6 years relationship and now she's gone

[mossurf]

Hi all! Well after a couple of weeks of reading posts on this great forum, I feel it’s now time for me to tell my own story and get your impressions/advice...sorry if this is long but I hope it’ll also reassure some of you who are going through the same rough patch that you’re not alone!

I’m 31 and lived and worked in the UK for 7 years out of which I spent 6 years with my ex girlfriend who is now 25: 3 years in LDR and then she left France after her studies to come and live with me for another 3 years. It was passionate love, we never argued, lived in perfect harmony made other couples jealous, bla bla bla. Back in February we both flew to France to visit our respective families and friends and came back separately as I only had a week out of the office. For about a week after returning she was very strange, distant and when I asked what was wrong she told me she missed France, seeing her friends and her family. I knew she hated her job in the UK too (waitress was one of the only options as she didn’t master our queen’s language) and a lot of our friends had left the city during that year...so she had pretty much all reasons to be unhappy. Ever since she came over to live in the UK with me, our medium term project was to move back to France one day and settle there. Within a week everything went back to normal. A month later after getting a few hints over the past year, I told her I wanted to have a baby with her and she cried with joy (slightly embarrassing outside the pub but hey). We were that comfortable and that much in love with each other that we considered this as the normal next step without any second thoughts. So we started trying from that very first evening! In April she decided to take a few days off and see her friends again in France and as a joke I asked how long this time she was going to be depressed for after her return. And sure enough she spent a week complaining about how she missed France and hated her job in the UK...but she said how lucky she had me at least to support and love her. I have the chance to have a job where I could work remotely and knowing that a couple of my colleagues worked from abroad, I decided to ask my bosses if they would allow me to move to France and work from there so my gf and I could fulfil our dreams.

Now fast forward to August where my gf and I meet up in France (we’d go there a lot) after she spent a week with her family/friends. Again she was all weird and distant. We were driving to a wedding and after an hour of trying to understand why seriously she was always acting like that, and she told me she wasn’t sure anymore about the baby. Ok, I respect the decision. It may have gone too quickly and I’ll give her some time. Fast forward to our return to the UK, she resigns from her job without really giving me a chance to discuss this as I was still waiting for my company to confirm I could move to France. Without work she couldn’t pay for the rent and I couldn’t afford it on my own so the stress began. She was still strange and one afternoon, I sent her a text saying this was becoming stupid and 30 mns later she sent a text back to say she was outside my office. She was in tears and told me she wasn’t sure anymore about us two, that she felt I was more in love with her than she was with me, that she wanted to enjoy her life a little more but she didn’t want to leave me. Big blow...I felt empty, confused, cried like a baby (shame), asked what was going on and she just said she had no idea. After a long night of chatting when she told me she didn’t even want to split up, everything sort of went back to normal gradually after a month, but it’s only then that the idea of her having met someone hit me. In the meantime I get the official news that I’m allowed to move to France and work from there. Great, so there she goes on her own down to France for a week to go house hunting. She finds one, she comes back for the weekend and off we go together to visit this great 3 bedroom house together the following week. We have the papers in hand and we go out to see her sister. I’m sitting next to my girlfriend on the sofa, her sister hands over her phone to me to fix something, I find an exchange of texts between her and my girlfriend: “Why is he so charming, lol?”. Bigger blow. I turn round to my girlfriend and ask her to follow me outside. All this acting strange, weird and distant was about a guy...a guy she had met back in February. We talked a lot through the night, about her true feelings for me, what she wanted to do with us, and I started telling her we shouldn’t carry on and I should stay in the UK and she stays in France. But the next morning she gave me the impression that everything was going to be fine and I went totally blind. A month later after we’re moving all our stuff down to France into our new house, she went all weird once again...fast forward to today she finally left me a week after we had move in. So I’m now in a new country, a new city, in a huge new house, with no offices to go to because working from home, and obviously on my own. She’s obviously gone for that guy but I don’t want to know. It’s now been 2 1/2 weeks, did a bit of NC but broke it because of logistics and having her to get her stuff out of the house.I’m glad I do have a couple of friends around. But I’m honestly mad at myself for not having stopped everything before that move. Deep down I really want her back, and I keep thinking about what could have caused this. I'm in excrucuating pain and what she did is unforgivable and selfish. So the healing starts now...is this typical GIGS?? Is she going to realize?

