Did I do the right thing?

[Rysen]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I've posted anything, but, things have been going really well for me. I had an epiphany one night, where I realised that by staying friends with my ex I was only hurting myself. I instituted NC, blocked and deleted her from my MSN list, have been moving on, feeling a whole lot better, and not missing her or thinking about her as much . I'm even seeing someone new, although it hasn't developed much and is still new, I can definitely see the potentional.

 

In any event, I told my ex the last time I saw her (a few weeks ago), that it would be the last time I would see her before she left for University. I wished her luck, and said good-bye. That's the night I blocked and deleted her, etc. etc. I had been doing so well, until she e-mailed me a few nights ago declaring that she was seeing someone new, but also wrote a fairly long e-mail about how proud she was of me for making it to college, (My family isn't well off at all, and it took a year off, and a lot of hard to work in order for me to earn enough money.), how much I've grown since she's met me, and a lot of other really nice things that I really took to heart.

 

The good news: It didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would knowing that she's seeing someone new. In fact, I found myself just wondering what the point was that she felt she had to tell me. I guess she would rather I hear it from her than someone else, but really, I just want to move on...and not drag things on anymore. I told her this in my reply, but I also gave her my congratulations. (I know, nice guy syndrome

 

But at the end of the e-mail, on advice from her best friend, I decided that I should tell her that I'm not ready to be her friend yet. I told her that since our break up I have always tried my best to be there for her and keep her happy (if you click on my profile and read my previous posts, you'll see that i was always there at her every beg and call), and that in the end I was only hurting myself. I finally decided that we needed time apart. I told her how amazing I thought she was, and that I still think the world of her, but until I'm completely healed that it would be best if we didn't stay in contact. My feeling is that...one day we'll be able to come together with a clean slate, and start over as friends.

 

I did it nicely, (I actually saved a copy for myself if anyone wants to read what I wrote), I wasn't mean or a jerk about it, I made sure that she understood I wasn't punishing her, hated her, or resented her in any way and I made it so I didn't come off as though I was still crying every night (which I'm not) and at no time did I ask for her back. I just asked for time a part so I could move on. I also wished her the very best of luck at University and told her I hoped for nothing but the best for her.

 

She didn't reply, but, she did make a comment on my Live Journal under a University entry (the night I sent the e-mail) wishing me luck.

 

But now I'm feeling like I made a huge mistake. I find I miss her a lot right now...and am just wondering if I did the right thing. I know that I'm not ready to hear about the new boyfriend yet, and if she were to ask for me back, I know that I would say yes. I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance that this was the right thing to do, because at the time I felt so sure that it was...but now I'm second guessing it.

 

Thanks everyone for reading and/or replying. It's nice to have a place that you can vent your feelings to.

Cheers,

Rysen

[rich46]

Did you do the right thing? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! image removed

 

You know yourself that you have done the right thing, and you sound like a really smart guy! I have done the same thing as you, and I also get doubts from time to time, but the harsh reality is that you can't be friends with your ex straight after a break up. No way. I sometimes feel bad because she was my best friend, but you have to be a little bit selfish right now. Do you seriously want to know the details of her relationship with this new guy? She will almost certainly be quick to tell you how wonderful he is...so stay away until you are completely over her.

 

You are doing everything right, and you seem to be on the road to recovery...so keep on walking!

 

Good luck,

 

Rich image removed

[uj2004]

Been in a similar (similar but very different, as every case is!) situation myself. I think it is a lot harder to try and maintain the friends thing if you are the dumpee. I find whenever I hear from her, it gives me one of two things, a. false hope, b. anger. I think while you want to keep the contact with the person, when they do tell you things, it just brings you down. I'm not over the person in my case, and I have about 8 emails in my drafts folder, all saying how much I hate her, ect. I should send one, someday, but I hold out hope for her realizing I am the right one for her, ect. And you know that day will never come....but your heart has trouble seeing it.

 

So no, you didn't do the wrong thing, and as everyone says on here, she knows where to get in touch with you if she wants to.

[Rysen]

Thanks for the quick replies You both have made me feel a lot better about it.

 

Rich:

Did you get a reply from her? I didn't...so I think that's what's bothering me is that I don't know how she took it. I'm extremely close to her best-friend and could ask, I suppose, but I really don't want her friend involved anymore. I know she probably didn't take it well, and I can just picture her crying as she was reading it...it kills me to see her hurt in any way y'know? But you're right. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself, and this is what I need to do to move on.

 

uj2004:

I completely understand what you mean about the two feelings that her contacting you gives you. For me it was either false hope, or hurt. Some times she would act like I was incredibly important, and it would feel like we were still together (false hope), and then the next time I would see her, she would ignore me, and act completely indifferent towards me. (hurt).

And I also understand about maintaing that hope...that's another part of why I have doubts. I wonder if that because of this, I have closed the door on all chance of reconciliation....but I suppose at the end of the day, there comes a point where we all either get what we want, or take that last step needed to move on.

 

Thanks guys. You really helped me feel better. I hope you guys feel better soon too.

Cheers,

Rysen

[rich46]

Rich:

Did you get a reply from her? I didn't...so I think that's what's bothering me is that I don't know how she took it. I'm extremely close to her best-friend and could ask, I suppose, but I really don't want her friend involved anymore. I know she probably didn't take it well, and I can just picture her crying as she was reading it...it kills me to see her hurt in any way y'know? But you're right. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself, and this is what I need to do to move on.

I called her and told her, rather than email. We both cried but she said she understood. Like you I would look forward to speaking to her but then I would be given false hope, or I would feel angry/upset. It has been about a month since I called her. She has contacted me once to ask me about travel insurance (!) as she was going to Dublin with her new friend. I was friendly and gave her the info she needed, so there's no bad blood between us. But I am glad that I don't have to listen to what a great time she had in Dublin, all the Irishmen chatting her up etc. Ignorance is bliss - I'd prefer not to know!

 

So have no regrets about your decision. Yes she may well have been upset when you emailed her saying you couldn't be friends, but deep down she will understand. It's a lot better this way, as she will have fond memories of you. If you stayed in touch, you wouldn't be able to heal as quickly, and some negative feelings may have ended up spilling out, i.e. anger, frustration, clingyness etc.

 

So good luck. It's natural to miss her like mad, but rest assured you are doing the right thing.

 

Rich

[reflex]

Rysen u did the right think, im trying to tell me ex that i wont N/C as she keeps tellin me about how she is seein. if u dont mind i wood like to read what u said to your ex as it may help me out in some way? i think u did the best thing doing the N/C and then maybe in time u can have a good friendship o now i will some day with my ex as we were grate friends b4 we went out. u will fill down sometimes as u cant just pick up teh phone as speak or give a small email. i now this will be hard 4 me but it has to be done, so are friendship does not suffer.

u sound like a such a nice bloke and im sure you will find happyness soon.

 

take care Reflex

[dontknowwhattodo]

I am proud of you! You did the right thing.

[savannahohsavannah]

You did the right thing. Sometimes NC is the only way to go, especially early on. Just be glad that you are in different schools so you don't have to worry about running into her.

And just remember, there are plenty of other fish in the ocean!

 

[daredevil]

Yeah there isn't just a bucket full of them, there is a country full of them 8) Good luck mate.. u did the right thing

[Rysen]

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and support. I am so happy that I found this forum at the time that I did, because it has been a tremendous help to me in these hard times. It is truly inspiring to see so many strangers all around the world reach out and try to help each other in any way that they can.

 

reflex:

I've sent you a PM with the relative parts that wrote.

 

Thanks again everyone.

Cheers,

Rysen