I can't do this...please reply

[Sally7829]

5 weeks ago, 3 days before my 26th birthday. my bf (31) of 3 1/2 years told me "it wasn't meant to be," and that he "just knew" there was someone else out there...

 

this came after a year of house shopping, ring shopping, planning for the future, traveling together, and everything else indicative of a wonderful relationship. and it was. it was AMAZING. the chemistry between us was great. he was the most caring, thoughtful, considerate man i had ever dated. we spent all of our time together. we both come from wonderful families, and spent tons of time with both of them over the past few years. our families were as shocked as i was when he called the whole thing off.

 

for the past 5 weeks, i have thought that eventually, he would realize that he'd made a mistake, that he was just afraid to make the final committment (hell, it was when he was shopping for an engagement ring that he realized he just couldn't do it...) but since this time has passed, i've realized that that just isn't going to happen. that he's serious. that he really knows. problem is, i DON'T know, and i don't know how to move past this hope for a future. but i know i have to.

 

i don't know how to stop dwelling on how amazing our relationship was. i can't look back and say "well this sucked," or "i didn't like that he did that," because it was good. honestly good. it was mature, it was supportive. but apparently, it was not honest. because for 3 1/2 years, he told me that he wanted me to be his wife. that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. but obviously he doesn't. what makes it hard is that i don't think he was lying to me; i think he wasn't honest with himself, deep down inside of him. but that doesn't change the fact that i believed him, with every ounce of my soul, and gave myself to him in a way i never thought i would offer to anyone, other than a husband.

 

and it's not about "i don't love you anymore." he's still clear with the fact that he loves me dearly, but that he just thinks there's someone else out there for both of us.

 

i wake up every day and think "i can't do this." i just need someone out there to tell me how to do this. i just don't know how my entire life, the entire vision of my life, and the most important thing in it, could be gone, and how i can be expected to get through it...

 

and the NC rule is dang near impossible in our situation... his father and i work together. we have a lot of mutual friends. i can't escape!

 

how do you move past someone where the break up was not only so sudden, but also so devoid of closure (ie, no cheating, no real "reason" other than some ephemeral "it's not meant to be.")...

[Mun]

There is only one way to move past this Sally, you go right through it. You tell yourself that you did everything right, you were committed, you were mature and you were sure of what you wanted. Your ex, on the other hand, got cold feet at the last moment and because he was able to let you go so quickly then possibly he is not the right one for you.

 

I know this is very hard for you to have to let all your hopes for the future go like this, but he gave you no choice. He decided for both of you. Be strong because it's not going to be easy.

 

I hope he changes his mind when he realizes what he has lost. If not then one day you will meet "the one" and then you will know that this one was just "not meant to be" and you will be thankful that he left so that you could find him.

 

Hang in there.

[DeStRuCtIvE_HeArT]

all i can say is...WOW. i'm sorry to read how devastating u may be about this whole breakup. But look at it this way....at least, u kno that the relationship was built on a lie. Yea, he didn't cheat on u or showed any kind of abuse to destroy both of ur relationship. But in sum kind of way, i feel it sort of is an abuse...the abuse of NOT telling the truth. He lied to you the whole time and he couldn't be truthful about it. I don't know but most men seem to hide their true feelings afraid that they'll hurt the ones they love. May be that's how he felt...may be he felt that he'd hurt you and so may be he did his best to try to love you...the way he wanted u to believe. But I think that wat scared him was...(like u said) the shopping of the engagement ring. "The commitment"...marriage. I think it prolly was killing him inside all along. Guys like him...has a hard time with communication. Obviously, since he's NOT told u his true feelings from the start. I think ur better off and know now that...the next relationship u will find...LOOK for communication. Look for a guy who's NOT afraid to show how they feel...go beyond the exterior and go beyond how good they treat you...feel deep within them...go deep...search their inner soul. That to me....you will come to find out who they REALLY are rather than who you think they really are. learn to read between the lines.

 

Better luck next time..there's plenty out there. Just be more selective. communication in all relationships is the foundation...the key to bringing a couple that much closer...the key to understanding and knowing how one another REALLY is.

 

Keep smiling...there's still hope in ur future.

[goodquestion]

wow, that would throw anyone for a loop, all I can say is wow. I just find it hard to believe that this guy could hide his feelings so well for 3.5 years, because if he did, he deserves an oscar.

 

I mean, why IN THE WORLD would he waste both of your time? It just baffles me ... he may not have cheated, but you'll find out if there is/was another "potential" in his sites within a short while, because he'll be dating her soon _IF_ she exists.

 

Like everyone else stated, it's seems good that it's over ... it would have been much worse if you were actually married, and he wanted out ... but then again, it doesn't hurt any less. Prayers are with you sugar ...

