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Thinking about cheating


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I used to treat my wife like a princess. I bought her flowers all the time, gave her massages practically every night, and whenever I had a little extra money, I would surprise her with something special. I even did the dishes every day ;-)

 

When we were pregnant, I treated her even more special. She was never "in the mood", but that didn't really bother me because I was focused on preparing to be a father. Besides that, she was so greatful for me taking such good care of her, she told me many times how good I would have it (in bed) after we settled in our new roles as parents.

 

It's been a year since our child was born, and our lovelife stinks. We have sex once, maybe twice a month if I'm lucky. I say "sex" because there is no passion. She never wants to kiss, be romantic or have foreplay, she just wants to have sex. She's also selfish in bed. I do anything to please her, but she doesn't care to please me. She is sort of like a stereotypical guy.

 

Then suddenly when she decides it's time for us to have another baby, she wants to have sex every night for a week when the time is ripe, then it's back to nothing. I feel like she is just using me for my sperm.

 

She hardly speeks to me, she just sits in front of the computer all the time. It's like we're strangers. When I want to spend time with her, she says she's too tired, but she always seems to have energy for EVERYTHING else. I feel like I'm her absolute last priority. Actually, I'm not even on the list.

 

I've NEVER cheated on anyone in my whole life. The thought of doing something like that has never even crossed my mind... until now. I fantasize about cheating on her all the time. I'm dieing for affection, but she won't listen to me.

 

What should I do?

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man this is a tough situation. I dont blame u on how you feel. It must be very sexually frustrating for u. Especially considering how well u treat her in life and in the bedroom. Seems like your doing everything right, but it aint working. U really need to sit down and talked to her about it and find out. Perhaps even going further and getting a 3rd party involved in the talking.

 

I hope things work out.

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All I can say is that I understand your situation. I've been on both sides of your situation as I have had 2 kids which are close in age. There is this book, The Expectant Father and The New Father which could try to help you understand your wife a little bit. As someone who's had kids, I can say our hormones go out of whack and it does take time for it to get back to normal. Another thing is that the role of your wife is different now and she's a mother. Yes you have become second on her priority list of people but that is something that is expected as the baby is also 1st on your priority list.

 

I suggest that before you decide to have another child that you and your wife sit down and talk about this and your problems with each other. I can't stress enough how important it is for the two of you to do this. Another thing that you can try to do is get a babysitter for your child and go away for a couple of days...just you and your wife...NO BABY!!!! You need time away from your baby to rediscover the two of you.

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I think its time for some serious relationship counseling for the both of you. I'd do it now BEFORE anything happens like cheating. I can understand why you are feeling the way that you are but at least give it a try to see if the relationship can be salvaged.

 

You need to be completely honest in the counseling. No holding back just to avoid hurt feelings. If you have needs that aren't being met you need to discuss those completely. I'm sure your wife may have some things to say that you won't like either. But give it a try for the sake of the marriage and for the sake of the children.

 

Being parents is NOT easy. I know what you mean about the lovelife going in the toilet. It gets to the point where you literally have to plan each lovemaking session or it simply never happens.

 

Another idea for you - get someone to watch your child (children?) for a weekend. Then go away with your wife somewhere. No computer, no crying children, just the two of you. And recharge those marital batteries. Its vital that a couple not forget that they are lovers as well as parents. This is not a substitute for the counseling - you both still need that. But this is a little extra to help you two remember why it was you got married in the first place.

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Thank you for your quick replies.

 

I actually have suggested we see a counselor, but she doesn't want to. She thinks counseling is the last thing you do before you get a divorce. I also understand about hormones being out of balance, but for a whole year?

 

As for the priorities, I wish I was second. I would jump for joy if I was even third. It seems she has more time/patience/energy for complete strangers. It's like I don't exist.

 

Do you think I should tell her I think about cheating? Would that wake her up or make things worse?