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Knowing that you want her back, if I were in your shoes, I'd make one last (written) contact saying how you feel, that your want to re-unite and start over (in case she is having doubts about having left you, and is ashamed to come back). Then go full NC.

 

But be careful what you wish for because she seems to have a history of being unstable and not knowing what she wants. You might also be far too hurt now, and you may be resentful of her (understandably). The damage may be too deep. Also, since she already cheated she may be inclined to do it again.

 

Have you considered just moving back to the UK, or do you plan to stay in France?

[mossurf]

Hi BellaDonna, thanks so much for your reply.

After we broke up 2 1/2 weeks ago, I went full NC for about a week. She sending me a few text messages more around logistics than anything else (not mentionning her dad who called me and ended up crying over the phone which didn't help). I didn't reply to her texts and she asked me if I hated her to that point, but still didn't reply. After a week I sent her an email to explain that I din't hate her, I just needed the time to take a step back, think about myself, what I was going to do. I also gave my mea culpa, admitted there were a few things about me that I could have changed/improved. That I'm sure I'll learn a lot from this separation but I loved her and that our relationship deserved another chance and we should talk it through. In the meantime I wanted her to respect the fact that I wanted to be left alone so I could get over this.

AI failed to point out that she didn't actually cheat on me (at least that's what she says but I do believe her), that she had a crush on him that made her doubt our relationship. She did keep in touch with this bloke, and every time she'd go back to France she probably saw him...but still, she cheated on me emotionally. She tried to fight back her emotions but it finally grew on her and she told me (well I had to make her say) she had lost her feelings for me. The problem is that she never had the courage to say anything and she was was too scared to hurt me. If only she had been sincere and mature we could have talked through it right from the beginning and maybe this relationship could have been saved?

So she sent me an email yesterday to say I was and will remain very important to her eyes and that she will never forget those 6 years we were together, and that she doesn't want to hate me. Yep it's very hard and I have thought about moving back to the UK. But right now I feel I shouldn't make any major decisions until I think properly. My family and friends are not too far now (I'm part French/ part English by the way and grew up in France) which is a good thing. There's also my work situation and I'm prepared right now to explain my case to bosses.

But I'm still at the stage of denial and deep down there's this hope of her coming back which I'm trying to erase every minute. I'm looking at NC as a way of making her miss me and suddenly wake up which is not good...I'm a bit everywhere right now I know But I do look forward to getting myself back and maybe yes, moving back to the UK is something I should do. I'll give myself until Christmas and see

[Day88]

Mate I really feel for you.

 

But all I can say is you've got a great outlook on this, not making any rash decisions and taking the time to think about life.

 

I wish you all the best bud, I've been through something similar and trust me things do get better.

[mossurf]

Hi Day88,

 

Thanks a lot for your message. I just read through your story...I didn't copy your title by the way Indeed we have this very similar story, the only difference is that my ex never had the courage to tell me anything and she says it was because she didn't want to hurt me (got a stupid email from her yesterday) when I understand in your situation it was pretty clear from the time you broke up. Wish I had that. I always had to make the first step to finally get her to say things...partly. Since this break up is still very fresh I'm still thinking that she could come back but now I'm starting to take a few steps back if she did really knock at my door. First, would she really do this? Knowing she's never been sincere with her feelings, it actually might be the 1st time in 6 years she'd take the initiative to spit it out ("I made the biggest mistake of my life, I miss you and I know I love you more than anything..." sigh). So I actually don't think she will ever come back. Now if she is with this other guy today, I actually feel sorry for him. I know she's still confused, she told me in that stupid email from yesterday that she "made a choice although she doesn't entirely feel it was the right one, and she hesitated for a while because there a lot of things she missed". And he's probably going to go through the same s**t as I've been through. Her mind won't be there 100% but she'll hide it which is not fair on him. Or she will work it through with him, be open to him and they will stay forever...and why would she not have done this with me, talking through it early enough to save OUR relationship? Anyway...too many "if"s today...and it's my birthday I should be in good old London with my mates at the pub but I'm at my parents' house in rural France wingeing. Looks like there's a long road of healing ahead of me.

