Need advice

[tracielee38]

Hey everyone, I need advice my BF of 14 months we just put our money into an account together. I feel he may be taking advantage of me. He pays all his bills but when it comes to mine he says use your savings we'll pay it back, or use your savings for this or that. He has a savings account also,but he never uses it. I say to him I just gave u x amount of money that should pay my bills too oh well we had an unexpected emergency which we haven't. I'm afraid to say anything because he is so defensive. I was going to give it a 3 month try but I'm really worried ,he may screw me over.My car payment is due next week, his response is use your savings.. I know I was wrong for telling him about it,but I'm an honest person. Anybody have any advice or am I just being paranoid? I just have a feeling im being used, I always bought him food,clothes etc, he never bought me anything not that I need or want it just telling you how it is. Thanks

[sadchick83]

I would keep a record of everything for a month. It sounds like you pay for more and he is stashing his cash. My ex was like this....I actually thought he was broke until I found out he had like $80,000 in the bank. If you feel like you are being used, you probably are.

[tmtex]

Doesnt sound good

[tracielee38]

Thanks, Good idea.

[toby17]

This post bothers me for a few reasons.

 

First, what have you and your bf agreed on. Because it sounds like only joint bills should be paid out of the joint account.

 

In which case, do you know how much the joint bills are and what your share is? If not, why not? Find out and only pay your share of what's needed to pay the joint bills.

 

Second, why don't you have access to the joint account? You could then just check to see (1) if he's paying all the bills and (2) if he's paying some of his too.

 

I also think that it's concerning that you think he might be cheating you at all. If he is, you don't need to be in a relationship with him because he's dishonest and doesn't really care about you.

 

It also bothers me that you think that if you bring it up, he'll get defensive. If his is just a fairly normal reaction to the suggestion that he can't be trusted, then ask diplomatically. He's entitled to his reaction and you need to not be worried about him having one.

 

On the other hand, if he's defensive cause he's a bully or because he's up to no good, then again - you need to wonder why you're with this guy.

[metrogirl]

So let me understand, there is money for his and your bills yet only his bills get paid and he then wants you to pony up more money for your bills? Maybe you should take over the finances and see how things go.

[toby17]

It's not clear from your post, but I hope you're not saying you two have put all your money together in one account cause that's really not a good idea.

I know some people do it but you two aren't married, you don't completely trust him and while you might be a couple you're still 2 individuals and your financial arrangements should reflect that.

[22n32]

Very bad idea.. to have a joint acct.. some married people don't even have that..

 

My advise. Get your own acct again...

[agatha]

sorry, but this was a very bad decision. he's just your bf, so if your savings reach deadly low levels you wouldn't be able to get a penny from his savings account, even though he said he'd pay it back. and worst, with a joint account he could apply for loans that you could end up paying for by yourself (seen that happen a bunch of times, that's the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone).

 

please, do separate your financial life until you are legally established as a couple (and even then, think twice about it).

 

good luck, and don't be afraid of him.

[Deciduous]

Sweetie,

 

Either he is cheating you or he is very poor at simple division. Either way you cannot have your money tied up with his. Change your direct debit back so that your wages are going into your own private account. If he asks why, say you don't want it to cause arguments and - you like to budget. Just your funny quirk.

 

Do not be intimidated by his defensive attitude (which is always the best offense btw) It's your money. You are a grown women. Take charge of your finances. This situation can't go on as well you know. I bet if you told your best friends about this, they would be saying exactly the same thing.

 

Do not be browbeaten. You are entitled to make choices about where your wages go.

 

Your savings are just that. Savings for a rainy day. They shouldn't be touched for day to day expenses.

 

If you are worried about offending him, tell him it isn't personal, it's something your financial advisor, Ms M Deciduous, insists upon. If you are not ready to make accusations that's fine. Keep it polite, but broke no argument. This is the way it has to be.

 

If you can't stand up to him on this, then how are you hoping to have an effective, respectful and equal partnership in future.

 

If this is an honest mistake, then he will understand that you are just keeping a sensible head on your shoulders about protecting your savings.

 

Deci

[blueidealist24]

Why did he want a joint account to start with? That raises the red flag, when you guys have separate bills. It sounds like maybe he's not well off financially and wants to take some of your money. It sounds like he is doing that if you give him money for your bills but he still says that's not enough and you have to go to your savings. I think he's using his money, which is probably limited, PLUS yours to pay his own bills which are probably more than what he says they are. And you should definitely have access to bank statements from your joint account. If you don't I'd be sure he's rooking you. I think you guys should go back to separate accounts. If he refuses, this is a huge red flag and you should end the relationship.. hopefully you don't lose any money that was in the joint account if you do. Honestly, this sounds like a bad situation.

[tracielee38]

@Toby17 thanks for your reply. We have no joint bills.I wanted to do this because I love him so much and have a big heart and am just too nice..He gets very defensive over alot of things. I don't know if it is because he is "up to no good" as you put it, I like that. He says he was accused of cheating on his ex's ,so he will defend himself he said if he has not done anything wrong. I like your reply alot it brings some things to think about.

[tracielee38]

@Deciduous Thank you for replying. I know I shouldn't be intimidated by his defensiveness it's just how I 'am. I get scared when someone gets like that, I have a long past of abuse.. Yes my savings are for emergencies as I have told him. I have never had to use it for car payments but now I have to! Yes my friends would say I'm stupid for doing that.It's just how I'am I have a big heart and I love him so much. I hope it's a honest mistake.We will see.