should I break up with him?

[noiseinmyhead]

I'm 27 years old, and I've been with my fiance (29) for four years. I've never met anyone like him, and I've never been more comfortable and in love with anyone else, and we have just about everything in common ... but there's one issue - he's bipolar. It's like I'm dating two different people, one who is amazing and perfect for me, one who is a complete jerk. Most of the time, he's caring, loving, hilarious, and really considerate.

 

But then, out of nowhere, something will set him off, and it's like he turns into a different person. He has a very short temper. He yells, swears, throws things accross the room, breaks stuff (although he points out that he only breaks *his* stuff, not mine), tells me to go f*** myself. He has never physically hurt me, but I get scared. He just seems so out of control and not himself, and I don't know what he's going to do. I try my best to not make him more upset, but it's like walking on eggshells, and he finds a way to blame me for everything that is going wrong. I'm not the type to sit there and take it when attacked, so I have to defend myself, although I try to stay calm and keep my voice down. But he just gets more angry. I've taken to leaving the apartment when he starts acting like this, and I hate that I am so scared to return. I want my home to be a safe place, not somewhere I need to escape from.

 

For the first few years, this hardly ever happened -- maybe once every 6 months. This past week it's happened twice. I don't know what to do. He was in therapy pretty much his entire life before he met me, and has been to dozens of different therapists, but he insists that they did not help at all and he refuses to go back. He had bad reactions to all the medications they tried to put him on, and he will not try again.

 

When it happened for the second time this week, I felt that I didn't deserve this and I needed to break up with him before it happens again and again. But then I think about that amazing man I fell in love with. I really, really don't want to lose him. I just want that man back. This hurts so much and I don't know what to do. I've thought about imposing an ultimatum - he goes back to therapy or we break up, but I'm concerned that he'll hold a grudge against me for forcing him, and he won't change. I feel so lost. Any advice here is really appreciated.

[DylanNotorious]

Do you want children with this man? If the answer is yes, then is he the right choice of man to have around your kids.

 

If he refuses to get help, there isn't much you can do, except break up with him.

[catfeeder]

I think you know what to do. You never get any time back again to do over.

 

My heart goes out to you, and we're here for you.

[woodsrose10]

I once read, "Trust your gut instinct, because no matter what, it's always right." The fact that you felt the need to make a post on this site about whether or not you should break up with him says a lot. Plus, he sounds like he will eventually lose it completely and hit you during one of his bi-polar episodes.

 

HOWEVER, if he really is a great guy when he's "normal," then you need to tell him how you feel about his episodes. Tell him you are afraid of what might happen, and you don't want to feel scared anymore. If he truly refuses help and doesn't get better, then it's time to say goodbye.

[abitbroken]

Has he gotten help and does he receive consistent help for this. My guess if this has happened twice in a short period of time, he is off his meds, or something triggered it. I don't think it is safe for you to remain in a household with him. For that reason, sometimes love just isn't enough. It doesn't matter whether the things he breaks are his or not - it worries me that he is even justifying breaking anything. Did he say that when he was in a low mood, or when he was back to fun and nice? I am tempted to say when he is fun and nice, tell him that he really scared you and that you can't live like that. But if you already told him that when he was on even keel and he justified himself, there really is no way you can help him. I was with a man who would get really angry and scary - my advice is to walk away. Even if you are engaged - ther are some people who are bipolar and would not hurt a fly. When they are "down" they retreat into their cave and never throw things. So some bipolar people can be lived with if the other person understands that and the bipolar person is aware of that, but I am afraid someday you will end up on the wrong end of the vase being thrown and needs stitches.

[Mr Man]

You need to talk to him about how serious this is. You need to be up front and say 'I'm going to leave you if this doesn't change'. If it doesn't change, well... no other option but to split.

 

Best of luck