Helping or hurting him, he cant let me have space!

[jes777]

My partner and I were together for ten years when I ended up having an affair he found out about. I have told both parties that I need space to think about things but my childs father is taking things really badly and cant seem to cope. I know inside that the spark has gone between us and although we get on really well most of the time I see him as a brother type. I have told him I want space but he is at my house morning and night pleading with me, I wish he could just give me the space I need to reflect on things as I may feel different if he backed off but because he is in such a state I want to console and look after him. I know i should be tougher on him and tell him but thats easier said than done when he is crying in my lap. I have thought about going away for a few days with my son as that seems the only way to have some space but Im worried about leaving him alone. I am desperate for another baby and that seems to be the only thing keeping me in limbo but is it really possible to go back to a relationship that had died sexually after experiencing real intimacy with the new guy?

[Lithp]

I think you should explain to him what you just did here, if you haven't already. Tell him that you need space in order to figure out what you want for the future, and the fact that he can't give it to you is making things worse - you can't clear your mind and your heart when you steadily feel the need to comfort him. He's going against you're wishes and if he respects that you need to make the right choice, he will give you the space you've requested.

 

With that said, I really don't think that you should get back together with him if you're unhappy in the relationship and only see him as a brother - you may feel that you're desperate for another child but, as I think you know, that won't fix or change anything. It actually may end up making things worse for you and certainly for him.

 

If the only problem is that your sex life has plummeted, surely there are ways to fix that, unless you are just simply not sexually attracted to him any longer. If it's the former I think there are definitely solutions to that problem as it seems fairly common in couples who have been together for years, or who have children.

[jes777]

iT really is so hard, the old saying you have to be cruel to be kind rings true but I cant deal with seeing him so distraught. I want to tell him to stop coming around so much but I know he would get worse if he didnt get to se his son either. I want desperately to find those feelings I once had and its as if Im waiting for them to miraculously resurface even though I know they probably never will! I love this man so much but not sexually any more.

[jes777]

I wish I could say that our sex life could be saved but I know it cant. Im sat in tears as I know that this man that I love desperately will never again be what I want him to be. This hurts so much!

[Lithp]

I wish I could say that our sex life could be saved but I know it cant. Im sat in tears as I know that this man that I love desperately will never again be what I want him to be. This hurts so much!

 

Why do you say it can't be saved? Is it an issue of attraction towards him or is it that things have become dull? If you're starting to see him more like a brotherly figure and can't fathom sleeping with him ever again - that's ok. I don't think that love ever goes away, I believe it changes or evolves, and that doesn't make you a bad person. If that's the case though, you're not going to be happy being married to him if you can't see past that, and dragging it on will only make things worse for both of you.

 

I know it's going to be hard for you but I strongly suggest either telling him that he needs to give you the space, or doing what you said you might and take your son away for a few days. You need to get this sorted out and the sooner the better. Nothing's going to come of it if you don't get the space and time to clear your mind so I would start with that.

[jes777]

Thanks for stating that Im not a bad person as I do feel like a complete cow most of the time. I believe that I am not attracted to him anymore, for a long time he pressured me for sex for, what I believe were issues connected to his insecurities, and now he has pushed me so far that I just completely tense up whenever he comes near me. It has taken years for this to build up to what it is and I think itwould take a long time to undo it. Its just horrible seeing a person you love hurting so much and having the strength not to give in to their needs despite knowing your not doing it in their or your own interests. I think I will take yr advice and get away for a few days, he needs to have something else to focus on so maybe us not being around will help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

after experiencing real intimacy with the new guy?

