When Dumpers move on to new person - really over the ex?

[HulloThere]

Hello Hullo

 

Thanks for the info! So, does that mean that he had to physically do something to my computer, to install it? It can't be accessed remotely unless he physically did something to my computer first? He has not had that kind of opportunity, I believe, to tinker with my computer (and he lives far away), so would that eliminate that concern?

 

well if you have ever opened any type of file hes sent you... even something as simple as a picture it could be installed on your computer. I am not sure how computer literate he is... so it really depends on that. Also have you tryed changing your passwords following the breakup? He could have had access to them through your relationship without you knowing and just remembers them now.

[sarge17]

This all has to do with lack of maturity and not being able to handle a relationship in a proper way. When you started having these impulses why did you not end it then? All you were thinking about was yourself. Why did you not talk to your SO about what was going on inside you, again lack of integrity, respect and maturity. All of this has to do with how you are feeling about yourself and project it on to your SO by hiding things then dumping.

 

I know this sounds harsh but this is the way I see it. You wanted your safety net until you were for sure.

 

Go ahead and flame me. I can't tolerate messing with other peoples emotions.

[macgyver4ever]

I understand what you are saying, and I know if I was in the same position I would probably feel the same. I see why it all happened, and I understand. I don't forgive her yet, but I get that she was depressed, felt guilty around me, and this guy made her feel happy. I have a BIG problem with the OP because he knew she was in a 4 year relationship, and pushed and pushed until it broke. He was the reason we didn't work, not us. She told me that if he wasn't around, she would stay with me with no problem. He just made her feel special, which will wear off.

 

I would have been happy to have spent the rest of my life with her, but now spending time away I see I could do better, and I have. It took me losing her to realize what I had, in more ways than one. I can clearly see the good and the bad, and the recent actions will leave a lasting effect.

 

Oh yeah, rebounds are dangerous. I guess that was the topic, right?

[bear12]

well, i think not being over you and having a chance at getting back (which is what i think you're implicitly asking) are very different things. my ex is with someone new and refuses to give me the closure i've asked for by saying he's over me, but at the same time he says we're never getting back together. so take that for what you will.

[tiredofvampires]

(Sorry this is off topic a bit, but to HULLO....)

 

 

well if you have ever opened any type of file hes sent you... even something as simple as a picture it could be installed on your computer. I am not sure how computer literate he is... so it really depends on that. Also have you tryed changing your passwords following the breakup? He could have had access to them through your relationship without you knowing and just remembers them now.

 

So are you saying that even if he never got near my computer or touched it, and I opened pictures and files he sent, he could install something remotely to track me and find out my password??

 

He is professionally computer literate!

 

Well, since the breakup I got a new server and password for that account; He only was on my computer once to upgrade software for me, and fix the hard drive, but I was there all the time, present during this job and it was all he ever did. As far's I know, he/we never needed to pull up my password!

 

So how likely is this (that with these givens, he could be checking my e-mail remotely off my new server)??

[servedcold]

This all has to do with lack of maturity and not being able to handle a relationship in a proper way. When you started having these impulses why did you not end it then? All you were thinking about was yourself. Why did you not talk to your SO about what was going on inside you, again lack of integrity, respect and maturity. All of this has to do with how you are feeling about yourself and project it on to your SO by hiding things then dumping.

 

I know this sounds harsh but this is the way I see it. You wanted your safety net until you were for sure.

 

Go ahead and flame me. I can't tolerate messing with other peoples emotions.

 

Couldn't have said it better. My ex got short-circuited in her plans by the OM of 1 mo. breaking her email and finding out about me, her BF of ten months, so I got to see what you are talking about here in crystal focus. Neither of us had any idea of the other's existence. I truly believe that she would have held onto me until she could be certain of the new perch. What did I do wrong? Not a thing, it was all as you say, lack of self-control and integrity. She actually saved me from making a huge error, and thank goodness I only had ten months invested.

 

This was a woman who frequently talked about marrying me...right up until the day she was busted, was sleeping with me at least a couple times a week, spending two or three days a week together, always laughing and affectionate, declaring undying love, calling/texting constantly... while at the same time starting up with another guy. I am not perfect, but am more than sure there was nothing inherently wrong with "us."

 

All manner of supposedly pre-existing "reasons" for what she did poured forth after she was caught. "It just wasn't right from the beginning, you were my best friend and I couldn't take it to the next level, I never felt right about us." In the end, it was obviously just selfish impulse on her part. She went back and recreated history better than Stalin, saying the EXACT SAME THINGS about our relationship that ramsickle said in her post. Coincidence? Maybe... I certainly don't know ramsickle or what kind of person she is, but man her post was one eerie mother for me to read.

