Dealing with parents' divorce

[laboheme]

My mother just informed me that she's filing for divorce. It wasn't much of a surprise...for the past 10 years, she talked on an off about it, and this time it's for real. But I'm confused by what I'm supposed to do now. I'm an adult and can fend for myself, but I don't know how this will affect my relationship with my parents.

 

(For a bit of context, the reason is my father's alcoholism. He was getting treatment several years ago but fell off the bandwagon. Now he refuses to admit that he has a problem. My mother tried everything, but she can't deal with it any longer.

 

My dad hasn't talked to me at all about this, while my mom and I talked extensively, so it already feels like I'm taking sides. But I've always had a good relationship with both of them, and I can't imagine taking sides...They will both need my support: my mom will be on her own once the ink is dry (she hasn't worked in years), and my dad will probably fall deeper and deeper into the alcohol trap. To make things worse, I'm on the other side of the country, so I can't check up on them like I might if we all lived in the same place. And even though divorces are never easy, I'm sure the aftermath is even worse when you're around 60, so I'm particularly worried...

 

Has anyone else had to deal with their parents' divorce as an adult? When in addition to all the emotions, you feel like you have certain responsibilities as well?

[laboheme]

She won't be completely on her own after the ink is dry, if she hasn't worked in years and its a marriage of some duration she'll probably get years worth of spousal support assuming your dad doesn't drink himself into unemployment.

 

In theory, yes, she should get something after 33 years of marriage. But my dad drinking himself into unemployment is a real possibility. Plus, he's nearing retirement age...With his nest egg (rather, a lack thereof), he won't be able to make ends meet, let alone support an ex-wife.

[laboheme]

It's not "his" next egg. Whatever they were going to live on together, they'll live on apart. Although they'll have double the housing expenses, all else will remain about the same.

 

That's the thing. With that nest egg, they wouldn't have been able to pay their expenses even if they stayed together. Poor planning on their part, but what can ya do?

 

Anyway, this is not about their financials. It's about me dealing with them as human beings and continuing to be their daughter. What if they ask me for advice? What if I have to be the go-between? Do I have to start recruiting someone to keep an eye on my dad in case his drinking gets too out of control? Am I supposed to hold my mother's hand as she ventures back out into the working world? When talking to one of them, do I avoid mentioning the other completely?

[journeynow]

You can have boundaries and not act as a go-between. If they ask you to, tell them no, you are not comfortable with that, they are still your parents. They may try, without realizing the position they are putting you in, but it is fine (and kind) to be clear about what you can and cannot do. Maybe you are comfortable with advice about finding an apartment, but not relationship advice. If they don't already have friends or therapists or coaches then they will learn to seek those out, if they need them. As for your dad's drinking, I don't know, but hear good things about al-anon, and it might be worth enlisting them as part of your own support team.

 

My parents divorced when they were in their 50s. The responsibility part didn't kick in until my father's failing health years later, and that was hard to plan for, as he refused to discuss possibilities ahead of time. It is hard to figure out care from afar, but you can research senior services and health services online and collect information about it in his area and yours. You may not be able to do anything until a crisis, but it doesn't hurt to introduce yourself to options.