How did you finally walk away?

[hopelessincan]

Whether you were the dumpee or the dumper, how did you walk away? Was there a final straw to repeated behaviour, was the love missing, or some other reason?

If you were the dumper and were absolutely in love, how did you find the strength to leave? I dont think I want to but wonder if I have to.

 

Background: been with my SO almost two years. We fell into some bad habits about six months ago which eventually led him to break it off. Within three weeks he was back and since then it seemed we were finally past it. We were communicating more and discussing our future again. He was way more attentive, I was more understanding and supportive. It just seemed perfect.

 

Until last evening. Long story short, I was out with a couple friends for a quick drink. He calls. Turns out he wanted to go out. Changed his mind once he realized I was out as he didnt want me to change my plans. As we were wrapping it up anyways, I asked him to come by where we were and we'd stick around. He said no that he wouldnt make it in time and to call him once I got home since I stated id be home in 20 minutes or so.

 

Fast forward about 30-40 minutes and I call him back. He seems irked. Turns out he had headed over to my house after the first phone call without telling me. He had been driving around waiting for me. I ask him to come back and he says no that he is almost home. To say I was disappointed doesnt begin to explain my emotions. It is still early at this point around 8pm. I get home, call him and ask him to come over or that I am going to go see him. He says no and he is going to bed soon and basically hangs up the phone. I call him back. Start of anger. Phone hangs up again.

I am the type who needs to discuss issues when they happen so I become quite pushy. He is the type who needs to walk away and chill for hours or days if he is upset.

 

To explain my disappointment, we rarely have "us" time on weekends so it is a special treat if you will. So to have it dangled in my face then taken away so fast just made me very upset. The cycle of last night was I called, we screamed, he hung up. I called, we screamed....you get the picture. I go to the corner store and find him outside in his car and he tells me he saw my car and came to tell me we are over. A load of crap I tell him. We say mean things. He tells me he is fed up and that i blew it. Or something to that effect.

Things had been amazing for the last 5 or 6 months. No fights, minor disagreements, but we had been able to discuss them and deal with them on the spot. Then this. What gives?

 

Am I in the wrong or is he? Is his behaviour or mine controlling? Or is it two highly emotionally charged people not being able to communicate? What to do? I think deep down we both love each other alot but are afraid. This whole outburst seems out of left field and almost an excuse to argue. It doesnt seem worth it to me.

I think he picked a fight, but im sure he feels the opposite.

[Springs]

So basically he got angry at you because you were out with friends and went in a huff because you didn't get home within 30-40 mins? Then he broke up with you? Either he is very controlling or I don't understand the reason?

[hopelessincan]

he didnt get angry initially. but when he first called i mentioned that we were heading out anyways and I would probably be home in 20 mins or so. I asked if he would pop by and he said maybe and to call him when I got home and to hang with my friends if I wanted but I reiterated that we were packing up soon anyways.

Unbeknownst to me, he decided to head over because i said i was leaving. Things happen and conversations go on sometimes so it was about 45 minutes before I got home.

 

I actually said the same thing you did to him but he said no that he wasnt mad. But I, like you think otherwise. He wasnt angry at this point but choosing to go home and not head back over says otherwise to me. I told him that he wasnt being fair and he could have told me he was heading over or at least called me when he got there and realized I wasnt home. I would have rushed knowing so. i did assume he would be over later anyhow, but expected he would once I called him back. So I demanded he tell me what his issue was.....To which I suppose annoyed him and he didnt want to talk at that point. But I was not ok with not discussing it....so I pushed the issue but got nowhere except in a bigger hole.

And i am kind of annoyed because while he doesnt have a key, he knows where it is, so he could have called me and let himself in. He sees things very differently in that he didnt want to interrupt my friend time...

I suspect there is an underlying reason for this freak out....

[hopelessincan]

even writing this I realize how crazy it is............ but something in me wants to fix him and us. He did actually say he needs help dealing with things while we were fighting, but I dont know if he was being sarcastic or what....

[thejigsup]

You BOTH handled this in a very immature manner. I suggest you take a break for awhile and both work on yourselves. You both have issues that you need to address, don't you?

[Notagoodninja]

I walked away (as the dumper) because I realized he (the dumpee) was merely using me as a security blanket and genuinely never loved me. And if he did love me at all, it didn't last more than a year- then you look back and realize everything you lived was a delusional made up lie. Oh well.

[hopelessincan]

You BOTH handled this in a very immature manner. I suggest you take a break for awhile and both work on yourselves. You both have issues that you need to address, don't you?

Harsh and hurtful, but so close to the truth....But even if we both know that...when we dont know how to fix it, then what?