 

This experience really toughened me up to see early red flags about what kind of women are worth my time going forward.

[tiredofvampires]

This experience really toughened me up to see early red flags about what kind of women are worth my time going forward.

 

But you didn't SEE any red flags, did you? Or did you?

 

I am trying to do the same about men. What if there is a red flag and I either think it's a green one or it's a flag that for some reason my eyes can't see?

 

How can one avoid what looks ok?

[servedcold]

But you didn't SEE any red flags, did you? Or did you?

 

I am trying to do the same about men. What if there is a red flag and I either think it's a green one or it's a flag that for some reason my eyes can't see?

 

How can one avoid what looks ok?

 

Saw lots of flags, but we had an unreal mental, emotional and physical connection (so it seemed), so I stupidly discounted them. Here are some:

 

1) We attached at the hip from day one, we were literally fascinated with each other. Looking back, I realize that she was showering me with way too much attention too fast. Her life was always moving at a rocket pace, easy to fall for this because it was exciting and hot.

2) She lied about a couple of things early on, little things, but still a bad sign. She rationalized alot about all manner of things, work, family, she was constantly spinning things her way. She was in marketing, so easy to take this as an extension of her work. hehe stupid of me i know.

3) She displayed constant lack of self-control and impulsive behavior, I unwisely attributed this to how much fun we were having with each other, "throwing caution to the wind," it was very romantic at first. It's easy to tell oneself that this is just spontaneity, which we all like in small doses.

4) She ran down her exes from the past in a way that, as a poker player, I could tell was somewhat insincere. Again vanity on my part, "look how favorably I compare to all these other guys in her past."

5) She brought up her eating and emotional disorders early on. I had no experience with this type of person. Sorry to sound harsh to anyone who suffers from these, but I won't be riding that kind of train again. Bulimia, especially where laxatives are involved and they have been institutionalized for it in the past, is probably the biggest red flag I will look for in the future; it goes hand in hand with all kinds of other emotional disorders. (and please don't dare take up for her saying "she was sick" uhuh, TONS of people have these issues and get help or curb their impulses, no sympathy whatsoever from me there).

6) She was very clingy and codependent, while playing power and control games simultaneously. I'm a confident guy, happy with myself and my life, so it seemed "cute" that she needed me so much and was trying to control me, she always said she found me "intimidating," but I'm also very warm and giving, so if they say that in the future, it means the fact they can't control me is actually what's intimidating, and that's unhealthy.

 

Hope this helps. I imagine guys do these things too, just have never experienced it from that side. I believe this is on topic with the thread because from studying and research after this horrible situation, I see lots of similarities between dumpers who tend to move on quickly to a new person and my ex. I am certain that my ex is not over me, but the reasons for it aren't any care she has for me or my wellbeing, but the lack of whatever she was sucking out of me, which is a big difference.

[tiredofvampires]

Holy smokes, servedcold, your post could have been written by me, only from the woman's point of view!

 

It's just so mind-blowingly close to the bone! Thank you for such a comprehensive reply, it really helps to put form around some of the same things I should be making such lists about (and am, but in a fragmented way, mentally.)

 

You sound like a great catch, and very strong-minded, quite a far cry from the self-esteem hellhole I find myself in after my 13-month relationship. You sound like you have a very strong sense of self, which is a great inspiration to me! You say at the end, "whatever she was sucking out of me" -- my name here is based on that.

 

I am struck by the primacy of #1 -- which is EXACTLY what I experienced. Too much, too fast, too intense, too over-the-top (he is a musician, and prided himself in being very coy/sly, and I have to admit, I can usually see through "charmers" but there was something so very understated and smolderingly deep that he was not just like a swaggerer, though my friends who listened to CDs he recorded just for me said he sounded "practiced", "kind of sickly sweet" and I just thought there must be something wrong with me because I would not want such adoration! How do you tell someone NOT to be so affectionate because it's making you feel uneasy??) I DO think this ties into the thread, absolutely, because I feel my rage in trying to make peace with this partly stems (when I'm not blaming myself for "what did I do wrong?" -- he was good at making me question that) from the fact that he was so enamored of me, I couldn't IMAGINE him coldly turning away and leaving me in the dust. I have been asking myself for nearly a year, HOW COULD HE DO THAT?? After all we had, all the sweetness and cooing and intense connection, as you also describe? To me, it's inconceivable -- but even early on, I felt (and expressed to him) that I felt "what goes up must come down -- in equal measure!" What a frightening thought that I would experience the pendulum swinging as far to the left as to the right at some point. He kept assuring me all the way through that the only way he'd live without me is if I "kicked him to the curb." Well, when HE kicked me to the curb it was with steel-tipped boots.

