A surprising shift for the better, but not what I expected

[nicholascrack]

Hi clarabelle,

 

Sorry to get off topic, but I was curious when you said you were a musician. What instrument do you play?

 

N.

[Clarabelle]

Hi Nicholas - I'm a pianist, vocalist and composer.

Muneca (and Beec), I really thought about your previous posts a lot during this holiday weekend. I text-messaged my husband to let him know we were coming back home and he called me right away. Then after I got off the phone with him I thought about all the nice things he has done during the separation just so we could have fun together and the nice things he has done for me during this time and before, I texted him again to say thank you and how much I had appreciated them. We had dinner together as a family and he told me with tears in his eyes how much he appreciated getting my message. He said "I'm not saying this so that you do it all the time to get me to come back, but this is what I really like to hear. "

I had another insight on the way back home which was to LET GO. To be specific, when I felt panicked about wanting a resolution, to acknowledge those thoughts and let go of them; when I felt anger toward him or the fact that he had gotten involved with someone else, to let go of it; and when I started feeling like we had to be together, to LET GO. Everytime I had negative feelings or thoughts about situations over which I had no control, I told myself to let go. Sometimes I felt like bursting into tears. Other times I felt like laughing. And other times it was letting out a long sigh.

[Mun]

I had another insight on the way back home which was to LET GO. To be specific, when I felt panicked about wanting a resolution, to acknowledge those thoughts and let go of them; when I felt anger toward him or the fact that he had gotten involved with someone else, to let go of it; and when I started feeling like we had to be together, to LET GO. Everytime I had negative feelings or thoughts about situations over which I had no control, I told myself to let go. Sometimes I felt like bursting into tears. Other times I felt like laughing. And other times it was letting out a long sigh.

 

This is such a good message Clarabelle. Your husband's reaction... wow... just what he wanted to hear.

 

I have a feeling that maybe all the things about you that are so positive make him feel as if he is not good enough for you, but he doesn't know how to express it the right way so it manifests itself with him being competitive and trying to show you up. Maybe what he really wants to say is--Look I can do things just like you can--I am good enough ( and this is why he said the other lady does whatever he wants without demands--in other words--she doesn't make him feel inadequate) Those are just my thoughts. I could be wrong.

 

I think you are doing very well. I honestly liked your idea about letting go. It's something that is so hard to do, but so necessary.

[Clarabelle]

Muneca, I think you are really on point with the inadequacy issue. My husband likes to position himself as the authority in all matters so that he doesn't have to address those feelings. He's starting to begin to open that door, but it is so scary for him to admit that he might not know everything about all that he professes to know. His mother does this too and has managed to alienate herself from nearly everyone who cares about her. SHe says that those people weren't her real friends anyway, but I believe it's her insistence on thinking of herself as above her friends (to compensate for deep feelings of insecurity) that's caused her to lose friends. My husband, to complicate matters, is in a job where he is looked to as an expert, so he gets lots of strokes for his opinions and no motive to truly listen to others. He mentioned to me that his current gf is not very bright and not able to express herself well, which I'm sure is appealing at least for the moment. I texted him about some of these issues last night, about not being able to listen to others and thinking he is somehow better or more special than others, because I sensed he was open to it and I think they are things he needs to hear - maybe not from me, though. Thanks again, Muneca. In the meantime, I will continue to give appreciation and validation to him when I can, not with the aim of re-capturing him, simply to show love.

[Mun]

I will continue to give appreciation and validation to him when I can, not with the aim of re-capturing him, simply to show love.

 

Clarabelle,

I'm quoting what you said here because I think that by showing him you appreciate him you will show him that you respect him ( even when you don't agree with him), something that he probably needs to know.

 

The way you treat each other will impact how you handle all things regarding your daughter. That is the most important issue right now.

[Clarabelle]

Muneca's signature quote (change the quality of your thoughts and you change your world) is well worth practicing. I've been working on putting it into practice as much as possible. I believe it was also a factor, if not the factor, that led to my dissatisfaction with my husband and my inability to effect meaningful changes during our relationship. At times the quality of my thoughts is very dark. I am learning during this time to accept those moments of darkness and to understand that these moments are not optimal times to try to make a realistic assessment of my world or life. Rather, I am learning to say to myself, "I'm having a dark moment, for whatever reason. When I wake up, I will feel better tomorrow, and will be able to think about my life in a different way."

