What do women want?

[yy99]

My gf of 3 yrs went on a trip for 2 months over this summer. About half way through the trip, I found out she was dating with this guy. I confronted her and she admits. We agreed we will discuss it after she comes back.

She came back on last Saturday and we met yesterday. She said she loves me, but she is missing something in the relationship. I asked her what is she missing, but she said she doesn't know. She said that's why she is dating him, to see if she is actually missing something. It is very confusing to me. At first I thought she is still young(25), so I told her maybe you just not ready for a real commitment yet, and wants to continue to have fun. She said that's not it.. she said she wants to know now, and she wants to get married. She thought of marrying me, but she wants to make sure I am what she wants. What I get from it, is that she is choosing between me or him. I told her you guys are together like what, 2 months? Of course it's going to be all nice and wild. I told her not to rush it. I love her, and I want her to be happy. I told her go date him, but don't rush into thinking marriage. Find out what you want, and then you can commit to it. She said she might be giving up the best thing that ever happened to her, but she wants to take the risk.

 

I have a ring for her already. I wrapped the ring as a gift, she doesn't know what's in it yet. I told her to open it when she is thinking of me. Inside I have a note saying marry me, let me take care of you.

 

Am I doing the right thing? Is this what she wanted? Until she gives me an answer, I will leave her alone and let her think. And I will give up if she returns the ring. Oh, and her family and relatives are all very very strict. It gets to her nervs very much and she hates it. I am not sure that could be another reason she is worried?

 

Thanks for reading this long post.. Any advice will be appreciated! I really want this to work..

[ComputerGuy]

My question to you would be do you want to commit to someone who is quite clearly not commited to you. Marriage is devotion and commitment to one person, and you dont want that with someone when you are sleeping with someone else, unless they want it for reasons other than love.

 

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too, as in she wants you, but wants to be able to have whomever else she pleases as well. I think she is doing it because you are giving her the impression that it is fine and so I think she will continue to do this as long as you continue to give her the OK about it.

 

Bottom line, you want commitment, she quite obviously does not.....her excuses are just that, excuses. I may be rather short of the mark, but that is my opinion on the matter anyway.

[yy99]

Thanks for your opinon ComputerGuy!

 

She does pretty much take me for granted.. I did give an okay to her to date someone else.. while I will wait. It's not a wise decision.. but I do want to marry her, let her think about it and see if she has realized what she wants.

 

The ring is the last thing I will do. She will know that once she reads the note, I will leave her and wish her well. There is pretty much nothing else I can do anymore..

 

Please any comments or advice will definitely help..

Thanks!

[Tom_Bombadil]

Well, I'm not all that great on giving relationship advice, but I'll tell you what I think anyways.

 

I wouldn't wait anymore. As computerguy said before, she doesn't seem to be completely comitted to you. Red flags started going up in my mind when I read that after two months of you two being apart, she's with someone else. It has always been my firm belief that if you want to begin a new relationship with another person, you end the first one. She hadn't even told you until you confronted her. It sounds to me like she may be giving you excuses. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but you were together for 3 years. It just isn't normal to go behind someone's back like that after being together so long.

 

Maybe you should consider no contact for a while. I understand that you wanted to get married, but perhaps she just isn't ready for a commitment. People often say that if you let something go, it will come back to you if it were meant to be. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. You've done your part already. Please keep an open mind though. I know you must be hurting now, but you just might meet someone better.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck and keep your head up.

[yy99]

Thanks Tom_Bombadil!

 

I think you gave a great relationship advice.

I definitely agree with you. You should end your relationship before starting another one. Cheating is just not right. I always hated cheaters, but now it happened to me, emotion is so different being the person instead of an outsider.

I gave her the ring, let her know that I am ready. Even she has done all that to me, I am willing to accept it. Like you said, it's been 3 years, hard to let go.. I am not sure how long she will give me an answer, but in between the time, I will keep an open mind.

I won't expect an 'yes' from her. I want her to know how I feel.

I will do no contact, give her space. Unless it's important, I will contact her.

I did all I can do at this point. It's up to her to come back to me or not. I hope one day I can completely let go and be strong again..

I will keep you updated on this. Maybe soon we will have an answer.

[AzurePhoenix]

Yikes.. this is a bit like something from my past.

 

The advice you have received already is excellent. It does sound to be that she is not committed and that she is no where near ready to be married. If she has these questions and acts on them now..without telling you, then she will have these questions and act on them when you are married.

 

My take is hard and ugly. The next time I talked to her I would say "I have been thinking about what you said. I agree, and feel I have been missing something in our relationship too. Unlike you however, I know what it is. It is commitment and honesty. You have neither. Have a nice life." Then I would implement the no contact rule and never look back.