 

I also wonder if the early statements of marriage which my ex and yours got into are connected with this. The impulsivity, the thrill-seeking of love, the "high". It is just such a deep pain to wonder if it ever meant anything at all. How do you deal with that? I am not dealing well at all, each day I feel a sense of humiliation, combined with anger for being somehow tricked, in addition to the sense that no one else will have such an amazing effect on me spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. I'm not sure why, when I think of all the special qualities of our experience, I can only think of it as my loss, even as I can see the bad parts.

 

One last thing, I am VERY intrigued with your #4 and #5, as my ex had been a pathological gambler. Also admitted to that, early on -- but to me it seemed like an asset, because in his case, he had gone into strict abstinence 7 years prior, and had worked diligently and earnestly to rebuild his life from the devastation of his gambling life. He told me at the very beginning, "I used to be a Trojan Horse, capable of exceptional cruelty. Thank God I no longer have that life." I admired him for this and loved it. Not only had he financially nearly finished paying off debts which were huge, he had risen to become a much loved sponsor in a 12-step program (GA). I felt this kind of sterling dedication, persistence and self-redemption could only mean a man of great strength and character. So I shared in his vision of idealisms, our being in love like this for a lifetime and being his "reward" for all the difficulties he'd weathered.

 

Now I wonder if the demons were ever really gone, but that he was just living the life of a "dry drunk" -- that the Trojan Horse still lived. I wondered if the "high" of the racetrack, or laying down 10 grand on a poker table (I have never set foot in a casino) was the same high of the adventure he thought of as "love" and as soon as the reality of who I was and what my needs were started to "cramp his style", that's when the pendulum swung the other way, and he could "cut his losses". Go for the big win, cut the losses, just as though I were a bet. I don't know since I don't play poker! At the end, I felt he had nothing but contempt for me, and the worst sting now is thinking yeah, maybe he thinks about me, but he's doing just fine. After promising that his world would crumble if I were gone (was your ex this melodramatic and poetic?), I am the one feeling like Humpty Dumpty (emphasis on DUMPty), and not even all the king's horses and all the king's men....

 

I don't think he is a player, but I feel that I went from gold to asphalt in a matter of months.

 

I am starting to wonder if he is a narcissist, clinically, and maybe your gf was, too. I have done a lot of research online about narcissism, and it appears one of the HALLMARK traits is that they are absolutely stunning at first, but leave you as though their hearts were gone. There is even a term called "narcissistic supply," which is the energy they suck out of people to fill an empty void inside themselves.

 

I'm really interested in what you said about her "insincerity" in putting down past partners, with your expertise from a poker player's view. Maybe you'll elaborate on that a little? -- especially in view of the fact that my guy was a gamber himself. I wonder if an element of conniving and the joy of manipulation was involved. As you say, I had no such contact and experience with addiction-like disorders before on this scale -- it is a whole different beast. Eating disorders fall into this category. A mental health professional I know said to me recently, "Dont' ever, ever date an addict EVER again. Leave them to other addicts, or people who don't have ANY codependent features (e.g., need to fix things, which I have to a good extent in my sympathetic nature)". I do know of people that have recovered from addiction who got married and it was a happy ending, but now I wonder -- if I had known what I was getting into, instead of admiring him I would have run as hard as I could the other way, JUST because he's an addict. I would love your take from a poker-player's position about the backstory of the previous partners (he kept teling me how no one matched up to me, how I was so far and away beyond anyone and this made me wonder just as you did; was he LYING? what is your take? I am no poker player so enlighten me!)

 

The injustice is that I'M the one going through the worst pain, it seems. It's got to even out, I keep telling myself, but when...? I commend you for putting it all in perspective and being ready to move on with your sight intact, it seems.

 

P.S. I recovered fully in my 20's from anorexia, something which is very, very rare to happen. But because it happened to me, I figured it could happen for someone else to really put addiction behind them.

[servedcold]

Holy smokes, servedcold, your post could have been written by me, only from the woman's point of view!

