Just friends or more?

[r350]

Cut to the chase.

 

Was seeing a girl for a while, at the start it was really good, but around 2-4 weeks in we were squabbling quite abit over her trust issues, commitment issues, boundary issues and other stuff, she wasnt/isnt sure on whether we are right together 'serious-relationship' wise as she 'says' she wants to settle down with someone, and she feels I am not ready for something serious and I still want to be 'playing the field'.

 

She said not long ago 'lets just be friends' which im kinda fine with for the minute (even though 'I THINK I MAY' have feelings for her and she 'MAY' have feelings for me.)

 

Then the other night I was out and I seen her, the next day she wanted me to ring her and she said she loved seeing me the night before, she misses me, misses talking to me every day, misses the way it used be at the start, misses my kisses, cuddles etc..and in a kind of jokey way she said 'should we be friends with benefits?' and then laughed. Whether it was a joke or a serious request..I have no idea. From then onwards she has been reallllly nice to me, wont stop texting me, wont stop ringing etc nd she says its nice at the moment because we are not worrying about whether we are a couple and other things etc. She said she wants me to take her to the cinema soon (which I know will lead to kissing, cuddling etc which she said she wants!) and she also wants me to take her away for the weekend. Now if shes so willing for me to take her out, cuddle, kiss and basically act like a couple, then why is she so scared of a relationship with me? I know she has serious trust issues, and it takes her a while to be able to trust anyone..But does this all sound like she's keeping me there until somebody better comes along? Or does it sound as though she wants to take things reeaallll slow before she decides if I am right for her and her 6month old daughter?

 

HELP!

[chai714]

She's leaning your way. Feed her one spoon at a time but don't give it to her all at once. Translation: hang out with her for an hour or so, then disappear for a day or two. Allow tension to build on her end then when you see her, give some tension relief by making her feel great. Forget about the title of "boyfriend," that won't matter when all she wants is you.

[r350]

So when I see/meet her should I allow her to initiate the intimate stuff?

 

Also, how do I stop me from slipping into her 'friends-zone'?

[chai714]

When you see her, pay close attention to her body language. Is it open and inviting or closed off? If she's giving you buying signals, make your move. Don't wait for her to initiate contact but if she does (rare for women, in my opinion) great.

 

To avoid the friend zone, make your motives known without telling her. Project body language that is subtly flirtacious, get her to laugh, and make her feel good about herself. Typically, I encourage going for a kiss on the first date. This eliminates dating women who are merely serial daters and/or using you for their entertainment.

[r350]

Well its always really been open and inviting right from the get-go..first EVER date when I first met her she wouldnt let go of me, lots of cuddling, kissing, intimacy etc... but when we started squabbling things were not as enjoyable, the atmosphere between us was not like it used to be and like you say, her BL seemed 'closed-off' back then.

 

But now things look alot more relaxed, casual and light and a hell of a lot more fun..she seems like she is back to her old self. Next time I see/meet her I'll keep an eye on her BL.

[r350]

Felt the need to update this for some immediate feedback so here goes;

 

Things between me and her have been going really well up until the following event(s), she dropped an almighty bombshell lastnight and now the situation with her and her ex-boyfriend seems to have made things quite tricky.

 

Basically she does not trust her ex-boyfriend (father to her child) with her 6month old girl, so every time her ex wants to see her child, she feels she has to be there with them both due to her not being able to trust him, him not really knowing what he is doing and her hating the fact she has to leave her girl in his hands. She also always says she 'hates him for what he has done/said in the past' (cheated, asked for an abortion etc) and that she 'will never forgive him'..so she travelled down there and was with him, he was with his friends, she was with hers, and she got me to call her a few times saying she felt she 'needed me' and that 'he is such a nasty person'. So the three of them were walking round town and her and her ex started arguing, she was angry with the way he was being and she stormed off, he then followed. Now lastnight she rang me and said that he said he 'is sorry for the way he was and he wants her back.' She didnt reply, but that him saying this has 'made her stop and think about how much she wants to settle down and have a family' (she wants this alot, talks about it every day etc) yet on the other hand she said to me 'I have no feelings for him, I'll never forgive him and I have moved on...' However she was also saying 'If I gave him another chance at least I could say to my little girl I tried for your sake and it didnt work.' Now all of this hurt me a little and made me angry, she has said lately how she feels I may have to 'prove' I am ready to commit and settle down with her and that she feels I can not stop going out soo much and doing whatever which makes her feel I am not ready (her words...), yet she is thinking about getting back with her ex for her childs sake, which I said was completely the wrong reason(s) and that it would only end in tears. I also added (a few too many times) that if she and her ex got back together, I would no longer be in her, or her childs life, and that I would want nothing more to do with her.

