shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Okay so I got back with my ex on Wednesday night, I was happier than ever but skeptical, I was aware of the risks I was taking but I just couldnt help myself. Thursday I picked her up from work she said she was going out that night, I was a little paranoid but I knew I couldnt be too forward with anything at that point. We went to get something to eat before I dropped her off at home but their was an atmosphere (I knew it wasnt going to be perfect straight away) Im not sure how to describe it, it was like she just couldnt wait to get away from me. We talked on facebook for a bit before she went out, she said she was going shopping after work the day after so I asked her if she wanted a lift home or any company because Id missed going going shopping with her, she just kept changing the subject. Friday she phoned in sick at work because she was hungover so when I finished work I went over to hers to see how she was. She seemed fine by the time I'd got there but the thing is she still didnt want me to go shopping with her like she was planning something. I said to her your going to meet him arent you, she said yes I want to tell him whats going on to his face, I said ok thats fair enough but I can still take you, she agreed so we went. Well on the way down we got into an argument and I ended up meeting this guy and telling him that she was back with me (big mistake). After that she said she didnt want to be with me and that she wanted to be with him, so I said thats fine but why did you have to get my hopes up that you wanted to be with me? She said she thought she wanted me. Ive come to the conclusion that she definitely doesnt want me, all it is is that she cares for me a small amount but not enough to rekindle anything. Now Im back to where I started, I feel needy, lonely, upset and helpless. I want her back but dont want her back. Ive got a feeling her and this guy are both going to loose their jobs next month and I think she might try and get back with me then when she had no money and cant afford to get the bus. I cant do it to myself though. I need to get over her. But Im desperate for her love again, I miss her so much already, why cant love just be easy? Help please Ive got nowhere else to turn to anymore, I need your help guys Im such mess again. Cant sleep properly again and I think since the start of this whole break up a few weeks ago Ive developed an eating disorder. Please reply asap Im so upset. Link to comment
StanleyB Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hey Phil ! Could you describe a little how your relationship was ? For how long and what kind ? Usually rebound couples aren't good and do not stay together for long. Because depending on the time she was with you and the kind of relationship you had with her, she will spend times comparing him to you in her mind. Which will not work... How did she contacted you before you went back together ? Did you break the NC or did she ? Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 We were together for 3.6 years, we spent almost ever day together and we were in each others pockets constantly. We we went on a break a few weeks ago because whe was unsure how she felt, eventually I got it out of her that she had a crush on a guy at her new job. We broke up but I couldnt let her go so chased after her for a week, begging, crying and all that pathetic stuff. Eventually I realised I just had to stop so went NC. It lasted 3 days then she broke it by having a go at me for talking to a girl on my facebook. I felt stronger after the NC so took the high road and handled it all well. She arranged to meet me some time last week to "tell me something" that she had to say to my face. I agreed but assured her I didnt want her back. When we met she was angry at first but I stepped in and said she had no right to be angry as she was the one who broke up with me. She then got upset and said she regretted it and that she was sorry for everything, after a couple of hours of discussing passed I caved in and said Ill consider it if you make some major changes to prove I can trust you and you have a week to think about it. She said ok to that and then Thursday we got back together. I knew it was going to be difficult but I was willing to work on it if she was. In her little getting back with me speech she turned to me and said " I was unsure what I wanted but I realised when Id lost you that its you that makes me happy." I was relieved when I heard this but like I said, I was skeptical. The reason I did what I did with the other guy she was seeing is I just got the feeling that if I was to let her do it she wouldnt have been able to, she's very soft when it comes to people crying you see and I knew that if she did that she would just go behind my back. Link to comment
GabrielS Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 She was testing you and you failed! Sorry, but that's the truth. You were needy, insecure, and still let her have ALL the power. This turns women off! I know you are hurting and this may seems harsh but I'm not here to get sympathy or to give it. You simply weren't emotionally ready to get back with your ex yet. You made that clear in this post. Before you can make anybody else happy, you need to LOVE yourself first. Now, by this, I mean, you need to feel 100% condifent in yourself and completely content with being alone and enjoying your own company! The only way to accomplish this is NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. Remove her number from your cell phone, block her number with your cell phone provider, block/remove her from your facebook account, get rid of everything in your house that reminds you of her, no contact with her family, EXERSICE, spend time with close friends and or family. For some strange reason I can't figure out for the life of me, is everyone I know that has gone through a breakup, including myself, the feeling of h opelessness is the worst in the late evening. Find something to occupy yourself with during this time. A hobby maybe? I make sure to spend the evenings in the studio. You will be just fine in time and maybe even come to the realization that this relationship isn't really for you (how cool would that be?). Right now you need a good kick in the butt and start focusing on yourself before anything else. Again......NO CONTACT. Only when you feel 100% indifferent should you even consider talking to her again. Still too early in the morning to have a way with words but I think you get my gist. Stay strong ... Gabriel Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 She was testing you and you failed! Sorry, but that's the truth. You were needy, insecure, and still let her have ALL the power. This turns women off! I know you are hurting and this may seems harsh but I'm not here to get sympathy or to give it. You simply weren't emotionally ready to get back with your ex yet. You made that clear in this post. How was she testing me? The only reason she isnt with me now is because I wouldnt let her have the best of both worlds. The way I see it is she loves me as someone she can relate to and tell anything to and she wants this other guy as an exciting new boyfriend but I made her choose. I agree though it probably was too soon to get back together. I just knew if I left it too long she would go off with the other guy and I didnt want that to happen. Link to comment