[hopelessincan]

I walked away (as the dumper) because I realized he (the dumpee) was merely using me as a security blanket and genuinely never loved me. And if he did love me at all, it didn't last more than a year- then you look back and realize everything you lived was a delusional made up lie. Oh well.

 

ugh. thats awful to feel. How long were you together?

[Thorshammer]

Did he have grow up seeing issues with his parents, or had a bad experience with an ex? I was like this after being with so many idiots. My ex had to take the blunt-impact of the fall-out. I learned to control it, and I never took it that far. Me and my ex also had our weekend time. I am also the type to want time to think and be quiet after a fight, and she was the type to want to talk things out right then and there. If she got her way, nothing was solved, I just pretend not to be so mad, if I got my way, she went nuts worrying that I am going to leave or something, but usually end it up with me releasing some steam and me cuddling up next to her.

 

As far as the controlling behavior, it will take a toll on you. You might want him back, want to fix things, but humans can only take so much. It doesnt matter how much in love/passion you have for him, many peoples minds will start to defend itself and lose attraction for him in time (unless you yourself block this off for whatever reason). Maybe all the issues you guys had has him defensive, or he thinks you might be having your "way" after coming back? Maybe he feels he is forcing more authority by breaking up with you? The controlling behavior comes from his past, and/or insecurity. Until he learns to control it, he will be the same with everyone, and trust me, I had it bad... and I got worse and worse (now i dont care what a girl does, and i had to have losing my ex as the hard lesson, though it was the main reason for the breakup, it was one of many). For the record (and maybe he feels the same way), i did not want to control my ex, I did not want to hurt her, i did not want to ruin her fun, but i had serious anxiety, and unless i acted up on it, it would burn a hole in me. If i could have her go out with a bunch of guys and girls and drink, without it killing me, I would, but i couldnt (though I got way better, and eventually nothing bothered me). My dad is also like this with my mom, so it could have influenced me.

 

You both have communication problems, and handle them differently. This will also be a huge bridge to cross. This is actually more damaging than his behavior. I feel that a lot can be fixed with good communication, but both of you handle situations differently, and you cant gauge his reactions well (since you dont know if he was being sarcastic or not).

 

Looks like a long road, and you both need to work on it seriously. Otherwise, tossing it under the carpet will just build up until one of you finally breaks it off for good (if you guys get back together). I wouldnt take him serious until he takes steps to work on it. You did nothing wrong, if he comes back with that bs that it was your fault, dont take him back... if you do, you basically reward his behavior and continue to solidify in his head that his behavior is good.

 

Obviously this is all depending if this behavior was constant. If this all of a sudden happened, then i dont think hes taking this relationship serious anymore. I think he stepped out and is just being a jerk.

[hopelessincan]

Did he have grow up seeing issues with his parents, or had a bad experience with an ex? I was like this after being with so many idiots. My ex had to take the blunt-impact of the fall-out. I learned to control it, and I never took it that far. Me and my ex also had our weekend time. I am also the type to want time to think and be quiet after a fight, and she was the type to want to talk things out right then and there. If she got her way, nothing was solved, I just pretend not to be so mad, if I got my way, she went nuts worrying that I am going to leave or something, but usually end it up with me releasing some steam and me cuddling up next to her.

 

Thank you for this response. It is very true and eye opening.

 

Yes this is him and us in a nutshell. His father was abusive and controlling and beat them. His last two exes were awful to him (one cheated, and the mother of his kid is just a witch). I myself have had a few winners too. So we have talked about this in depth with each other and we know where the other is coming from...

 

There is some of his behaviour that drives me absolutely insane and I really cant stand. But I try my best to just deal with him and accept him for him. While I may not agree that what I perceive as running away (when he is upset) we have talked about it and he says he does it so he doesnt say anything he regrets. I respect that but I am exactly like your ex and all sorts of crazy scenarios go through my head. I would rather deal with it then and there and know that we are going to be ok.... And that is insecurity and probably a fear of abandonment on my part (atually yeah probably more afraid of him leaving than anything)

 

I agree that I dont think he is controlling on purpose. But by him basically taking back wanting to see me, it matches up with what you say about the anxiety. He knows that maybe its wrong to think or want me to be there the second he calls (which I pretty much am but because I want to be).....so maybe this is why he in a way is acting out? He has always been supportive of me and never cared if I had my own things to do or was out with friends. And yes I want nothing more than to fix us once and for all. I really thought we had figured us out this time. I also get the comment about defending or losing attraction thing....I have never lost attraction for him but there have been times where he has upset me and I sit and stew over something that he has no idea upset me and decide that we should break up. In my head Im all tough then I see him, we talk and I forget all about it. Because really its not what I want but somehow maybe I think it will make him realize. But like you said, its because of our communication issues.