 

Glad it resonated with you; If many of the people on ENA analyzed their situation with the ex who moves on quickly to another person, they would find lots of similarities, hence I think the discussion belongs in a thread like this. If the OP disagrees, I will gladly move it.

 

...quite a far cry from the self-esteem hellhole I find myself in after my 13-month relationship.

 

None of us is perfect in relationships, the thing to remember most when healing from this sort of thing is that you were damned if you do and damned if you don't, so there was nothing you could do. Either a) you give in to their incessant attention in a like fashion and know that the post honeymoon reality stage of a relationship is the death knell for people like this (they can't form true love, or at least can't with us); or b) you don't give in, try to strategize to be challenging to them, maintain your boundaries, and realize they will soon move on to a more compliant person they can control or get reaction/supply/drama/whatever from. Don't fault yourself for playing a game you could never win.

 

How do you tell someone NOT to be so affectionate because it's making you feel uneasy??)

 

Very difficult, exacerbated in my case by her looks, charm and sexual energy, at first the flattery is overwhelming, "this perfect 10 is persuing me like a dog in heat..." easy to give into. Compounded by the fact that they usually have an army of people chasing them, yet they are chasing us... too good to be true, usually is.

 

(when I'm not blaming myself for "what did I do wrong?" -- he was good at making me question that) from the fact that he was so enamored of me, I couldn't IMAGINE him coldly turning away and leaving me in the dust.

 

Rest assured that anything you did wrong that would have been wrong in a normal relationship was probably not the cause here. The mind of an addict/emotionally disturbed person forms attraction and loses it for reasons known only to their disordered psyche. Too much time spent in analysis is wasted time. Best to just analyze the signs for YOUR future needs.

 

the sense that no one else will have such an amazing effect on me spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. I'm not sure why, when I think of all the special qualities of our experience, I can only think of it as my loss, even as I can see the bad parts.

 

I feel ya here, the best cure for me has been lots and lots of contact with emotionally normal people, getting emotional needs met in a more normal way. Imagine also riding a rollercoaster, where every time you got off you would have to give a pint of blood. Though the ride is incredible, do you truly deep in your heart, want to get back on? If you did get back on, how much more riding could you take before you passed out? If we ride until our blood is gone, what does that say of our strength, self-respect and integrity. I won't be getting on that ride again, thanks.

 

One last thing, I am VERY intrigued with your #4 and #5, as my ex had been a pathological gambler. Now I wonder if the demons were ever really gone, but that he was just living the life of a "dry drunk"

 

I don't think he is a player, but I feel that I went from gold to asphalt in a matter of months.

 

Haha I like the "dry drunk" image as it applies to relationships. Relationship/love/sex addiction is socially allowed in our culture, where many other addictions are frowned upon. Is it any wonder that these personalities get their jollies via the love high? Tolerance, as in physical tolerance to the addictive substance, seems to be a common theme here on ENA. No single person can be a continuing supply of the fix for a love high addict.

 

I am starting to wonder if he is a narcissist, clinically, and maybe your gf was, too.

 

Be careful of the categories shrinks use to compartmentalize personality disorders for treatment. My ex was diagnosed anxiety disorder/mild OCD/more serious bulimic, and told me herself she believed she was codependent. I believe that she is easily diagnosable borderline and shows strong histrionic tendencies and some narcissism. All these categories really mean nothing for relationship purposes, and even generally I believe. What matters is whether the person has a strong enough moral compass and strength to form a commited loving relationship or not despite their symptoms, and specifically, whether they can form such with US. Nothing else really matters, and analysis and categorizing is wasted time. I believe that my ex may be able to fix her problems with the right person, the OM she left me for leads a highly structured life, is supposedly religious, and may represent the discipline she needs to get better. For his sake I hope so, because if not, he is gonna find himself absent a few pints after the ride...

 

I'm really interested in what you said about her "insincerity" in putting down past partners, with your expertise from a poker player's view. Maybe you'll elaborate on that a little?

 

These types of people are easy to spot rationalizing/lying, I'm no human lie detector, we just look the other way. My ex constantly talked about the failings of exes to get sympathy, everything from sexual performance to intellect and mannerisms. Taking sex as an example, she constantly talked about their physical dimensions or how they were "lousy in bed." Sex with her was great in some ways, but control issues (frequent but always on her terms/intimacy issues - wanted little foreplay, other unpostable things) caused our sex to be much less than it could be. On reflection, I have seen that these constant comments were really a) part of her power games/ manipulation strategy to plant doubt in my mind about my adequacy, though ostensibly favorable comparisons or b) reflections on her own insecurities, neither healthy. Also, on another level, continuous talk about exes is a red flag because it shows disrespect. At the end of our relationship, she knew almost nothing about any of my exes, but I knew tons about hers, most bad.

