Confused Guy Seeks Friendly Advice

[NotGay,Really]

This is rather strange for me-- I have never gone anonymously to an on line forum before.

 

Where to begin? As you can see from my screen name, I am not gay. Really. At least, I have never engaged in any same-sex activity.

 

At 45, I remained a virgin until quite recently. All my life I have believed that homosexuality was wrong. Of course, I also believed that sexual relations between unmarried people was wrong. So... I remained an unmarried virgin.

 

I was very unaware of sex in my youth. I only "figured things out" when I was in college. By then I was aware that I had very confusing feelings toward both women and men. The feelings I had toward men frankly horrified me. I was very attrracted to them-- but could not understand why. All I knew was that I somehow wanted to be "close" to a man-- to cuddle and be intimate. In high school I had girlfriends. I was rather intimate with one of them, but always stopped short of anything that would lead into sex, because I believed it was wrong.

 

My only sexual outlet was masturbation. Although I believed it was wrong (sensing a pattern here?), I became very good at it. As years passed, though, I found more stimulation was necessary. I turned to pornography. It bothered me tremendously that I was far more stimulated by images of naked men than women. This was unbearable to me, as my religious and moral beliefs allowed no room for such a possibility.

 

About five years ago, in an unrelated series of events, I lost my religious faith, and found myself sort of wandering with no compass for a while. I didn't particularly care about my sexual orientation-- it never occurred to me that I could be gay. I simply knew I was not, even as I continued to look at gay themed pornography and worry about the reasons why.

 

Then, I met a young man who, for some reason, was tremendously appealing to me. There were complications: he was a guy, he was 25 years younger than me, and I had no idea if he was gay. I worked very hard to get "close" to him, and he responded. We became good friends. To the casual observer, it was a quirky, but "proper" friendship. There was never a physical component. I eventually came to realize that he was also confused about his sexuality, but that he was very much opposed to being gay.

 

This all came to a head (for me) a few months ago. My friend was spending the night at my place. (Incredibly, he often stayed the night in my guest room, but never acknowledged in any way an interest in intimacy.) He was using my computer to chat with some of his friends on line. I had warned him in the past that he needed to close everything out when he was finished. On this night, he abruptly left at 2am, informing me that he had to meet a study group. After he left, I noted that he had left the monitor on, and, meaning to turn it off, I instead saw a message from one of his young male friends with a very unambiguous sexual invitation.

 

My response was... unexpected to me. I felt as though I had been shot in the chest. I was plunged into such despair that I literally began keening. The worst, to me, was that there was absolutely no one I could turn to to help me understand this reaction. When my friend returned a few hours later I was able to act as though nothing had happened-- even though I was dying inside. He was very noncommital about his activities, and I would not pry.

 

The timing of this could not have been worse. This young friend and I were about to embark on a week long trip together. He had asked if I would accompany him, because he didn't want to travel alone. I had agreed, even though I knew it was unlikely that anything would come of this. I was leaving the very next day, and he was to join me later that week.

 

On the plane trip, I huddled under a blanket, miserable and distraught. The next few days were unbearable. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I began reviewing in my mind why I was having this strong a reaction. I convinced myself that I was, indeed, gay, and that I was in love with this young man. A major complication in all this was that I intellectually had no desire whatsoever to be gay. I simply did not want to enter into a sexual union with a man. What I sought, simply, was to be "close" (literally) to one.

 

The day before we were to meet to leave on our trip, I spent the night with mutual friends, a couple I was very comfortable with. That night, I "came out" to them. They were supportive, but cautious. Oddly, I assumed that by coming out, I would begin to feel more accepting of myself, and more "honest." Instead, I felt myself becoming more confused and unhappy. Then, when I told them of my love for our young friend, they became somewhat hostile. They were especially concerned that we were about to travel together for a week. They informed me that I had to tell him what I had told them. (And, as an added fillup, the husband confidentially informed me that if anything "happened" between our young friend and me, he would "kill me.")

