AnnaN Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I've recently broke up, it's been almost a week. I'm 27, by ex is 31. My boyfriend dumped me after 4 years of a perfect relationship because he wanted to be alone and figure out aother things in his life, like career etc and that 4 years was enough for him he wants to live as a single now, no women around for the next year. We had the perfect relationship from the very first moment, I had never felt that way before. We spent 4 amazing years, he was everything I ever wanted, we felt each other as soulmates. And he was saying he was feeling the same. It was like this till the night before the break up, we were making plans for the Christmas holidays. And the next day he said he loves me, is in love with me like the very first day, we had a great relationship but he doesn't want to be in a relationship any more. I know he had a fear for commitments, he wasn't ready for any further step, but I never asked him to, I never cared about this stuff, I just wanted to be with the love of my life. So, I thought I had found love, and now I lost it. How can I hope that I will find it again? I had such a nice relationship with someone that I thought he had everything I wanted. I don't have the strength to search for love again. When I think I have found it, it may be over again, out of the blue... I don't believe there's something out there for me any more... Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Sorry to hear this happened. I don't know what caused him to do this, but I think, breaking up with someone to focus on his career seems like a pretty drastic thing to do. There must have been some other key factors besides what you have mentioned in this thread for the break up. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Hate to be harsh, but while the relationship was perfect for you, it wasn't for him. People don't break up out of the blue, they've been thinking about it for a long time. And people that are really in love don't leave their partners. People promise all sorts of stuff when they leave, like they won't date etc. It is meaningless. It's just meant to make the dumpee feel better and the dumper not look like the bad guy. Give yourself some time to heal, a lot of it actually.It takes significant time to recover from a breakup of a serious relationship. It will totally suck for some time, but you will get better. And slowly the feelings will pass. If you give yourself the time and space to heal, the next relationship will be the better for it. And I promise you there is someone out there who will love and chersish you for who you are. Best of luck. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 that's what he said, he was always anxious for his career that wouldn't move on as he wanted but he also said that he wants to be alone, he was never been in such a long relationship, 4 years were ok, but he wants to live differently now. All these, with no previous sign, he was still buying me flowers and birthday presents (i had my birthday a week before that) and he was looking for a trip to go together on winter holidays, the previous night... Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 that's what he said, he was always anxious for his career that wouldn't move on as he wanted but he also said that he wants to be alone, he was never been in such a long relationship, 4 years were ok, but he wants to live differently now. All these, with no previous sign, he was still buying me flowers and birthday presents (i had my birthday a week before that) and he was looking for a trip to go together on winter holidays, the previous night... Unfortunately in relationships, what people say doesn't always match what they really think. You can never really know someone, you can only know what they choose to show you. I was engaged to be married and we were planning things right up to the bitter end. Then she left. And a few months later she was dating someone else. Just as he lied about his intentions with you, he's lying about staying single. Heck, it may even be what he believes right now but it won't last. Thats why it's best to move on. Let the future take care of itself but for right now, you need to work on healing yourself. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Eocsor I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know that it is possible that all these were lies. It might be easier if I knew there was another woman or something like that, to have something to hate him... I am just still in shock as for me it was very sudden, my life changed in one moment. I wish he had told me about the reasons he wanted to break up with me or given me a sign that this is not going to work so I'd be prepared. I really want to move on, but I feel I can't unless I believe that I could find love again, not now, but I want just to believe it. Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Commitment. Either he has someone in his life or the thought of going one step further scares him to death. Whether that's from his past experience or the way he grew up (parents divorced etc) he can only come up with an excuse to leave the relationship. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Eocsor I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know that it is possible that all these were lies. It might be easier if I knew there was another woman or something like that, to have something to hate him... I am just still in shock as for me it was very sudden, my life changed in one moment. I wish he had told me about the reasons he wanted to break up with me or given me a sign that this is not going to work so I'd be prepared. I really want to move on, but I feel I can't unless I believe that I could find love again, not now, but I want just to believe it. I have had two long term relationships of a decade plus each end. After my divorce I found love again. And after my fiance left I'm sure I will again. It just takes time and a bit of luck. The one thing life has taught me is there is no "one and only". There are many. Every one of my friends who has gone through divorce has moved on and found love again. So I can safely state that you will too if you let it happen. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I'm pretty sure you will find love again depending on what your requirements of love entails, but right now and for who knows what length of time, you will need to avoid anything related to it. It's only been a week and you were the one dumped without wanting this to happen which makes the break up hard to get over. Right now, you just have to ride out the hurt you feel which can often feel like forever. Link to comment
april15 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Anna, This is all very sudden and out of the blue. You are going to need time. After you move through your grief of losing the love you cherished above all, you will have acceptance of the break-up. This does not mean you will be "all-right" or "OK" with losing your love but that you are accepting the reality that he is gone. There is no timetable on how long it will take to resolve your grief, could be two weeks could be two years, everyone is different. There is not a lot you can do as I am sure you have read on this site. Deal with your grief, understand it will take time, do the best you can to be the best you can be, take it one day at a time and move forward in YOUR life. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I was also engaged to be married and we had everything planned, even our honeymoon was booked. He broke up with me two days after his sister's wedding and a month later was dating the maid of honor from that wedding. Talk about a sucker punch to the gut. This was back in July. You know what though? I'm dating someone new and I feel something for him that I never really did for my ex. That X factor is definitely there this time around. I know now that I wasn't supposed to marry my ex. You will find love again, I promise. It doesn't feel like it now and it certainly didn't for me back then, either. My advice to you is to go complete no contact. It's the only way you'll be able to move forward effectively. I deleted all of my ex's friends and family from FB, too. I wanted to know nothing, not who he was with, or where he went, because it would just drive me crazy and I would have read into everything. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I know the pain feels completely unbearable at times. But I agree with the others not to really believe or read too much into what people tell you as they're breaking up with you. My ex went from planning a wedding one minute to dating someone else the next. It happens and it sucks, but you have to be prepared for it. Please just remember it's not a reflection on you or your value. You are worthy of love and you will find it again. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Thank you for the replies. I feel sorry that there are many people who share this kind of experience... I have lost my trust for people and love right now. I hope it will change soon and I will love and be loved again. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 People change. I know what's it like to think you've found something so special and so unique just to have it blow up in your face. But it's not the end of the world. Give yourself the time to move forward with your life and to put the past behind you before moving on. ~ Link to comment
Autumnleaves Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's only natural that you have lost your trust towards people. It will get better, I know that's hard to take in right now when your pain is so raw. Take it one day at a time & work through it in your own way & at your own pace. Link to comment
dobbin Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Anna, my breakup is only 2 weeks old. i just had a good old cry as to where it all went wrong. we had a vacation planned and i broke up with him the day before we were supposed to leave. we were planning christmas and new year getaways together very recently as well. my point is you never know what people will say and do to/with you, but you only know things as they choose the reveal them to you. it was a shock for me as it is for you. it took me a week to absorb such shock and then anger came and then i panicked about all the things i was going to have to face (moving out, finding a new place, transferring the car, the pets, the furniture, the finances, the lost vacation money, people all around me asking questions and of course the crazy emotions of being a fool thinking we were going to be together for the rest of our lives) because he never gave me any signs of potential breakups. instead he told me he just wanted to come home to me. so we are in the same boat. but you know what? i keep reading stories on ENA and many people go through much worse breakups than my/your situation and they all offer their support and stories of hope and happiness. we need to keep our heads up and know that there is always hope our there no matter how low we feel at times. Link to comment
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