GabrielS Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Ok, I underlined the key elements of your post with the conclusion in BOLD. Fact is, women test men ALL THE TIME. Most of the time they are not even aware of it but they want to know they are with a strong man that will take care of them. Women don't like desperate or needy men ... period! You showed insecurity throughout your entire post. Women pick up on this. It is second nature to them. Again, I'm really not trying to come accross as harsh, just trying to explain what happened and why. We need to understand what happened before we can fix it! Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 I know I said I felt paranoid about her going out but I definitely didnt show it, I made it look like I was really happy about her going out because I didnt want to seem too forward or forceful with anything. When it was the weird atmosphere again I didnt show that I was feeling this I just shrugged it off at the time. The reason I insisted that I go shopping with her Is because I knew that she was going to meet him because I knew he finished work at what time she planned on going shopping I couldnt just allow her to be meeting him in secret whenever she wanted when we were meant to be back together could I? The reason I told him what was going on is because I didnt trust her to do it, she'd done nothing to prove to me that she was trustworthy at that point and I couldnt trust her to be alone with him. I know what your trying to say though and I agree I have been needy but more so in things that I havent bothered to mention in this post than the things youve highlighted here. Link to comment
Day88 Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Ah mate sorry to hear this. You were doing well in your last post. Getting things clear in your mind etc. I know it's no concealation but you know this girls true colours now, she's led you on conpletely. I would have done the same thing if she said she was going to meet him if I'm honest. Let her play her games though buddy, you don't need that in your life. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Ah mate sorry to hear this. You were doing well in your last post. Getting things clear in your mind etc. I know it's no concealation but you know this girls true colours now, she's led you on conpletely. I would have done the same thing if she said she was going to meet him if I'm honest. Let her play her games though buddy, you don't need that in your life. I dont think it was games I just thing she was clinging onto the comfort that I can provide for her, I cant be her comfort blanket forever though. You see she didnt understand that by choosing me she would have to cut him out of her life, or the other way round if she chose him, when I mentioned it thats what started the argument and thats why I did what I did. She wanted to be friends with him still which would have definitely stopped her feeling it for me again so I had no choice really. The way she wanted to handle things wasnt the way to fix our relationship, it would have just worked out me being her emotional safety net and him being a secret affair. Link to comment
GabrielS Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I would have done the same thing if she said she was going to meet him if I'm honest. Let her play her games though buddy, you don't need that in your life. Wrong. This is the mistake most men make. The correct thing to have done is just let her do her thing by herself. She sensed what was going on and felt the weakness. Trust me on this. By going with her you showed lack of trust, insecurity, and needyness. All traits of weakness. Like I said, women pick up on this no matter how hard we try to mask it. Women read body language MUCH better than men do, heck, they practice body language years before they even start dating. We can try to deny this to ourselves (mostly because of ego), or accept what happened and fix ourselves for ourselves. Like I said, time to focus on yourself and yourself only. I know it hurts sooo bad right now but it WILL get better ... Link to comment
GabrielS Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 The way she wanted to handle things wasnt the way to fix our relationship, it would have just worked out me being her emotional safety net and him being a secret affair. Ok, now this is wisdom talking! Bravo. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Wrong. This is the mistake most men make. The correct thing to have done is just let her do her thing by herself. She sensed what was going on and felt the weakness. Trust me on this. By going with her you showed lack of trust, insecurity, and needyness. All traits of weakness. Like I said, women pick up on this no matter how hard we try to mask it. Women read body language MUCH better than men do, heck, they practice body language years before they even start dating. We can try to deny this to ourselves (mostly because of ego), or accept what happened and fix ourselves for ourselves. Like I said, time to focus on yourself and yourself only. I know it hurts sooo bad right now but it WILL get better ... Listen mate their was no hidden meaning behind, no test to see how needy I was all she was thinking about was herself and she didnt care who she was hurting in the process. She didnt car that by being friend with him would make me insecure and she didnt care that by leaving him for me but still being friends with him would hurt him. You lump women into a group where theyre reading peoples body language and testing men to see how vulnerable they are but thats all down to the individual not by what sex you are. I know exactly what has happened and why it happened I know her very well, almost to the point where I can predict what she's thinking, feeling or going to do and thats why I made the right choice by doing it myself. If Id have let her do it herself I would have been in a worse place than I am now and thats all down to her being untrustworthy and she wasnt willing to work on that. Link to comment