 

This gives you two things. Your self respect and control. There is no price that you can put on those mate..

 

In my mind, your relationship with this bimbo is over. Anything else comprimises your sense of self worth.

 

~AzurePhoenix

[yy99]

AzurePheonix,

 

Did you went through similar situation? What did you do?

I have done a lot of thinking.. I do love her.. and I do look for commitment and honesty.. I didn't receive any of that from her yet.. I hope one day she will... it is not too fair for me.. I think I have given the ring too quickly.. I will ask her for the ring back. And I will tell her like what you said, I am looking for commitment and honesty. If one day she can show them to me, and I am still around, then it's meant to be.

This has been really hard for me... but I guess I will have to do it. Since everyone here tells me that.

Do you think is there a good way to talk to her?

Thanks for your advice!!

[AzurePhoenix]

My similiar situation was with a women who was much the same as you describe in your situation. When we were together, we were great and in a committed relationship. When we were apart, she was with whomever she wanted to be with. It was gut wrenching and very hard.

 

There were many mistakes I made, and I learned some important lessons, some of which I have imparted to you in a previous post. The most important was that you *always* have to be true to *you* and that it is *mandatory* that you respect yourself. If you do not respect yourself, then for darn sure no one else will either. In this situation, I made my relationship too available to this woman. It was not valued by her as it was too easy to obtain. There was no price, no sacrifice, no comprimise on her part. She could get what she wanted from me, at any time. I made it too easy for her to walk over me, and she did just that. I was always available for her and as such, there was no value in it for her. When I caught her in bed with another guy I eventually allowed her back in my life becuase I "loved" her. Eventually we went out separate ways, and in the end I was alone with memories. Did it hurt? Yes. But I learned. I like to say that "I use to be a nice guy." Today I am much harder and I have rules that I insist upon. The rules are quite simple. I respect you and your rights. If you do not respect me in any way, the you are not worth my time and you are out of my life.

 

Lastly.. let me tell you something very profound and something that I think you need to fully understand here. ... ready?...

 

It is OK to be mad and angry.

 

It is NOT OK for someone to treat you like she has treated you.

 

No One is going to stand up for you except you.

 

How to talk to her? OK.. tell me how I should have talked to the woman I described above when I caught her in bed with another guy?

 

Again, sorry for being so abrupt in this post. Your situation has hit a nerve with me and I really hate to see another guy go through the same things I went through.

 

 

Best~

 

~AzurePhoenix

[DEgirl23]

Well, first of all you do sound like a wonderful and caring individual and most likely it doesn't have anything to do with you. However, I think that she really doesn't know what she want either, but right now she wants the other guy more then you, or she would be with you. It is very unfair of her to live you on the side like that, while she tries to figure out what she wants.

 

My advise is ... go out. Have a good time. You might meet a really nice girl who wants to be with you. Everyone wants a person to want them. You too need to date and see what is out there. Then if you do get back together you will not feel like she cheated on you or you missed out of something. And if you do not get back together, at least you will be developing some of your own independence. Good luck. Love can be tough, believe me, I know.

[Zipp]

I agree that you deserve much better. I think you gave the ring much too soon and even if she accepts the ring, it doesn't mean she will change as a person. She sounds selfish and unsure of what she wants. Don't drag yourself through that with her. Definitely try NC and give yourself some to heal. If she is silly enough to throw away 3 years for a fling then you don't need her.

[yy99]

AzurePhoenix,

 

Thank you for sharing some of your past, I will learn from this and be strong again. I too being very available for her and she didn't have to do anything for me. Even when we talked on Sunday, I was being nice and not one word that is against her.

I will still be a nice bf, but I will start respecting myself more.

I am sorry about what happened with your ex. What did u do after you found out? I hope you have already found the right person for you now.

 

Thanks again!! I will remember and constantly reminding myself of your words.

[yy99]

DEgirl23,

 

Thanks for your advice. I understand it's not right to stay together right now. I hope one day she will find what she wants. Like you said, if after a while and after I have met new ppl, and we got back together, both of us should have a better idea of what we want and can start over again.

 

Relationship is tough.. i hope it is easier when you are with the right person.

[yy99]

Hi Zipp,

 

I did give the ring too soon.. at that moment I just wanted to give it to her.. wasn't the brightest idea.. I will get it back and will tell her maybe one day you will ask for it back.

3 years isn't very long, but still i can't believe she just threw it away.. I guess I will try to think the same..

Thanks Zipp!