Daev Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Hi all. I have been reading this message board for a while now, I started reading it before I broke up with him. My ex is 31 and I am 28, we were together for 2.6 years. I finally plucked up the courage to leave him almost 2 weeks ago now. It has been really really tough emotionally, and at a couple of times I felt like I was losing my sanity. (This is a gay relationship by the way) I am writing this story mostly for myself, but if anyone would like to comment that would be appreciated. I decided to leave my ex almost 2 weeks ago, when he was at work, I went back to the flat, packed all of my things and moved back to my grandparents. The last thing I wanted to do was to end the relationship, but I couldn't go on. My ex lied so much, about most things. 1. He never opened his mail (or very rarely, which resulted in bailiffs coming to the door demanding money for non payment of bills), which was pretty scary. He had even been summoned to court for non payment of bills, yet he would always stick his head in the sand and 'ignore' the problem. Even though he has a good job and has enough money to pay the bills, he chose to ignore it and deal with things at the last minute? The more I asked him to open the mail, the more he seemed to resent me, and would sigh, and make me out to be neurotic and over the top. I was just trying to help him.. We were planning on getting a house together, so I felt like I had the right to know about his financial situation, and to help him. 2. There was this person he had been friends with for around 9 years, they were best friends, and spoke endlessly for hours on the phone, or online. My ex would always close the chat boxes when I appeared next to him, telling me that he was having a 'private conversation'. I also found various suggestive texts which said things along the lines of "i can give you what he cant" etc at the beginning of the relationship. So obviously I started to have trust issues (even though I really tried hard not to lol). Whenever I asked my ex about this guy, he became very defensive, and never introduced me to him in the whole time we were together. Yet my ex would often go and see him, and lied to me - over and over - about where he was going. I knew my ex was going to see him because he was never good at covering his tracks. The last lie he told me was that his grandma's house had been struck by lightning, and she had received severe burns, and he was going to go and see her at the weekend. I was in shock (unsure whether to believe because of all of the lies), but asked if he wanted me to come - he said no. At this point I kinda knew he was going to see this guy, and was pretty disgusted he would make up such a lie about his grandma. Other things such as going out, turning his phone off, disappearing for a night at a time, blocking me from viewing his wall on facebook for 5 months -he told me that he had disabled his wall, but I found out he hadn't, he was just hiding it from me - so he could arrange to meet his friends. He was also drinking heavily, and getting involved with drugs. To be clear, I never once tried to stop him from seeing his friends, in fact I wanted him to see them more, but he seemed to prefer lying to me. So many other things happened, and I sat down so many times with him trying to talk it through, and come up with a way forward. I used to try blaming myself (as it is easier to blame yourself as you can change you, it is harder to change others lol). And he would try for a short time and it would eventually return to normal. He is very emotionally closed, doesn't really talk about feelings and likes to spend most of his time on his laptop - as where I am quite a people person and happy go lucky etc. Leaving was so hard for me as it was my longest relationship, and I feel really tired even thinking about how it all went wrong. I am going no-contact. He tried making contact with me last week to warn me about a motorway accident (my usual route home), which I thought was sweet, and almost opened up conversation with him, but then thought better of it. Part of me really wants to go back because it was the norm, but I know I need to stay strong and remember why I did it. In a way I feel like the dumpee because I was forced in to this decision by his behaviour, over and over. I am so sorry to have gone on, that was very long winded. But I do feel a bit better for it. Thanks for reading (if you made it this far). I guess I just wanted people's thoughts on the situation. He did have good points of course, or else I wouldn't have stayed for that long, but it felt comfortable, and sometimes safe. I hadn't experienced being with someone who wanted to be with me in that way. But maybe he didn't want to be with me in that way. I am such a fool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Try not to feel bad about the fact that you ended the relationship. After everything you say above, it didn't sound like a very healthy situation to be in! It sometimes is a case of thinking 'better the devil you know' but just keep in mind the reasons for ending the relationship in the first place. There will no doubt be tough times ahead but the best thing you can do is stay NC... Well done for not opening a conversation when he contacted you... Keep that strength with you, you will need it time and time again! Anytime you feel yourself faltering, read your post above again, remind yourself of all the reasones you left, and post here for support Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drummergirl Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 He sounds