locolady Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Hi all, Just feeling lonely tonight and thought i'd reach out and say hello to anyone in the same boat. I've been single for 4 years now and I still feel so alone. I wonder if that will ever go away now that i'll never fully believe someone will stay again? I have friends and know i'm lucky there. I've just moved abroad so I guess that is making it worse but over the last years, with no-one to love and no-one loving me, i've felt a huge hole in my life that has never patched up. Even the very best friends cannot fill the void of a lover. All my friends have relationships, are married, kids on the way even and I know they just don't understand. I'm scared they're all drifiting away as their lives move on while i'm stuck becoming like some sad cousin or a little sister. I yearn so much for love - i've got so much to give and I long for my chance. It gets so hard as more and more friends get engaged, get married, settle down and life moves on. I left London partly to get away from it, partly because then i'm focusing on something else but I can't help sometimes but envy the lives they have - so secure - and fear what the hell is going to happen to mine. Anyway, anyone else like me? Anyone got any advice for me? Thanks Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I do not know how to put this but when u are in the state that u are in now then u actually repel and not attract. U have got to detach from the outcome and then things will start to happen for you. I am lonely too but my break up is recent and with time I shall overcome this place Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Hey... We all have those moments where we feel cast aside and alone. It doesn't matter how many people surround us! I'm the same with regards to having all my friends married off with kids etc, and much as I really am happy for them, it doesn't do much for my inner calm when all they can talk about is weddings and babies etc. lol. But you've had the guts/opportunity to move to a different country. How long have you been there? In a new polace its more important than ever that you put youself out there in social situations/groups etc and meet new friends, probably people just like you and I, and let life take you where it will! Nobody knows whats just around the corner! And now I need to follow my own advice haha Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I have been single most of my life. I was married briefly but he was abusive so I left him. I have had a few long term relationships, but I have never wanted to settle down again. I am a happy single woman, I guess. My wonderful bf of 12 years died last April and I have been more than happy to be single again. It's not that bad. You get to do what you want to do when you want to do it. That's nice. No one puts you down or argues with you, another nice thing. I love myself in a very healthy way, so I don't feel particularly lonely or wanting a bf right now. I may still be in mourning, but I don't feel the need to be coupled now or in the future. All of my married friends envy me and one is thinking of leaving her husband in Alaska (the marriage has been dead for years) and moving back to L.A. so we can be single together. It's all in your attitude. I make being single rock! Seriously, it IS all in your attitude. There are wonderful things about being in a relationship and awful things about it. The same is true about being singel. It's up to you to decide how you feel, not someone else. Link to comment
John3572 Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Yeah, I've been there and it sucks. Now that I'm in my early 30s, my friends too are getting married and moving away and preoccuppied. It's ironic that the same friends that are so busy when they're in a relationship are suddenly so available when it goes south and what to make plans with me. They actually expect their old single friends to be readily available. That's not how that works, at least for me. You need to find groups that you're interested in and meeting more single people. That could possibly lead to meeting someone you like, vice versa. The other thing is don't get set on meeting someone. You should be comfortable with yourself before you start a relationship. No one is looking for someone that's needy. Keep your spirits up. Being single for four years isn't horrible. Link to comment
LazyDaisy Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I could be wrong, but I think being single at age 27 is much different than when you are 55. When you are 27 you have so many things in mind that depend on finding a partner - having kids, a home, etc. I don't think it is that easy to just be happy being single at 27 when you have all that riding on finding a partner. Its so hard when you see all your friends pairing off and having families. At 55 you are more likely to have friends that are divorcing and kids going off to college. Link to comment
LazyDaisy Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 4 years is a long time to be single. Could part of it be your standards? Are you setting them too high? Are you not going out with guys because they don't meet all your wants? Are you too picky? Link to comment
locolady Posted November 11, 2011 Author Share Posted November 11, 2011 Yes, I think they're both bit thingd that frighten me...I want to have kids and a home, and be settled. However, i can't do that alone! I've been abroad for two months and am doing well, making friends etc, i'm pretty sociable. A big worry though is how/when I can go home! I want my life to move on to the next stage - i've been just having fun and going out a lot for a long time now! I feel ready to buy a house, stay in a bit more, have nice weekends away etc...which I need a partner for...my friends and I used to go away for holidays/weekends together all the time when people were single - we had an awesome mixed sex group of friends who hung out together all the time but that has tailed off now. So, I moved abroad and am anjoying it - learning a new language etc. However, I don;t want to move back to London I don't think after this...but without a partner to build a life with, where do I go home to?! I'm worried i'll get stuck here now! Nothing to go home for - I miss my friends but I miss how it was. I don't think anyone misses me. Everyone's so busy which is understandable. I just don;t know what to do! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I could be wrong, but I think being single at age 27 is much different than when you are 55. When you are 27 you have so many things in mind that depend on finding a partner - having kids, a home, etc. I don't think it is that easy to just be happy being single at 27 when you have all that riding on finding a partner. Its so hard when you see all your friends pairing off and having families. At 55 you are more likely to have friends that are divorcing and kids going off to college. I was single then, too, and LOVED it. I've always been this way. It hasn't come with age, believe me. The only reason I got married was because I was pregnant. I don't want to live with someone, I don't want to marry someone. Enjoying your own company and just loving life without any attachments can be wonderful! I have nothing against relationships as long as they don't lead to cohabitation. Link to comment
