emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 BACKGROUND: dated for about 16 months. never lied cheated,nothing. we had some ups and downs but never anything terrible. we broke up once before during a stupid fight. he told me that he wanted space then and begging him won't do anything.. he said his trust was broken and it would take a lot of time to build it up. but i begged him for 5 days and then i sat fine, i did everything i could bye. ...4 hours alter he came back asking for me. I broke up with him oct 8th. We were both under so much pressure and the stress changed us.. I just needed time but i never intended on losing him completely, and he knows that, but still says that he wants to move on. I can't tell if he's just saying it because he wants to see if i'll actually build his trust up or not. This past weekend i saw him and everything was the same, we were laughing and talking for hours. we even hooked up (which i regret) Then he kept texting me and bringing up inside jokes and stuff. when i asked if he would just let me know if he hooks up with anyone else, he freaked out saying he should be able to without it affecting me. i told him I'm sorry and i couldn't help how i felt. we told each other that we still have feelings for each other and he has been there for me the past couple days because I've had some deaths. I know he's still in love with me. Does he actually want to move on? Does he want me to build up his trust? every time he said he doesn't want a relationship ..he always says "right now" Should i just stay his friend for now and try to work my magic? haha he's still attracted to me and everything just probably feels a little betrayed. he told me through texting that he loves talking to me still and really cares about me. i need advice, i don't want to mess this up anymore. Link to comment
foolish1985 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Why was his trust broken? It doesn't become clear. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 trust was broken because i broke up with him i guess. & i am 19 and he is 18... & please don't give me the "yyoure so youngggggggg" thing. I've heard it and I'm asking for help, not to be told just to move on. Link to comment
DN Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 The problem with breaking up with someone is that they get very concerned that you will do it again. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 i know i know ): what should i do!!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Well, due to the recent "hook up", you kind of lost the power here. You were broken up --- and a hook up is a band aid, but doesnt' mean you are back together. He in no way owes you a "status update" of whether he is with other women. Soooooo, you don't hook up any more, and disappear from his life for a while --- because he can't miss you if you are not gone. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 i know i get that.. but he said he wants to be friends, and i know he really means it. i think if i show him the girl he fell in love with, and try to show him he can still trust me it will work.. I'm just scared to get hurt. After we broke up we spoke about once a week.. and it killed us. we miss each other so much. and it's so annoying because he admitted the relationship isn't broken but his trust is. i don't get it, we are both in love with each other, and we make each other so happy, and were so attracted to each other...why do we have to do this? this is a stupid question..but how do you rebuild trust? Link to comment
turnera Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 You go back to being friends so he can see the real you. And let it proceed from there. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Right -- friends without benefits. Which means you and he get to date other people --- because you are no longer in a relationship. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 yeah i know, i get that.. but i don't even want to date anyone else.. we are just friends though. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Right, and you don't ask you other guy friend to let you know when they hook up. By breaking up w/ someone, you break the original trust of the relationship. So, should you get back together, how do they know you won't cut and run again. They don't. So, you have to go back to being friends only, and show in little ways (which could take years), that you are worthy of their trust. Which is why some people find it easier to just move on. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 ugh. i don't wanna give up.. what do you think he's doing by what I've told you? Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Well it's up to you how you handle stress. You said the main reason you broke up was because you couldn't handle the pressure. He's probably concerned that you will do this again when you feel stressed. You probably should have just talked to him about your stress instead of breaking up with him. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 He's thinking that every time the world gets a bit much for you, you are going to take it out on him. Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. How do you let him see that -----only time. What he is doing, is getting on with his life. He'll hook up with you, no strings attached, because that way, you are not in a relationship with him. He doesn't want to deal w/ the outfall of your drama and emotions. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 then why is he insisting that we stay friends? and constantly bringing up memories of the past? i know he's trying to move on but just by the way he says and does things leads me to believe he doesn't actually want to let me go. Link to comment
sonypirates Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Why would he want to fully let go if you're giving him both sex and friendship? Most guys love casual and that's what that is, casual. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Well be straight up Emily. Maybe you should just tell him you want more than friendship and if he can't he'll have to go bye bye's. Just tell him that you know that you should have talked to him before breaking up with him, but you didn't and your sorry. Because in his mind, he's probably thinking "Why does she get to call all the shots? First she breaks up with me, then she wants to get back together" no I don't want too. She doesn't get to make that decision. So he's still holding onto you in a way as he's not ready to let you go, but still not ready to come back. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Why would he want to fully let go if you're giving him both sex and friendship? Most guys love casual and that's what that is, casual. Bingo. He's not ready to come back, and with a few words, he keeps you on the line. Your option ---- walk away. Or, settle for crumbs. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 probably, i told him i was sorry and i know he believes me.. he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He agreed that if we are friends with benefits we shouldn't hookup with anyone else.. but i don't even want that.. i don't want to feel like an object and I'm being used. so we won't hookup. i told him we should take it day by day to see what happens. how to i help ensure him that we can be okay? just being his friend? I'm going to community college next semester (and he's a hs senior) so i'll be home.. he's also getting surgery because he tore his acl and when i said ill bring him a balloon after the surgery he didn't oppose. it's like he doesn't want me but does at the same time. how do i make him want me! Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Listen. You can't. He wants FWB - you dont (by the way, good for you. Shows a bit of self-esteem). Taking it day by day means you are friends. And he gets to hook up --- as he DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP NOW. Listen to what he said. You will not change his mind. Only he can -- by you not "being there" for him. Walk away. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Emily nobody can tell you how to get him back. Even tho that seems to be your main goal, your missing the points entirely of what everyone is saying to you. You need to go back through the thread and read each suggestion that each poster has said. Your focused on so much on how to get him back, instead of working on yourself. Link to comment
turnera Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Lots of people, once they get a reprieve, decide they really DO want to try out more partners. Let him. Do it yourself. And if you have a habit of running when stress gets too bad, consider going to therapy to learn better coping mechanisms. Link to comment
emily2424 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 i actually DID go and see someone...and before i did i was more on the side of just being friends. but he made me realize i do want to get back with him. so i made up my mind.. i DONT want to get back with him right now...just because it's too soon but eventually i want to try to work things out. Link to comment
DN Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 i actually DID go and see someone...and before i did i was more on the side of just being friends. but he made me realize i do want to get back with him. so i made up my mind.. i DONT want to get back with him right now...just because it's too soon but eventually i want to try to work things out.Don't assume he will be available. Link to comment
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