Suggestions to help them relate over electronic medium.

[Seraphim]

My husband is deployed right now and so the way we relate to him is over Skype. Our son is in the high functioning autistic spectrum. They relate more or less ok in person but over electronic medium getting my son to converse with his dad is like pulling teeth. He is not young, he is 14. The most I can seem to encourage him to relate to his dad this way is for about 2 minutes max and I am being generous with that time. My husband tries and tries to discuss what would be interesting to our son but all the kid does is say, " I miss you a tonne dad." and he walks away. It is hard to explain but it is like he is not making the connection with the person on the screen and being able to converse and relate. I am desperate for some ways to maybe help them relate better.

[thejigsup]

My son cannot talk on the phone at all. It goes with the territory. My son is great with texting and instant messaging. Can they do that together?

[annony]

I love skype. I have very close friends in the South that I still feel are immediate parts of my life because we are able to converse via webcam regularly. I do not "miss" them per se, because I feel like they are right here with me. I have coffee dates with them like I do with my local friends, except they are on the other side of the continent.

 

How long has your husband been deployed? My first thought is maybe your son isn't yet used to talking to someone over webcams, and maybe as be becomes more accustomed to it, it will be easier?

My littlest brother has autism, but he's lower functioning. A strategy I use with him (that I'm sure you are familiar with) is before we do anything we talk about exactly what's going to happen.

"We are going to the store. First we will find a parking spot, then we will buy veggies, then milk, then we will stand in the line and pay for them...etc"

Maybe before your hubby's skype call you could talk with your son about what some good things to talk about with his dad are? Like "I bet your dad would love to hear about that movie you just saw..."

[annony]

My son cannot talk on the phone at all. It goes with the territory. My son is great with texting and instant messaging. Can they do that together?

For what it's worth, I can't talk on the phone at all either! I just hate it and I don't know why. As much as I love the person, voice only chats are hard for me. Some people just don't like it.

[Seraphim]

My son cannot talk on the phone at all. It goes with the territory. My son is great with texting and instant messaging. Can they do that together?

 

My son won't instant message either. He can not spell or articulate written word fast enough because of his communication disability. He is far better spoken.

[Seraphim]

Yeah, I have to go through whatever will happen ahead of time about everything or he will freak. Yeah I discuss all kinds of things he could discuss with his dad and he seems excited but when he dad comes on his face goes blank and expressionless and he walks away.

 

I am just so dumb founded.

[BellaDonna]

Since your son likely doesn't know what is socially expected of him in this situation, it would probably help to practice a specific "script" with him. "Tell dad about what your did in school" "Tell dad about what you have been doing for fun". Keep in mind that your son likely does not understand your husband's thoughts and feelings. He has a brain-based difference in the way he sees "social" situations, empathy, and the feelings of others. Our world is strange to him. He is happy in his own understanding.

 

Also keep in mind:

 

*He may not be able to find the words to tell your husband what he is thinking.

*If your husband says your son's name each time before he speaks to your son, it will help keep your son focused/engaged.

*Don't equate lack of social understanding with not "wanting" to socialize with his dad

*Give him enough time to respond

*Ask him only one question at a time

*Know that he is likely not aware of how his behavior (i.e. avoiding Skype) looks to you or impacts you or your husband.

 

Also consider that even the average 14 year-old may not think talking to their parents is "cool" and teen boys, expecially, may not express a lot of emotions.

 

The most I can seem to encourage him to relate to his dad this way is for about 2 minutes max and I am being generous with that time. My husband tries and tries to discuss what would be interesting to our son but all the kid does is say, " I miss you a tonne dad." and he walks away

 

^That actually seems pretty good, to me. It might not be worthwhile to try to change your son's reaction to the situation, rather your husband may have to adapt his approach, based on your son's unique needs, and try not to impose expectations.

[Seraphim]

I will try scripting more the situation with him Bella and see if that helps. Thank you.

[Fudgie]

I agree with Bella, definitely "script" this one out. I would write up a note before you Skype with your son and your husband and just bullet point stuff like "Tell Dad about your school day. What did you eat? What did you learn? What did you read?" or "Tell Dad about " Stuff like that.

 

I can sort of understand where you're coming from. My sis is autistic and she struggles with the phone even. I really don't even communicate with her unless it's in person. My brother is like that too. I guess when you have autism, it can be that much harder to "connect" with others, so that every bit of contact is needed. So when you're on a medium like Skype, a lot of that contact is taken away and it makes it even harder. Esp when it's a new experience.

[thejigsup]

Scripting is a great idea! But have a back up plan if Dad doesn't always follow the script. Maybe just have one important topic for him to talk to his dad about. Too much info going into his brain may be confusing for him.

[Seraphim]

Yeah I am gone to try one topic a session and see how that goes. I think going over and over with him the time line helps. He is very antsy when things are spur of the moment.