i cant help it

[lonly112000]

why do people think im like weird because i want to kill my self all these people hear about me tryin it and they think its supid but the thing is i dont want to kill my self and yet i still try its like i aint got a choice i know its bad but i still do it after all i been through all the things ive seen and done i here this voice tellin me i should do it and now i see why not after all ive said and done how could any one ever forgive me or beleiv me even if i do get beter what are they going to just up and feel difrent about me and i try church i walk in the door and all the heads swing towards me and look at me funny cause i got my ear peirced and my pants saggin why so i dont go back i dont even stay i just get up and leave that aint me i mean god aint what i need i needed him and he wasnt there and he still aint and then i go home and write in my little book its like i can talk to it cause i know my pen and paper aint gonna got tell any one what i said so i tell all of the people readin this cause i know they dont know me and prolly never will.

[hardcore]

i forgive you my dear friend yet you maynot know who i am but i know what it is like and yes you do have a choice chose to live and it will make you strong . yes i know that life may not be fare but is that a resin to quit .

to let the world win . to just become another victom of life . instead i say to you choise to be the victor not the victom . i to have been down this road i know its hard but you are not alone even in your darkest hour . there will be some one to call on you can call him your friend if you so choice this .

 

your friend hardcore2.0

[leslieRN]

Hardcore is very right, and might I just go ahead and say, Steve, I am so proud of you!!!

 

Find something that you can focus your despair on, even if it is nothing more than this forum...if you keep your hands busy typing, you won't be able to think or do anything but the typing!!!

 

Hope you find your answers

[PAdreamer]

Sweetie, it's not weird to feel the way you do. The thing is, most of the people who react like that are simply afraid. They see you're hurting, and they don't know how to help, but their own weakness scares them so they try to act like they're in total control.

 

Steve IS right... You can't let the things around you be your master. You can't let the world win. You always have a choice, and the only reason that you would ever go so far as to take your own life ought to be if you are willing to say that you've lost. You forfeit, and the world can have you. I wouldn't want to admit that... would you? Be your own person. Fight for who you are, what you believe, and what you deserve. Even if that means getting professional help... Getting help doesn't make you weak. Weakness is knowing that you need something, but being too ashamed or afraid to get it. THAT is giving up, and you can't afford to do that if you're going to stay alive.

 

On a very personal note, I know what you feel like- the whole thing about not knowing how you can be forgiven. I've done so many bad things... Sometimes I wonder how I managed to stay alive. But the point is that my realizing that I needed to break away from those things is what saved me. And yeah, it's been awful trying to shake my past. I've been in the same school district for much of my life- most of the people I went to high school with still held things over my head that I did in second grade (yup, I was THAT BAD). And I've been in the same church my entire life, where my dad is a pastor, and my whole family is involved in ministry. For a long time I didn't want to go. I didn't fit in- I wore black all the time, I wore my makeup differently than the rest of the girls, and my hair was always a different color. And on top of that, I felt like I had to wear this mask... No one there could know how truly awful I was.

 

But... I fought through it. I beat the world and I lived. I'm 19, I still go to church... I'm not a good person, by any means. I'm definitely not a good Christian- I mean, I swear, I am sexually active, I lie, I can be lazy... But the point is that I realized, "yeah, I can be forgiven, no matter how much I screw up. And I can fight through all the crap in my life". And because I realized that, my whole life turned around. I wouldn't say that I'm religious or Godly... But I do the best that I know how. Just remember: the faith of a mustard seed. Believe in yourself, and anything is possible.

 

Try to keep smiling, and be brave. We'll be here if you need us.

 

Your Friend,

Kari

[lonly112000]

i chose to live and yet i die i chose to try and yet i fail i chose to end my life and yet i still cant bring myself to do it i kow if i do every one will remember me as the suicide guy and i aint got a problem with that but then when some kid comes along and hears about it he says ill try it and does and i dont want this to hurt anyone else but i know it will and then every one would come to me even though i aint there and say why did you do it why couldnt you just let it go why did he have to do it he wanted to be just like you and he was right up until his last breath and i can see my funeral now in my head its just a empty hole no ones there my mom stagers up and leaves after a couple of minutes my dad dosent even know it happened and then ... its over

[PAdreamer]

It goes beyond that. Believe me, you don't have a CLUE who you'll be hurting if you take your life. You may not feel like you have people who care about you... but I don't know of many people who commit suicide and don't have a single person mourn over them. Think about it... I don't even know you, but I would mourn. How much more would the people who DO know you be hurt? You just don't know what you mean to some of the people around you.

 

Sounds sappy, but trust me- I know from my own experiences.

[lonly112000]

i guess so but all the people around here that do know me have told me to my face it would be better if i wasnt here and well i guess they are right and ive got a ninja (motorcycle) and if i get enough money im packin my stuff and im out of here i know i could do better on my own even if i was livin in a card board box

[PAdreamer]

Well then think of it this way. Maybe the best thing for you to do would be to go away from where you are. Make a new start. It's possible to do that. I don't believe that the world is better off when someone takes their own life. I know too many people who've done it, and I just don't see what good ever came of it. Whoever is telling you that is full of it. You dying is not going to make anything better for them, and I would say that is their way of trying to pretend that their problems are not their fault.