 

I know he doesnt want to hurt me. He is very protective of me. (I had a falling out a few months back with a close friend, she hurt me very badly and I was quite upset..(we havent talked since) and he and I were talking the other day about it....he made a comment to me that he had been thinking about it for some reason and he said he felt bad because he realized he didnt like her because of what she did to me....he said if we did patch things up (I doubt it) that he would support me but worried he would be a jerk to her....I found that to be quite sweet....)

 

I think you must be him lol because again yes...our past issues definitely had him holding back initially. But for the last 2 or 3 months, he did a complete 180 and I could see him trusting in us again. He was no longer holding back and we were starting to discuss us living together again. We were discussing our entire relationship, feelings and everything good and bad and in between. We were doing "family" things almost every weekend and it was awesome and all I could ask for.

 

What do you mean maybe he is forcing authority by breaking up?

 

We do talk about our communication differences. Sometimes we do try and work with each other....we were doing well with trying things the other way around (ie: I annoyed him one night recently and probably a heated argument was pending..so he got up and went home....I didnt fight him as usual and let it go....another time I was quite stressed and witchy and I could see he was wanting to run...I calmed myself down and asked him to please ride it out and discuss it and he did..within an hour we were over it...so it can be done!)

 

Thank you for saying I did nothing wrong. Dont you think i went off the deepend just a little? lol I mean most normal people would just leave it be and stop calling and arguing wouldnt they?! Sometimes I think disappointment causes the worst reactions.....

 

I do think he was being a jerk..but he was thinking that it was the same stuff all over again....These behaviours were kind of a constant in the past, but it has been half a year since anything like this has happened so I dont know if you can consider it a constant anymore.....i consider it a one off or a slip....

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't go so far as to call him a jerk. I think you were both immature in this situation. Clearly both of you had been trying to communicate well in the past. But, on this night, I think there was a miscommunication between you and he misunderstood what was happening (what your intent was). Instead of giving him space he has told you he wats ad needs, you insisted on talking. And yelling back and forth was the result. I think you two might be incompatible if you can't manage to communicate respectfully with each other. It's hard but this isn't the first time things went off the rails between you. I know it hurts, but you might need to find someone a little more similar to you in this way.

[hopelessincan]

ugh.....yeah....we HAD been communicating quite well...so Im just not sure what happened last night at all......he has always had a hard time with his feelings, but was so coming around. No its not the first time at all..but it took us breaking up once to realize that we had to do something...and we made it almost six months before it happened again...I guess I have such a hard time as I have never been with anyone so compatible in every other way in my life and neither has he....we have such a strong crazy connection that neither of us knows how to deal with it I suppose...we probably both have some trust issues (ok among others) but because we have both been burned quite badly in the past......the problem with finding someone else like that is you dont know till you invest more time in the relationship.....I honestly dont think I will ever find someone like him again. He is and has every thing that I need in a man.....except for the communication He intrigues me, he is smart, beautiful just generally well rounded and I have never met anyone like him before...

My last ex was like a girl in the communication department, but we just didnt have that passion and excitement and strong bond like I seem to need.....

I just wish this wasnt so hard...Im at a loss with what to do anymore...

[Ms Darcy]

Yup, you might fall into the trap of passion over substance. If you can't communicate, then the excitement, passion, etc doesn't matter in the long run. For me, communication is in the top two needs of a healthy relationship. What I am hearing is that this didn't have the legs to go the distance.

[hopelessincan]

ugh again! So not what I want to hear

its not that we dont communicate. In fact we do quite often. More often than I ever have in any of my relationships.....Its that in the heat of the moment things seem to go way off track.

We are able to sit for hours and discuss issues or thoughts or feelings or anything really....its when we get frustrated that all that seems to go right out the window.

Any issue we have ever had we do talk about....just maybe not when we should

[Ms Darcy]

So for me there are two tracks of communication: intimacy building and conflict resolution.

 

Intimacy building is what makes people fall in love. Conflict resolution is what keeps people in love.

[hopelessincan]

I guess then our communication is probably more intimacy building...but we do talk about our conflicts too......theres no shortage of that...

so its the conflict resolution we need help with......any ideas how to go about working on that?

All I can think about is those work management type courses.....hmmmm...would that help? Couples counselling? thoughts?

[Thorshammer]

Oh, just realized you said he doesnt care if you go out.

 

Then hes just being controlling. Breaking up, or threatening to, is just another ploy to assert control. Also, if he threatens less time with you, its another pot into the control-game.

