heart/emotions cover it with some...self illusion??

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Samatha Apprentice

Samatha

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Ehm sorry, but I don't et why do you mean by it? Are you referring to him or to me?

I NEVER asked him once anything about his new life, he came up with this by himself, like 'are you going out with someone?'

and I was 'I thought you are not interested in this matter' and then he came with 'well, btw, the girl you saw me....' etc..

I just replied changing the subject, not being interested..

 

but I don't get what you mean with it. :S

 

(and then again, this came up the second time he contacted me, after asking me to have sex with him.. but this last time, he didn't say anything about girls or how my emotional situation is, etc.. I don't even know if he's with someone right now...)

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Rotterdam Newbie

Rotterdam

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I would stick with this -

if you base it on interest level then most likely he is either not interested in pursuing anything with you or his interest is focused on someone else.thats the basic logic, otherwise he would have let you know by now.personally i think you should let go and start looking for your happiness somewhere else.

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John3572 Newbie

John3572

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You're this guy's second choice. Don't be anyone second choice. He keeps breaking up with you and getting back together because he's attached to you. When long term relationships end two people have grown together in a way. Even though you don't have feelings for the person that you once did, its easy to be with them so you do.

 

You should not go back to this guy under any circumstances. He will only continue hurting you.

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Samatha Apprentice

Samatha

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in 8 years, we had just a tiny breakup in the middle, and now this.

he doesn't 'keep up' breaking up with me.. this was the second time... (being concise, it was mutual in the beginning...)

but I get what you say.

 

 

I don't think it's an error though, to think I would still like to share time with him... we had very good time together.

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EgoJoe Apprentice

EgoJoe

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I don't think it's a good idea to continue contact like you have been. That being said, people can always learn, grow and change. Don't listen to the "under any circumstances" bit but definitely erect, enforce and guard your boundaries. You'll be more attractive to the opposite sex in general. Also, you would probably do well to shoot down his BS so that he knows it won't fly with you and he'll either stop or make a fool of himself.

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