 

A mental health professional I know said to me recently, "Dont' ever, ever date an addict EVER again. Leave them to other addicts, or people who don't have ANY codependent features (e.g., need to fix things, which I have to a good extent in my sympathetic nature)".

 

Let's follow that very good advice

 

P.S. I recovered fully in my 20's from anorexia, something which is very, very rare to happen. But because it happened to me, I figured it could happen for someone else to really put addiction behind them.

 

Congratulations on your recovery. My ex had been institutionalized within 7 years and presented many bulimic behaviors during our relationship, which I unwisely thought just quirky (won't go into a laundry list here). I think an unrecovered bulimic is the flip side of the male alcoholic/gambling addict. I would never hesitate to date a person who had an emotional/addictive past, but it would need to be -far- in the past, and showing little if any signs of raring up again.

[HulloThere]

hey tired,

 

yes its very possible if you ever opened up any files from him he could have installed a keylogger to your computer and have your keystrokes sent to him remotely. Now that takes a lot of effort and some sneaky planning on his part so I don't think there is a high chance he has done it. He certainly sounds capable since its not too difficult if you are a computer professional. I know a lot of insecure guys that put keyloggers on their gf's computers but it takes it to another step actually imbedding one into a picture or program file and having those logs sent remotely. I don't know what kinda guy he is but if he hasnt had access to your computer directly, I would doubt you have a keylogger on your comp.

[1guygirl]

oh this thread is sooooo my dumper ex...

 

one min going through how we'd handle the birth....next day i was out the door. few days after that on his face party its was lynn,lynn,lynn.....and he never looked back, took her on our 'honeymoon' blah di blah

 

cpl weeks prior to the split we had a spat and he hissed he'd been talking to girls on faceparty behind my back - which when we made up he denied totally, yet he got all defensive when i sprung his faceparty account

 

hes not a strong enough person or mature enough or anything enough to do the decent thing of ending one relationship and then goin through all the growing and reflecting that should be done...instead he checked out this other woman, online then instigated an argument, blew it all out of proportion so he could justify dumping me at 4 weeks pregnant (planned by the way) and persue this lynn and others under the guise that he finnished me first so that he didnt cheat and did the right thing. sorry but to me this makes him as bad as his ex wife who cheated on him (something which he clearly didnt want to be classed as 'the same') but hes a cheating lying 2 faced COWARD. see in the past he always bucked and came running or would at least talk...but this time no...well there was someone new who he would have less insecurities with, and could prob control that bit better. guess it was curtains there and then...he was a vampire with me to build his own shattered self, then for whatever reason in that sick head of his, he decided to swing, like a monkey swings throughs trees - moving onto the next branch whilst still holding onto the last one. yeah it sucks and its been hell but im out of an abusive relationship that was destroying me and now im beginning to re-love myself - can he say he will be in happier place in the long run??? im feeling bit bitter today so will say i hope not!

 

ive cut ALL contact and he cant see me or the baby on faceparty cos ive deleted file...im moving on but i do hope that he realises he lost a good honest loving woman with flaws and all - but end of day does it really matter long as i end up a happier person without him!

 

good riddence to bad bad rubbish

[tiredofvampires]

(wonderful post, servedcold, will return to it to reply)

 

Hullo, thanks a lot for the info, again! Since this came up, I asked a friend about this, though he doesn't know as much as you seem to, and he said that since I use a Mac (and so does my ex), it is a lot harder to install "spyware" (is that what the keylogger thingy is?) than on PCs. To your knowledge, it that true?

 

I wish I knew "what kind of person he is" myself, but I learned that I thought I did, and found he was capable of snooping into e-mails when it was readily available (on his computer, on a folder). He invaded my privacy on a much easier scale, and it shocked me, I thought we respected eachother more than that. But we have been broken up for about 10 months, and much of that was NC time (his initiative), only recently we have been in very minimal contact so his motivations for going through all that sneaking and craftiness would be questionable, but at the same time, I don't know where his headspace is at the moment. He had some unstable qualities (posts above!) and it IS possible he would be curious enough to know how I've been moving on. To what degree he would try to go to lengths you describe is uncertain, but if it's not hard for a professional computer guy, maybe he'd just do it...the only attachments he's sent me are a music file and pics. I only wonder because his responses to me started out cordial and then SUDDENLY changed/shifted. This could be for other reasons, but it was out of character, so I wondered if he was indeed trying to assess my life from afar and finding out information that he didn't like.