 

Also, my ex had abandonment issues as a kid. I theorized that was the reason why she didnt want to end a complaint on a bad note. If she communicated better, then there is no way I would have let her sulk with our issues. She never really confirmed this theory, i did try to come up with rules, or open up lines of communications by talking things out because i still didnt want her going crazy (she goes crazy with that, god!).

 

For some men who were with really messed up chicks, they are worried about be walked on. So it looks like he keeps poking for control. Also, his lack of communication might be because you yourself are trying to control how a disagreement is handled, and he is fighting that off. I say this because this is how i felt. I dont want to fix things when emotions are running high, this is how things are said in anger.

[hopelessincan]

holy crap Thorshammer! are you SURE you arent him? lol

I just found myself bawling my eyes out as I read this last post.... Its exactly us to a tee.

He has said a few times that he can be difficult to deal with...at least he acknowledges that....and his comment about needing help last night as I think about it was him speaking the truth. So I do think he realizes it.....Its how to fix it that neither he nor I know how to do. The relationship is worth it to me because I love him. Plain and simple. Oh and probably pretty stupid huh?

In a way, I still feel its me too. I mean I know exactly what reaction he expects from me when he pulls that crap and I couldnt control my reaction. Yelling and screaming like a maniac I guess at my wits end. I told him that if he wouldnt listen then that was it and there would be no coming back this time. But I couldnt stick to my guns cause I still had to have the last word and wanted to change his reaction. So talk about crying wolf and justifying his fears and insecurities right?

Why fight so hard to get a reaction? What does that prove really?

[Thorshammer]

You have to ask him what that proves. I didnt know love until i met my ex, every other woman pretended to love me. So when my ex loved me, it was hard to accept it. Its insecurity, also he has trust-issues, so maybe he feels by controlling it, he can lock it up and stop it you from disappointing him (which will actually do the opposite). I remember once I was looking at my ex cooking for me, and i thought, "thats my girlfriend, and she loves me and I love her", it was odd. I guess disappointment robs a bit of your reality.

 

One day my ex told me, you have all the power in the relationship. After that, it hit me... i dont want the power, i just want her. So I started doing whatever she wanted me to do (which might have sealed the deal and lost the attraction she had for me). I actually became better, while she became worse, then i became weak and needy (whole different story that probably doesnt relate to you).

 

I dont think you are at fault, you are two people with your own history, and that history just doesnt mesh well.

 

And yeah, everyone keeps saying I am there ex in disguise, lol. Thats only because I read posts and comment when their ex's reminded me of ME, either now, or before. If I dont relate much, i dont post.

[hopelessincan]

well he says he doesnt care, but his behaviour shows me otherwise. If he would call and I was out, he would cut the convo short and tell me to have fun. But in some ways I just felt like there was something bothering him. This was more so in the early days of the relationship..like maybe the first six months or so...He didnt seem to trust people in general, but also knew that he had no business being upset. (I played on a co-ed sports team, and someone on the team had a crush on me, so it made him uncomfortable if this helps).

 

With regards to the abandonment issues I may have...I havent really talked to him about it...I have mentioned that I think i might, but havent gone into detail with him...I am finally able to admit it and realize where it comes from....perhaps I should have explained to him in deeper detail

Yup, guarantee he is afraid of being walked on......I know how he is with me and gives me anything i ask for. From what i see with how he is with me and from things he has said about past relationships, he tends to give his all....but its almost as though now when he catches himself falling, he has to gain the control back so he doesnt get lost in the emotion..if that makes sense

Yes, I can fully admit as well that I am trying to control the situation. I dont want to fight, so I try and resolve it then and there. The wrong way to go, but it seems to be instinct. Like I have to stand up for myself or something. And yes, this is why he chooses to walk away and get his space. So he doesnt say anything he regrets. But I am able to brush those things off and know that some hurtful things are said in the heat of the moment. He is not able to and those things (both what i say and what he says) seems to stick with him.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it woud be a mistake to boil this down to him being insecure. He wanted space. You know that about him. You called, you both yelled, you called back and you both yelled again. There was equal immaturity on both sides, so I wouldn't put it all on him. You want to make it work with a person, but you can't abide their emotional needs. That sounds like incompatibility.

 

Listen, some people can take fighting in a relationship. I am not one of them. I have never "yelled" at a person (perhaps I have snipped). I have been yelled at. Some people think that's the way to deal with their emotions. (Also, you can "fight" without yelling ...) Others don't. When you weren't fighting, he was happy/you had future talk. When there was yelling, he ended it. So you can see where he is on the fighting issue.

