Acceptance

[Springs]

Hi Buddies...

 

Many of you know my story...it's very long winded as always, but in a very small nutshell, I initiated break up with my boyfriend of 2 years 3 months ago. I did not want to end it, and when it ended I begged for him to take me back. I was beginning to feel like I was talking to a brick wall at times. He seemed to be very rigid in his ways, and I just felt that I wasn't fully getting what I needed from him. However in every other way, we were a couple that everyone wanted to be. In many ways it was a wonderful relationship, we have lots of very happy memories and he was my first love. Even after 2 years he gave me butterflies and I truly thought I would spend my life with him. When I ended it, it was the result of a fight that got out of control. I told him he was never willing to compromise anything for me and I couldn't do it anymore. Before that Friday evening, I had absolutely no intention of ending it, I just overflowed with all the frustration that had been building up. I suppose when I said what I said I thought he would agree to change a few things for me if the alternative was to lose me. But I was wrong, he didn't come back when I begged him to discuss it. We had about 2 months of contact and met once for dinner...he seemed to be more open to the chance of us getting back together again and then he started pulling away again. He says that he still loves me very much, and he is devastated about everything, but he feels deep down he will never make me happy. It's absolutely breaking my heart.

 

I am trying so hard to accept this and have been doing better since the first awful 2 months when I was living in hell...and couldn't bear to think it was over for good. I feel that now I need to make some major decisions in life that need to come from acceptance that he and I are over. Some of you will know I moved to a different country for him last year (short flight), and when since I moved one year ago, I haven't made any close friends as he was literally my everything. Now he is gone I feel so lost and confused about what I should do. I am not surrounded by family and friends, a vital support system when going through a break up. It is so hard for me, I just feel so lonely and sad so much of the time. My family are begging me to apply for jobs back home and just go back to my life there, but I feel that while that may help, it will mean there is definitely no more hope for me and my ex getting back together. Everyone is so frustrated with me saying this, because they just want what is best for me. But I am so afraid that if I leave here, I am ruining any chance of reconciling with him. We were in contact via text a few days ago and it was amicable. He said he is very sad and he cries a lot. It didn't get overly emotional but it was left open so I feel I am waiting for him to contact me again. I know what everyone here will say...that I need to just forget him and move on. I would say it to someone else too...

 

But I know he still loves me very much, and that is what is making it so hard for me to actually accept we are over. I keep trying to be strong and think about the reasons why we split, I am reading old messages of arguments we had where he was unreasonable etc. But on the other hand I feel that time apart has made me see that all the petty things I wanted don't even matter and maybe I should just accept that is part of him, because we really did have a wonderful relationship in so many ways and were both madly in love . But now he's gone and I can't put that into practice. I hate myself for thinking this way. I wish I could just accept it is over to move the hell on with my life and be happy rather than waiting around hoping he will come back. How do I accept that the person I love more than anything in this world is gone? Does acceptance come with NC? How do I get rid of the hope or does some hope help you to get on with NC?

 

Any of your words of wisdom would be very welcomed,

 

Springs x

[pl3asehelp]

It sounds like what you need to accept is that he's not going to change. Basically, you made a huge bet and lost. He's correct that he can't make you happy - I mean, that is why you broke up with him, right? What has changed? Have you come to accept him the way he is? It sounds like maybe you have. Have you told him? He needs to know that before he would even think about any reconciliation, I would assume. You need to make sure he understands that you are happy with him just as he is.

 

Unfortunately, many relationships end this way - when you tell someone 'change for me or else' it almost always means it's over.

[Springs]

I know what you are saying, but love is so blind. Even after all this thinking time, I still only think of the good times and how perfect we were in so many ways. And we were. I just wish those things weren't even an issue but they were. After the break up I belittled myself and begged for him to come back because I loved him 'just the way he is'. And that's really how I felt and part of me still feels. I can't let go of the fact that so much love is not enough to make a relationship. Days before this, we expressed that we were falling even deeper in love with each other and were talking about our life together with kids and then BAM, all gone because I got frustrated. Sigh.

[DN]

If you did get back together but he didn't change - would you break up with him again?

[Springs]

If you did get back together but he didn't change - would you break up with him again?

 

That is something I wouldn't know until we tried...maybe after going through all this torture and realising what I had, I would 'put up' with those things that bothered me before. But it's not an option at the moment anyway because I've already taken everything I said back and he is still not willing to try again. I want to move on, I just feel so stuck on hoping something miraculous will happen. That he will grow up or change in time apart and want to come back to me. It seems like such a stupid reason to break up. Neither of us changed our feelings about how we felt about the other, we both love each other and both are heartbroken. It seems like such a waste to me

[DN]

It may be that he is unwilling to consider it if he feels you will break up with him again.