 

l8r

[cassiana]

This sounds to me like classic cold feet. He is afraid that you are not the one. What he needs is to go out there and get stomped on by life a few times and then he will appreciate you. I have written before about friends and acquaintances left high and dry by you insimilar circumstances only to have the man ( not always but mostly) realise his mistake and return. I know of one girl who was dumped the day before her wedding and he came back nine months later and now they are married. So there is hope but BE WARNED IT DOESNT ALWAYS HAPPEN.

What you must do is forget him and get on with your life. Go out date and do all the things you want. You may meet someone better, you may forget him, he may come crawling back but for now you must move on.

Good Luck.

[Vert]

Sally, I feel your pain, I really do. My ex-gf and I dated for two years, I proposed to her last month, and she gave the ring back to me saying (and I quote) "I don't think we have a future together, and I can't see having kids with you". It is basically the equivalent of what your ex-bf told you about "someone else for us both". She later told me that she'd felt this way for a year but was comfortable in the relationship. I've since learned that in the past two weeks we've done NC, she has been to clubs and/or bars about 4x and goes out regularly with groups of people. To me that doesn't sound like someone that's grieving a relationship loss, but then again the dumper never feels as bad as the dumpee from what I hear.

 

Anyway, I'm just saying that I understand where you're coming from. I would take Muneca's advice as well as she generally gives good stuff

[cassiana]

I have a friend who dated a guy for four years and then dumped him. He was devastated but she went wild. She went out every night for six weeks. After a year she came back to him and now they are married. As someone on the other end of things I tried to get out of her why she did it. She couldn't really explain. I suppose that she had been with him through her twenties and needed to have a ffling or something.

[auburnslp]

some great replies here...Vert, Muneca, Cassiana...good stuff...

 

Here's my thoughts...

 

First of all, my situation was almost exactly like yours. Three plus years, wonderful, chemistry, love, best sex ever, etc...I proposed. She got cold feet, and ran...back to her ex husband.

 

I don't think he was lying to you during all your time together. I am sure he loves you dearly. He panicked. I wouldn't even say he is a commitment-phobe, though there are many of them out there, but the fact that you guys were house hunting and talking marriage for so long does not lead me to that conclusion. I think he got scared...and whether he comes back or not, well this is out of your control, so hence, the way to go now is to try your absolute hardest to put it out of your thoughts...

 

Here's the thing...questions to ask also. He will either come back or he won't. If he does, you two can move forward with lessons learned and insights gained. If he doesn't, well clearly it was not meant to be. If it was meant to be, you two would be together...end of story. Logic dictates that, and despite all the truths inherent in your relationship, the love, caring, devotion, the fact of the matter is that he is not with you now, and may never be again, so if that is the case, it was not meant to be. The questions? Can you in any way control what is happening now? What he is doing, searching for? Answer is no. If you try, you will push him away. The only thing we can do in times like these is to be the person we have always been...but stopping short of being a doormat and letting that ex with the desire to go away have his or her cake and eat it too. If you see those warning signs, the "let's be friends", maybe with benefits thing, hanging out, while he is exploring other options and possibilities while you are not, and still wrapped up in hopes for him, then it will be time for strict NC, at whatever cost and effort it takes to achieve that. Be fair to you here sweet...be fair to you. As hard as it is.

 

As far as moving on and healing? No clear answers and the unfortunate truth is it just takes some time. There is no advice you can get now, no amount of crying that will take away the pain...just time. There are strategies to shorten that necessary time, and they do work. NC is one. Forcing yourself to not crawl up in bed and cry is another, to get out with friends even when it is completely sad and unsatisfying. New hobbies, focusing on yourself...all can shorten the time needed to heal. Listen, I was exactly where you were about 4 months ago...my life seemed over...thought I wanted to just die. It just takes time. Now I feel great again, I'm me again. Still miss her, but now I am moving on, have left her behind, never want to see her again...all healthy, great stuff. It's almost impossible for you to believe that this will happen for you, but I can absolutely promise you it will...

 

Some things in life, no matter how perfect they seem, are just not meant to be. And there is a reason for everything...I completely believe that. I am so very sorry you are hurting now, because I know exactly how you feel. A memory that will stay with me forever-the pain I dealt with over having what I thought was the love of my life leaving so abruptly...and it was so quick, just like your situation...not a gradual thing at all.

 

You and he may end up together forever, as a few of the previous posts have implied. Of course it is possible...but I warn you...that hope is a dangerous thing...it prevents us from doing what we need to do to begin moving forward. The healthier way to look at it is to try to focus on you, not on "us". I know it is so hard to do so, but give that effort.

