Be friends ?

[EmmieQ]

My boyfriend broke up with me 1 month ago, we were dating for 4 months.

 

We met at a party, and during 1 month, he did all he could to impress me (leave flowers on my car, making poems and drawings etc).

We had a great relationship, I do not doubt he loved me sincerely.

But after 3 months, the first small 'fights' occurred, where both he and I said and did things we regretted.

One month ago, after spending a wonderful romantic weekend together, planning our first small vacation, we had another of those fights.

It seemed quite minor : him begging me to see me on day X, me agreeing (even freeing time for him), him canceling on day X-1 or telling me he would be late, me getting angry and saying that if he could not commit to show up at our dates, we could better not be in a relationship, him assuring me he never would want to break up, and us agreeing to talk about it, because we already had that kind of fight Y times.

So on Saturday and Sunday we had our great weekend, on Monday we planned our holidays together, the 'fight' occurred on Tuesday, he asked for some time alone on wednesday (but assuring we we would not break up), saying he would call me in the evening, which he did telling me we had to discuss things, but that he certainly did not want to break up with me, that he loved me. We met again on Thursday, were he broke up with me, saying his feelings had changed, that he did not see me as before, that he did not consider a future with me. And that no, I would not get another chance.

 

I went NC for 3 weeks and I saw him again a couple of days ago.

We had a great time, laughing, joking, teasing and talking about the relationship.

I told him I was quite angry at him for breaking up with me like that, not even wanting to discuss things, that we had been great together.

He told me he missed me and that he liked me a lot, but not as before, that things had changed for him.

He had really believed in us, never had made such an effort for another girl, but it was not how it was before we had those fights.

He would not reconsider his decision, would still not give me another chance.

 

I acted cool about it, not being clingy, no crying, no begging, ...

Only telling him I loved him, that I believed we has something worth fighting for, and that I would if he wanted to.

Still he did not reconsider.

 

It was hard parting from him, we were hugging, holding each other for over half an hour before we could separate.

He wants to see me again next weekend, to spent time together, but only as friends.

He said he liked me a lot, that we would still hang out and have great times together, but that he did not consider a relationship in general.

 

My question is : Should we still hang out, or is it a one-way-trip to disaster ?

Do you think there would be still hope getting together someday ?

(Some background information : he is still in college, hanging out with his single friends who are much younger than him, I am already working and more serious. We both still live with our parents, so that we could not that easily do things together.)

 

Thanks for reading this, I know it is a long story, and thanks for your advice !

 

E.

[Eocsor]

It's a one way trip to disaster. You can't be friends with someone you still have romantic feelings for. It's a doorway to a lot of pain. Go on with your life and let the future take care of itself.

[gluestick]

You can't be friends with someone when you hope to be with them romantically. When one person wants X and the other person wants Y, it'll only lead to conflict. He told you he's doesn't want a relationship with you. Listen to what he's saying. Most likely he is not yet emotionally mature or ready for a serious relationship right now. There is nothing you can do or say to change his mind.

 

Let him know that you want NC and need time to heal before you can be friends with him.

[KYRiverGrl]

Romantic feelings = impossible to be friends, for all the reasons stated here. It's a recipe for disaster and continued heartbreak.

[quirky]

I think it will be very hurtful for you if you are friends with him now, you'll be hoping for things at the back of your mind. Maybe later down the line but not yet IMO.

[EmmieQ]

Small update on the above story :

 

As we were supposed to see each other this weekend, I texted him a couple of days ago, asking him if we were still seeing each other this weekend. He only replied yesterday (2 days after my text), telling me he did not have time this weekend, so that it should be for next weekend.

No apology for the late answer, change in plans, no informing how I was (my family has some rough times, which I told him about last time I saw him).

 

I replied to him that I did not know, that I really thought he had been sincere last time I saw him, but that I did not understand how he could be if he kept on cancelling, not replying, not concerned how I was.

He never replied, so I guess I am right on this point.

 

I guess I should just drop it and not invest more time and energy in someone who is clearly not worth it.

 

But it really hurts, I do not understand why he bothered being nice last week, he clearly was not being sincere if he is acting like this now.

 

Your thoughts ?

[KYRiverGrl]

Drop him and go total NC. It is obvious that he's not invested in you -- why invest your precious time in him? There's better out there for you ... use this time to focus on yourself and only yourself. You deserve it.

[emily2424]

it's easier for him to run from you when you aren't right in front of him. when he saw you all the feeling rushed back.

[Kibit]

Perhaps too, he is feeling 'guilty' for how he treated you and is attempting to relieve his own guilt by being 'nice' to you and keeping you in the loop. Let him deal with his own guilt and not drag you into helping HIM get over his issue.

 

I agree with the above posters -- you're the one that will ultimately suffer trying to keep connected to someone that you still have strong emotional attachment/feelings for.