Need advice

[zaza]

Hi

Need advice since i'm really desperate

 

I have been married for 4 years now and just suddenly feel not in love anymore with my wife. My wife has a long story of depression all along the 11 years we have been together and I was always supportive and tried to be considerate in understanding her childhood problems which impinged on our relationship. Recently we moved abroad to accommodate my new job, she accepted at first, but was not happy about it. She got even more depressed and now we are almost living apart, me tarvelling a lot to keep the job and save my marriage. It has happened recently that I felt real feelings for another woman. Cannot forget all about this, so much as I try, cannot take her out. Started questioning what I really want in life and dont feel connected any more wiht my wife, no love, or maybe love yes but with a great sense of pity, guilt feelings since she is recovering from depression which she blames on me having my present job. I feel tired and confused about my non feelings for my wife and feel real feelings for another woman who I cannot take out of my mind. Our marriage is righ tnow in a period of reflection, unofficial separation and I have to make up my mind of what I relaly want. Told m wife all these thoguhts since I have always been faithful and sincere in everything and did not and dont want to just put up a story. Just tell her how things really are

 

Thanks for any comments and advice

[FUnkaJoN]

Seems like your in a hard situation to get out of. The main question you have to ask yourself about this new women is "Am I willing to go through what i went through with my wife for her" If the answers no then well then you know what you should do. Everyone faces this situation in life at least once, are you feeling love or just lust for another human bieng who apparently has no problems as of yet?

[zaza]

Thanks for the reply.

 

The issue is that these feelings I have for this other woman seem so real, and its definitely not lust, it feels like having met a 'soul mate'. Maybe I am so tired of being in a relationship with an 'eternally' depressed partner, for all intents and purposes my wife is doing everything to recover of course, but still I feel in prison, cannot say what i really feel because I am always afriad of repurcussions on her recovery ect. Spent a long time even being afraid of leaving her alone because of her suicidal thoughts ect. Its not only my wife who has problems though. Recently after these feelings for this woman, I reliased and this was very scary to realise, that over the years, since the relationship with my wife began, i made a lot of mistakes in my life, second thoughts put under the bridge, doubts and the like, that I never took time to analyse correctly, and acted as if nothing was really happening. Now I just stop and realise that I am not happy in my life, especially in my relationship and the feelings for this woman made me realize this even more. Its not much that I want to substitute the relationship I have with my wife with the realtionship with this other woman, maybe its nothing and will die a natural death. But the mere fact of having thought about this other woman for most of the time, thinking about changing my life, ending my marriage, maybe meeting her is serving as an eye opener to change. And it very scary to see your life episodes in front of you and being able to spot the instances when you made mistakes like getting married too soon, not enjoy life as much as possible before getting married, personal development, not illuding myself that all problems will solve automatically

[FUnkaJoN]

ZaZa.... I think you answered your own question with that reply. Have you ever been in such a good mood that you thought the world revoled around you???? Then you walked in to a romm with someone who was mad and then you suddenly felt upset also? I hate to say it but if your not in love with your wife anymore or you think she is holding you back the best thing for you to do is tell her. It would hurt more if she found out through the grapevine instead of directly from the source. I understand that your wife is depressed but why is she depressed??? do you even know. (besides moving) Also if you travel alot when do you find time to spend with this other women? and not your wife. If you feel you have meet your "soul mate" go for it but make sure it for real and that your not just finding comfort in someone elses arms because you have problems of your own. It sound like that yout not happy currently with your wife... I guess what im trying to say is if you think this women is for real and you have somethinf special the tell your wife NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS HER explain to her how you feel and how she makes you feel and tell her about the other women. And then go from there

[zaza]

Thanks again for finding time to reply, give advice and offer a helping hand

 

I already told my wife that I have feelings for somebody else in the context of all this confusion i have in my mind right now. That is why we are presently unofficially separated with the hope of things getting clear. Its up to me to see what I really want and to gauge the extent of effort I wish to put in either to save my marriage or else make the transition from a 'safe haven' of present marriage to the unknown. Since also, it takes time to realise whats the next step and whether this other woman is the right one, whether she's really the soul mate i think she is. I think all this is difficult, cant get this friend out of my head, maybe i'm in love and she gets in touch through email and cant help answer back (she is currently living in the city I work in). Yes, its time to take decisions and keep being sincere first and foremost with my wife and also to this other woman. Before thinking about new projects, I have to start closing, if I decide to, to close previous projects. But its easier to write this than doing it. More so since, I am still not sure whether to convince myself further of my feelings towards this other woman, before taking irrevocable decisions. I am definitely a selfish bastard, but right now cant help it !

 

Thanks again, much appreciate your consideration