Can't stop thinking about his ex, help!

[Elliesonline]

I have been in a relationship for a little over a year now, and things are starting to get serious. My boyfriend has mentioned marriage here and there, and his family has asked when we're getting married. I care about him very much and would like to marry him, except I can't get over the fact that he was engaged about 4 years ago, and broke it off because he really didn't want to marry her (he was pressured by her). They kept in contact after the relationship ended until he and I met. He no longer answered her phone calls or her postings on his personal website, and when I posted a message, she went off at me, throwing personal insults at my credibility. She finally stopped calling after I personally told her to stop contacting him.

 

He used to bring her up in conversation about a year ago, and it didn't bother me so much. When I think back now, I get really angry and start entering self- hatred mode. I hate him for thinking about her, talking about her, I even hate him for being stupid enough to almost marry her. I care for him very much but I can't bring myself to think about marriage. I can't forgive or forget.

 

I've tried to at least forgive him, but it's nearly impossible. The more serious the relationship gets, the more I hate myself for not leaving a year ago. I just don't feel special, I feel like "sloppy seconds." Why would a guy become engaged to a girl he doesn't want to marry? Do you think I should let it go?

[Michael2]

Why are you concerned about HIS past. I can see how it would bother you if he constantly spoke about her. But if this has halted, then the problem is on your shoulders.

 

I was in your shoes at one time. I was jealous of my exe's past. Then one day I woke up and dealt with my insecurities. Realizing that the woman I fell in love with , was molded and shaped by her past. THat is what makes he so special. WE all make mistakes, if we didnt, then how would we learn.

 

Unless you start dealing with this correctly, your resentment towards him will grow, and sooner then later, it will completely engulf your relationships.

 

This is YOUR issue. Not his. Everyone has a past. We have all done stupid embarrassing things. If you cant accept him for who he is, do you truly love him?

[Beec]

I see nothing that he ever did that he needs to be forgiven for doing. What did he ever do to you?

 

You seem to be the first woman he has wanted to marry and thouhgt of in this way. I think the problem is all in your head and insecurities. Assuming he is the same age as you are, did you think he came to you never having dated anyone before?

 

If he makes you feel insecure by how he treats you, that is one thing. Otherwise, you had better think about this long and hard. Your insecurity could be blowing a golden chance for you to be happy. If he wants you, then look at that. He wants you, not her. If that is not enough, let him go free and stop wasting his time. He cannot change his past. If anything his having chosen you should be enough. I would never ask for forgiveness for what I did before meeting the woman in question. He never did anything to you for which he should need to be forgiven.

[Openminded]

Yes, you should forget. That shouldnt even be an issue really. Engagements really do come and go. He might not have taken engagement as seriously as you do. Fact of the matter is, he loves you now, and if you think he feels you are truly the one for him what does it matter? My first true love turned out to not be the right person for me. Heck, I am sure a lot of us felt that our first true loves were the ones we were going to marry. A lot of us come to realize that indeed, we were wrong.

 

Love is a funny thing.

 

How long was he engaged? How long was he dating her before he got engaged? There are a lot of people out there that dont have any idea what a person is like before they start living with them/hanging out with them on a daily basis. Then you see their quirks/problems.

Regardless, he loves you now. He realized she was wrong for him, and then he found you. If hes willing to marry you, then he must have realized what makes him happy. So why worry about her?

[Elliesonline]

I guess I'm angry because in the beginning of our relationship, I was the one who had to deal with her. I had to tell her to stop calling. He became really angry with me for doing this, and I couldn't understand why. He told me I was cruel for telling his ex to stop calling. Deep down I thought he still cared for her and wanted to eventually patch things up with her. I felt like I was the "other woman" and that I was intruding on this "thing" they had for each other.

 

I keep telling myself that as time passes and the relationship grows, the events of a year ago will only be a memory. Maybe a year is still too soon to be able to get over these traumatic events. But I feel as though we're coming to a crossroad in our relationship, and that I need to make a decision about our future, if there even is a future. The fact that our relationship started out rocky set a negative tone throughout this past year, and everytime we hear the name "Karie", especially now with the election coming up, we both cringe and the memories of a year ago come rushing back.

 

Sometimes, I want to end things because I feel bad that he deals with this burden of guilt everyday, but I know that's no reason to end a relationship.

[Beec]

You need to get past this. He should not feel guilty every day about having an ex. If he did something wrong last year, and has shown remorse, forgive him and get over it. If you cannot, move on without him. Of course, any enxt guy will have an ex too, probably.

 

Part of this may be you needing him to make you feel secure in how he feels about you, but that should not be hard to deal with.

[PoloGirl]

Why did he break up with her?

[Elliesonline]

Thanks to everyone for all the insight.

 

PoloGirl-

 

Why he broke up with her, I really can't say that I completely understand, myself. Being a girl, I know that it's VERY EASY to trick guys into believing certain things because, basically, guys are really dumb and they'll believe anything. Supposedly, she tricked him. She lied about a lot of things, like that she was an accounting manager, when she was actually only a telemarketer. Or that her father was sick or she lost her job, so she'd beg for money, which ended up with him paying her bills. Things like that. He also noticed that she would kick his 2 dogs, but I guess he cared for her so didn't do anything about it. The poor dogs, they tried to run away a couple of times.