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ohhh telling her you think about that would be bad. I can only imagine what kind of bond you would need with someone to get married b/c I am not yet close to that stage of my life yet. But marriage is one of the most precious and strongest bonds you have with someone. I can't imagine what I would do if my spouse mentioned she thought about cheating on me! You dont want to give her an emotional breakdown. I know I'm speaking out of ignorance here but I really WOULDN'T tell her

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man u just told me life story only it was about my ex. shes bored man BORED. i didnt cheat on mine but she cheated on me and thats exatly how she acted. i say cheat on her before she cheats on you man. BUT only after u talked to her about everythin just start screamin at her and if she still being selfish then go for it. i didnt have the balls to but thats just me.

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Sorry but I disagree with accord. I wouldn't tell her you think about cheating nor would I head down that path if the relationship is salvagable. But I would tell her that if you don't head to counseling that a divorce is the next step. That should wake her up.

 

Her point about not wanting to go to counseling is misplaced. Avoiding counseling does not head off a divorce. In fact, it probably hastens it if the problems are that severe.

 

Give it one more try before doing anything rash. If you give her the "We need counseling or we're screwed" speech and she doesn't respond then lets talk about your next set of options.

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First of all, it takes 2 years for a woman to FULLY recover from childbirth. Some women its easier and others its harder. There's also sleep deprivation and it could spoil any moment.

 

I don't think you should tell her that you are thinking of having an affair as it would just make her paranoid and probably make the relationship worse. You need to have her sit with you to discuss your concerns but just remind her that these are things that are just bothering you and that you need to tell her and that you need to work a plan to overcome these. As for counseling, I was reluctant and I found that they just teach you how to talk to each other. Its all about communication and that's all.

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ShroudedSorrow24, you sound like a wise, young man. I hope you can hang on to your positive and hopeful outlook on marriage when you get older.

 

accord_lowrida, I wish I could, but I'm not the type, evne though my thoughts are consumed with cheating lately.

 

peanut15, she has recovered, and she gets plenty of sleep. If she hadn't recovered, why would she want another baby already? As I mentioned, she has energy for EVERYTHING else, but she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I have to read our webpage to find out what my son has been doing while I'm at work because she won't talk to me when I get home.

 

Well, I doubt I will cheat on her, but I'm through being Mr Nice-guy. I'm not helping around the house anymore- no more massages- no more cooking dinner, buying flowers or anything else nice. I'm just going to come home from work each day, spend time with my son until he goes to bed, then go to sleep myslef.

 

I hate playing these stupid games, but what else can I do?

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I hate playing these stupid games, but what else can I do?

 

You're in a tough situation, and I think Avman is probably the man to talk to about your marriage. Never having been married or bearing children, it's difficult for me to say what I would do if I was in your situation.

 

Have you discussed the option of counceling with your wife? If so, what has her reaction been? I think if you explain yourself fully to her, without actually telling her that you've been thinking about cheating on her, she might listen to reason. If my boyfriend told me that he was thinking about cheating on me, I wouldn't trust him anymore, nor would I respect him as much ever again. These thoughts of infidelity should be kept where they belong - on this message board and in your own mind!

 

Avman is right - try to arrange for your children to be babysat for the night, and have a long talk with your wife. Explain to her that you're tired of feeling like you don't exist, that the lack of attention and affection is making you feel like she doesn't even care about your marriage anymore. Tell her you love and respect her completely, but that you're starting to feel like a ghost around the house. Tell her that you can't go on for long living as the two of you are living. If you can explain to her how much you need her to listen and try to come to an understanding with you, I think she might agree to enter into counceling.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know what your situation is right now and I hope you are not considering cheating on your wife. I understand your frustration with your wife as I had almost done the same with my husband after our second child. I dont' think you can understand what its like to be a mother as we women don't understand what its like to be a father. They're two completely different roles. I am a stay at home for now but I used to work full time...I had a career and everything. I'd have to say that I am more tired now than I ever have been staying home with the kids. And its a different type of tiredness. When my husband comes home, I'm quick to have him take the kids and I'll go do something else so I don't have to worry about anything or anybody else. Yeah it may sound selfish to a man but try spending all your time with the kids all day.