 

My bet is that he was sulking and he would have figured out that he was sulking either after a couple hours or a good night's sleep. But catch someone during irrational emotion time and the end-result is often not good.

[Thorshammer]

well he says he doesnt care, but his behaviour shows me otherwise. If he would call and I was out, he would cut the convo short and tell me to have fun. But in some ways I just felt like there was something bothering him. This was more so in the early days of the relationship..like maybe the first six months or so...He didnt seem to trust people in general, but also knew that he had no business being upset. (I played on a co-ed sports team, and someone on the team had a crush on me, so it made him uncomfortable if this helps).

 

Does he ever relate his behavior to his experiences from the past? He needs to open up further, its the people with bad communications and "baggage" that never evolve.

 

And I also dont trust people. It took a while for me to trust. I used to look through my ex's phone in the first few months of being with her. Its not that easy going from BAD GIRL, BAD GIRL, GOOD GIRL. Especially when I had my own issues in the background, and the people who I relied on for trust and loyalty, were just pushing me along. It got to the point that i just wanted a women to mess with. I met my ex and she was an angel with the looks to match, i couldnt let her go.

 

My ex reminded me of NOTHING from my past. But the feelings of love was a reminder, so I had this fear of disappointment attached to it. I used to dream of her leaving me. I loved her, but when I felt this way, it hurt.

 

With regards to the abandonment issues I may have...I havent really talked to him about it...I have mentioned that I think i might, but havent gone into detail with him...I am finally able to admit it and realize where it comes from....perhaps I should have explained to him in deeper detail

Yup, guarantee he is afraid of being walked on......I know how he is with me and gives me anything i ask for. From what i see with how he is with me and from things he has said about past relationships, he tends to give his all....but its almost as though now when he catches himself falling, he has to gain the control back so he doesnt get lost in the emotion..if that makes sense

 

So it does. He needs to feel safe, and he does this in the wrong way, by asserting power.

 

Yes, I can fully admit as well that I am trying to control the situation. I dont want to fight, so I try and resolve it then and there. The wrong way to go, but it seems to be instinct. Like I have to stand up for myself or something. And yes, this is why he chooses to walk away and get his space. So he doesnt say anything he regrets. But I am able to brush those things off and know that some hurtful things are said in the heat of the moment. He is not able to and those things (both what i say and what he says) seems to stick with him.

 

Same thing with my ex. We would argue about the smallest things, sometimes about history, and it was like a display of power, like the city of new york was held in the balance of who would win. It took a while for us to do something really simple to change things, and that was.. "ok, i see your point of view", that was enough to not draw the line and start fighting.

 

Why did it escalate to saying hurtful things though? This will just take massive steps backwards. If you both can relate your past issues with your current behavior, then maybe you can see things through different eyes. I know when my ex told me that she felt like she was paying for some other persons mistakes, it hit me. I always believed that if people evolve to be better when in a relationship, then it would be better than two people who hit it up good from day 1, because both put the work and effort in, but unfortunately, it doesnt work that way, all of that takes a toll on your mental health. If both dont bother trying to fix it, then you will be put in the pile of people that just didnt "click".

[hopelessincan]

i think im a response away from yours lol....and the more you talk the more its reminding me of him. lol. When I first told him I loved him, he didnt believe me. (I think deep down he did, he just didnt want to believe it). He has finally over the last few months been able to tell me without any prompting from me. And from past conversations, he, like you did not feel love before. He has said from the beginning that he has never felt this way about anyone..never had problems leaving a relationship before, but cant seem to stay away from me. I am not innocent either, and made some mistakes in the past that I know he would never have put up with before. He is able to forgive me easier than I think he has any other woman.

 

Ugh, lol....I feel the same way with him with regards to the power thing. Except he doesnt even realize it. I realized that not too long ago. I truly believe he thinks that I have the power. No one should have the power. I spoil him in a lot of ways because I want to. It makes me feel good to make him happy. The neediness thing does relate slightly. I can remember a convo not too long ago...he was afraid to say it but I just knew....I hadnt been my usual self with him for a week or two (due to outside stresses - mostly work)..he noticed and I finally got out of him that he thought I didnt want him anymore....

 

Well I very much appreciate your comments. You have given me a brand new perspective...Not that it may help now...but if theres a next time If this really is the end, its gonna be a long long time before I put myself out there again lol

[hopelessincan]

and why on earth would someone pretend to love someone? why do you say or think that!?

[Thorshammer]

and why on earth would someone pretend to love someone? why do you say or think that!?

 

Because they did, lol. Women arent the only one's that are used and lied to so they can get the booty!