jimbobday Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Hi All This is probably a pretty common problem. But here's the issue Me and my gf have cut down to having sex once a week now and when it does happen its usually her saying hurry up and get it over with. I've talked to her about it and she just says she doesn't feel like sex anymore with anyone (There doesn't appear to be any medical issue there) She just said it doesn't interest her. Our sex life used to be amazing but its been downhill for a while. She said she spoke to her therapist and her therapist said its not for people not to have an interest in sex. I've tried romantic evenings and when we are together we still joke around and flirt but when it comes to sex she just isn't interested. I've tried giving her a massage but she doesn't want one. I'm actually a little stuck here as for me sex is an important part of a relationship not so much the act but the intimacy behind it Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Is there any stress in her life? Was there ever an argument between the two of you left unresolved? Could that be why she doesn't want sex? And you also stated there are no meds she could be taking to interfere... okay. So you've tried romantic evenings, you've tried massages. You sound very thoughtful, so I doubt you did something to make her hold out. What exactly did her therapist say to her? I hope your gf isn't being told that a sex drive dropping for no reason is normal. When you try talking to your gf again, don't let her get away with saying she's just not interested. Ask her if she knows what started the decrease in her sex drive. Let her know you are still very willing to pleasure her even though intercourse isn't involved. Try to get to the root of the issue, even if it's difficult for you to coax and explanation out of her. It could also be she doesn't know why this is happening, but if that's the case, it definitely needs to be hashed out with the therapist. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 One more question, does she get herself off? If she still masturbates, then you'd know her sex drive is still up n' running. Link to comment
Sweet Heart Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 You know... Dont push the issue... If she's not interested its probably because your doing something wrong in your part or she's feeling insecure about her body Link to comment
jimbobday Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 Thanks. I can't think of any unresolved issues. She says she is sick at the moment but she seems very happy during the day then at night around bed time she isn't. There isn't any stresses more than usual that I can think of. Yep her therapist said it was normal to go through stages of low sex drive. Nope she does masturbate anymore well not that I know of anyway. The thought of her getting it from somewhere else had crossed my mind but nothing else seems out of the ordinary. She doesn't contact me quite as much as usual but she still contacts me a few times a day Oh and we also live together with a child that she shares with her ex. Basically when we go to bed its i'm sick and i'm tired so leave me to sleep but then she seems fine during the day. At a bit of a loss with this one Also definitely haven't been pushing the issue at all. The last thing I want is her feeling like I'm pressuring her into sex. In saying that I do need my needs met as well Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Have you tried early morning sex, or a midday quickie? I wouldn't listen to people who tell you it's all your fault, none of us know the whole situation but you sound very understanding and caring so unless you left something out, I don't think the fault lies with you. Link to comment
jimbobday Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 Thanks Betweenthebars yep tried morning sex but midday sex is a bit of a struggle. Didn't seem to make any difference. Morning sex is just the same as night sex and I leave for work well before she wakes up. I tried it in the weekend but she always says shes tired and when she fully wakes up she jumps straight out of bed. She did get a little angry at me this weekend when I cleaned the house and put all the clothes on the ground in the washing but she later bought me a coffee and apologized Link to comment
Deciduous Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Hi jimbobday, "its usually her saying hurry up and get it over with." Jez! How very encouraging! Sounds a nightmare. Can I ask how long you have been together? If it's been less than 6-8 months, I would strongly suspect the bait&switch technique. This may well be your girl-friends normal sex-drive. People don't suddenly go from high sex drive to low sex drive for no reason what-so-ever. There-fore it can only be one of three things. a) Medical - anti-depressants or other prescription drugs. She says no. b) Psychological - change in feelings towards the relationship (is her sex-drive the only thing that's changed?) unexplored childhood trauma (this could lead to low libido which remains undisclosed until the relationship is running) Recent trauma c) Low sex drive - it was never high to begin with. Either way having sex with a person who says "hurry up and getting it over" has got to be pretty horrific for your self-esteem. And very disrespectful of your feelings. She's makes it sound like she's doing you a favour at great cost to herself. What the???. Not nice. Putting some-one on rations, without a hint as to why is deeply, deeply unfair to them. Deci Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I think "hurry up and finish" is a bad thing to say. if she is like that when you are 26, what is sex going to be like at 46??? if at all?! would you want to marry this woman? yikes!!!!! good points by deci. I also want to point out that some birth control pills can make a sex drive go down as well. so that is something she should look into. Link to comment