 

My husband used to do NOTHING when he'd come home. Kinda like what you threatened with your wife. And you know what, our relationship worsened. I'm sorry to say this but after you give birth to your child, your priorities change and it becomes the children first. My husband was absolutely jealous when our kids came first. With the first child, he was ok with it but after the second, he couldn't take it anymore. He thought I slept a lot, he thought I recovered from childbirth and I started not to talk to him as much. There were many things going through my head and that was the kids. Second was all the things I had to do around the house, then my job, then the bills, and then lastly...him. Why was he last? Because he's a grown man and he could take care of himself.

 

My husband had an affair because of the same things you complained about...with the exception of having another child...I"M DONE!!! He fulfilled his fantasy of having sex with someone else and you know what it cost him.....trust, love, honesty, faithfulness. You think her attitude towards you is bad now...just wait how she'll react after (if) you have an affair. I love my husband but I dont trust him anymore. We are still together and are in marriage counseling but its hard. He tells me he loves me but each time I think in my head that he's lying to me. He gives me a hug and sometimes I feel like pushing him away because I just want to break down and cry. He tries to kiss me and I hold back throwing up.

 

We just celebrated our wedding anniversary last week and I started to think that after his actions earlier this year, we have no marriage vows. It was for better or for worse and yet he was not able to take the worse of our relationship. I love him very much but I wonder if he loves me only when life is good between us?

 

I sure hope and pray that you aren't going forward with having an affair. I suggest you tell your wife that you are not ready to have another child. I'm hoping your not just following up on her wishes just to have sex. She may get mad if you but she'll get over it...it may take time but remember why you married her. She is the same woman but with a different set of priorities...believe me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I still haven't cheated, but things haven't changed either.

 

Peanut15, I hear what you're saying about priorities, but the thing that bothers me the most is absolutley EVERYTHING comes before me. She says she's tired, but she always has the energy to sit in front of the computer all night and ignore me. If I ask her a simple question, she growls at me, but when the phone rings, she jumps up and talks to whoever for hours.

 

It's not like she is slaving and working until the minute she goes to bed. Our kid is an angel. He sleeps 12 hours straight every night, and takes 2 naps every day. I help out in the morning before I go to work, and I take over as soon as I get home. Our son is in bed by 18:30 (19:30 at the latest), and we have the rest of the evening to ourselves.

 

She really makes me feal like a ghost, and it's not just the ignoring me either. At our son's first birthday, he got a toy, and the first thing she does is hand it to her brother to put together. HELLO!??!?!?! I'm his father! It's my job to show him how to put things together, and I'm the one who will teach him how to ride a bike and everything else. But I guess that only applies if you exist, which I apparently don't.

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  • 2 weeks later...

BeenCheated, I feel for you...

 

Has your wife ever been sexual?

My wife has always put my sexual needs as the lowest priority for her...

 

It has driven me to cheat... For me, the extramarital sex feels like an addictive drug... It's hard to shake it, even though I sometimes want to stop.

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Pensive, yeah, she was sexual in the beginning, though a little on the selfish side. Ironically, she was kind of like a typical guy. She just wanted to screw and cum without any foreplay or anything else fun.

 

What si your wife like? Does she always have an excuse, or have you quit trying?

 

I've been sleeping in the guestroom for a few weks now, because I can't stand to sleep in our bed anymore. Our bedrrom is a symbol of rejection to me and I can't sllep in there. On the bright side, I sleep a lot better alone.

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There were many things going through my head and that was the kids. Second was all the things I had to do around the house, then my job, then the bills, and then lastly...him. Why was he last? Because he's a grown man and he could take care of himself.

 

peanut,

I am sure that times are tough, and I admire you for trying to repair the damage.