[Eocsor]

Sometimes, even if two people love each other, it can't work. Sounds strange but it's true. Love is important, but it isn't the only thing you need to make a relationship work.

 

Also, you've dumped him once. If you can't truly say you would want him for good the way he is why put him through that again. You'd really have to be sure that he is what you wanted.

 

As corny as it sounds, take what you've learned and apply it to the next relationship.

[chickydoodle]

Other people can give you advice based on their experience which might not be applicable to yours.

Only you yourself know the answer. But here are my thoughts ...It sounds like he has made up his mind to persevere thru' his pain to keep it over and you are hoping his pain becomes too unbearable and he asks for a reconciliation.

Remember there is a reason you ended it and try not to view things now thru' rose coloured glasses and be real about the negative aspects. However if you feel your reasons for being unhappy with him were petty and you have tried to communicate this to him but he wont give you another chance then it seems you have no choice but to accept it.

If you stay and wait in vain hope ,it will be torturous. If you leave, it will be torturous depending on how you choose to look at it. Seeing as either choice is going to be painful perhaps it is best to pick the option where you have the love and support of family to help you to get over it and get on with life?

Regarding his statement 'he cant make you happy' . I have had that said to me and I dont believe anyone has the strength to be selfless enough to give up a loved one for that reason. I feel it is a line used to make their decision look like a noble one. Knowing him as you do - does it seem probable that this is a valid reason? Is he really so selfless? If not, pay no heed to that line. I consider it a clever manipulative thing to say-but then I have become very mistrustful!!!

Another option is to put a time limit on it- say another 3months before returning home. But use this time to make NC and get strong and change your thought patterns via books, mediatation etc......lots out there, so you are not dependent on being with him as your source of happiness. And altho' staying in the area is handy if there is a reconciliation- try and abandon all hope of one so you can truly move on. By desperately wanting him back it may not happen. It is only after we let go that the right thing will happen.

Being without the one we thought was the Love of our life is excruciating and I understand your pain. I found going on line and looking up life quotes on letting go, being strong etc v. helpful. There is a good one that says the harder the struggle to let go, the more Gold awaits at the end. I do believe when we let go, another door opens for us. And I do believe that suffering is not for no reason- something good always happens when we are at our lowest point. Ask God, the Angels , your higher self ( who or whatever you have faith in- if you dont ask you wont receive) draw on any spiritual resources you have for guidance and strength and listen to your inner intuition.

Sorry I ramble and am not concise but hopefully you' ll decipher some valid points to help you.

Remember you are strong. It takes great strength to get by while so alone in this situation. This pain wont be forever , regardless of what happens. And Whatever happens you WILL be okay. 'God is closest to those with a broken heart' is another saying- so remember you are not alone in your suffering. Take Care .

[DN]

Sometimes people say "I can't make you happy" not because they feel inadequate but because they feel their partner is too demanding.

[Springs]

Thanks for all the input.

 

The 'Deep down I don't think I can make you happy' I think may have been said not because he is totally selfless, but because he is afraid this would happen all over again, and a clarification that he is not willing to change. Knowing him as I do I think he is afraid that down the line he doesn't want to carry the 'burden' as he may see it of guilt that I left family and friends and home country to go and be with him. Part of it is because I hope he wants the best for me, but also offloading some of the fear of the future under our circumstances.

 

The thing is, I didn't include this above but when we were communicating on pretty much a daily basis a few weeks ago, I told him I was applying for a job back home and that I am so confused about what to do. I asked him to give me a final answer on whether he wanted me or not because I have a lot of decisions to make about my life and as things are, I am unhappy. He didn't give me an answer and so he probably thinks that what I really want is to go back home when I'm not even sure it is. Arggghhh!!!! We did exchange emails later when I told him I wasnt going home anytime soon, as under the circumstances it was too big a decision to make when feeling so confused and emotional. I am not thinking that going back to live with my parents would solve any problems by any means. But it would at least mean having my supportive family around me rather than sitting here all alone in a country I only moved to because of him.

 

I have thought about this very much for so long and I keep going around in circles. I know for certain though, that the main thing holding me back from deciding is the thought that we would then be over once and for all. I dont know if i could forgive myself in years to come if I left here and shot to hell all chance of reconciling with the love of my life. I have no idea what to do :sorrow:

[chickydoodle]

DN Sometimes people say "I can't make you happy" not because they feel inadequate but because they feel their partner is too demanding.

 

CD Yes true. Depends on the characters involved.

[Eocsor]

I dont know if i could forgive myself in years to come if I left here and shot to hell all chance of reconciling with the love of my life.

 

The thing is, if he was really the love of your life you would have accepted him for who he was and you certainly wouldn't have dumped him.

