Really cannot grasp this

[Cookie7780]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new this forum. I really need some advice on this and how to deal. Sorry about the lengthyness of this post.

 

So my boyfriend and I have been dating just over 3 years. He's 28 and I am 31. I would really have to say that the 3 years have been great. We got along well, his family loves me, my family loves him. Marriage has always been discussed. In fact, we've even gone as far to discuss the details of the wedding, type of ring and the type of house that we want. If anything, he has discussed us getting married even more than I have with coworkers and friends. It was no secret that both of us wanted to be married.

 

The last two months have been a little shaky. He's taken on a lot more extra stuff with work and outside of work activities. I hardly saw him at all in the last three weeks and it's been upsetting me. We had a conversation about this on Saturday night. I finally got it out of him. He said he's scared to death of marriage and does not know what to do. Unfortunately that lead me to be upset and it really didn't go anywhere.

 

We ended up talking face to face on Sunday. He said that he is extrememely overwhelmed right now with everything in his life and he feels that the weight of the world is on his shoulders. He told me that he was ready to propose to me last June. He was going to get the ring and everything. He was telling people about his plan for proposing and instead of feeling excited about it, he felt this feeling of dread. He said he thought to himself, well give it more time so he did. He said he knew that I wanted be engaged and by the time September rolled around that he felt guilty about not being able to do it. He's got a lot of issues going on with his family. I've always been there for him to help him deal with those. He's taken on so much more at work. I felt it was a way to avoid me. He's also been ignoring his family. He told me that he has no outlet. Nowhere to go where he finds joy and a way to de-stress. He's never been good with stress. But, he never told me any of this until now. He said that he needs to "take a break" to fix things and sort out his feelings and prioritize. He asked me if I wanted to experience this problem if we were married. Of course I said no. He said that this time apart to "sort things out" could take a week, a month or even 5 months. He couldn't even give me a timeline. I was extrememly upset when we were discussing this. For someone who is supposed to be my best friend and soulmate, how can they even suggest taking a break? He said that it doesn't mean that the relationship is over, it means that he needs to time to sort things out.

 

Is this a cop out to avoid the inevitable? How can someone who writes in a card 2 months ago that they cannot wait to start a family, build a house, and grow old together suddenly change those feelings? Am I being paranoid about this? Is this a good thing? I am just so upset right now and really do not know what to do. He said he was doing this to protect me. How is this protecting me when it's breaking my heart?

[YakasJourney]

It's a tough situation for you, but from the sound of it...it at least seems like he is being honest. You should make sure that those feelings he expressed are still real...and if they are, you should give him his space and be there for him. Marriage is a huge commitment. My friend took 6 years to propose to his GF..during that time he got his life together and waited until he was ready. They are now married and happy. So don't write things off yet. If your gut feeling is that you have a solid relationship together, then just be there for him.

[Ms Darcy]

I doubt you would actually do this - it's hard. But I woud break up with him.

 

I would thank him for telling me his concerns and then tell him what you need. You need a partner who can learn to deal with issues within a relationship, knowing how to de-stress himself and communicating his needs. An indefinite break is not healthy for you and you need to move on.

 

If he loves you and has a brain in his head, he'd come back eventually.

[Cookie7780]

Yakasjourney, did your friend have doubts with his gf at the time? Did they take a break from the relationship?

[Cookie7780]

Sorry, meant to put this here. Yakasjourney, did your friend have doubts with his gf at the time? Did they take a break from the relationship?

[offplanet]

In my opinion it's due to a strange phenomena called being double minded. A person can feel 2 different things at 2 different times, ie. "i want to get married"/"I don't want to get married". Sometimes it's because they get caught up in what others around them want and expect, and go along with it all because of the natural human instinct to fit in. In the cold light of day, alone in one's room, the thing one has been enthusiastic about suddenly seems depressing and dreadful. Some people are not always upfront about what they're thinking and feeling every minute, so when they finally do come out with a statement such as "I don't want to get married", it seems to the other person to have come out of nowhere. But it has been there, just not expressed. He's got himself into a fix, because at some stage he thought he wanted to get married. Maybe he did, or maybe he thought he should want to feel that way. Maybe he talked about it to others trying to convince himself that he wanted it. Maybe he sometimes liked the idea, and sometimes not. Once marriage has been discussed by all parties, its horrendously difficult to go against the tide and verbalize the shocking truth that one is having doubts. It's easier to keep quiet and hope those doubts go away. It seems like he felt extremely pressured to get engaged to you, because he knew you 'wanted to be engaged by September'. The whole thing has escalated in his mind to the point where he can't bear the pressure and has to get away.

 

I don't know if he will ever want to get married to you. I don't know if he ever really did, or was just trying to make you happy because you wanted it. If that is the case, he's unlikely to want it in the future. In any case, it would be best to give him his freedom now. I don't know what else to suggest. I just think it's totally understandable that someone could one day say they were looking forward to getting married, and another day say they're scared to death of it and need a break. Both can be 'true'. However, if it were me, I wouldn't wait around for him.

[kaibutsu]

Offplanet has a really good point and it does seem to fit the situation. Were it me, I would give him the space he needed to work things out but not wait around for him to figure it out. If he comes back before you've moved on, then great, but if not, then you've saved yourself some heartache waiting around for something that isn't going to happen. Also, pulling back and giving him space like that may very well cause him to be pulled right towards you again. People are funny that way. And by funny I mean it's weird but it seems to be the case for many.