GabrielS Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 You lump women into a group where theyre reading peoples body language and testing men to see how vulnerable they are but thats all down to the individual not by what sex you are. Hi Phil, no, nothing could be further from the truth. By no means am I lumping all women together, just trying to explain that women and men think and react differently to situations. They fall in love for different reasons, they cheat for different reasons and break up for different reasons. This is just a fact of life. Anyways, I wish you a speedy recovery. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart! Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hi Phil, no, nothing could be further from the truth. By no means am I lumping all women together, just trying to explain that women and men think and react differently to situations. They fall in love for different reasons, they cheat for different reasons and break up for different reasons. This is just a fact of life. Anyways, I wish you a speedy recovery. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart! what Im trying to say is I know exactly what has happened and why, Im very good at reading her Ive spent 3.6 years doing so. She has been very open with me about majority of things, but I know when she's not being completely honest and I wasnt going to put up with it. A relationship whether it be a friendship or husband and wife is nothing without trust and she carried on betraying that trust over and over. Link to comment
GabrielS Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hi Phil, Listen, I'm in the same situation as you are in right now. After a 17 year relationship she dumped my ass. I moved out, deleted her phone numbers, changed my cell phone number and bought my own home. After 1 year of no contact I was perfectly fine with myself, with spending time alone and met many interesting women along the way. A year later, she u nexpectedly showed up at my door one day, jumped all over me, told me how much she missed me, what a big mistake she made dumping me, blah, blah, blah and wanted me back. I flat out told her no, because for one, I knew she was still seeing somebody else and also once a partner cheats on you once chances of them cheating on you again are VERY high. The only reason I let her back into my life was because her family wouldn't stop calling/bugging me and begging me to take her back. This went on for weeks. So I accepted her back in my life with the condition that she severs her relationship with the other guy first. You see, I refuse to be a safety net as well lol. We went on and had a pretty good relationship for 5 more years but i was still hesitant to move back in with her. Finally a month ago we made plans to live together again. A day before I was supposed to move back in with her, I gave her a surprise visit before she went to work. I walked into her house unannouncedonly to find her on an internet site planning a date. Bottom line is, people Do Not Change! They may have slight changes in their lives but overall they will always be the same person. So why was she planning dates on the internet while we reconciled? Well more than likely the same reason as the predeicament you're finding yourself in, BEING USED AS A SECURITY BLANKET, or as you put it "a safety net". Will I always love her? Of course I will, but what good is love without trust! I know I messed up taking her back and am still kicking myself in the ass for doing so. I am not on this site for sympathy or to give sympathy. This helps nobody. But we are all in the same boat and need to stick together. Sometime a good kick in the butt is what we need to focus again. Make sense? Like you, my story goes far deeper than mentioned here. I only pointed out the basics. Would love to hear the entire history via PM ... Stay strong! Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hi Phil, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I see it slightly differently from a female perspective: apologies in advance, but this is the 'wanting to have your cake and eat it' scenario. It appears she want to have you in the background just in case it doesn't work out with this other guy. The bottom line, though, is, that you don't just 'get a crush' on someone if you still have honest and deep feelings for someone else. The fact that you were strong through 3 days of NC and then SHE contacted YOU says it all. You became more attractive to her because of that. Unfortunately, that means she is somewhat of a game-player, and asking you to go to meet the man she was cheating with is unforgivable, in anybody's book, and again, playing games with you . No one who really cares about someone else would put them through that, and it is really upsetting to hear that you are suffering as badly as you are. Remember what it felt like on Day 2 of NC? Please, please try it again, and standing back will hopefully allow you to get a more healthy distance from her. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Well I plan on getting over her as soon as possible, Ive not really experienced much of life yet so now is the time to do so. Were both very young, maybe thats one of the reasons she got a sudden urge for a bit of excitement, its understandable at our age. Unfortunately her confusion she just happens to have hurt the one person that will be their for her whenever she need it but Ive told her that Im no longer going to be that safety net anymore because it hurts me too much to see her moving on. Maybe we just both need to have a bit of fun and then grow up before getting into relationships as intense as this one has. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, either way I dont think she meant to hurt anyone, I think she's just confused and doesnt know how to go about it. Dont get me wrong Im not defending what she's done to me or anyone else, its just not in her nature thats all. Link to comment
DN Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 No, you didn't do anything wrong nor are you to blame. She is. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Well today I feel great, I had a great time last night when I went out, really enjoyed myself. Cant wait to do it again on Monday. I feel like Ive left it all in the past now, I think Ive found old self that I used to be before I met my girlfriend. I even saw her before to drop some more of her things off and I didnt even want to be back with her. We talked a little bit, mainly me telling her about what I got up to last night, I still enjoy her company but I can live without it to be honest. I could probably even be friends with her at this point but Im not going to. Its limited contact for me now. Im not going to contact her but Im not going to ignore her if she wants to talk. Why the heck am I so awesome hahaha I proper love being me, Im too cool. Link to comment
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