 

And know this...I am not lying to you...it will get better. I promise you that. It will. And like me, you will be ok. I would have never guessed that I would be writing these things 4 months ago, but I am, and so will you, in your time. You will be ok sweet...I promise...

 

Good luck, be strong as you are able...with love, Michael

[Sally7829]

I just wish there that was some glass ball I could look into and realize that it was really going to be ok. it's the uncertainty that kills me the most!

 

and the fear of not being able to trust anyone again, coupled by the intense desire to throw myself head-first right back into another relationship, to feel wanted and needed and loved again. it's such a catch 22. so much so i don't know how to handle it when i meet someone i am interested in. i want to run away and run to them at the same time.

 

but in the end, of course, i want my ex just to run back, with his tail between his legs, begging foregiveness. i wish!

[Mun]

Sally,

 

Hang in there girl. You know it always gets worst before it gets better. I know how much you are hurting, and you have every reason to be upset.

 

Instead of rushing into a new relationship try focusing on yourself right now. On getting your heart back to a healthy state, it's not going to be quick and easy, it's going to take time, but you can do it. If you try and get into a new relationship with the need to be loved and needed you run the risk of getting yourself into a co-dependent situation. That's the last thing you need right now Sally.

 

There is something better out there waiting for you, you just need to heal yourself first. You don't need a glass ball to tell you that things will be ok. They will be. Every relationship is a stepping stone to the next one--an opportunity to grow- until we find the one. If he was able to let you go so easily, then maybe he is not the one for you.

 

Keep doing things that will keep you busy. Spend time with friends and family, that's what you need right now. We are here for you too... vent all you want .

[caveat]

He got scared...pure and simple. Give him some time and space and bear in mind that he was thinking of FOREVER. There is something to be said about someone who truly considers of what this means. Too often times people leap before they look. If there is solace to find in your situation find it in the fact that he understands exactly what that level of commitment means and does not take it lightly.

 

Let him have the opportunity to think about this on his own. His fear of committing to you for the rest of his life may get overshadowed by the fear of losing you forever.

 

Be strong and show him exactly the type of woman he risks losing.

 

Caveat

[Sally7829]

i met this guy this weekend, and was shocked by the fact that i was interested in him... it actually took me by surprise to feel attracted to him. but in hindsight, i realized what i was attracted to were the qualities in him that mirrored my ex. the same look, the same build, the same shyness, and initially, the same persistance. after meeting him while out with mutual friends, we spent the whole evening talking, and he called just minutes after getting home. that persistance is exactly like my ex was.

 

but it quickly fizzled. we talked once on the phone. and then i emailed him once a couple days ago, and there has been no response. i wasn't even THAT interested, but the feeling of rejection, in his not responding, is absolutely overwhelming. and it doesn't make sense, to the extent that i didn't really care about HIM. but i wanted to feel attractive to someone, and have someone interested in me -- and when i felt that way the first night we met, it felt GOOD.

 

but that feeling has been intensely overshadowed by his lack of contact for the past couple days. it just reminds me he is NOT my ex. and i think: i just don't know ho to do THIS! how to interact with others i'm attracted to; how to stop myself from feeling so hurt over something so insignificant. but this just sucks. i didn't even WANT to meet someone, but when i did, and they so quickly cast me aside, it feels HORRIFIC.

 

i think, more than anything, i want to find a reason that my break up with my ex MAKES SENSE, and thinking that i could find the one, that they would suddenly come into my life, was like making sense of all of it. but of course, that's not what's happening, and i know it. i just WISH it was.

[Fill]

Hey Sally, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's been hard for you these recently, but take it one day at a time. It's cool that you met a guy you were attracted to recently, but I would recommend you to heal before you get back out there. I sorta understand your situation. After my ex left me I wanted that feeling of being loved and appreciated by someone again. During my third week of NC, I actually wanted to look for somebody. I tried to talk to this one woman, but I soon realized that I was comparing her to my ex and it wasn't right. I would look at her and compare her personality with my ex and I realized this wasn't right. I made the mistake of thinking I was over my ex and ready to jump back into the dating process all over again. Like you said, you also pointed out a negative that haunted you during your relationship with your ex which also caused you to feel past feelings when the new guy didn't reply to your e-mail. Right now I'm in the 5th week of NC and I'm feeling a little better than I was a week ago and now I realize that I won't even look for another woman until I am completely over my ex. I'll know when that'll be when I won't compare the new person I'm trying to win over with my past. My advice is to just take it easy, take it day by day, and heal at your own pace. The people on this forum gave you great advice, so try to soak that in and heal. Good luck with your situation. PM me if you need.