 

Do not give into their selfishness... or yours.

[Linlo]

*nodnod* I agree with PAdreamer.

 

There's always a solution. To every problem.

I think the first thing you need to do is stop convincing yourself that you're losing and that there's no hope. Everybody has the ability to think positively. You're very young. You have limitless possibilities ahead of you - honestly, you can make of life what you want to. Happiness doesn't come in a plate. Often, you have to put some energy into claiming it! If you give up and resign yourself to being depressed and unhappy, then that's a real shame, because there is always somebody worse off than you. ALWAYS. And as long as you're still alive you can change the things that you really don't like.

 

Secondly if you're really considering suicide, and you're prepared to do that without having sought any help or counselling....... then I'm sorry to say you need to try much harder. I think that's cowardly. If everybody else who's ever survived through tough times can fight, then there's honestly no reason why you can't. Won't is a different story. But can't.... that one just isn't true.

 

I don't know really what advice to give you, but I know that suicide is definitely not the right path to go down. Definitely not. It's the saddest and yet the most stupid action of desperation I can think of. Please, please seek some help... ^_^; Good luck.

[lonly112000]

i cant beileve that all yall care that much to actualy keep answerin me so first off thanks but i mean i got two tings to ask yall: have you ever been hated by someone not justthem sayin it but knowin they truly truly hate you?And second you ever hated someone not just sayin it but truly truly hatin them?Now take that pain that you feel when you know they hate you then take that pain that they feel when they know you hate them now multiply that by about 500 times and try to imagine feelin that pain all the time even in your sleep.What would you do?

[-trapped-soul-]

When I told my friends they thought it was some kind of joke, they ditched me laughing and joking around saying "look at me im sam, lets kill myself!" i lost all my friends because of that... but think in ten years time you wont even know them... they will just be forgotten, you can live your life, to the fullest... if you ever need to talk to someone add me email removed i would always love to talk to someone...

 

sam,

[renthead]

Your friends aren't really good friends... And it's so sad to see someone feel depressed because s/he felt that nobody was ever there for them. Just be strong and find new friends for now.

[Spugly Fuglet]

i guess so but all the people around here that do know me have told me to my face it would be better if i wasnt here and well i guess they are right and ive got a ninja (motorcycle) and if i get enough money im packin my stuff and im out of here i know i could do better on my own even if i was livin in a card board box

 

 

At last your words hit me, I'm like and unlike you I have good and bad days that my lot in life if a lot of bad days come at the same time I can get like you so down on my self that all I see is darkness. But from the age of 15 i have had motorcycles and I love them from the bottem of my hart they give me some thing that nothing elss dos. I alwasy keep 2 panyes packed with tent and kit just so I know if it all gets to much I can jump on the bake and go. Friday after work I just jumped on the bake and headed any where I felt like. To me an open road a bike and the sun is a place that just heals my soul. I stop after hours of raiding at a motel, have a drink and sleep till 5,6 ish and hit the orad again.

 

Now as yourself bikes or killing your self

 

me bikes, open road, sun

 

a kind of joy thats beyond words, as my Tank says

BIKES

IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND

 

That’s why I follow Taoism; an open road is like life, asking the question whats important not is finding an answer see its the journey that matters.

 

I ask you! why get of your bike now when there’s more road up ahead?

[Spugly Fuglet]

i cant beileve that all yall care that much to actualy keep answerin me so first off thanks but i mean i got two tings to ask yall: have you ever been hated by someone not justthem sayin it but knowin they truly truly hate you?And second you ever hated someone not just sayin it but truly truly hatin them?Now take that pain that you feel when you know they hate you then take that pain that they feel when they know you hate them now multiply that by about 500 times and try to imagine feelin that pain all the time even in your sleep.What would you do?

 

 

All your feeling are in your own head, no one and I mean no one has the power to put feelings in your head only you can do that, you look at who and what they are and do and say to your self Ill hate them for that. So you made the chouce to hate them YOU!. Now thats hard to take and many just will not face upto that fact but you can not get away from it. Now if its you that has the power over hate in all its forms then your rule hate it dos not rule you, thats you power. The power to shape your mind and make what you see throw move to your will.

 

Now who hates you they have the same power but are blinded by the lie that you make them hate and so to be pitter not hated. Look at them the next time you see them until they relise that they are slaves to that lie of hate then they will spend there lives being pulled from one pain to another.

 

But you now, stop and look at your hate see it for what it is, self made will all the pain placed in it by you. Ask your self do you need it, what is it doing for you if nothing then take it away you have the power to as master of your own mind and feelings.

 

Now what is left, open empty space into which you can pure any feelings you wish. Now theres a thing more poen road to fill, more joy and hope in that open space. Out there are millons of others who you can feel for in any way you wish.

 

Now you know why I dont hate, others or things unless I see use for such that makes me a better man, even then its hate under my turms and put to my use.

 

NO THATS POWER.