 

So I guess the bottom line is -- how do I find out if I have had a keylogger installed and will it tell me who installed it IF he did (identify him)? Do I need a very smart IT person? Sorry this sounds so psycho, but he was in the business of crazymaking, and I don't want a privacy breach I don't even know about on this machine!!

[SuperDave71]

Tiredofvampires...

 

Purchase "Webroot Spysweeper" from BestBuy or some other software store.

 

I am in IT and this will find a keylogger placed on your system. I can help you in anyway on this subject. Just let me know.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[HulloThere]

hey tired,

 

if you have a MAC i wouldn't be too worried then. A Mac is just as vulnerable as a PC but since its user base is so small, there is not a wide availability of "malware" like there is on a PC. Yah it is still possible, but having a MAC lessens those chances even more. While I personally could easily embed a keylogged into a picture file on a PC... it would take quite a lot of effort on my part to do the same on a MAC. I don't even know if its possible cause im not really familiar with macs in that sense but it would definitely take much much more effort. I would just use an updated virus scanner and I think you should be alright.

[ramsickle1369]

This all has to do with lack of maturity and not being able to handle a relationship in a proper way. When you started having these impulses why did you not end it then? All you were thinking about was yourself. Why did you not talk to your SO about what was going on inside you, again lack of integrity, respect and maturity. All of this has to do with how you are feeling about yourself and project it on to your SO by hiding things then dumping.

 

I know this sounds harsh but this is the way I see it. You wanted your safety net until you were for sure.

 

Go ahead and flame me. I can't tolerate messing with other people’s emotions.

 

Sarge,

 

I'm not going to flame you at all... You don't know the whole story. Everyone's entitled to their opinion and I welcome the input.

 

It really had a lot more to do with insecurities than maturity. You are right... I should not have been in that relationship. I had similar feelings about 7 years prior to the breakup (2 years prior to marrying, BTW) and I managed to choke it down and work things out with my X. I did talk with my X about what I was feeling. He swore he'd pay more attention to me and make me a priority. We had many many heart-to-hearts... about every month for about 7 years... and all 7 years believing whole-heartedly that it would somehow change. All 7 years knowing that I loved him and that we could work it out. All 7 years without ANY other man on my mind. Then, one fateful day, 7 years of neglect and empty promises gave way.

 

So the so-called "lack of integrity, respect and maturity" isn't exactly true. And, for the record, the SECOND I realized that I had feelings for another, I began to think it thru and three weeks later moved out, one week after that, ended the marriage. So it's not like it went on months on end--I don't know how ANYONE could handle the anxiety and stress that long!

 

All in all, it was about 4 weeks of deciding... There were really only about 2 weeks, two VERY CONFUSING weeks that it was "hidden".

 

 

I can't tolerate messing with other people’s emotions.

Now, you tell me, who was messing with emotions? I was wracked with emotional trauma and upheaval myself. I tried with all my might to suppress what I instantly knew I had to do. I didn’t want to hurt HIM. I hoped and prayed constantly for another option. But there wasn’t one. MY emotions had been played with for 7 years and I just sat in it waiting for him to make me a priority. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and cried incessantly, lost 30 pounds in about 2 months. You telling me that I was only “messing with his emotions” is a bit short-sighted, don’t ya think?

[macgyver4ever]

Ramsickle,

 

That is probably the most emotional, most incredible post I have ever read. Hearing your story I see how it happened, and understand. You handled it as well as could be hoped, and I applaud you. It only takes one straw the break the camels back, and the other guy gave you what you needed.

 

I wish I could say I treated my ex badly, even for a second. We had a small personality difference, and after 4 years, things had gotten stale. The new guy gave her an escape, and new life, and the freedom she desired. I resent her for doing it because she didn't do it like you did. She ended things right away like you, but took me back and stay with me while seeing him for 3 months. Then after I broke up with her after finding out, she strung me along for 2 more months making me think up until the last day, that things were doing to work out with us. Tell me the whole time how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she was confused. She put no effort into us, while i gave everything in my heart.

 

Honestly, if I felt I treated my ex wrong, I could honestly say she did the right thing. There was something missing in our relationship, something very small but noticeable. It really wasn't something to end a 4 year relationship over, and I am finding out that the something missing was on her end, not mine. I don't blame her for that, but I blame her for how she treated me, my family, and her own.

