Is it really cheating?

[Carmeley]

Good Afternoon Everyone,

 

This is my first time on eNotalone. Actually I stumbled upon this by accident. Here's the story: My fiance and I have been together for 4.5 years making 5 on June 26, 2003. During the course of our relationship, we both have been unfaithful to each other, but we decided to work out our problems nevertheless. This was up until the yr of 2001. He proposed to me in April of that yr. I really wanted to get married to him at the time, but wasn't really feeling his attitude. So in November of 2001, I decided to move out, back to my mom's house. During this time period, he would call me crying everynight, writing love letter/poems, and even going as far as to wait for me after work. I really wasn't accepting his apologies for the way he's treated me. thereforeeeeeee instead of giving him a second chance, I decided to be a real bitch. As I said to him at one point, "I want you, but at a distance". I really wanted my own space, seeing him on my own terms. We would be intimate with each other once a week or every two weeks. I wouldn't spend the night at his house at all. So to make a long story short, I decided that we should get married this coming June 26, 2003 and try to get our relationship back to the way it was.....until....little did I know....On March 30, 2003, I found an email in which he states to a woman how much he wants her, etc...I confront him about it, of course he lies. I guess that is the first initial reaction is to lie. As I put pressure on him, he decides to tell me the truth about having an 8 month relationship with this woman. I felt I coped with it very well, but 3-weeks later, he told me about 2 more women he was intimate with, and just last week there were 2 more women that he slept with in 2002. Mind you, we are getting married in June, already purchased the rings, etc....At this point, I can't even think, feel, or make sense of this situation. I do love this man with all of my heart and want him to be my husband. The reason that he gave me was I treated him more like a date and thereforeeeeeee he needed to fill a void since I was treating him badly and disrespecting him. He said he told me this b/c he couldn't go into marriage without confessing this to me even though we did not live together or see each other that much. So my question to the readers is: Is it really cheating, since I was never there and not supportive of my fiance to begin with? May be that is why I really haven't cried or gone ballistic about the entire situation? Am I crazy in love? or just plain crazy?

[simulacra]

When dealing with relationships and matters of the heart, it is feelings that affect things. The real question should be "do you feel cheated?" If you run through the history between the two of you and can feel totally okay with the fact that this guy slept with other women while professing that he loved you and missed you, then you have your answer, A person that you could consider marrying and spending the rest of your life with should not be comparable to just any other person out there (that can fill a void, whether physical or otherwise). He was weak during your phase of wanting to go at your own pace, that much I can deduce from what you've stated. Whether you view that weakness as something minor or paramount is a matter of personal values/morals. Since I have a very particular view on infedelity and change of feelings in a relationship, I personally feel that it doesn't matter if the two of you were "technically" together or not when he decided to sleep with these other women. Even if we were officially "over" and he slept with someone else, I would not have the same faith in the relationship as I did the first time around. But that is just me.

[Tellin It Like It Is]

it was even excessive cheating. I happen to know. Turns out, if you marry him, you can expect more of the same. I'm serious. Nothing is worse than calling off a wedding except going thru with a wedding and realizing your horrible mistake. Take heart girl, you don't have to go through with it, and in the end, you'll be happier.