 

The next day I picked up my friend, and cautiously informed him that I was wrestling with my sexual identity, and that I was attracted to him. His response was a rather nonchalant, "OK." And so, we set off on our trip.

 

It was misery for me. My friend was completely non-supportive in any way. (Of course, his extreme youth left him ill equipped to handle the situation. I understood this.) His attitude was that I was simply going through a rough time, and that it didn't matter how I felt, that only what I actually did really mattered.

 

I became very maudlin and depressed, and even contemplated suicide (although I could never actually do such a thing, as I knew it was wrong). By the third day, I was in such a state I began to try to figure out who I could reach out to. There was internet access, and I recalled a conversation I had had a few months earlier with another friend. She is a registered therapist, and after a party one night we had entered into a long conversation in which she eventually got me to talking about my sexual orientation. When she directly asked me if I was gay, I gave her my "pat" answer. ("I am not surprised you would ask, since I am single at my age and would appear to be somewhat effeminate in manner. But no, I am not gay.") She then asked me the same question very directly. After a pause, I replied. "I would not be comfortable with that." She then let me know that if I ever wanted to talk about the subject again, she was available to me.

 

I was able to locate her on line, and sent an email detailing the recent events. Her reply was immediate, and quite helpful. I was able to actually salvage the rest of the trip. We made arrangements to meet afterward.

 

On my return, but before I met with my therapist friend, I received a phone call from one of my closest female friends. I have known her for some 15 years, ever since she married a college friend with whom I had remained close. I had already determined that I would "come out" to her as well, since we had always been able to share each other's life changes so well. (Without going into details, she had, the previous Fall, been informed by her husband, my friend of nearly 30 years, that he had been unfaithful to her going back over a decade. Further, he was not interested in continuing their marriage in a way that was acceptable to both. I had been providing support to her through this situation.) When I told my female friend that I was gay, she was somewhat crestfallen, but very warm and supportive. I knew she would be, as she had many gay friends.

 

What was unexpected, though, was her response when I told her I had never actually had any homosexual experiences, and that I really didn't want to. She was astonished that, without the benefit of ever having experienced intimacy in any form, I had decided I was gay. She asked if I had any interest in intimacy with her. (She clearly delineated that she was not speaking of sexual intimacy-- just intimacy.) My reaction was...unexpected. You see, years earlier when I first met her (after she had married my friend) I was strongly attracted to her. I even fantasized about her, until I put all such thoughts out of my mind (because I knew that it was wrong). I brushed aside her queries, hoping that my therapist friend would be able to help me sort out my utter confusion.

 

The next day, I met with my therapist friend for seven hours. (She said later that she had never, never stayed with someone for so long in a session.) After detailing what my female friend had told me, she asked if I was interested in intimacy. My immediate reply was yes. Then she asked, why didn't I meet her? (I should say here that my female friend's marriage was clearly over at this time.)

 

I did meet with my female friend. We did experience intimacy. Extreme intimacy. My reaction was... not entirely unexpected. It was wonderful. I found that it was everything I could have hoped for. Best of all, my female friend was interested in the same things I was: extreme cuddling and playfulness, as well as sex. (Happily, I also turned out to be a rather skilfull lover. This was especially gratifying to my friend, as her marriage had been very unsatisfying for several years.)

 

We have met three times now. (We live in distant cities, which is probably just as well.) We are taking the relationship slowly. I have been very open and honest with her about my feelings. My therapist friend has been gently encouraging, even as she tries to convince me that it is not wrong to explore my attraction to men.

 

I am deeply in love with my female friend. We talk every day about any number of things, ranging from the entirely mundane to the most deeply intimate. When we are together, it is completely satisfying, physically and in every other way. We plan carefully how we can meet, and count the days until we are together. We recognize that we are in the very early stages of a relationship. Except, of course that there has been a mutual attraction that was unacknowledged for years. (She admitted to me that she had had a "crush" on me for nearly as long as I had been attracted to her. That is why she had been crestfallen, but resigned, when I "came out" to her.)