[chickydoodle]

Springs the fact you are trying to second guess what he is thinking suggests he is not being very forthcoming or communicative regarding his real feelings. Surely he would have said more when you mentioned going home like'oh no stay a little longer and give us more time' or even 'maybe thats for the best'.

I guess if he really wanted things to work out he would be with you by now. You have been clear about where you are at. And if he really didnt want to be with you hopefully you would know that by now too. The only conclusion is he really is unsure - so there is hope.

If you draw back with NC and do the working on yourself thing ( more difficult for you 'cos you are alone there) it should lead to a conclusion either way.

[elastic]

Sometimes people say "I can't make you happy" not because they feel inadequate but because they feel their partner is too demanding.

 

This is exactly how I feel about my ex. I tried to give her everything she wanted in our last year together but it was never good enough. Apparently, I could never love her as much as she loved me so she left for someone else. I don't have any regrets about how I loved her...she simply asked for too much.

[Springs]

Well, when I said I was going back home that time, he was crying down the phone to me but was quiet and didn't really say anything, which hurt me a bit. Then in a later email he said 'i know you going home is the best thing for you. I wish I could make you happy here so things might be different, but deep down I don't think I am able to do that. I think the reason you have been unhappy here is because you truly belong in ireland'. He also said he has so much in his mind he doesn't know what to say, that I am truly special and he will love me forever.

 

Then after this, I informed him I wasn't sure what I wanted and I was confused, that there are less opportunities at home etc and I wasn't going to make a big decision like that when I was so confused. Since then we have had those texts where he said he was very sad but that is pretty much it since then. Knowing he is sad and misses me and saying he will always love me makes me feel the doors are open for us to get back together, but I don't want to hang on to false hope if we are never ever going to be together again i wish i could just move on and take the next step whatever it may be, but my heart is so tied to his and i just feel so unresolved about everything still. I wish he just told me he never wants to see me again and there is no chance, then i could get on with things even though it would hurt

[Springs]

This is exactly how I feel about my ex. I tried to give her everything she wanted in our last year together but it was never good enough. Apparently, I could never love her as much as she loved me so she left for someone else. I don't have any regrets about how I loved her...she simply asked for too much.

 

I think it's fair enough to feel that way in some situations. But in our case, my ex did accept that the things I wanted were reasonable...like having him sleep over at mine, making plans to visit my family, go on holiday somewhere together etc. He has said he doesn't want to aplogise for not wanting to do those things, but also that he shouldn't have been so inflexible in compromising for me, as I shouldn't have to be sorry for what I wanted either

[BlueRose66]

The thing is, if he was really the love of your life you would have accepted him for who he was and you certainly wouldn't have dumped him.

 

I was in a really similar situation. It really depends on what you are having to accept. There are things that are too hard to accept because they lead to a relationship that is not growing and vital. My ex was the love of my life, and there is really no if's, ands or butt's with this. There were also things in her personality that were crazy making and dysfunctional. Should I have stayed even though she was not willing to work on these things? Should I have accepted these things even though they were harmful to my emotional health?

 

Springs, you say that he was rigid, and you felt like you were talking to a brick wall. Can you tell us more about this. Myself, I would be and am willing to do everything in my power to make something work if I love someone- including counseling. Unfortuantely, there are people who can only go so far and they arent able or willing to self examine. It doesnt make them bad people, it just means they have thier limits of what they can and will do.

 

Communication and compromise are essential for any kind of relationship to work. Whoever said "Love isnt always enough" is spot on.

 

If we dont have these kinds of skills there are always ways to learn them. If a person is not willing to do so, then you have your answer. I got mine.

[chickydoodle]

Gosh I am from Ireland too. Am here now, trying to heal from 12yrs with a BF with NPD. So much of what your BF says sounds like what was said to me- the difference being mine had someone pregnant and was in a relationship for 5mths without my knowing- while I was in Ireland. He used to say he felt he was hindering me from being with family......that I belonged with them.....that he could never make me happy ( I was the least demanding person ever and gave unconditional Love and had made my home in Australia with him- worked so hard while he read and slept and only worked 10hr weeks)

Anyway no two stories are ever the same but I tried to reconcile, demeaned myself by being willing to forgive and take him back 'cos as he said I was irreplacable and our Love was eternal and he would never betray me like that again..... .Then he did a u-turn when baby was born but still expected to use my house for his time out from new relationship....ended up me changing the locks on my door...long story but just to say the words your BF uses are so like what he would say to me and all the while cheating on me.

I hung in. Gave it every chance until he made it IMPOSSIBLE for us to be ever together again.