[Day88]

Mate I know it's hard but you can't think about the things that are going on with her and him. Our stories our similar but it's like you said I suppose I was 'lucky' that she didn't mess me about and just told me like it is.

 

Again I know it's hard and it sounds like I'm saying it like it's the easiest thing in the world but for me it only hit me when I realised that there was absolutely nothing that I could do to change the situation so I thought sod it make the most of whats here. That's when I think I truly started to move on.

 

Like I said in my other post you already have a good outlook on it. Go complete NC mate and start doing things for yourself, things that make you happy. Then if she does decide that she's made a mistake then it's on her to come back to you, and you can decide then if it's what you want. And if she doesn't you've already taken the steps to move on and you'll be in a better place.

[mossurf]

Now 3 weeks BU, full NC for 2 weeks besides the couple of texts about her picking the rest of her stuff at my house (still missing her and loving her badly).

 

I didn't mention it in my story because it wasn't relevant at all at the time of my first post but the day she broke up with me I received a post on my facebook wall from my ex-ex girlfriend to say she was on tour in Europe (she's an american singer-singwriter) and asked if I would be in London during that time. I was with this girl for about 3 1/2 years mostly doing a long distance relationship and we broke up in 2005, a year before I started dating my ex-girlfriend, only because we couldn't afford seeing each other anymore with the backs and forths between the US and Europe. Quite a painful split too but anyway, I hadn't heard from her in about 4 years...what were the odds?! So I replied back saying I had moved to France and then PMed her to explain the whole story of my girlfriend and I moving down to France and her leaving me a week later because she had a crush on a guy that she couldn't shake off which made her lose her feelings for me. She was really sorry to hear that and she said she was going through a rough post-breakup time too. A few days later she sends me an email to say she's actually in France visiting some old mutual friends we had and since she was not far from my parents, she was going to visit them too on that Saturday hoping to see me there. She had a really good bond with my parents at the time. I was due to be there but I was so messed up in my head that that was honestly the last thing I wanted to do. Seeing her and possibly getting a rush of those old feelings coming back, talking about our times together, my parents there, etc... I felt everything was going to be too much to handle emotionally. Not that I do have feelings for my ex-ex especially that our story ended 7 years ago but I just wasn't in that right state of mind. So I ended up lying and telling her I was held up with some work and I was only going to drive down to my my parents in the evening which she was bummed about.

 

3 days later my ex girlfriend's sister contacts me randomly on facebook and in the middle of the chat, asks me why my ex ex contacted me the day my ex and I broke, to which I replied it was pure coincidence. Then she askbed if I saw her and I said I didn't.

 

2 days later I received this email from my ex-girlfriend:

 

"You don't want me to contact you any more or get in touch with your family but you weren't bothered about having your ex seeing your parents!

Over 5 and 1/2 years together I've never been in touch with my exes apart from a Happy Bday but nothing else, and since February yes I had a non physical relationship and I swear it was non physical because I respect you too much and preferred to wait to make my choice (which is not 100% sure anyway) to see where I stood. I know I was tactless in the way I handled all of this but I didn't want to lose you and spoil everything for a crush. I tried shaking this crush away for months but I couldn't and thought time would erase it.

And now we're not together anymore, she's back! You were meant to be together! And she's single! Maybe I made things easier for you by ending the relationship...

