I have nobody to talk to ...

[KeepMe]

Today was probably the worst day that I have ever had, a heated argument between my boyfriend and it went south really fast. My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, everyone compliments us and says that we are a great couple together. My boyfriend has always been a great guy and everyone tells me how lucky I am. He is very sweet, he does the little things for me as well as the big things. He'll surprise me with stuff if I'm having a bad day, anything that I need help with he jumps right to it, and he goes out of his way for me.

 

Long story short there are a few things that I do not like about him. If we get into an argument he'll really try and press the issue until I can't take it anymore. If I try and leave the room we are in he'll corner me to where I can't exit while still pressing his side of the story from the argument. If I'm sitting and try and get up he'll put his hand on my shoulder and push me (not hard) back down but ultimately won't let me get up until I hear his side of the issue and I talk the argument out with him. For me, I have some anger issues and I feel much better removing myself from the problem and going to a room where I can cool off by myself and then come back and talk about it on my own terms. I've told him from the day we ever had our first argument that I prefer not to talk about our issue right then and there but would rather be left alone until I'm ready to talk.

 

Today we had a silly argument and I just couldn't take anymore of him. I couldn't get out of my seat to get away from the arguing and he kept trying to talk over me and yell at me that I just snapped and I yelled "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" At the same time he screamed "NO!" and I turned away and he decided to continue to scream over me so that I couldn't get a word in and I would just have to "sit there" and take his yelling until he got his point out. I shouldn't have but with all the anger that I had building up, there was a box on my desk, I angrily swiped it off the desk aiming for the floor. The box lightly tapped his shoulder as it whizzed past him and he caught it from the floor. It was one of those flip open boxes for example like a breadstick box how it has a lid that folds over. As soon as it tapped his shoulder he grabbed it by the lid and hit me accross the face with it. Immediately he through the box down when I covered my face and he hugged me and said "No, no, oh my god, I'm so sorry." I told him to get out several times and that the relationship was over. It really hurt because he hit me as hard as he could, I'm a tiny girl and it felt like I had hit a brick wall. My lips were swollen and instantly turned a deep red like blood rushed to the surface but didn't break skin.

 

Of course he didn't leave and he begged for forgiveness over and over and over. Eventually after a few hours went by we started talking things over and he said he'll never touch me again. He said even if it means me walking out of the room or walking out on him for good, no matter what he'll never lay a hand on me for any reason what so ever. He's never been angry with me like this and he's never done this sort of thing or even scream at me like he did. I'm willing to give him one more shot but I'm feeling this empty void. Like our relationship has turned completely and changed and I don't feel the same.

 

I just wonder if anyone else has experienced this and did they tell you the abuse would stop and did it actually stop? Also do you ever really get over the "changed" feeling? Is this a feeling that will carry on with me or will it eventually go away? I've never dealt with this before and never had anything like this happen in any of my relationships, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Looking for all the help I can, please.

 

Thank you for reading

[turnera]

Abusers work in cycles. They have a 'bag of tricks' they pull from to keep you in line: anger, manipulation, self pity, guilt, begging...they'll keep pulling from the bag until they find the trick that works THAT time.

 

Tomorrow, go to the library or book store and get this book; it's the bible of abuse victims. In it, you'll be able to figure out if he is indeed an abuser, and what to do next. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.

 

On a bigger picture, I tell people like you to picture your mom. I assume she was relatively good and loving and wanted the best for you, right? If so, picture yourself telling her what he has done so far and how you FEEL right now. What would she tell you to do? How would she feel about your man? I'm fairly hopeful that she would tell you that marriage is not an institution in which the female has to feel BAD.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Both of you have anger issues and communication problems. While on the surface his general aggressiveness is a bad sign (pushing you down to listen to him, not allowing you to walk out of the room), on the flip side, your method of dealing with strife (walking away) could be seen as dismissive of him. In other words, both of you are trying to exert control over the other. You do it by walking away and wanting to discuss things on your terms only. By walking away he clearly feels he is not being heard and that you don't want to listen to his side of the story. So he gets aggressive in order to make you stay and listen to his side. Both of you have inappropriate and dysfunctional communication skills which have ultimately led to this kind of more violent showdown as to who would get ultimate control. Both of you could benefit from conflict resolution and anger management workshops.