 

My confusion now is what to do with the remaining feelings of attraction I have toward men. Quite unexpectedly, I will find myself with these same urges. I have been very forthright in dealing with this lately-- although I certainly do not act on them. I have also assured my female friend that I will give her fair warning if I decide to explore any other intimacies. (I feel this is important, not only because it is the right thing to do, but because she is so vulnerable about betrayal and fidelity right now.)

 

So... am I not gay? Am I simply trying to "prove" something to myself? Should I let myself explore other intimacies? I am interested in reactions from any others who have been in similar situations, as well as any who can offer sound advice.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I can't tell you if you are gay or not. I won't even try.

 

I will say one thing though, you have awesome friends. You are one lucky guy.

 

Good luck to you.

[NotGay,Really]

Thank you for your kind words. I really hadn't realized how vital good friends have been through this.

 

Indiently, I don't believe in "luck." I believe that what we refer to as "luck" is when opportunity meets preparation.

[tahlia]

I also can't tell you if you are gay or not. Only you can find that out. I have a couple of friends who are gay. One who always knew he was right from the word go and one who wasn't sure for a long time but eventually found out that he was happy when he was with other men.

 

I think that you do need to explore it further if you are still having desires for closeness to men. I think only once you can compare how it is to be with women and how it is to be with men will you know. Or perhaps you are bisexual have you considered this?

 

Anyway i'm no expert, but i do think that it will be on your mind forever if you don't give it a go?

[Cadence308]

Thanks for sharing your story. I think that if you are happy in your current relationship and your needs for intimacy and closeness are being fulfilled then why do you need to search out other sexual intimacies? I think there are different kinds of intimacy and no one person can meet all of one person's needs, but if you are getting what you need from your current situation and relationship go with the flow. If you are craving intimacy from a man and you feel like your needs are unmet in your current situation then you may be gay. You may also be bi-sexual. However, many say that our needs change over time and our feelings and perceptions about people and relationships change to meet those needs so you may find that your sexual and intimacy needs also change with time.

[NotGay,Really]

Again, thanks for the thoughtful comments.

 

Yes, I am inclined to believe I am bi-sexual. But I am not prepared to accept this idea. (I hope that makes sense.)

 

I do know that I will not seek other intimacies if I enter a commited relationship with my female friend. And right now, I crave a commited relationship. So... I am taking it slowly.

[Cadence308]

I think the question you need to ask yourself is do you crave a committed relationship with a female (perhaps the one you're with) OR a male (perhaps the 25 yr old)? I've heard that you can't control who you are attracted to. It sounds like you are happy with your friend right now.

[NotGay,Really]

Actually, he's 22. There are too many reasons that entering a relationship with him would be sheer madness. Aside from anything else, he has no interest in a m/m relationship. (Actually, he is presently terrified of ANY intimacy.) We are also completely different in terms of temperament and personality. One of the issues my therapist friend is helping me with is my continued infatuation with him.

[Cadence308]

Do you know why are you infatuated with him? Do you think it's because he's not interested and maybe that's safe for you since you are having issues with intimacy?

[NotGay,Really]

That is certainly a valid interpretation.

 

My therapist friend pointed out to me that we were ideal for each other in one respect-- neither of us would ever dream of taking the first step toward intimacy.

 

Right now, though, I am in the "deliriously happy" phase with my female friend. AND we are so very compatible in so many ways. Not the least of which is that we graduated from high school in the same decade. (My young friend, on the other hand, was born while I was in graduate school.)

[jamesy1234]

you are indeed a very fortunate man, to have found a relationship that you are happy with.

 

I feel like yourself many times, although younger. I may be gay, but I dont want to be, I dont want that lifestyle. I want to be normal and free of such feelings.

 

So count your blessings and enjoy life. I'am sure the thoughts will always be there from time to time, but thats just the way things are.