I've hesitated for a long time as to whether we should get back together or not, because I missed a lot of things but I thought that with everything I did to you it would have never been the same and you would have never forgiven me. I don't know if in those types of situations time heals things in a relationship and brings those sparks back. But that's definitely out of the question today! I hope you'll keep in contact for a long time!! And that your family will be happy to see her again!"

 

That was it. Where did all this come from? Obviously her sister told her (which I knew she would) but she knew for a fact that I never went to see my ex ex at my parents' house. I know it doesn't take 10 psychics in a room to figure out this is an explosion of immaturity but is this jealousy or a hurt ego?? Or maybe both? It doesn't take another 10 to see this was written spontaneously, without weighing her words and by completely ignoring how hurt I could be after reading once again something about this crush she had which sent our relationship in smoke. She was the one breaking up, and this is seriously misplaced jealousy (if it is jealousy) with what she did to me. I had asked her to stop contacting me in the most polite way so I could heal and move on. But there you go. And the final thing that strikes me is how she says she hesitated a long time whether she'd come back or not and that her choice may not be the right one. Honestly that screwed my mind a lot.

 

Of course I have not replied to that email and that was sent 2 days ago. Yesterday was my birthday and at 00:10 am she sent me a text saying that it may not be very welcome but wished me a happy birthday and ended the message with kisses.

 

Any one of you reading this is going to say "Jeez mate, get over this, it's finished and you should move on" but I still love her and I can't forget the 6 years we just spent. We had this amazing connection, lived together, were planning and tried for a baby, had the perfect situation with a house and decent revenue and jobs (mine actually, she really hated those but it was good money too). In a strange way I am happy to have received this email, because it makes think she is jealous and those feelings she supposedly lost are there. But are they really? I'm still at the stage of denial and do want to suddenly wake up and tell herself how on earth this could have ended when she had everything she wanted in a relationship...the grass is not greener on the other side...I try to push this in the back of my mind and tell myself it's over. I'm also trying to look at this objectivly and think if we were together again that she is not emotionally mature enough but it's hard. Has anyone gone through this too? bf/gf dumps you for maybe another guy/girl and persists in contacting you in the most tactless way??

[Day88]

For her it seems like your moving on, just by being in contact with your ex ex there's obviously some jealousy from her side. and I'm not saying that this means she wants to get back or anything like that but she's probably quite happy to keep you on the sideline, and that message is her letting you know how she's feeling trying to make you feel guilty.

 

She shouldn't be sending things like this it's not fair to you, there's no questions or meaningful things being said, just a rant. Ignore it bud.

[Ms Darcy]

You did the right thing not to respond. DO NOT respond. She knows how you feel so if she wants to get back she can.

 

She's freaking ridiculous. This is not just jealousy - as you say - it is ego. She thinks that you love her more than she loves you. So she likes knowing that you are pining over her while she has the luxury of banging this other guy for a while under he becomes a jerk and she can run back to you for comfort. Do not take the bait. No contact and stay strong.

[mossurf]

Things have become quite interesting over the last few days. When we broke up 4 weeks ago, I found out the name of the guy who my girlfriend had a crush on while we were together (call him VB). Last Friday evening my friend (MP) dropped by and we went to see one of his friends for a few beers at his place. It turned out that this guy knows VB and they were talking about the holiday they went on together this summer. When I heard the name VB my heart sank. I went outside, lit up a fag and made signs to my friend MP to come over. I told him the guy they were talking about is actually the guy who my exf had a crush on and supposedly was the reason for our break up. He couldn’t believe it. We are in a city of more than a million people - what were the odds?! Remember in my post above my ex ex contacting me on Facebook the day I split up with my ex when I hadn’t heard from her in years- what’s going on?

 

After we made sure it was him, he told me he was the worst guy he’d ever met, shags anything that moves, doesn’t give a damn about girls...I just crumbled. How my ex could have fallen for a guy like that?! That’s not like her at all. My imagination went completely bonkers. I pulled out my phone, broke NC and sent her a text telling her I was with VB’s friends and heard he was a d**k with women, that he had no respect for them and I asked her how she could have ruined a 6 years relationship for this. Obviously she sent a text back asking how I could know it was him so I sent another text mentioning the holiday in Spain he went on with his mates and the number of girls he shagged down there thi summer. She just replied: “OK” but I knew that ripped her off the hook. In a way, I felt good knowing how he was because this is definitely not what she was after. I’m 100% certain she didn’t sleep with him, and I don’t even know if they actually kissed.