[turnera]

In the meantime, practice this one thing: every time you feel like you are being put on the spot, leave the room. That's it. You have the RIGHT to leave the room when you feel uncomfortable. If he tries to make an issue out of you leaving the room, get together a 'rescue bag' of several days' clothes, cash, toiletries, and anything else important (bank account numbers, etc.), and keep it stashed in the trunk of your car or, if you don't have a car, by the front door so you can make a quick exit.

[turnera]

btw, his anger is escalating because he feels like he's losing control of you AND losing the ability to control the fate of his marriage. So he escalates.

[hopelessincan]

ugh. Sounds familiar, except my bf reacts like you do and I react like your boyfriend. It is communication issues for sure. Have you had discussions with each other as to why you react the ways that you do?

We have and he says he walks away so he doesnt say anything he will regret. I get in his face because I am afraid of him leaving and need to resolve it asap so I know we are fine.

We had acknowledged each others feelings and were doing quite well trying to react differently...and it was working until 3 days ago and now I am getting the complete silent treatment without so much of a screw you text. Its as though i no longer exist.

I would suggest you two look into counselling or some kind of conflict management. As much as you both might want to fix it sometimes it is very difficult without outside help.

I am thinking the same for my relationship, but I think its way too late for us now. II dont think there is an us anymore.

 

Those feelings you have will eventually go away if you truly love him, you just have to be willing to forgive and start over.

[hopelessincan]

btw, his anger is escalating because he feels like he's losing control of you AND losing the ability to control the fate of his marriage. So he escalates.

hmmmm interesting thought....

[turnera]

Really? You hit your partner accross the face with objects?

[hopelessincan]

i hope you are being sarcastic. I thought it was pretty obvious what I meant.

To clarify:

I need to discuss the issue immediately. He needs to walk away and cool down.

Give me a break.

[turnera]

*shrug*

 

YOU said it was communications issues.

 

Hitting someone is not communications issues.

[annabella87]

Your bf has anger and control issues. If you want to walk away to think about something he should not be forcing you to sit down and listen to him...this is emotional abuse as well as physical.

You have the right to walk away and he should respect that. I was in a relationship with a boy..and I say "boy" for good reason..similar to him and after I put up with it for almost a year...it ended in him threatening to punch me in the face. He even raised his fist. Your bf hit you. As hard as it might be..because you are in an abusive relationship..you have to find the courage to leave.

If you don't leave, please, tell someone you trust immensely that you are afraid.

If you weren't afraid of him...you would have left already.

No one, and I mean NO ONE deserves this.

This is likely to escalate, and it might end very badly. If it doesn't escalate..even if it stays the same. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't allow you simple freedoms? There are plenty of men out there who will love just the way you are, even if you walk away from discussions...

My advice is to break it off. But if you absolutely have to stay...definitely get some couple's counselling in so that you two are able to communicate without ending in abuse.

I know he hit you out of anger...but that's exactly why you should be afraid. Anger is unpredicatble and you never know when he might get set off again..and if you ignore it like it never happened he will start to think he can get away with it.

An abuser's words are always "it will never happen again"... they honestly don't think it will... but you can't trust it. He should have never even THOUGHT about laying his hands on you EVER.

Good luck with it. =)

[TriNegativity]

Hello, I'm new here but couldn't help but comment on this post.

The poster above me was absolutely right when they said that abuse and abusive relationships often occur in cycles. The cycle begins with a "honeymoon period", in which everything is seemingly perfect. Slowly tension beings to build, beginning with little things, like arguments about the amount of time spent together. As this occurs, controlling behavior begins to present itself, anything from demanding changes in hair and clothing styles to physically bullying the significant other(often by invading personal space or purposefully making them uncomfortable). Finally, the physical abuse begins to occur, first by little things like pushing, and culminating in striking and violence.

This said, only about 1/3 of abusive relationships follow this cycle, and very few follow it exactly. It sounds as though your boyfriend has jumped ahead into the actual hitting, unless there have been other problems that you didn't mention in your original post.

The likely reason you feel that "void" is that his actions have grievously violated your trust. There is a line in every relationship that cannot be crossed without consequences, and he crossed yours. It sounds like you realize that, at least subconsciously, and that you know there is no guarantee that he will not become violent in the future.