[ramsickle1369]

Thanks Mac,

 

Most times it isn't about anything big... It is the small things that get bigger over time. I'm sorry to hear that she strung you along, that sucks... that was my biggest fear. I didn't want to do that. I guess she didn't have the strength to take time for herself--which she will ultimately need. Not taking the time to properly let go and get centered before starting a new relationship will have it's ramifications down the line.

 

We all need to have our own lives and although it sucks, sounds like in the long run, she may have done you a favor.

 

What was it that she did to her family? Were the things that she did in the end present before that?

[macgyver4ever]

Thanks Mac,

 

Most times it isn't about anything big... It is the small things that get bigger over time. I'm sorry to hear that she strung you along, that sucks... that was my biggest fear. I didn't want to do that. I guess she didn't have the strength to take time for herself--which she will ultimately need. Not taking the time to properly let go and get centered before starting a new relationship will have it's ramifications down the line.

 

We all need to have our own lives and although it sucks, sounds like in the long run, she may have done you a favor.

 

What was it that she did to her family? Were the things that she did in the end present before that?

 

You are right about her not taking time for herself. Even during the break up when she needed to spend some time alone to figure out who she wanted to be with, she refused to be alone. She would go out drinking 3-4 times a week (or more) and spend every waking moment with him. She told me that she couldn't spend time to herself, because the thought of what she was losing (giving up) was too much. She said her mind was telling her to stay with me but her heart said to go with him. The whole exciting newness thing. He offered her the big city, parties, and a new life, while I offered the future of family, comfort, etc.

 

I've missed her and her family a lot lately. They were really good to me, and were my family. When my ex started cheating, she dropped everyone from her life except her friends and this boy. She would not return my or her parents phone calls, and when she did she was short and angry. She was very disrespectful to us, and lost her parents trust. Her father had a heart attack early on in the break up, and after he got home from the hospital, she went out drinking and was gone for 4 straight days instead of taking care of her father. She didn't even call to check on him. Her parents also needed help with some bills so that they could save their house, and instead of helping with a little money, she moved out so she did not have to help.

 

By then end, her parents had more respect for me, because I treated them right, and once my Ex realized this, she said I could no longer talk to them. It's all very sad.

[deelove2010]

wow I have read some great post on here!

 

I was only with my EX for 11mths and we did break up 6mths into our relantionship but got back together again!

 

but towards the end of the relantionship I could see the signs that things weren't going as smoothly as I thought, so I started to distant myself from her too, I was going through a HELL of a lot of stress, I lost my Dad suddenly as he had a major stroke and this effected me big time, but after argument after argument she called it a day saying her feelings had swicthed off and she couldn't swicth them back on!

 

we got together 3mths after my dad passed away so never really dealt with the loss of my farther, this effected everything in our relantionship, to our sex life to normal day to day living

 

we both were just exsiting day to day, I really didn't know what the future had for the both of us!

 

We have been apart for over 4 and a half mths now and I believe her feeling for me have totally faded, but she did get in contact with me after 3mths of NC by email wanting to know if I'm alright, if I'm still at my old job and what I have been up to!

 

This left me angry to think why she contacted me so I found out that she was going off travelling for a whole year in OZ ( down under ) on the 1st of july this really hurt me but I sent her a email wishing her all the best on her trip and hopefully after a year or so we could hook up as mates so we can catch up, but I have heard nothing since!

 

can you really turn off your feeling for someone if you been with them for 11mths it was coming up to a year two weeks before we broke up!

 

I still feel love not in love but love if you know what I mean, I was wondering if you can really swicth off feelings or do they get covered over with all the angry feelings of the relantionship

[ramsickle1369]

Mac,

 

It sounds like she has a severe fear of intimacy. She didn’t want to be around anyone that would make her thing about her own integrity. She was feeling guilty and that’s why she would drink, not be alone, etc. When left to contemplate your own actions, one can get very disturbed. Eventually, she’s going to have to deal with herself—unfortunately, that may not be for some years to come. She didn’t want a reality check. She wanted to live in the moment without thinking about anyone else’s concerns for her well-being.

