Hot and Cold...I can't follow

[puppylove89]

So my ex of almost 1 year broke up with me 2 weeks ago because he needed space and said there was someone else. I didn't beg, nor did I plead, I was sad but I didn't initiate contact.

 

The day after, he called me saying that he didn't love the other girl, it was just something different that distracted him from problems in our relationship, that he hadn't slept with her and that he was really confused bc he missed me. I told him he needed to get his life together. He called me again the next day, I was at work and didn't answer, he then texted me saying he really wanted to see me. I eventually called him back after work and he said he wanted to see me and talk in person to "extend an olive branch." We met, he told me he would stop seeing other people because the break up wasn't because I wasn't enough for him, he was just confused and scared to know the girl he would want to marry at 22. He said "you're perfect, you're everything I want and more, but I need some time". I was civil but right before parting, I cried a little and left. I texted him that night saying I was really confused. The next day he texted me saying he had emailed me. I read his email saying that he loved me with all of his heart, didn't want to imagine a life without me, that I was the one for him, but that he needed to be stress-free for awhile to figure out his life and that, while it was unfair to me, that this was a better chance for us in the future. That night, he texted asking if I had responded yet, and I briefly said I had been busy but would. I eventually responded that I would not settle for any less than being with him if we were to remain in contact.

 

NC for almost 3 days, then I find out he brought this same girl to the homecoming football game at our alma mater, the same one I was at. I didn't see him there, but I was told by a friend of his that he had run into them and my ex had said "he was single and not seeing anyone" in front of this girl. I was hurt but decided to go out with my friends that night. He texts me...asking if I was staying in town for the night. I briefly answered awhile later that I was, and he said he had been in town for the game but was likely going home. I didn't answer, he then texted asking me if I would be interested his going to see him...I said I was not sure how to respond...He said he missed me, and then apologized for being inappropriate.

 

The next morning, he calls me...in a quivering voice saying that he had seen me at the game, that I looked so good, and that he realized that he had made a huge mistake, that I had been so good to him and yet he had been so unfair. He said he was ready now and that I was "the One", but that he didn't want to jump back into a relationship with me, but for me not to give up on him. He apologized for hurting me, and told me he had only kissed that girl and gone on those two dates with her, but that he felt awful about it and knew I was the one for him. I agreed to take things slowly.

 

He texts me and calls that night, says he wanted to move in together in the next little while, that he was really happy, that he loved me. He texted me over the next few days, we went on a date 2 days later, it was really fun. He said he had cut it off with the girl. I was upset the next day, and he told me to trust him, that for him to throw his pride aside and ask for me back, meant he was serious. He had asked me to a party with his friends, but we didn't end up going bc of work.

 

So after a week of this, he asked me over to his parents' last night...to hangout. His parents were out on a date. We were having a good time, then got physical and had sex. Then we're cuddling and he says "I'm so glad to have my beautiful girlfriend back...I mean my beautiful "my name"" Obviously this lead to the conversation...are we exclusive? are we dating? I told him I don't sleep with men I don't date. He said we could be exclusive but he didn't think it was right to jump back into a relationship, that he had wanted to ease back into it slowly, although admitting sex wasn't slow but it was meaningful and passionate, that he loved and missed me. I got upset and he said "you have me back, but I can't be your boyfriend right now. I'm 110% sure that you're the one for me, the one I want to marry and have children with, but I need space to figure myself out" and that if it were too hard, we shouldn't be having sex. I left, he said "I love you" as I walked away. And NC since then...

 

What on earth does this mean? It's so confusing and hurtful...I'm trying to stay sane but I feel used. I love him and I really think it could be great and he agrees, but now I have no idea what do...I've been maintaining my dignity. Sorry for the long post, I'm just desperate for help

[Anonymous 6]

I'm not sure what he is like, or what your relationship is like. I would let him know that he is going to need to learn how to face his problems vs. running away from them if you guys are going to make your relationship work. In my eyes, personally- I just think he wants the best of both worlds "want's both kinds of cake, and to eat them both too"

[Mesemene]

Set yourself a mental boundary if you want to "wait for him." You don't want to be waiting indefinitely while he "finds himself" after all. So what do YOU think is reasonable? Two weeks? A month? Two months?

 

Do you have any expectations of yourself or him in that timeframe?

 

When you know what you can deal with and are willing to - you have your lines drawn. Next time he calls, tell him. "I'm respecting your wishes to take this time to find yourself/figure yourself out. If you can't do that in the next (time period) without (anything you think unreasonable, like sleeping with the cheering squad), it's only fair to let you know I'll be moving on myself, since it's not fair to me to just wait indefinitely for you. I hope you find whatever you're looking for."

 

In your words - just make sure that you have things in mind you consider reasonable, and things you consider deal breakers. Sure, he has a right to find himself - but you also have rights - the right to protect your mind and heart and draw what you consider are reasonable boundaries to do that.

[puppylove89]

Our relationship was always good, he pursued me hard core our senior year of college and I was very, very cautious. But eventually we started dating and he was wonderful, so good to me and saying how he had never ever thought about marriage or a future with another girl before. He's introverted by nature and I think he's insecure bc he's very quick to not admit is faults. He came to Europe to visit my family over the summer and was a little culture shocked.

 

Honestly, post-graduation has been difficult for both of us, especially him. He had a full time corporate job offer revoked bc of budget cuts and we both had to move back in with our parents temporarily, which we both admit really affected our relationship. I just now got a good full time job that started last week, and I'm currently studying for the MCAT, while he hasn't really figured out that part of his life. He had said his parents were sad when they found out we broke up, and then were pleased to find out we were talking again...his dad told him it was a "positive decision". Then he took his credit card away and told him he needed to now assume full financial responsibility for himself. I think that once they found out we had broken up, they began being worried that he would just not have ambition to find a real job and just stay at home, playing video games and smoking weed.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm proud of your for cutting off contact for a while. It was clearly hurting you to be in contact with him.

 

I think, yes, those other factors about job and direction play a role, but he's also wondering what else is out there. (I doubt all he did was kiss that girl. He denied even seeing anyone else at first so he was clearly fibbing.) He's not going to "satisfy that itch" in a week or two. And missing you for a day or two is not enough. He needs a long time and to realize that he's risking losing you. You find out what a man is made of if he starts to get wishy washy and you just walk away.

 

If he's "sure you are the one" why in the heck is he kissing another chick? Cause he thinks you'll accept that crap (and thus far, before you cut contact, he was right). Prove him wrong. Be strong.

 

I think he's going to see other people and you should consider doing the same. He is not the only man out there.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's placing you on a shelf, while he shops around. I would make it crystal clear that this is not acceptable, and your plans are to move on. He'll either step up to the plate, continue to play this game, or walk. Either way, you'll have an answer.

[puppylove89]

Still no word from him...You guys are all probably right. The only thing I'm almost 100% about is that he didn't do more than kiss her. He has no reason to lie to me, he has never lied before, and if he does something he said he wouldn't, he always fesses up due to the guilt and never denies it. There's nothing to hide at this point, we're not technically together. I mean I know I could get through a full break up with him, I know I'm strong enough, but I really have this weird gut feeling that there is a sense of truth in his words. Everyone who knows him says he is so out of it lately, that he really needs to get his **** together, ugh...I don't know.

[Ms Darcy]

You're young and you are probably going to be with a lot of guys in your life. For now, all I'll say is the best thing you could do is break up and go NC. Whatever you are doing now (this waiting for him) in time you will learn will do you no good.