 

BUT....

reading your post it seems you not only placed him last, but your mariage as a whole. Wasn't the affair exactly what you were pushing him to, to take care of himself? Do I think he should have, no. If the marriage is the last priority in your life, why keep it? It obviously didn't matter any more if it came after a job and what ever chores needed to be done around the house? The kids and their needs do need to come first, but to hear that the relationship is last on someones list really makes me think it doesn't really need to be around because it was just getting in the way. At that point it should just end.

 

I appologize for this being my first post here, but I was just browsing the forum after finding it on a search and this just struck a cord.

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You wish you where 3rd!!, man I feel for you...similar situation here.

 

Questions for youi ... Are you in some kind of desireable shape?? Meaning, I know that you are THE MAN giving her all that attention and everything, but have you looked after yourself at all?

 

Just a thought ... . call me shallow, but that sometimes matters ....

 

A firend in pain

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My advise is to not cheat...ever. Your wife may be going through some kind of post partum depression. Try to get treatment, or seek help from a professional.

 

Start going to the gym, try to make yourself attractive to her. If that does not work, talk about the possibility of a separation/divorce. Let her know that you are a man, and you have needs, and the right to love and happiness.

 

If you are going to be involved with someone else, break up this relationship first. If you can abstain from cheating, you can always look back and know you did your best to save the relationship, and it was not because of your cheating. Also if she catches you cheating, she might get angry and your divorce may not go as smoothly, or possibly turn into a nightmare.

 

There's plenty of beautiful loving women out there who can make you a very happy man, but you must be prepared to start a new relationship, which means you must be willing to finish one relationship before you start on the right foot with your next one.

 

Godspeed! 0X

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I've been sleeping in the guestroom for a few weks now, because I can't stand to sleep in our bed anymore. Our bedrrom is a symbol of rejection to me and I can't sleep in there. On the bright side, I sleep a lot better alone.

 

Your situation doesn't sound like it's gotten better, but worse, and it must be getting to the point of being unbearable.

 

How have things been going with you? Any new developments?

 

The thing you say about feeling like your bedroom is a symbol of rejection is pretty sad, and I wouldn't ever want to feel like that with my spouse. It sounds like you're really just trying to make the best of a very difficult situation for you. But I think, for your sake, it's time to start thinking about the next step. You're obviously a man who needs some passion and affection in his life. You're not getting it and less.

 

Have you had any serious talks with your wife lately?

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BUT....

reading your post it seems you not only placed him last, but your mariage as a whole. Wasn't the affair exactly what you were pushing him to, to take care of himself?

 

I didn't place him last. There are a lot of things that of course you don't know about my relationship with my husband. First of all, he has the opposite work schedule from me. I've always asked him and even begged him to meet me for lunch so we could see each other instead of him coming home to me asleep and me waking up next to him asleep. He refused each time but instead made time for her. I even asked him to visit the kids at daycare...again...made up excuses not to see them and instead made time to see her to have sex with her and talk about her kid. I had a more flexible work schedule so I at many times took a day off here and there and I had every other friday off so I could be with him and me and the kids could actually see him and be a family. What does he do? Lay on his back and sleep and watch tv. I hated being ignored to I would just take care of the kids and clean the house and pay the bills as none of that was going to happen on their own.

 

I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years and let me tell you that there has been little physical contact. I've many times "thrown" myself at him only to be given some pathetic excuse. The times where he's hinted at me that he wants sex, I stay up for him just so I could be with him (and I only wanted him) but to only be rejected once again. So you tell me that I may have led him to his affair...I wholeheartedly disagree. I gave more than 100% in my marriage only to be slapped in the face and knocked down hard by his affair. My husband NOW admits that he never put any effort into our marriage and he left it up to me. He saw me give up after 5 years and thought that I didn't care anymore so he decided to have sex with some other woman.

 

NO ONE pushes anyone to have an affair with someone else. That decision is made 100% by the people who end up having an affair and they do it willingly knowing who they are hurting. So angrily I state that he is a grown man that he could take care of himself and that my actions were in no way for him to go out and have an affair. Maybe you should reread my post and realize that you CANNOT rely on someone to take care of you while not giving anything in return. For you men...dont' expect your wife or SO to be superwoman and tend to the needs to the house, the kids, their job, and you.