 

I hope that I can be successful like yourself in this area

[NotGay,Really]

Goodness, I certainly don't consider my situation enviable in any way. Thank you for the kind words of support.

 

Watch out about thoughts that you are not "normal" because of the desires you have. I spent many, many years paralyzed with fear that I was not "normal," and was so undesirable that I couldn't speak honestly and openly with those I trusted.

 

I have no idea how many years you have been dealing with this. I hope that you will be fortunate enough to have forged friendships that will offer you the support you need when it truly counts.

[jamesy1234]

I come from a church back ground, in which these issues are taboo.

 

I have been struggling with these issues since I was sexually abused from the age of 10 to 18. I did'nt ask for this to happen, I did'nt ask to have these feelings, and I don't want them.

 

I feel that I'am missing out, because of them, and think that I can never have sex with a women, and if any found out what had happened or the way I think, that my life would be destroyed.

 

I want to feel those normal feelings for a woman, enjoy sex, have a family, enjoy my life with someone who loves me, can enjoy my church.

 

is this possible, i dont think so, as people will never let me change

[NotGay,Really]

Jamesy, I am a preacher's kid. So I really understand how you are feeling. I am sure that you were carefully taught that ANY sexual feelings were wrong.

 

Have you been able to deal openly with the sexual abuse that was inflicted on you? It happened during such a vital portion of your life. I now believe very strongly in seeking professional help in dealing with something like that.

 

Please believe me when I tell you that what cracked open the hard shell I had built around myself was honesty. I was very fortunate to have a few very close friends with whom I could share. In the long run, honestly sharing with someone you can trust will lead to a healthier view of yourself. I urge you to carefully consider this.

 

I also hope your spiritual side has not been compromised through all this. I presently do not believe in God, and it has made that part of my life very empty and lonely. But... that is another story.

[NotGay,Really]

Just a bit of an update. I met for a fourth time with my close female friend. She came out to visit me in my home town, and met my family. It was a wonderful visit.

 

It is very gratifying that all parties "hit it off," too. I am maintaining high confidence about this relationship.

 

To others who are "confused," may I strongly urge two things: honesty (with someone you can trust), and professional help when you are beyond your own abilities.

[Mun]

That's really great to hear. I'm happy for you that things are going well. Enjoy it

[NotGay,Really]

There has been a rather dramatic development in my story.

 

As you know, my beloved was separated from her husband. He had been unfaithful to her for a period of ten years, and informed her after he had determined that he wanted to continue their marriage in a way that was completely unacceptable to her.

 

After a period of months in which she tried to reconcile, they agreed to a separation. As he explored his new life, she and I began to realize the feelings we had for each other. (We are now very much in love.)

 

He began to feel doubts about the choice he had made. In addition, he began taking medication that he didn't like. (He was seeing a counselor.) In the midst of all this, it appeared he was about to lose his job.

 

The week before Thanksgiving, he killed himself.

 

It has been very, very sad to deal with this. I knew him for many years. Indeed, until recent events, he was a dear friend. I always believed that somehow, he would find happiness and we would be friends until we had both grown old.

 

Time will heal, but never change, what has happened. My beloved and I are still very much in love, even though this has cast a pall over our happiness. But I do believe, as I have told her in the past, that the best is yet to be.

[Cadence308]

Not Gay, Really,

 

I just read your updated post. That is horrible and very sad. He must have felt hopeless and lonely. My heart goes out to you and your beloved. This was her ex husband so I'm sure she's feeling many things.

 

I hope that you guys will be happy!

[NotGay,Really]

Thank you, Ballys.

 

We have been taking this a day at a time. We have also been circumspect, as there are two children involved. But I do have high confidence in this relationship.

[NotGay,Really]

Just a little update on my story.

 

I spent the holiday visiting my beloved and her children. This was the first "official" visit with the children. It was, for me, wonderful to be more open about how we feel about each other. At the same time. I am being very careful about how to deal with the children. I care very much about their happiness.