 

Then this morning she said on the phone after I asked if she had thought about getting back with him, she stated -- 'No. I dont think I am getting back with him, he does not know what he wants and he is maybe scared I have moved on, but I have to think of my child and put her first.'

 

Now..What do I do in this position? I want to let her know that if she goes back to him I will no longer be here for her like I have been, but on the other hand, I do not want to back her into a corner and force a choice out of her just yet..She seems to be thinking about it and taking his point into consideration yet I think getting back with the father to your child just because you dont want to leave the child with the father is ridiculous, considering she says she has moved on? Or am I wrong? What should I do?

[r350]

bumpety bump!! Need help on this guys!

[r350]

No help on this one?

[r350]

Lately I have been calling her alot (because she asks me to and I like talking to the girl), usually first thing in the morning or last thing at night (used to be the latter but now the first) and also recently I have got alot of stuff off my chest and made my feelings clear..I basically said, I am finding it hard to be 'just friends' with someone I have feelings for, hence why I have been abit moody lately.. and she said 'I am sick of you asking me what we are every week, I am sick of going round in circles.'.. When really if she wants me to ring her like every day, does that not mean shes interested? I feel she sends me mixed signals, she likes me as a friend, as more, less etc..it changes with each 2 or 3 days. Then when I pull her up and try to hint at what her feelings are for me, I think she feels she explained it before and she may feel slightly pressured.

 

Help.

[camus154]

I think you can do better. If you're already squabbling a handful of weeks in, I wouldn't expect it to get any better.

[r350]

The squabbles were there due to me wanting to know where I stood, her not knowing and her feeling as though she was pushed into making a decision so early on. Also her boundaries, our commitment and trust issues led us to 'squabble'.

 

Then not long ago the petty-arguments subsided, she asked if we should be 'friends-with-benefits' and it felt like there was much less pressure on us both knowing what was happening between us. Then lately I think she's felt comfortable keeping me at arms length (more than friends, but less than partners?) and I cant stand that and wanted her to know that its hard for me being in that position given my feelings. And she hasnt really replied to what I said earlier and aint talking much, other than stating 'we have been through this before, we are going round in circles etc.'

[camus154]

Well, nowhere in that do I see you being happy with the way things are right now. First issues prevented a committed relationship, now the FWB thing. Wouldn't it be far easier (and certainly more realistic) to simply say, "you know what? this isn't what I want with a woman" rather than continuing to hold out some hope that one day it might grow into that?

[r350]

Yeah you are right. I told her that I feel she played with my feelings and I did not know whether I was coming or going in terms of being more than just friends.. She says she made it clear a while back, while I feel she might of made it clear, THEN showing me signs to think otherwise. She seems quite angry I brought this up 'yet again' and I said I can not go on like this. I think we are still speaking but not on great terms.

[r350]

Sorry for the need to constantly update this thread lol..but I am at a cross-roads so to speak and could do with a little help;

 

I had 'the' phone conversation with her the other day and told her that I still 'somehow' have real feelings for her and that I can not be 'just friends' with her after everything thats happened, along with the fact I still like her. She said 'You've told me this all before, why cant you just keep this all to yourself, I have and I have dealt with it, why cant you, and if you can not be friends with someone you have feelings for then dont.'

 

So now I feel I have to have some sort of space to get over my feelings for her and for things to be healthy again, but when I do try my hardest to go NC or minimal contact, she perks up again and texts/messages me on FB saying 'Are we still speaking or what? Take it me and you are finished speaking now?' which may be to do with the fact we gave each other sooo much attention when things were good, and now I am keeping it at a minimum she wants it all back again -- & all of makes my job of getting on with things without her ten-times harder. She seems the jealous type aswell so if I had to go out and get a girl, she would observe, and get me to ring her the next day saying how 'ugly' the girl I was getting with was, that she misses me etc.

 

I am damned if I speak to her because my feelings will take longer to disappear, and if I dont speak to her, she will take it as me not wanting anything more to do with her, plus alllll contact may be lost.. How do I (a) make her realise what she lost & (b) that I need space to heal? Tell her straight up?

[camus154]

How do I (a) make her realise what she lost

 

You can't. Give up the idea that this is important because it's not.

 

& (b) that I need space to heal? Tell her straight up?

 

If you're trying NC and she keeps popping up through FB, then get rid of her ability to contact you via FB.