LazyDaisy Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I was single then, too, and LOVED it. I've always been this way. It hasn't come with age, believe me. The only reason I got married was because I was pregnant. I don't want to live with someone, I don't want to marry someone. Enjoying your own company and just loving life without any attachments can be wonderful! I have nothing against relationships as long as they don't lead to cohabitation. I feel that way now at 43, but didn't at 27. When I was in my 20' and even 30's, I felt as thought my life hadn't started yet. I felt that I needed a partner and a family for my house to be a home. I always felt like I was waiting for something, that I was in limbo - much like locolady. It was only after I had a child that I felt whole. So I definitely understand where she is coming from. All I can say is go to wherever you want to live and life your life the way you would want minus the partner - don't wait for the partner to get started. The partner will come. Link to comment
luminousone Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I happen to be 55 and yes it is different from my perspective - I have kids and have been blessed with things that were always my goal since I was in my 20's. However, happiness comes from looking at what is right with our lives, rather than what is wrong... When I was 25 I had a mini crisis on my birthday - I had some internal goals on where I thought I should be by that age - and they had not yet happened. I felt so low and so lonely... Eventually I realized that all of that unhappiness was self-imposed. Once I realized that, I went through some very vibrant years, full of joy and fun and found myself surrounded by amazing people! I vowed never to do that to myself again, and for the most part I have not. Now at 55, sure now that I am single after a 20+ year marriage, it could get lonely but I continue to focus on the positives in my life and I trust that the rest will come when it is the right time. I agree with the other poster that if you give off an air of desperation then you will chase people off - or worse, you will attract someone with the same desperation! (Trust me you don't want that...). So, when you make your own happiness and really live life full of gratitude for what you already have, I really believe that amazing people will come your way, because people are attracted more to someone that is full of happiness and is stable and fun to be around. I know that it is all so easy to say in words - and it is difficult to change your true feelings. When you get those feelings, acknowledge them but then take some time to be thankful for some little things each morning when you wake up and most especially when you go to sleep. And they may be little things, but just the practice of it all really makes a huge difference in the long run! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 If you want children and a family, that is fine. Those are good things to have. Just know they will not make your life any more complete than you are before you have them. Life is to be shared so make sure you bring a lot of good stuff to the table yourself. A happy complete woman is very attractive to the average male. Desperation will get you nothing but users and losers. Link to comment
blueyes833 Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I completely agree with you Daisy! You are absolutely right Link to comment
utopie Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 You're only 27. I am 29 and yes after the break-up I just thought "I can't believe he broke up with me when I'm 29. Nobody will love me for who I am the way he did, I won't find anybody and I want kids". It eventually goes away although I still have some little pangs and worries. Just thinking you have to build another relationship from scratch yet again can seem daunting and exhausting but we will eventually find somebody who will love us, and I mean the whole of what we are. I see living proofs around me all the time: my ex's dad (divorced from his mom, found love not long ago and seems to be the happiest I've ever seen him), my uncle, one of my best friends (34) living in the States, my boss (38, found one of her soul mates 3 years ago and is now expecting). I also see lots of married couples who are absolutely miserable. In the end the only person who truly matters is yourself. If you can't be happy with and by yourself you'll never be happy with another person as you use him/her as a "plug" for this loneliness and emptiness. My ex pursued me for months, I was not attracted to him and not interested. I eventually gave in because I was lonely and unhappy. I don't regret it, I loved him, he's a great guy but these insecurities eventually break you, break him and your couple. I would do things differently ( I told him and he genuinely seemed happy to hear it from me) and will approach my next relationship in a much better place Link to comment
alwaysmoving Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I feel the same way you do, OP. I'm 22 and just moved to a new place for a job and I'm totally lonely. I get home from work Mon-Fri, eat dinner by myself, and to get rid of the loneliness I've just been road tripping to my college town every weekend and seeing with a guy who is just a friend with benefits. This weekend I decided to stay in my new city and I just don't know what to do about my situation. I'm younger so I'm not even wanting to get married or have kids yet, but I haven't been in a legitimate relationship ever before in my life. Just short lived casual things. I'm really wanting a relationship at this point but have no idea how to go about that. I really want some girl friends in my new city too. People are like oh join groups. What groups? Where? It's a Friday night and I'm on enotalone. I totally know what you mean. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I am 27, I just broke up from someone I thought I'd spend my life with, but suddenly, one day, he dumped me... The funny thing is I never thought of getting married and have children, till my break up. I realized that my friends are all engaged, commited and I am alone and single. And I will be alone for a long time, till I heal from the break up. It's the first time in my life that I feel 'old', that I won't find anyone else to love and love me and I'll be alone. I don;t have any single friend and this makes it worse as I don't have anyone to go out at nights or hang out at any time, as I did when I was younger with my friends... Link to comment
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