like a real loser. He lied to you and cheated on you from the beginning. It might be new and different being alone for now, but it can't turn out as painful as continuing a relationship with somebody doing that stuff. We ALL have good things about us and bad things about us. So, of course there was stuff about him you loved. But that makes no difference when the bad stuff includes lying and cheating and blatantly disregarding your feelings. That stuff can't be put up with. So, yes, I can see exactly where you felt like you were forced to break up with him. It does look like the only (real or good or intelligent) choice that you had. You sound like a really honest, kind and considerate person. You deserve somebody who is the same way. It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done. The one thing I would maybe say you should be aware of going into the future is this: It's good to try not to be unreasonably insecure, but sometimes, I think that insecurities show up for a reason. Next time, if there are warning signs like that in the beginning, don't ignore them. Feelings are important. If you are frequently a jealous, insecure person then that is a sign you need to work on something in yourself or that something is REALLY wrong in your life that needs dealt with. But if you occasionally feel those things in specific situations(like when you find out your partner is getting inappropriate texts from somebody else), they may be telling you things about the situation that you need to listen to. It is easy to not listen to feelings in relationships, especially when there is so much other noise going on, but it is very important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offplanet Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 You did absolutely the right thing. In fact, it's good to hear of someone doing such a good positive thing for themselves, on this board, where so many are in relationships which are not good for them, but don't feel able to leave. If you read over some of the other posts on this subject, you will probably be able to see where you would want to advise someone to do exactly what you have done. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KYRiverGrl Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 You definitely did the right thing by leaving him ... liars and cheaters do not deserve anything good until they take the time to work on their issues. You are the stronger person here, by far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daev Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Thanks to those who took the time to read my post and reply, I appreciate it. It is tough sometimes because despite all of the terrible things that happened, sometimes, I just want to run back to it (as crazy as it sounds). In the end I really started to doubt myself, I began to think I was neurotic, or controlling, and in hindsight I can see he wanted me to believe that. In a way I guess what he did was emotional abuse, he got in whilst my guard was down and stripped me of my self belief. In the end he had me believing I was naturally insecure, and stupid. I found out that on nights out with my friends, whenever I started to speak he would roll his eyes behind my back, and say to them "Oh here he goes again"... Really undermining me. I guess when you are in the situation, or the 'eye of the storm' it is difficult to see what is actually happening. I found myself accepting ludicrous lies JUST to keep the (unhealthy) relationship going. Anything to avoid the dreaded splitting up, because I believed I would never cope. Well I am feeling quite strong today, and I would say, anyone in a similar situation DO NOT just accept lies and mistreatment. If you feel something is wrong, and the problem cannot be discussed or solved through communication, then take a deep breath and start putting yourself first. In the end I started to try and imagine my future with this person - a life of bills mounting up, debt agencies after us, losing my house, having my partner lie and disrespect me on a daily basis, and no emotional love - I said 'enough', and even thought I falter somedays I know I have done the right thing, and it always stops me from making contact. I may sound quite cold and unemotional, but I have had to be quite strict with my thought processes. As a person I am very warm, loving and open, I work with people who experience abusive relationships, so you would think I would have known better sooner. But again, thanks to those who read my story. D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I may sound quite cold and unemotional, But again, thanks to those who read my story. D Nope... You sound like someone who is going to put himself first and is going to find the strength to keep this unhealthy relationship in his past! Will you falter some days? Sure you will, we all do! I've said it before, either be sure to stay subscribed to this thread, or make a list of all the things he did that brought the end of the relationship. Everytime you question your decision to leave, take a long hard look to remind yourself! Its so easy as you go through the various stages af breaking up and moving on, to forget what was wrong in the forst place! Stay Strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daev Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Hey piglet You give good advice. I have already written out about 4 pages of really awful things he did, and I read that when I stray off track. It is so easy to look back at things with rose tinted specs. I will stay strong, or try to. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.