 

I guess he cared for her at the start, but eventually he saw her true self, and that was 2 years down the line. By that time, she had already moved in, and the relationship became stagnant. And you know that it's hard to break routine, because he was used to having someone there, even though the person was like a non-entity to him. Making someone move out is really hard to do, a very delicate situation. She began pressuring him about marriage, and to appease her, he took her to the jewelry store to pick out a ring (isn't it sad that he didn't give her a proper proposal?). However, they never made plans for the wedding. No invitations, no wedding gown, nothing.

 

9/1/1 hit, and the economy went downhill. He started to make less money, that's when she started having cold feet and wanted to be engaged for a little longer. He had doubts from the beginning, so when he saw the exit, he bolted and told her to move out.

 

He and I met a year after they broke up, and after she saw my postings on his website, she went berserk. She called 10 times a day and wrote highly insulting things on his site. He blocked her messages, but it just fueled her anger and she wrote that she didn't like "the new woman" (me), that I was a controlling person and other things I can't state here. What an idiot.

 

That's about all I know. He also said that he lost respect for her towards the end because she gained mad weight (I found a pair of her pants, she was a size 10!!), she was lazy, rude. I couldn't understand how she thought she had a right to insult me when she has no education, she's obscenely overweight, and she has no career.

 

Anyway, I do want a future with him, so I have been trying to get over these things. I just question his judgment, and in doing so, I wonder if I deserve better.

[Michael2]

Your last statement says it all.

 

Thinking you deserve better. The real question you SHOULD be asking yourself, do I deserve to push my own demons onto the person I love.

 

If you have the gaul to even think you deserve better because if his PAST, then you really have some personal demons to work on.

I suggest you have a long and personal talk with him. Because sooner or later he will get fedup with it, and when that time comes you will be devestated.

 

 

I dont know how many people have destroyed relationships due to their own insecuritiies, but this sure sounds like a typical case.

 

You are directing all this anger at the wrong place. The bottomline is this. You can not deal with the fact your ex was in loved and willing to marry another woman. Get over it already.

[outrageousxo]

hmm

[savannahohsavannah]

It sounds as if you are too immature yourself right now to have a true adult loving relationship. How old are you and the man involved? When you love a person you love them and their flaws as well. Also, it's being able to accept that he's had other people in his past that he may still have feelings for. You have had past bf's, yes? If his ex went into stalker mode with you online that is lamentable, but you should ignore anything that was not an out and out threat of phsical violence. Most online don't do anything except vent with words. Why did you deal with his ex, instead of him? That sounds awfully controlling! I get the feeling from what you said that he would have preferred that you simply ignore her. Ask him, and see what he says if you haven't already.

Sigh. I don't want to bash you, and it may sound like I've done that, but you have to have both your feet planted firmly on the ground before you can dance the pas de deux!

[Elliesonline]

savannahohsavannah- I am 24, he's 28.

 

outrageousxo Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 1:30 am

 

you seem kind of jealous of the ex. maybe because she had him before you, which isnt HIS problem. youre gettin kind of posessive.

 

I got jealous when he wanted me to ignore her, because it seemed like he was siding with her, although now I realize it wasn't so. BUT, and please note, I AM IN NO WAY JEALOUS OF HIS EXGF. He has fallen in love before, about almost 10 years ago, and he still keeps the girl's pictures (she's very pretty). And, he keeps in touch with another girl from his past, that I don't have a problem with. He also has letters from past relationships that he hasn't tossed because he says they make him feel special (?).

 

I'm glad that he has had past relationships because he is able to truly appreciate me. However, if someone attacks my credibility saying that I'm ghetto, that I need to get myself back into school, things along those lines, I can't sit back and ignore the insults. Maybe it would work for the rest of you, but I am not the type to sit back and wait for problems to go away. Because they don't.

 

When you look at your bf's past gfs, it gives you an indication of your bf's tendencies. From what my bf has told me about his exfiancee, I think my bf likes to be treated badly, and this worries me most about the potentiality of long- term commitment to him. (BTW, kudos to all of you who understood where I was coming from.) Anyway, want to know what's funny? The other day, my boyfriend told me that if he knew MY past before meeting me, he would never have agreed to date me. And he didn't say this to be vindictive. So I wasn't the only one who felt this way.

 

UPDATE: I have taken all the comments into account, and despite some of the postings being VERY tough to digest, much less swallow, I appreciate everyone's insights. I don't think about the events of a year ago very much anymore, and when the topic of marriage comes up, I don't try to avoid the issue. My boyfriend is a little weird, but the thought of marriage to him doesn't scare me anymore.

[PoloGirl]

I hope that everything works out for you and your boyfriend!!

 

P.S. No offense, I am a size 10, only because I have hips and a butt,but my bmi is normal and my weight for my height is normal, and I am by no means overweight.