 

Many of us go thru this process, btw. I did. But I didn’t go to that extreme. It was actually the opposite. I have several people in the hospital, a death, all kinds of crap all at once. Being close to my family was the only thing that got me thru it all. But my closest friend and I had it out a couple of times. Luckily, it all worked out in the end. It’s hard to lose people you thought were your family. If you can take it, keep in touch with them. Avoid her, but if you truly love them as if they are your family, there’s no reason that should end. Just because two people break up, doesn’t mean you have to sever all ties to the people you shared.

 

Dee,

 

I think that phrase “my feelings have turned off” is a total load of crap. Feelings do change, and sometimes they become more plutonic—which they may have been meant to be all along. Sometimes there are other things happening that people can’t deal with so they shut down. I think maybe you’re right—the feelings of love can easily be overshadowed by the anger and resentment and pent-up resistance.

 

There are also many types of “love”. The way you love your mom and pop, bro and sis, best friend, the casual people in your life, you love them all in some way. But there’s something different about loving THAT person. Maybe the love you have for her isn’t meant to be the kind you marry for. Maybe it was just a great person in your life which you have learned a lot from. Accept the blessing that you experienced what you did, knowing there is deeper love out there for you.

 

There’s an old email saying that I’ve seen a couple of times… it’s called: “Reason, Season and Lifetime”

 

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

…

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

or to provide you with guidance and support,

to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

...

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

...

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

...

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

the season eventually ends.

...

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.

...

[macgyver4ever]

Mac,

 

It sounds like she has a severe fear of intimacy. She didn’t want to be around anyone that would make her thing about her own integrity. She was feeling guilty and that’s why she would drink, not be alone, etc. When left to contemplate your own actions, one can get very disturbed. Eventually, she’s going to have to deal with herself—unfortunately, that may not be for some years to come. She didn’t want a reality check. She wanted to live in the moment without thinking about anyone else’s concerns for her well-being.

 

 

 

So when someone "acts out" like this what do you do. I'm def not waiting around, but is this sometime I forgive in time? I want to forgive her, but I don't think I can let her back into my life. Not after this. Should I?

 

I wish it was as simple as a fear of commitment or intimacy. She had a lot of issues by then end, and just ran from them. We went to relationship counseling, and it ended up turning into counseling just for her. She said she would go back on her own, but I know she never will. That is the only way I could ever think of having her in my life again; if she got help. She's also one of the people that easily falls to peer pressure, and is VERY immature. She has a lot of growing up to do, and I can't be around for it. Too bad she had to hurt me, and cheat on me to do this. I could have forgiven her a lot easier if she wouldn't have been so selfish.

[ramsickle1369]

Oh Mac,

 

I so can feel your pain. The only thing you can do is offer her the unconditional love she clearly seems to be seeking—but believes she will never find. It doesn’t matter what you do, she needs to believe she is worthy of the love she is likely so desperate to find. It starts with self-love. I bet she can’t look in the mirror without wishing she had done many many things differently. All you can do is be straight with her. Offer her the conscience she lacks—but be kind about it. Much as it hurts to be hurt, it’s far more devastating to be the one doing the hurting and incapable of stopping it. Give it time. Envision how you would want someone to treat you if you were in those shoes.

 

When my g/f and I got into a huge fight, she pushed and pushed me away. I could clearly see that she EXPECTED that I’d see her faults and hold them against her. I didn’t. It hurt when she and I had our tiff—but all I could hear from her was HELP ME! She wasn’t ready to face her demons and she reflected them onto me. In due time, after about a month of my not accepting any IM’s or calls, something traumatic happened and I no longer cared how she hurt me. I knew she needed me and I was her friend, so I dropped everything and let it all go. Albeit, it’s different when it’s a bf/gf relationship, but I see the same things in what you’re telling me about your X.

 

Don’t worry, in due time you will forgive her. You will accept her flaws. Whether it returns to the type of relationship you currently desire, well, only time will tell that one. I think she does need support and to face her fears. Until she faces those insecurities, she will be nothing but toxic to anyone because she is seeking approval from outside sources when she needs to be accepting approval from herself.

 

For you, tho… you need to do the same. You did all you could and you know in your heart you were a good person to her. That’s all that matters. Follow the very best intentions in your heart and do not let the anger or fears force you to react the same way or stop you from enjoying each and every moment. Life is simply too short to let other people’s actions ruin yours.

 

Let the light inside YOU shine thru all the adversity. This way you will continue to build happiness within you and that will draw many people to you. Walk in love. Smile when it hurts. Cry when you have to let it out. Stay quiet when you want to scream. Speak with integrity. Keep the things you say nonjudgmental and caring. If you speak with the love in your heart, you can never go wrong.