 

You did not experience real intimacy with the new guy. You simply experienced exciting sex....cheating sex can be very exciting and addictive because it is "dangerous" (the risk of being caught) and there are no strings attached. I can pretty much bet that if you left your partner for this new guy, in a few years you will be just as sexually bored with the new guy as you are now with your current partner. You are seeing things under the fog of lust, where sex seems to be the most important thing. Stop focusing on the sex and start looking at why you got bored in the relationship. Get to the root cause of the breakdown in your relationship..the real issues, not the sex. Your partner is running after you because of your actions...he feels insecure because you cheated on him. He doesn't need your pity..what he needs is for you to get back to the partner you once were to him...and the way to get that back is to figure yourself out..why you strayed, why you are not happy within yourself and within the relationship. This has nothing to do with sex...it goes far deeper than that.

[sunnyhappydays]

Ex boyfriend seems unstable = pressuring for sex, begging and pleading at all hours. He sounds exhausting and immature.

[notimeman]

Wait...what?

 

You cheated on him and you're acting like he's at fault? That he's responsible for the lack of passion in the relationship? You broke his trust and went behind his back and had the nerve to ask for "space". If he was any kind of man he would have left you (though I'm sure the children being involved prevents him from doing so). You married this man and had children with him under the pretense that you loved him and you likely told him so, don't start making excuses about why he hasn't met your lofty expectations.

 

I find it sickening that people are even saying that he's any more responsible than you are. You seem very immature and I recommend to you consider your options.

[BrianH46]

I agree with notimeman. You waited until you got caught cheating to ask for space? Why couldn't you just tell him about your feelings and 1) work on it with him or 2) end it and then go find your space? What you did is pretty horrible and after 10 years of marriage and a child with you; how your husband is acting doesn't seem very surprising. Anyways that's my two cents, back to your original question. Yes your are hurting him by being there and consoling him, you need to cut any emotional conversation with him other than telling him exactly how you feel and that it is over between the two of you. You need to give him space if he tries to contact you ignore him. Let him hurt, let him hate you, let him heal, and eventually he'll come to realize there are woman out there who would not cheat on him. I apologize for my harsh position but infidelity is becoming all to common for the most childish of reasons. One last thing since he'll be hurting like hell, send him to ENA.

[jes777]

I would love to have had the guts to tell him it was over a long time ago but truthfully he has abit of a nasty side to him and has been emotionally abusive towards me for a long time. Unfortunately these issues have arisen from low self e steem which I recognised and tried to help with as underneath he is a good person, a great Dad and without the issues a great partner but his lack of confidence took over our relationship in many ways. I know that cheating on him was the worst thing I could have done to him because of his issues but I didnt think of the consequences, I was detached from most things emotionally at that time due to his behaviour and as I also lost my Mum the year before and hadnt taken it that well so think I went on a journey of self destruction and didnt care who I hurt. You have to understand this man has been my best friend for 10 years and I have tried to keep things as amicable as possible throughout this whole thing for his and my childs sakes but I am starting to realise that I am going to have to detach myself in order to keep all our sanity intact.

[BrianH46]

*Sigh* you don't sound like an awful person at all but what you did is just so horrible. Although I see that you have numerous factors leading you to cheat, in my opinion there is no excuse for cheating ever. You should have been better than that, stronger than that, and not give in. If you don't love someone either tell them so they can be happy else where or work on it. You chose neither and cheated.

 

Being in a relationship means commitment and being in a marriage raising a child? I don't even wanna get started on that

 

Ok with my chiding you over, my advice to you is to cut him out completely except for anything having to do with your son. He'll struggle he'll kick and he is going to refuse to let you go. But I beg you for his sake be as cold as possible be as strong as possible and show him no sympathy whatsoever. Even though it'll destroy him it'll allow him to move on. Trust me I know, that's what it took for me to let go of my lover and best friend. Good luck with your son, good luck with keeping a friendly relationship with your soon to be ex husband. And good luck with your future relationships but remember a woman's heart is precious(and vice versa). If a man makes you feel that it isn't, remind him of its worth but never cheapen it by giving it to two men at the same time. Best wishes

[MK9]

it seems like your sexual urges and vagina control you. If you love someone then you need to learn how to control your urges to sleep with other men.