jimbobday Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 Thanks Deciduous Just for a bit of background. We have been together since last august and before that we were off and on for about 4 years. We had an instance last year where her sex drive dropped but I knew this was from me going to see a friend thats a girl that she didn't like. Since then it was steadily increasing an almost back to where it started but about the last month its dropped off dramatically. Her sex drive seems to be the only thing thats changed that and the fact that she doesn't text quite as much. We had sex everyday at the beginning of the relationship but that died when I went to see my friend. Then we worked through those issues and it picked back up and now its dropped again with no apparent reason other than her saying she is sick. I know its pretty horrible sometimes I just say I don't feel like it because it actually puts me out of the mood at other times I just do it cause I need to get those needs met. In all honesty I wouldn't want to marry her the way she is now. Shes got an IUD so I don't think it affects sex drive Link to comment
Deciduous Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 so you are dating a single mother??? i didnt know that little nugget. bad idea. you are 26 why did you give up so young ? you need a break buddy. is there any way you can move with a friend for a week or 2 or to your parents? you need to start seeing this situation from a third person perspective. Really?? F&F, all this despite the fact you were not asked for opinion on 26 year old males and single Mothers. Are any of these issues relevant to the problem at hand? Hi Jim, The mirena has been known to alter women's libido, although naturally the manufacturers deny it. However the IUD is a hormone and some people are more sensitive to it than others. Mirena IUD and your sex drive. link removed Link to comment
jimbobday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Thanks mate. May be able to move to my parents for a week or two. I talked to her again about it she accused me of always thinking about sex and pressuring her but also said its because she is sick and tired and feels secure and confident that I'm not going to leave her. Not to sure what to make out of that. Link to comment
Deciduous Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 She accused me of always thinking about sex and pressuring her but also said its because she is sick and tired and feels secure and confident that I'm not going to leave her. Not to sure what to make out of that. Oh dear, not good. The equivelent of saying "I really don't give a fudge about your hurt feelings when it comes to sex. What you gonna do about? Nothing." What on earth is going ? That just sounds plain disrespectful. Link to comment
jimbobday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 I agree Deciduous. I'm thinking break up may be the only option here? As I don't think I can be with someone who has so little respect for my feelings Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 The next step is to let her know: " it's nice that you have such confidence in yourself to think a man will stay with you no matter what, but I'm sorry that for me, that isn't the case. The way you treat me with disrespect is unacceptable, if I'm feeling hurt or upset you should be able to listen to me and genuinely care. Maybe you've gotten to the point where you take me for granted, I'm not sure. I do know though I'm going to move out for 2 weeks and I hope that space gives you time to assess our relationship and reflect on our issues." Whew! There you go. That is exactly what I would say. Link to comment
DN Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 sorry to say but this won't get better. I would definitely move on to someone whose sex drive is about the same as yours. Link to comment
jimbobday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Thanks guys. I've been thinking the same thing a bit lately. She seems to get better for a bit but then it all goes downhill again Link to comment
DN Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Well, that behaviour is fairly standard. It`s just enoigh to keep you around until she feels you won`t going leave and then the cycle starts again. Link to comment
im_the_undead Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 blame hormones. this has happened to me. it just comes out of the blue sometimes. i had too much sex with my bf... sometimes i wasn't really feeling anything other times i simply couldn't get turned on.. it's weird to explain but sometimes we don't desire sex even though we feel we need it. it's HORMONES ! because when i'm about to start my period... all the boringness of sex disappears and i'm suddenly my horniest. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 If the guy knows what he's doing he can get her in the mood even if she doesn't think she's into it, he can KEEP her in the mood and finish her off with so much pleasure that she'll wonder why she ever thought she could do without it. Most guys don't have a clue, and they wonder why eventually she just gives up and would prefer to watch TV or something. I don't think this is really true. My husband is the best lover I've had, and still sometimes I'm too sore or too stressed to have sex. But OPs gf is constantly refusing, AND she's disrespectful. Not good. Link to comment
Deciduous Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I don't think this is really true. OPs gf is constantly refusing, AND she's disrespectful. Not good. Agreed. The girlfriend is not looking to work on the problems or "improve" their sex lives. No discussion. She isn't interested in communicating, period. Like it or lump is her attitude. Really??? That's how you "sensitively" deal with your guy's feelings??? The way I see it, this isn't the OP's failing. He has opened up the line of communication but got shot down. The boundaries of mutual respect and compassion were breached. Now that is a problem. Link to comment
hrtlsngl7 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 she is probably getting it from somewhere else. I concur and/or you're not satisfying her. Try going downtown. That RARELY fails to get a girl interested. Link to comment
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