 

I kept NC after that and out of the blue this week I got an email from her to help her out on a letter she had to write in English. I thought that was really out of place. I told her she should ask her friend – saying that with the amount of prostitutes and girls he did he must have landed on an English speaking one – but I did write that letter in English for her just because I knew it was important. And from that email it lead to a long exchange of other emails over the last 4 days. All were very polite, we kept our cool but we laid out everything we had on our mind..well almost. We have been together for 6 years and we know each other very well. She started saying it wasn’t really about this guy but there were some things about my behaviour which led her to being attracted to someone else. That I worked too much and I was never available for her and that anytime we could spend some quality time together I just wanted to stay on the couch. I also know I’m not the best housekeeper, that I stopped cooking, doing the house chores and left everything to her although she had quite a physical job. She did point out those things during our relationship but I never realized it could have triggered all of this. This way of communicating was pretty healthy as we had time to think about what we were writing, and read over and over what really caused our relationship to break and have it sink in. It’s only been 4 weeks since our break up so the wounds are still pretty open, and we haven’t talked or seen each other since. But the more we wrote and the more she was opening up about a potential reconciliation! How she actually hasn’t told her family about our break up yet because she doesn’t realize what’s going on. How she still cares about me, that there are a lot of things she misses. Questions like 8221;You’re moving on that’s great for you but are you really ready to start everything from start, get married and have children with someone else?”. There were a lot of keywords laying around that were saying she was regretting what she did but I ended up with that final question: “I’m still not sure what point you’re trying to make...are you saying you may want to reconcile and that you’re sorry for what you did?”. And she replied she did regret, that she’s now hesistating and she wanted to see me to discuss this face to face.

 

I haven’t replied yet and I don’t know what to do! I’ve had these 4 weeks to think about all this, yes I envisaged this scenario and yes I love her more than anything and I can forgive her. I now know I have a lot of things to work on but she definitely needs a good shake too. Especially on the maturity side and being sincere...which is my biggest problem. She never told me anything about this when she could have opened up the communication early enough to save the relationship, I found out about this 8 months later and I initiated the breakup. Today again I had to force her to say she was thinking about a potential reconciliation. So I’m thinking this over and over and really don’t want to get a second slap in the face to which she said she would never do this to me considering how she hurt me in the first place despite everything I did for her. What is your advice? I could leave her for a while so she can be sure about her feelings (which clearly she doubts about) or she is definitely someone who will never make the 1st move and if I don’t talk to her now she’ll be gone for definite even if she will be unhappy? If we do get back together this will be under a lot of conditions - some work on my side and some on hers. She also knows what I'm expecting out of our relationship and although I won't rush into those, she knows I want to start a family. Also, she hasn't found a job yet since she resigned from her old job in the UK, she doesn't have any money, she's currently living in a tiny bedsit with her sudent sister...I'm very cautious that she's probably missing the nest we had and the comfort I gave her with a house, decent money, car, holidays, etc...AND she hasn't expressed her true feelings: 3 weeks ago she was saying she wasn't in love anymore! I really don't know....

[BellaDonna]

I think you should keep your cool and take it slowly. If you 2 do decide to try to make it work, enter with caution. View the situation, in your mind, as a "test". It still doesn't have to mean anything definite either way, and the outcome really can't be predicted. You won't know unless you try. Bascially either a.) things will change for the better and you 2 will be ok or b.) it won't work and will re-confirm why it is best to be broken up afterall. It seems if you don't try you may never have any kind of closure so at this point, it seems like it is worth a shot.

 

It seems she will be coming back to you, if not right now, then very soon.