Too untrusting for my own good?

[swampyankee]

I'm struggling with trust issues with my fiancee. I was divorced for less than a year after 30 yr marriage, she was divorced for 5 years after a 15 year marriage when we met. She admitted to cheating on her ex. She claimed it was at the end of a very difficult marriage and she felt it was the last act of a desperate woman looking for a love that her ex never gave her. I too had a fling as soon as I left my ex (within a week) but well before we divorced. My ex still had hope at that point (even though I told her there was none), so she considers that I cheated on her. So I suppose that makes me a cheater as well.

 

My fiancee was single for longer than I and she had several dates, some one-night-stands, a couple booty calls and a couple boyfriends. She stated that during that time she was very lonely and had low self-esteem, and she kind of abandoned her morals for a while. She even said at one point that she wouldn't have had a problem dating a married man. It was his problem if he chose to be unfaithful, not hers. She seems to have a different view now. And her friends attest to the fact that she is a very different and much happier person since we've been together. She says now she wants nothing less than to be a faithful wife and partner.

 

We had a strong connection since the day we met, and from the beginning have talked about a "4 year plan" to be married. We've been living together, pretty much as a married couple for the last 2 years. We do everything together, argue very little, share the the same thoughts opinions and sense of humor, have the same interests and are the partners we hoped that our ex's could've been.

 

My problem is that I worry sometimes that she might run into an old flame or FWB and decide to hook up. I even worry that she might be seeing someone occasionally even now. I have no basis for suspicion whatsoever except that her job takes her out on the road locally. Even so, there are very few hours during the day that we are out of communication, both by choice (she texts, IM's and calls me whenever she has a chance) and due to the fact that we work together on a trade association board. It's not all the time, but it doesn't take much (usually when she's in a bad mood or PMS'ing lol) before my imagination runs and I start wondering if she's got something going on the side.

 

Maybe it's just my fear of giving my all to a relationship and discovering later that I was taken for a chump. But I suffered for 30 years with the wrong person and sacrificed alot to get out of it (waited for the kids to be grown). I don't want to make a mistake and find myself in a different kind of bad situation.

 

Not sure what I'm asking here, but I guess I'm just confessing my lack of trust and looking for ways to just take this woman at face value and be able to love her without reserve.

[shuttlefish]

You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible.

Anton Chekhov

 

These are the good days swamp, enjoy them and don't allow them to be poisoned by mistrust.

[robintoronto]

Trust and relationship goes together. Without trust, its only a matter of time before you lose the relationship.

 

Talk about this with her, work on your trust issues with a counsellor, do something but don't let it fester.

[swampyankee]

shuttlefish - Yes, these are the good days, the best of my life in a long time. After each of us struggled in a bad relationship for so long, we're continually amazed at how great being with the right person is. Being the skeptic that I am, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this kind of happiness and I'm expecting something to happen that will screw it up.

 

robintoronto - I hesitate to dump all of this on her, but I have brought up some of my feelings. We've had some good honest discussions and she says she has similar insecurities. But she is very reassuring that she is dedicated to me as I am to her.