Maybe this is what you need to do. Give it every last fighting chance ( by being strong and backing off but staying there) so then you can at least know you did everthing in your power to make it happen and it wasnt meant to be. It would be hard to return to Ireland wondering 'if only.....I had done this.....said that......etc. Maybe he will hurt you more and meet someone else. Maybe you will not need him so much after a while..maybe you will meet someone else....maybe you will reconnect...either way if you cant bear returning home without giving it your all then this is what you must do. Make sure you get counselling and the support you need to become strong enough to cope with whatever happens.

[Springs]

BlueRose...I fully agree with you. Breaking up with him was not something I wanted to do. It takes an immense amount of strength to tell someone you feel you can't live without that if they dont COMPROMISE with you, then you can't do it anymore. Even more strength to stick with that decision, that I am fluctuating on now.

 

I didn't want him to change as a person, all I wanted was for him to meet me halfway. It was things like..he never wanted to sleep over at my house. In two years we probably slept beside each other about 15 times. I loved him so much and every time he got up to leave at 10pm to drive an hour home, it would hurt me so much. He said he just didn't feel comfortable out of his own environment, couldn't sleep well, couldn't relax. So I understood this and tried not to push but asked for a compromise, maybe once a week or once a forthnight. When that went down like a lead balloon once a month was offered and I was greeted with moans and grunts about it and knew it would never happen. o many times we arranged it and last minute he would say he couldn't. I know it seems ridiculous. It's a normal part of being in a relationship and I felt deprived of it and wanted him close to me at nightm especially when I was so alone here and moved here for him! I made plenty of compromises for him. Also things like planning and booking trips away. I felt like I was always forcing him into considering spending time away somewhere with me, and he would pull out of plans at the last minute and think it was ok to let me down like that. It was getting to the stage where I told him I wanted him more than what he was giving me...and it was nothing, absolutely nothing to do with wanting to change him or not loving him. It was just meeting me halfway and sacrificing some things for the person you love.

 

Writing that out certainly does make me think about what it feeling like for me towards the end and the frustrations I had with him. But I still love him, and like we say love isn't enough in these circumstances.

[BlueRose66]

Springs, Its easy to look back at all that love. I have certainly done it too. In fact I did it today while walking along the River park. But I too got to a point of intense frustration that exploded without me even really being aware of it. I stuffed a lot of things, and became passive aggressive myself.

 

There was obviously a lot that made you so frustrated and unhappy you broke up with him even though you love him so much. That was your inner self speaking, like mind did at the end.

 

It may be that he did give you all he could but sadly it wasnt enough. I believe it was this way with my ex too. She did the best she could but it wasnt enough for me. It is very sad, but there it is.

[BlueRose66]

What were his explanations for not staying over? Besides being uncomfortable out of his own environment? Do you think he has issues with commitment or intimacy?

[Springs]

What were his explanations for not staying over? Besides being uncomfortable out of his own environment? Do you think he has issues with commitment or intimacy?

 

It's very difficult for me to understand, because it was something that I always loved and needed from him. He just said that it was nothing to do with me and not to take it personally. We slept in the same bed together on holiday and other times and there were no problems then. The intimacy side of things was absolutely fine and we were intimate with each other regularly, I can say it has nothing to do with that. I think it just comes down to him being very inflexible. He said he needed a full night's sleep and he wasn't used to sleeping beside someone else and he couldn't relax if he wasn't at home. What he is going to do when he is married is beyond me. It hurt my feelings very much and I began to think I couldn't deal with feeling rejected by my boyfriend like that anymore.

[BlueRose66]

I meant emotional intimacy. Its just a hunch but try googling emotionally unavailable and see what you find. I may be wrong but there is something here that doesnt seem right to me. I think the reason why is that sleeping near another person is an act of vulnerability. It is letting our guard down and not staying in control.

 

His getting up and leaving says to me that he wanted to stay in control. I didnt like staying at my ex's as much as I liked being in my own bed, but I did do it.

 

I may be way off, but ????

[BlueRose66]

What other things were there Springs? I have to go out but will check back later.

[Springs]

I meant emotional intimacy. Its just a hunch but try googling emotionally unavailable and see what you find. I may be wrong but there is something here that doesnt seem right to me. I think the reason why is that sleeping near another person is an act of vulnerability. It is letting our guard down and not staying in control.

 

His getting up and leaving says to me that he wanted to stay in control. I didnt like staying at my ex's as much as I liked being in my own bed, but I did do it.

 

I may be way off, but ????

 

Hmmm, I never really considered that before. To be honest though, he was very open about his feelings and he was very affectionate in terms of telling me how he felt about me. He would let his guard down many times..for example..I remember he cried at an emotional message I wrote in a birthday card for him once, and he didn't feel ashamed. We knew each other so well. He knew he could trust me with vulnerable feelings. I do think that in his case, it is literally a physical thing of needing to be in his own environment. It is odd and not something I identify with at all.