In the cycle of violence and domestic abuse, typically when the abuse reoccurs, it gets worse.

Do not understate this. Your boyfriend not only hit you, he hit you with a weapon. This time, it was a box. But next time, it could be something more dangerous. Do not rationalize it, and above all, do not blame yourself. His actions are a result of his inability to control his anger, and have nothing to do with your actions. Regardless of what he says, you can't be sure that he won't do the same thing again. The way he would physically hold you down to keep you in place during arguments indicates that this kind of controlling behavior isn't new. As such, it is very unlikely that it will change. His refusal to leave after he hit you, even while apologizing, indicates that he cared more about staying with you than your comfort. That isn't romantic, it's a lack of respect.

Please be aware that this isn't a one time thing. It will very likely happen again. And as it is, you may very well be unable to fully trust him again. Your relationship feels completely changed because it is.

[turnera]

Here is what I call abuse: one 'give in' at a time. You're in that honeymoon period, when he finds something to comment about. Maybe it's the color you died your hair. Or the shirt that showed too much cleavage. So you stop coloring your hair, or wearing revealing clothing, even though they made you happy - you 'give in' to that one comment. You feel a little bad, but you don't know why. You assume your husband just had a bad day. You make excuses. A few days later, he finds something else to comment about - maybe you talk to your mother too much, or go out with friends too much; so you make an excuse not to go see your mom - another 'give in' - just to make him happy or not upset him. Then another. And another. And another. Until you don't even recognize yourself, and you have no faith in your own ability to make decisions; after all, every decision YOU make, he criticizes. Until you don't know yourself.

[DN]

I think this guy is abusive and has a good potential to get worse. Time to leave and don't take him back.

[thejigsup]

If any man EVER pushed me on the shoulder and made me sit when I wanted to leave, the authorities would be called. This was abuse, plain and simple. And yes, nice guys who are there for you and do all the little and big things for you CAN be abusive. LEAVE.

[triggs]

this is only the beginning, i'm afraid, if you stay. he will see it was ok . more power for next time. leave him and learn to love life with yourself and what life has to offer. someone will be proud of you and love you for you someday. I speak from way too much experience. good luck shadow of me.

[eternalsunrise]

It sounds like you both have anger and control issues. I completely understand your need to leave the room, calm down, think over things and then talk on your terms. It is a reasonable request to hear someone out and then let them know you will need processing time afterwards before you can really reply thoughtfully. If he does not respect this basic need of yours and gets pushy about it, that is unfair to you. However it sounds like he might feel like he's being dismissed...that is a HORRIBLE feeling. Reassuring, good communication is the key here to make sure both of you realize you mutually respect each other. You either work together or you push each other away.

 

Regarding the box, how can you aim for the floor but it hits a grown man's shoulder? Was he sitting on the floor? If the above respect was established, things wouldn't have gone this far. You also owed him an apology for hurling a box towards him. It may have been like flight/fight reaction for him to defend and deflect it back at you. I really don't believe he was intentionally throwing a box at your face. I would defend myself too (as an automatic reaction/flinching) if someone threw a box at me. You should apologize to him. Tell him you too are sorry and you certainly did not intend it to go towards him.

 

Having said all that, I totally agree and relate to you that once things have gone this far, it's hard to feel the same. Things are dull and lifeless. There's no faith in the bond. It doesn't seem good and healthy. If you two can identify the initial core reactions/responses and your needs, then that can lay the groundwork for how to orient to each other during a disagreement. Unless you can establish that, then this relationship is gonna go south and south. It'll just get worse. Either go see a counselor who can mediate and help navigate how to communicate better with each other. Or you will need to break up because this relationship has become abusive. It is hard to break out of that cycle and it can't be done alone (unless it's literally a breakup and you move on alone). Ok, I personally think you should leave him. The reason is, any sound reasonable person can discern when they are pushing too hard on someone yelling at them. His inability to respect your mental psychological space is awful. It's like he was trying to push your buttons till you snapped and threw the box off the desk at him. My abusive ex directly told me that he liked to push me so far to lose it. He wanted company in his crazy world.

These types of relationships are bad and it's better to not be in them at all.