 

What I've been getting out of here is not support but rather criticism about how I've handle my marriage. Maybe some of you are right and I should have paid attention to my husband more while he didn't pay attention to me and took me for granted for all the things I had given to him in our marriage up until this point. Before his affair, I sat down crying because he never gave me the time of day yet I gave him almost everything. I had children and got tired of putting myself and everything last over him and got a little selfish if you can call it that and put him where he prioritized me...last. So now I sit here crying my eyes out because he went and had his affair and definitely showed me where I stood in his list of priorities...LAST.

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Talk to her. Try therapy. Whatever you feel you want/need to do for yourself to make it work. My advice though is if ultimately things aren't looking up, leave. Be there for her as a friend and father for the kids, but you deserve to have a life as well.

 

Sorry to say, but I honestly don't think teh answer to society's problems are for the father to stay in the marriage. You don't have to be her husband to be their dad, and quite honestly, what kind of a father would you be anyway if the fundamental needs of your relationship aren't being satisfied? Resentment would grow, and everyone would lose out.

 

Good luck.

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  • 2 weeks later...

peanut15,

 

I had only quoted what you had said, that you put him last..

 

peanut15 wrote:

There were many things going through my head and that was the kids. Second was all the things I had to do around the house, then my job, then the bills, and then lastly...him. Why was he last? Because he's a grown man and he could take care of himself.

 

Your second post contradicts that, and from the sound of that post, you did a lot more to put him as a priority than to place him last. If this is the case, then I applaud all of the effort you put into the relationship, and am sorrowed that it didn't work out better..

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Cheating on someone is the lowest most horrible thing you could do. If you have any sense of maturity and dignity in you, after HAVING TRIED EVERYTHING you can do, literally!...then you walk away. But you just NEVER cheat on someone. That is foul. I don't care if they were not sexual ever and let their gut grow a hundred miles...If you are unhappy and the other person doesn't care after you have talked and talked and tried to do it all to work things out then you just leave, cause nothing is ever going to change! I don't know if you've tried everything with your wife yet. But I can tell you that if you do cheat on her it's over. Do you want your son to grow up and find out that you were unfaithful to his mother? What kind of impact and example would that be for him?

 

You sound like a wonderful man, and sort of reminds me of my boyfriend's father. My boyfriends father cooks, works all day, helps around the house and comes home to her everynight. His mother doesn't clean, cook, she does NOTHING for him or her house. She doesn't even work...He's been in that kind of marriage 20 yrs and has never been unfaithful...but the marriage is a disaster because no one ever addressed the problems. No one tried to fix them but remained together.

 

Maybe you could also look into how the marriage between her parents were. That has a lot to do with how your partner acts in your marriage. For example. My father was not a good parent and LESS good husband. But my mother while still married to him did everything to please him, she was the perfect wife and mother. So I notice while I don't trust most men, when I see a good one (my boyfriend) who buys me gifts, takes me to dinner constantly, we go on dates like we just started dating yesterday (we've been together for two years almost) I make sure he is pleased sexually (we have sex almost everyday sometimes more than once ), emotionally, EVERYTHING I can give him to thank him I do it. And I know thats how I will be when I am married because thats how my mother was.

 

I don't know what it is to bear children, and be in a marriage. But my sister was married, and had a child...and she (with the role model of my mother) took care of her newborn, her house and always her husband (emotionally, physically and sexually). However the bastard cheated on her repeatedly. I asked myself what kind of a man does this (considering my mother and sister were such good mothers and wifes!) well a lot of people see how good they have it and take it for granted. They know that their partner will always be there trying to please them, so why even bother making an effort?

 

I think your wife is used to her princess treatment from you and maybe her parents wernt very loving towards eachother. I beg you and I urge you to talk to her, and if you see its heading no where then leave but DO NOT cheat. You'll regret it! I wish you the best of luck

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