Unwilling participant in Long Distance Relationship

[metalblade]

My bf and I have been together for a little over a year, we were best friends for a couple of years before that, so up until now, our relationship has been great.

We went on vacation last year to a place both of us used to live. We had a blast and he decided he wanted to go back there, so he suggested we go ahead and move there.

We both work for major national companies and we could just transfer our jobs there. I put in for my transfer and he did the same. Mine went through pretty quickly, and he hadn't heard back on his by the time we were to leave. Turns out his manager never turned in his paperwork. I, on the other hand, had to go because my transfer was final and I had to report to my new location in a couple of weeks.

So I went ahead on to our new city and moved into what was supposed to be our place. he assured me he would straighten out his transfer and that he'd join me as soon as it went through.

Well, weeks pass and still no word on his transfer. I get frustrated because I'm paying all the bills in our new place and won't be able to afford it by myself for long. Well, we end up arguing a lot because it just didn't seem to me like he was trying to get out here at all. I inform him that I don't want a long distance relationship and that he needs to either get out here and join me or we need to just break up.

Weeks turn into months and Well, delay after delay after delay, he finally gets the transfer, but now all of a sudden he doesn't want to leave his grandmother. His family disapproves of the move and doesn't want him so far away.

Why this is an issue NOW is beyond me, but whatever. It's not like they didn't KNOW he was moving!

So he wants me to wait until he can be sure his gram will be okay for him to join me.

Mind you, I'd already been waiting 4 months at that point and my savings account was cleaned out by an unexpected and very expensive car repair, so my padding for my income was gone.

Of course, I'm livid at this point and scared to death I'm going to lose our place simply because I cannot afford it by myself.

SO he tells asks his new boss if he can hold off for a couple of months on the transfer (I NEVER agreed to that, by the way, infact, we were fighting at the time) so his new boss took that to mean that he was declining the transfer and they fill the position with another applicant. Needless to say, I'm furious and I unload on him with a vengeance.

The whole process had been plagued with delays, obstacles and what appeared at times to be just plain bad luck. We'd solve one problem just in time to have another spring up in its place. I couldn't believe something could be this bloody difficult!

Then I found out it wasn't. He finally admitted that he was embellishing the "obstacles" basically making mountains out of molehills to buy time.

I guess shortly after I had already moved, he realized he wasn't ready to take that step in our relationship. Problem was, I'd already moved and he realized the whole thing was a huge mistake. He simply wasn't ready to deal with my "temper" as he "doesn't like conflict." He tells me he feels terrible that I have gone through this and proceeds to give me a huge list of reasons he didn't want to move in with me. Mind you, I ASKED him BEFORE I left if he had any concerns about moving in together and that we should talk about how we will negotiate possible lifestyle conflicts. He assured me on many occasions that he was ready, he loved me and was excited to do this. Now he's telling me he doesn't want to leave his family, he is afraid of my temper and doesn't like conflict.

I realize that I have been very abrasive with him and the frustration of this situation was making me into a very angry person. So I chill out and lose the temper and all is right again for a while.

Now it's 7 months since I moved and he is still back home. Despite my best efforts, I've been forced into LDR I never wanted. We've tried to break up, but it just hurts both of us way too much and we end up back together.

Everything was fine between us, in fact it was about as perfect as two imperfect people could be together. This move ruined everything and now I'm faced with the decision to either give up my career and move back to where he is or wait indefinitely for him to get a job here. His company won't consider another transfer. I'm so upset and I feel completely trapped in this situation. I left all my friends back in our home state and want to go back, but that would mean leaving the company I'm with now. I quit school to build a career with this company and here, it's looking very promising career-wise. I'm getting promoted again in a few months.

I also know that my bf will not budge on his position. Although he says he's ready now and wants to move here, he says it will take a long time for him to find another job that will pay him what he needs to survive. Meanwhile, I'm paying for OUR place by MYSELF and am not sure how much longer I can do it. I would love to move back and try to forget the last 7 months ever happened, but what happened between us during these last 7 months has been very telling.

I learned he is passive-aggressive/obstructionist and absolutely will NOT do anything he doesn't' want to do. He tells me he will do something, but then always either takes forever to do it or doesn't do it at all. I have made 100% of the compromise in this relationship and have gotten nothing back from him. I want to leave him, but just the mere thought of it nearly brings me to tears. Before all this, he was my boyfriend, soulmate and best friend. We never argued and were very close.

I know that, although he swears up and down that he "will" move here, he isn't putting any effort towards finding work here. I realize now that if I want to be with him, I will do it on HIS terms, on HIS timeline. Otherwise, he'll just continue to tell me he's "working on it" and never do it or find reasons he can't. He will continue to delay and create obstacles to buy time until he can figure out how to get out of doing it.

I guess I have to accept that until now, I hadn't seen this side of him and that it was always there and always will be. I'm just very heartbroken and feel trapped in a long distance relationship I don't want. He says he'd wait for me forever cause I'm "worth it" and he says he doesn't want to lose me and cannot imagine a life without me, but then his actions scream volumes to the contrary. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only answer I keep coming back to is that this needs to end.

Is there a way we can go back to what we had without one or the other of us (probably ME) making a HUGE sacrifice?

[Imthatguy]

Oh this is brutal.

 

"Is there a way we can go back to what we had without one or the other of us (probably ME) making a HUGE sacrifice?" The answer is no. Even with one of you making a huge sacrifice, you'll never go back to what you had unless you can forgive him for this. Now I cannot comment on whether you can do that or not, for me personally no I could never go back to what it was. This is a huge red flag, he's not ready to put as much effort into this as you and what he did was extremely selfish. I know you said that it's hard to go on without him but that might be what you have to do, in the long run I think it'll be the best for you.