Sometimes leaving a relationship to fate is hard!

[rainey07]

After 2 years of being in a relationship, my boyfriend tells me he is no longer in love with me and that he thinks its best we leave. We did have alot of disagreements, never yelling or any physical abuse, just both of getting annoyed with each other and growing further apart. Now having the time to think about it, I severed all contact and got on with it. I have being seeing a therapist for 4 months about my insecurities and lack of trusting people and coming to terms in understanding why I am like this. My boyfriend was being very supportive but seeing now I really need to do this by myself, so being together now is good, obviously sad but a good thing. I want to be able to come to a point where I am strong, confident and independent. I relied heavily on him in looking for that stillness when I need to find that in myself firstly. We have been apart for 2 months now and he flew back to Australia yesterday, unsure of whether he will return to London or not. I am also from Australia and still plan to be around for another 2-3 years. But, we caught up over the weekend, numerous times and it was so fantastic to see him. Has made me realise how much he means to me and i know he feels the same but he said he could not take my insecurities and constantly needing confirmation of our love. I see that now and have discussed this with him. Was a very sad goodbye, with both of us crying throughout the evening and his final feelings were he loved me and he wants to get to the point where he will want to work on it and come and find me, where ever i am and that he is very confused. I mean who doesn't want the fairytale ending? does it really happen? I am getting on with my life and i can't help but feel hope is there for us. he might return to london in january/february and trust that perhaps through this time now until then, i would have worked through my issues and hopefully come to a better understanding of me and perhaps we could get to know each other again. As my heading suggested, its hard leaving our feelings to fate. perhaps he might forget about me? meet someone else? but i know i can give him all of me, once i figure out who exactly i am! i know he knows this too. Whether any reply comes from this, but i feel better having said my thoughts out into the world and yeah if our paths cross again, then i will see him there.

 

Question whether I should cut my losses and severe contact again and don't bank on him and i meeting up again or have hope and remain in contact.

 

??

[rainey07]

ps .... he did also say not to think he will return to london nor give me any guarantee what he is doing.

 

perhaps i should just forget about him? but how do you ignore feelings of love??!!

[shockeddismayed]

Rainey...

 

I think you are doing the right thing. You've recognized some insecurities in yourself that need work. You should focus all of your energy and fixing those things.

 

I can understand a bit where your EX is coming from. My EX actually ended up dumping me b/c of what she now is realizing were her issues and inability to trust in my love.

 

I had spent 7 years trying to prove to her that my feelings were legit, but whenever things weren't perfect (ie whenever I felt like I needed her to pick up some of the slack), she'd back away.

 

In the end, I was going through a tough time, feeling incomplete support from her... got resentful... then she left.

 

Point is... these things can spiral out of control. You are doing now EXACTLY what my EX is doing... looking out for yourself, trying to find your own inner strength.

 

Find it... and when you do, I promise, you will be in a better position to have a healthy relationship with a wonderful person.

 

If it ends up being your EX, that's great. But that doesn't need to be the only happy ending.... and the next happy chapter in your life needs to be your personal victory, NOT the rekindling of your relationship.

 

Let the correct sequence of events unfold as it should...

 

You are doing GREAT!

[rainey07]

thanks for your words.

 

yes i do agree i need to do this work on myself and will focus on that, just hard having to let someone go when i am the one to blame for it being this way. no one wants to be alone. and i can't help but feel in hope that after this all that we shall meet again. on the often times when i did give myself to him, the real me and not feeling so insecure, i loved it. we were so close, just have to see what happens in the natural process of fate.

 

r

[Sadboy75]

Hi There

 

My GF went through exactly what you are going through... she still is! We ended things 2 months ago for the same reasons. The stories are almost identical and we are also from Australia. I found it very difficult and tried contacting her but it pushed her away. She said she never wanted to have anyhting to do with me ever again. I dont believe that actually... she needs her space and I am now giving it to her! I am doinf the NC thing also! As far as I am aware she is still seeing a therapist!

 

It is very difficult being on the receiving end of things as i have found.

 

What do you suggest I do? Sit tight and do nothing. Contact her in a few months.

 

Just to get an understanding what are the thoughts that go through your head at times?

[trishcollins]

I am in a similar situation myself, in that my "ex" has to get his life together before he can be in a relationship. It's basically circumstances keeping us apart. We do love each other, but he would only say he would be back when he was in a position to commit 100%, and would make no promises or guarantees as to when and if that would happen.

 

So, it's hard to decide what to do next. The only thing I can say is, move on with your own life, take care of yourself, and work on your own issues. When you focus on yourself, you automatically start moving forward. I am focusing on my horses, working out more, and taking a cooking course this fall -- anything to keep my mind busy and day filled up.

 

As I said to my "ex" when we spoke last week, who knows where we will be in two years" (the estimated length of time he needs to see his kids out of school and on their own). "maybe we will be happy and together, but at the very least, happy in our own lives".

 

We can't control what other people do, but we can control our own actions and reactions to things. Who knows what life holds for us. I do believe all things happen for a reason, and that at some point, I will understand why this happened to me. Perhaps, as much as I think "he is the one", that he isn't, and someone else will come along.