Don't want a divorce.......

[Jotech]

My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. 5 years ago, she got a job working from 3 to 11 seven days a week. She did this to help financially. I appreciated this, but with my job, we hardly came in contact with one another. We also have a 20 year old son living at home. He is unemployed, but always says he has a job. He contributes "zero" on the homefront. When I confront him about helping out, we usually get into a loud shouting match .......sometimes making contact with each other. My wife usually takes his side in these confrontations, which irks the hell out of me. Recently, things came to a head. She has told me she is filing for a divorce. The state I was in, I did not object. We agreed to a no-fault divorce. We sat down and discussed who gets what and agreed to keep it friendly. She found a lawyer and I will be served papers soon. She has moved out and said she is living with one of her female co-workers, leaving me alone with my son. It has been just over 2 weeks since she left and I find myself actually missing her. We talk on the phone and I tell her I don't want the divorce to happen, but she tells me she has changed. It seems as though she has made up her mind about this. My stomach is churning constantly and she is always on my mind. I find myself taking off work because I can't function properly. Is there anyway that I might try to win her back? We have not spoken about counseling. I think it's beyond that. As far as outside influence on her, I'm sure she is getting plenty of advice from her co-workers. I on the other hand have only told a select few of what's going on. Anyone, please give me some advice on how to stop this divorce. I don't know if I can handle life without her. I have told her I love her many times since she left. She only responds with an "I know" .

 

Thanks,

Jotech (John)

[Celadon]

Hi John, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure you must miss your wife terribly. It's a little tough to make any suggestions about what you could do, though, because I'm not clear on why she has left. Did the spark go out of your marriage? Did you physically hurt her? Did she ever tell you what she was unhappy about?

 

On a separate note, you mention that your son is unemployed and contributing nothing to the household. If he is in college, I would somewhat understand that. However, if he is not, I would give him an ultimatum (without the physical contact) that he has until the end of the year to get a job and an apartment. It's time for him to leave the nest.

 

P.S. Counseling would definitely be helpful.

[aireyc]

I'm going to break this down into a few parts to help this situation.

 

1) Your son seems to be a major problem. Him being 20 and lazy, you need to force him to work or kick him out. He's old enough to live on his own, so there are no legal issues. You can see what pain he has caused you, so I say this is really all you can do. Kick him out and move on.

 

2) You mentioned your wife works 3-11 7 days a week to help financially. The question is, what kind of job do you have and how have you tried to fix the financial situation? Your wife may be tired of trying to pull the weight, and she may view you yourself as the lazy one. Just as you view your son, she may view you. I have no idea on what you do, but it may be the case.

 

3) Have you actually talked to your wife about why she wants to divorce you? If you've been together for 30 years I'm sure you can easily talk to each other. If not, you may want to try the counseling route. I say you meet up in person and have an actual talk. She may not believe you when you say "I love you" and such, and there could be reasons for that. This isn't a teenage relationship so she knows who you are as a person and must like you a lot since you've been married that long. Sit down and try to rectify the indifferences that you have.

 

4) Talk to friends, co-workers, or family about your problem. Don't hold it up inside (and yes, you made a good choice about posting on here). If you let it out you'll be more calm when it comes times to actually talk. I don't think you have to win her back again, I think you need to show her that you want to fix the situation.

 

If you break it down into steps and take care of each part, you can fix this. Your son needs to learn who is the boss, and even though it may hurt, you need to do what's best for you.

 

Chris

[dotneter]

Having never been in your situation myself, I can only imagine how much pain you must be in. But I am very close to your son's age so maybe my perespective can help you. I moved out for college when I was 17, but my mom never approved. Now that I'm completely independent, I make decisions about my life that she doesn't approve of, and she blames him for ever letting me move out.

 

In any case, their disagreement over this has sparked so many more issues in their marriage that it just baffles me. No matter how small an argument may be, it always comes up that he let me go and now she lost her son. Think about it, do you have an issue that's just never resolved and is constantly eating at you? Maybe she has one that you're not aware of?

 

My dad used to tell me that for a conversation to go well between two people, one must play the child while the other must play the parent. If you're both being the same you accomplish nothing. When was the last time you had an actual parent-child conversation with your son? How about your wife? Like aireyc and K8tie suggested, you may want to consider family counselling. But if that doesn't work for you, you need to really get those hamsters running and really WORK on getting her back. SHOW her that you care. SHOW her that you're willing to change, if that's what is needed. Show her that you're WILLING to FIGHT.

 

She's seeing the world without you and she's beginning to get used to it. No matter how much she may love you, her life right now must be much easier because she doesn't have to worry about you or your son (at least not as a 24 hours a day conscious thing)

 

You don't have much time left. You don't have to buy her something really expensive or reenact a scene from a movie--you just have to show her that you're not willing to let her go without a fight.

 

And about your son, I'm sorry man, but he sounds to me like a mooch. If he's not in school he needs to be helping you guys out. It's not fair that your mom works 50-60 hours a week and you don't help out.

 

I don't want to be presumptious here but it really sounds like she meant a lot to you--please don't let her go like that!

[avman]

Well the situation is only beyond counseling if neither of you are willing to try. Have you suggested counseling to your wife? Maybe there is more of a chance to save the marriage than you believe.

 

Even if she doesn't agree to counseling, I would recommend that you go personally. I'm reading a bit between the lines on this, but I sense you might have some anger management problems. I realize your son causes you stress. But coming to blows over an issue solves nothing and probably terrifies your wife.

 

Also, I get the feeling that you do not have a clear understanding of WHY the marriage is failing. And you'll need this going forward whether or not your wife comes back to you. I would really try to sit down with her and let her vent all the things that are hurting her. Do not defend yourself. Do not interrupt her. Just listen. I mean REALLY listen. Don't make promises you can't keep. Don't beg her and tell her you'll do anything if she comes back. Just listen to her.

 

Once you've done that, I think you should reflect on everything she's said. Then you can start thinking about making some positive changes in your life. This will help you no matter what the outcome of your marriage is. It's possible that if your wife sees you making an effort that she will give it another chance. But there is no guarantee.

 

Good luck!

[Jotech]

First off, thanks to all who replied.

Explaining our situation more thoroghly now. As I said, not seeing her much for the last 5 years because of our work conflicts, I took it upon myself to confide in a female friend that I've known for quite some time. I know her as I come in contact with her on my job. I would visit her at her home and we would discuss each others woes. We would email each other now and then. One day, my wife spotted the email from my friend. This obviously was the straw that broke the camel's back. I explained that there was no physical contact between us and that we only consoled one another, which was the truth. My wife took this very hard and this put her through the agony which I guess I'm going through now. She said she believes me, but deep down, I think she suspects that we were lovers. I can't blame her as I would feel quite the same. As time went by, the pain she had subsided and we decided to reconcile. Things went allright for a while, but I could tell it wasn't the same. A violent screaming match erupted between my son and I and this set her off again. The next day she told me she is filing for divorce and soon after she left me. Well, there you have it, I brought you the "rest of the story". I still love her immensely and wish I had never confided in my friend, but it happened and I can't change that. I guess we must talk to one another, if she's willing. I will suggest counseling if it will help.

 

Again, thanks to all for your help on this matter.

 

John