 

I am fairly resigned to the idea that I am bisexual. I still carry residual feelings of anxiety over the idea. My beloved and I are both very commited to monogamy-- so I have no desire to explore any other intimacies, male or female, at this time.

 

It seems unlikely that I am going to hear from anyone else who has had a similar experience to mine. (This topic has been here for several months now.) But if anyone out there has, I would be intreested in hearing about it.

[skwshyone]

Dear Not Gay, Really,

 

Your story may be older, but I have a subjective opinion regarding your situation. My truest best friend/husband and I have been together for 10.5 years and even through the rocky roads of marriage we make it through by staying best friends. Why is this pertinent to your original post or any post thereafter? Let me explain.

I am most definitely bi-sexual leaning more towards gay than straight. Most days I'm a 4 on the Kinsey scale (please see the article on Enotalone.com entitled "Bisexuality – Not Always a Musical" by Sheldon Lewis, it's a two-parter, but very worth the read assuming you haven't already indulged.) Some days I lean more toward a 3 than a four. Regardless of my numerical position, the point I'm trying to get at, is that I too have struggled with my sexuality for most of my life mostly in part due to my religious belief/background. I unlike you spent many years in one failed relationship/marriage after another, until I made a concerted decision that I would make my marriage work come hell or high-water. This commitment came in part because I also finally came to the acceptance that I love my God and my faith, and that my God created me the way I am and will love me no matter what. I do not choose to have these feelings or attractions, they are a part of my genetic make up. I can choose what I do with the feelings I have, albeit sometimes I am miserably frustrated (sexually.)

Point number two: I am blessed enough to have been able to been given such a supportive partner that he accepts me for who I am. I completely understand a lot of your anxieties and my advice is that God gives each of us different challenges in our lives to which we know not always why, but His plan is always bigger than any thoughts we may encumber. Accept who He made you, regardless of your sexual make up you are His child.

Okay off my soap box. I wanted to make the point that regardless of your sexuality that a relationship is a commitment to another person to support said person regardless of what may come or what already is, good or bad, confusing or clear. Love is a choice; not a feeling that envelopes our being as a euphoric high. The euphoria can wear thin as time passes, but love chooses to remain and conquer all plights of destruction. May you and your beloved lead a full and rich life together come what may and may you always remember to be friends.

 

Yours truly,

Skwshyone – aka Squishyone

 

PS: My husband and I actually met because his fiancée' was screwing my boyfriend! How's that for fate?!

[NotGay,Really]

Thank you for sharing.

 

I spent my life avoiding relationships until recently, so I do not have the same kind of emotional baggage you have had to bear. Right now I am filled with confidence that this relationship will endure. It's good to hear about the success of others.

[NotGay,Really]

I have been away from this thread nearly a year now. Much has happened.

 

This Summer my beloved moved from her distant city to mine. We continued to meet, being careful and circumspect in our relationship. The young man that I was so infatuated with turned out to be something of a false friend, although he does not know I learned about his true nature. He has moved cross country, which is definitely for the best.

 

I proposed marriage to my beloved near the end of Summer, and she accepted. We will be married after the New Year.

 

This is certainly not the end of the story, rather just the closing of one chapter and the start of another. To all who are confused and in despair, I strongly urge honesty-- with yourself, with trusted friends, and (if necessary) a professional.

 

I hope you will be as happy as I am right now.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

That is such an amazing story! It really blew my mind reading that. Sounds like your life has really turned in such a great direction.

 

I hope everythings continues to go well for you in the future and congratulations on your engagement!

[NotGay,Really]

I believe this will be my last post here. I am now married to my beloved, and we are very happy indeed. While I would like to say this is a "happily ever after" ending, I know that we live not in a story book, but in the real world. I continue to have high confidence, and still believe that the best is yet to be. Meanwhile, I will continue to enjoy what I have now, and work to strengthen this relationship that means more to me than anything else.