[Clarabelle]

I just had an unnerving encounter with my husband. It was his turn to take care of our daughter tonight and usually I meet them here back home when I finish with my appt. Tonight, however, I didn't get a call until about 9pm that he was walking around in his neighborhood with her and was coming home. I have told him before I'm not comfortable with him hanging out with his gf with our daughter. I admit that my jealousy plays a part, but we both agreed a few months ago that until our situation was resolved it was better for our daughter not to be around the gf and that it was the most important for her to know who to trust. But last Friday he took our daughter to the beach with the gf. And tonight they hung out at his place (which I found out tonight is their place), the three of them. During this time, we had slowly been making baby steps towards healing the old wounds and reconciliation, having fun. I said to my husband when he got here "I really don't want you bringing her to your gf's house." He said "well, I think that's your jealousy, and btw, I didn't want to tell you this, but we live together" (which I kind of suspected all along) I replied that until he was really sure about his situation and whether she was a person he could really trust, he should refrain from having our daughter around her, so that she wouldn't be confused about loyalties. "She won't be confused." I said, "until you have a commitment to this person, I wouldn't do it." He said, "maybe I want to be committed to this person. I've told you that you can do whatever you want." I said, "what I want is to preserve my marriage. it was the hardest thing I ever did when I asked you to leave but I had to do it because you weren't meeting my needs. I am really willing to take advantage of the healing that went on during this time and re-commit." He said, "I'm committed to my family too, and I love you." I said to him, "How can you be committed to one person and be commited to your marriage? You did what you needed to do to move on after I kicked you out, and I went along with it. Now I'm asking you, so that I can move on, to let me go, stop hanging around me. If you want to make a commitment to this other person, then divorce me. I won't be happy about it, but I will be able to say to myself that I did everything I could to save my marriage, even asking my husband to leave when his anger became out of control." Then he left. He called me again later to say he was sorry he said anything to make me upset and re-iterated that I was unloading on him because I was jealous. I said no, we had an agreement not to have our daughter spend time with you and the gf for the time being. I re-stated my points from face to face, I admit that I got pretty fired up, but when I look in the bottom of my heart (and I have been following the advice on this forum pretty carefully) I know I said what needed to be said, and that I'm not being unreasonable about the no time with gf rule. I'm sad because I truly thought we were learning to love each other again, and this was unexpected. Really unexpected. But I stated my commitment to him and to us loud and clear. I don't know what he will choose. I'd like to say that it doesn't matter, but of course it does.

[Mun]

Clarabelle,

You don't have to wait until he choses. You can make a choice now. You choose not to play this game with him. He knows how you feel. He knows what you want.

 

I have a feeling that he is being somewhat immature and is now using the "other wowan/other committment" to make you feel insecure. Don't fall for it.

 

You can still treat him with respect like I had mentioned before. Somebody has to be an adult here... right? Don't lower yourself by asking him again to make a choice. Hold your head high and treat this as though he has already decided. Can you walk away from him now?

 

I hope I'm not giving you bad advise here. Anyone else have another opinion?

[Clarabelle]

Thank you again, Muneca. As always, your posts are wonderful and appreciated. Just as I expected, the husband called this morning to apologize and to say that he wouldn't take our daughter to his gf's (and his) house anymore "because it makes you sad, even though I know you don't want to talk me now." He went on to add, "You two are the only ones I love. But I'm not holding you to anything." I answered, "Yes, you are, when you make statements like that." He said that he had to go because his client had arrived and that he would talk to me later.

 

Last night was a turning point for me. I had brought up separation and divorce several times before with him, to which at various times he responded to negatively and at other times with nonchalance. I haven't pursued it full out, beyond the research phase, but I realized last night that this game has got to end. It's not good for me. And nothing is being resolved. I've always known in the back of my mind that a separation agreement would really help me in terms of practicing a stricter, but still respectful NC.

 

Yes, he is playing this other woman off me to bolster his ego, which was badly damaged when I asked him to leave. He is a fragile person and I didn't pay attention to that in the past. I know he has no real deep feelings for her, and while I don't respect her for dating a married man, I have been upset by his willingness to essentially use this woman. It has diminished my respect for him.

 

I am going to obtain a "do-it-yourself" separation agreement today and drop it by his work.

 

I appreciate this forum and the people on it tremendously. It has been a source of strength and comfort.